Marriage.

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  • significance
    significance Posts: 436 Member
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    I've been with my partner for 11 years, married for the last year of that. I find it hard to imagine us ever splitting up, which is part of the reason we decided to marry. But I've seen several friends who have been married for several years end up in divorce. People change. They get married before they have finished growing into themselves and find their new self doesn't like their partner's new self. Others find they can no longer ignore problems that were there all along, that meant it never really worked, though they kid themselves that it did. Others find themselves resenting the sacrifices they have made to make it work (following a partner across the world at a cost to your own career, having kids because the partner wants them, not having kids because the partner doesn't, whatever) and find that the rewards for these sacrifices are not what they thought they'd be.

    I'd say, though, that if you're having real fights before marriage, you should consider holding off the marriage until you have worked out why, and whether you can solve the problem. Maybe it's a matter of communicating better when you disagree, or maybe it runs deeper. Fights are not an inevitable part of a relationship, and a healthy relationship shouldn't (most of the time) be a struggle.
  • lisa35120
    lisa35120 Posts: 230 Member
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    Do we fight? Yeah. Do we get so mad at each other we sometimes find ourselves wondering why we want to commit the rest of our lives to each other? Yes. But at the end of the day our love runs so deep we can't split apart.

    I agree with everything you said, especially this. I've been married just over a year, and been with him for almost 4 years. There are times when we fight almost every day but at the end of the day, we both love each other more than anything else in the world. We've been through a lot together and at this point there is nothing that could split us apart. My grandparents were married 60 years and always loved each other completely.. he was with her until last Thursday when she passed away. My parents have been happily married for almost 30 years. Sure, they've had their issues, but they've worked them out. It's easy to get discouraged when divorce is happening all around you, but don't give up. There is still hope.

    One thing I've learned is..marriage is WORK, but if you're willing to get though that, SOOO worth it. But it takes both of you to want to make it work. :)
  • freightdiva
    freightdiva Posts: 55 Member
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    Good Luck with your marriage! Still married 7/6/1988 it can be a good thing and as we know all good things take work!
  • chanstriste13
    chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
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    It takes two to make a thing go right.

    it takes two to make it outta sight.
  • binary_jester
    binary_jester Posts: 3,311 Member
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    Together with my soon-to-be-ex for 15+ years. She cheated. We went to counseling. She cheated while going to counseling. Call me crazy, but I think that is a pretty good indicator it is over. I am not good at picking up subtle hints, but I got this one.
  • kimber607
    kimber607 Posts: 7,128 Member
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    Together with my soon-to-be-ex for 15+ years. She cheated. We went to counseling. She cheated while going to counseling. Call me crazy, but I think that is a pretty good indicator it is over. I am not good at picking up subtle hints, but I got this one.

    OUCH!!
    same here *shakes head*
    you can't make/force someone to be faithful....stay committed to you..try to make it work
    I was with my Dh since I was 16...2 small kids.....out of the blue found he was cheating on me for the past 3 yrs with multiple women...so there are very real/valid reasons to end a marriage....it;'s now always about being lazy...or not wanting to putt in the work...
  • binary_jester
    binary_jester Posts: 3,311 Member
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    Together with my soon-to-be-ex for 15+ years. She cheated. We went to counseling. She cheated while going to counseling. Call me crazy, but I think that is a pretty good indicator it is over. I am not good at picking up subtle hints, but I got this one.

    OUCH!!
    same here *shakes head*
    you can't make/force someone to be faithful....stay committed to you..try to make it work
    I was with my Dh since I was 16...2 small kids.....out of the blue found he was cheating on me for the past 3 yrs with multiple women...so there are very real/valid reasons to end a marriage....it;'s now always about being lazy...or not wanting to putt in the work...
    Exactly. There isn't a time that I look at my kids and wish things could be different, but at some point you have to throw in the towel. Generally I don't take offense to what people think, but assuming EVERYTHING can be worked out is simply unfair.
  • juliebrc1
    juliebrc1 Posts: 25
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    I believe that if you can you look at the situation and say that you have given 110% to make it work, you have done what you can. You have NO control of the person. Just be the best YOU that you can be! Don't worry about what others think. YOU tried with everything you had! Be happy, that is a great gift to give your kids!:smile:
  • Triquetra
    Triquetra Posts: 270 Member
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    Together with my soon-to-be-ex for 15+ years. She cheated. We went to counseling. She cheated while going to counseling. Call me crazy, but I think that is a pretty good indicator it is over. I am not good at picking up subtle hints, but I got this one.

    OUCH!!
    same here *shakes head*
    you can't make/force someone to be faithful....stay committed to you..try to make it work
    I was with my Dh since I was 16...2 small kids.....out of the blue found he was cheating on me for the past 3 yrs with multiple women...so there are very real/valid reasons to end a marriage....it;'s now always about being lazy...or not wanting to putt in the work...
    Exactly. There isn't a time that I look at my kids and wish things could be different, but at some point you have to throw in the towel. Generally I don't take offense to what people think, but assuming EVERYTHING can be worked out is simply unfair.

