Can we talk about S-E-X? eek!
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Loving somebody and being sexually attracted to them is two very different things. I've been with my husband for 17 years. I love him and he loves me. But that doesn't mean we will always be sexually attracted to each other, especially if we were to really pack on the pounds. I have had 3 children and each time have had weight to lose after their birth. My husband loves me and supports me, but I would never expect him to be sexually attracted to me if I let myself go.I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but someone has to be honest ...You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!
I wouldn't. Sex is easy. It can be had at any time with any number of different partners. Not all men are dying to have sex with anyone at any time. Some of us choose our partners based on a number of (potentially stringent) criteria, including fitness.
Personally, I have no interest in having sex with someone overweight, whether she's my wife or not. I'm a fit guy. I date fit women because I respect fit women, and like having sex with fit women.
Similarly, I wouldn't expect my gf to want to have sex with me if I became overweight. I owe it to her to be as desirable as I can be, and to remain as close to the person I was when she started dating me as possible.
There are times when slippage is forgivable: preganancy, sickness, accidents. "I chose nightly pizza instead of remaining desirable to you" is not one of those times.
Can I make a suggestion to you. Don't ever get married. There's this part in those vows that you take "For better or for worse", and honestly, if you're going to base a relationship on something *that* shallow, you're not really going to have anything for very long, anyway. There are very few who are fortunate to be drop dead gorgeous until they're in their golden years, and you'd sure better hope you've got something to talk about when Mr. Happy can't get happy anymore. God forbid one of you has a terrible accident or injury where you're unable to walk, or exercise, and the other has to step up and become a strong supporter, possibly a care giver. "For better or worse", it means something, you're in it for the long haul, not just for desirability, but because you love the person, regardless.
And once again, I ask- what is going to happen when the time comes, that life changes? Life happens. Inevitably BOTH of your bodies are going to change. Unless you're willing to fork out big bucks, you're both going to age, things are going to start sagging, there are going to be wrinkles. As life evolves, you realize that things like the physical body don't matter as much. Sexuality and attraction are SO much more than simply the way you look. If this is what you're banking on, or your husband is banking on- then you may be giving up sex early in life, or, when the time comes that one or both of you might not be able to have sex, I do hope that you've got a strong love and connection to get you through and keep going- THIS is what I'm getting at here (and with the initial post above to the gentleman I was responding to) because without that, basically, all you've got is some good, shallow sex, and yeah, it might be awesome, but it's only gonna last for so long, then with nothing else going for either of you, it's going to fizzle out.0 -
Um... this... topic seems inappropriate but...
Something that might help is to get "cuddly" with your hubby. It may actually make you feel sexier - and then it'll happen more!0 -
I'm sorry you feel this way, many therapists will advise people in any situation where they do not feel like having sex to simply do it.
Just like that, doesn’t matter what is going on in your head just open your legs and do it. Most likely you will enjoy it and it will get some of your intimacy back. I’ve heard of people who had problems after giving birth and this method worked for them.
As far as men goes, I’m 30 lbs lighter and my husband says he wishes I gained some weight back. It doesn’t keep him from coming onto me.0 -
Wow. I just re-read this. Guess what? Five days after I posted this I found out my soon to be ex husband was cheating on me. FIVE DAYS!0
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OH my god. I never blamed myself for his cheating but this can't be a coincidence, right? I was married to a very superficial man.0
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Thank you. Yes, it just showed me how shallow my husband truly was....and is. We've been separated since September and divorce pending. I'd rather be alone than with someone like him. Jerk.0
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Well, sheesh. I hadn't looked at the date when I first started reading this, them wham!
I know how you feel since I went through a similar thing. I can't think of anything that would be comforting... I'm sorry for what you've gone through.0 -
well here is the other side i guess! ive lost 50lb and kept it off. i worked hard for that. i still have another 20lb to go and dont't always feel amazing. my husband has put on about 85lbs. i love him, he is an awesome guy, but it is harder sometimes to feel attracted to him. i will never leave him and try to support him in living healthy, but would i prefer if he lost some wieght? yes. being intimate with someone quite overweight is hard! i'm sure he felt the same when i was my heaviest but was still kind and sweet. i will continue to try and encourage him to work out and eat better and hopefully one day it sinks in0
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dece1" wrote:I'm sorry you feel this way, many therapists will advise people in any situation where they do not feel like having sex to simply do it.
Just like that, doesn’t matter what is going on in your head just open your legs and do it. Most likely you will enjoy it and it will get some of your intimacy back. I’ve heard of people who had problems after giving birth and this method worked for them.
As far as men goes, I’m 30 lbs lighter and my husband says he wishes I gained some weight back. It doesn’t keep him from coming onto me.
Most men who cheat do it because they arent getting what they need at home. The rest are just *kitten*. Being on the outside looking in, I can only speculate. Guys libido isnt so...involved. Guys dont need all that frilly stuff to get them going. All the same, women have to understand that most men want sex all the time. If it isnt given at home because of internal emotional issues with the woman, then he will look elsewhere EVENTUALLY.
The non-*kitten* will wait a while before deciding to do something. How long were you witholding sex from him due to your self image issues?0 -
jenncornelsen wrote: »well here is the other side i guess! ive lost 50lb and kept it off. i worked hard for that. i still have another 20lb to go and dont't always feel amazing. my husband has put on about 85lbs. i love him, he is an awesome guy, but it is harder sometimes to feel attracted to him. i will never leave him and try to support him in living healthy, but would i prefer if he lost some wieght? yes. being intimate with someone quite overweight is hard! i'm sure he felt the same when i was my heaviest but was still kind and sweet. i will continue to try and encourage him to work out and eat better and hopefully one day it sinks in
If you have the gall to try this:
Just tell him in some creative but direct way that he is not turnin momma on because he is getting a little heavy. Sex is a great motivator to lose weight.
Face the facts, you either say something or live with not saying anything. I hate subtle hints from my girlfriend because I am dumb as rocks at decoding them. So if you want it, you gotta speak up.0 -
Wow, you have a loving husband. A lot of men I know would leave if the wife got fat.0
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It's how you feel about yourself which is most important. Do you feel ashamed of your body when naked? Is that what lessens your interest in sex? I used to say to people "the only person I want to impress with my body is me when I look in the mirror" and if I dont like what I see, then I do something about it.
How it was when you first dated was different. It was before you both fell in love. True love is accepting that person (within reason, you dont want them morbidly obese cos then you would worry about their health!) whether they gain weight or not but after so many years together, doesnt always mean you will feel attracted to them. I've seen my husband at his worst and he has seen me at my worst. Would you love your husband any less if he started to put on the weight?
When I first met my husband he was like Mr Universe with the muscles and I was pretty, slim and younger but now we have "changed" - we still love each other anyway
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xmichaelyx wrote: »I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but someone has to be honest ...You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!
I wouldn't. Sex is easy. It can be had at any time with any number of different partners. Not all men are dying to have sex with anyone at any time. Some of us choose our partners based on a number of (potentially stringent) criteria, including fitness.
Personally, I have no interest in having sex with someone overweight, whether she's my wife or not. I'm a fit guy. I date fit women because I respect fit women, and like having sex with fit women.
Similarly, I wouldn't expect my gf to want to have sex with me if I became overweight. I owe it to her to be as desirable as I can be, and to remain as close to the person I was when she started dating me as possible.
There are times when slippage is forgivable: preganancy, sickness, accidents. "I chose nightly pizza instead of remaining desirable to you" is not one of those times.
Ouch.0 -
zombie thread?0
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CherokeeBabe wrote: »
wamp wamp waaaaaaaaa0 -
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I believe that when you don't feel sexy, plus are overweight which can cause your hormones to go "off kilter" it is difficult to want sex and feel desirable. Many men can be proud of their wives trying to lose weight but still desire to be close to them and have sex. I suffer from depression and have a tough time getting in the mood. I started using Truvision Tru fix and and Tru weight health and energy . It has helped me to not eat as much, have more energy , and lifted my depression . And the only side effect I have found is an increase in my libido. Woo Hoo! I checked with other women on my team and found that some of them are having the same side effects . Although no complaints !0
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Just saw that you are getting divorced Sorry to hear that but there's nothing worse than a cheating husband . All of us who are on a journey to get healthier deserve to surround ourselves with people who will encourage us. I know you will find that in a true soul mate !0
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I think the biggest thing that matters is that you are willing to lose weight and that you keep a positive attitude. Your husband loves you no matter how much you weight and will be happy to have sex with you no matter how much you weight.0
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I have been in your situation and it is very difficult. However, I became so consumed with my self doubt that I made a bad situation worse and pushed him away. Physical attraction is important... but it is even more unattractive when a person loses confidence in herself and becomes negative, which is exactly what I did.
Attraction is a very basic instinct. So yeah, your husband probably prefers when you are at your healthiest weight. But it sounds like he loves you and is a true man... during relationships/marriage there are going to be ups and downs. You cannot always be at your best. Relationships that work are when both people are willing to love each other even when they are not at their absolute best. Maybe he prefers you at your ideal weight, but it doesn't mean that he cannot still find you beautiful.
Since you are on this site obviously you are making changing to lose the weight. Just keep looking forward, and don't look down on yourself on the journey. It honestly sounds like it is mostly you in your own head that is keeping the mood from blossoming... and that is something I know about all too well! But take it as motivation for your lifestyle changes... being a healthy weight should be more about the way it makes you feel than how it makes you look. Your self esteem will bounce back.
In the mean time, and I am being totally serious here, give him a lot of blow jobs. No confidence? Suck it. Not turned on? Put it in your mouth. It is difficult not to feel a little sexy when you are giving him that much pleasure and have that much control. He won't complain, and he will not be thinking about the thickness of your thighs (or whatever you obsess about during sexy time).
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bnbutterfly wrote: »I believe that when you don't feel sexy, plus are overweight which can cause your hormones to go "off kilter" it is difficult to want sex and feel desirable. Many men can be proud of their wives trying to lose weight but still desire to be close to them and have sex. I suffer from depression and have a tough time getting in the mood. I started using Truvision Tru fix and and Tru weight health and energy . It has helped me to not eat as much, have more energy , and lifted my depression . And the only side effect I have found is an increase in my libido. Woo Hoo! I checked with other women on my team and found that some of them are having the same side effects . Although no complaints !
if you are interested in trying a one week trial for $25, go to
http:// gettruvision.com/deborahp/-2 -
RockstarWilson wrote: »dece1" wrote:I'm sorry you feel this way, many therapists will advise people in any situation where they do not feel like having sex to simply do it.
Just like that, doesn’t matter what is going on in your head just open your legs and do it. Most likely you will enjoy it and it will get some of your intimacy back. I’ve heard of people who had problems after giving birth and this method worked for them.
As far as men goes, I’m 30 lbs lighter and my husband says he wishes I gained some weight back. It doesn’t keep him from coming onto me.
Most men who cheat do it because they arent getting what they need at home. The rest are just *kitten*. Being on the outside looking in, I can only speculate. Guys libido isnt so...involved. Guys dont need all that frilly stuff to get them going. All the same, women have to understand that most men want sex all the time. If it isnt given at home because of internal emotional issues with the woman, then he will look elsewhere EVENTUALLY.
The non-*kitten* will wait a while before deciding to do something. How long were you witholding sex from him due to your self image issues?
I never "withheld" sex. I just wasn't in the mood as often as he would have liked. We were still doing it about once a week when I discovered he was cheating. But, in our case it went far beyond the fact that I put on 25 pounds. He also has a porn addiction (which I've known about) so there's that. We always found a way to be happy in the bedroom, but I guess I wasn't enough for him. He has told me repeatedly it's not my fault or anything to do with me. But...who knows what to believe.
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