    I'm with you, after 15 years found out about my "cheater" and we are now divorced. Same as Jester, mine still cheated while we were in counselling, that is a sure sign they are not going to work it out with you. I have full custody though so my marriage was worth it for my kids!
  • AngelsKisses75
    AngelsKisses75 Posts: 595 Member
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    I was one of those people in the paper. I am glad it does not tell the full story honestly. Enough happened in my marriage that I swore off marriage forever. Then I met someone that opened my mind back up to that idea.

    So honestly I feel like you have essentially placed me in the category of 'didn't try hard enough'. Trust me I did my part, and I would be willing to bet a lot of them did as well.

    The one thing you need to remember is your relationship is based on two people, no one else. The outside world can affect your relationship only as you allow it. You get to make the decision if it is, or is not worth 15+ 20+ 30+ 80 years. While you are at it take a look at the anniversaries page. Those lovely people have made it and so can you! As long as you are safe, healthy, and have a relationship you feel secure in.

    Best of wishes to you on your upcoming nuptials!
  • lilRicki
    lilRicki Posts: 4,555 Member
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    I understand the anxiety the OP has. I'm getting married in a year...and although out of my friends and family I'm a "late bloomer" (I'm going to be 31 when I get married) I see people all around me dropping like flies. I get that divorce is appropriate when you're getting the snot beat out of you, or they're cheating b@stards, but that's not the case in my circle. I have one couple that have been together for over 5 years, and got a divorce after 6 months of marriage, that worries me, or right after the kids were born, the husband decided that this isn't what he wanted. What makes me think that I'm the 47% that can make it? I love my fiance with every fibre of my being. We have gone through a lot in the past 4 years, everything from money problems, career changes, moving to different cities, having full custody of his child that has brain damage, etc. It's a joke in our relationship that he has the worst luck of anyone, and nothing in his life comes easy, but I'm prepared for that. I have come to realize that he doesn't get a break, that although he has the best intentions and he's a really good man, life keeps sh!tting on him. And I'm getting married to him because I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have a good solid base...love can't be everything...that's illogical. But in the back of my mind I worry that something is going to tear us apart that neither of us will be able to put back together.
  • TheNewLK
    TheNewLK Posts: 933 Member
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    Do wish you much happiness and love forever with your love!..

    I will be on of those in the paper.....the sooner the better I might add.!! Some of us get married to young. believing that we are truly in love. or for other reasons! Yes that may be wrong but it happens. We find that our husband/wife is a completely opposite person that we thought and before the ink dries on the certificate. they turn in to Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde So.......

    Long story short....I think it is amazing when people can stay together....but there are times....when it just wasn't written in the stars
  • Miss_Chievous_wechange
    Miss_Chievous_wechange Posts: 1,230 Member
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    Do wish you much happiness and love forever with your love!..

    I will be on of those in the paper.....the sooner the better I might add.!! Some of us get married to young. believing that we are truly in love. or for other reasons! Yes that may be wrong but it happens. We find that our husband/wife is a completely opposite person that we thought and before the ink dries on the certificate. they turn in to Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde So.......

    Long story short....I think it is amazing when people can stay together....but there are times....when it just wasn't written in the stars

    I couldn't have said it better, LKM.
  • Still_Sossy
    Still_Sossy Posts: 868 Member
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    I really think you just can not generalize this in one neat package. Everyone is different, loves and commits differently. I literally gave up my self when I got married, I was raised that way. You make your husband happy, old school I know, it took me to hit 35 to realize giving up your soul does not make a marriage, it just makes someone take advantage of you and know they can get away with it. Even if they do not realize they are doing it. My husband and I are together 21 years and married 16. He is not a bad man and has been pretty good to me and a good dad. That said, he has done some things that would spin the Exorcist's head, I will not go into all that here. That said, I have started not to trust unconditionally as I had, and also I just feel like I have been stabbed in the heart. When someone you love so much makes you feel this way it shakes you and does change you. No coming back from some things. So while I do consider divorce, every day, I do not head down that path because of my kids....they are happy, VERY happy, they think they have the perfect world. I do not want to give them the fuel to rebel harder than they will already try, or the anger and the hurt that will fall on them. It is not right for me to disrupt their lives to make myself happy. I can see myself being here for a few more years and when they hit college, just going my way. I do have first hand knowledge of this also, my 2 cousins and my husbands 3 brothers went through divorce with teenagers and it was very ugly. One child is not with us anymore.
  • PhoenixRising11
    PhoenixRising11 Posts: 245 Member
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    I really want to marry my boyfriend one day but thought of him maybe one day cheating on me scares the life out of me.
    I don't know what I would do if he cheated on me.

    I trust him 100% utterly and completely but when it comes to marriage its for life and you never know what will happen in 10-15 years time.
    Will he still love me?
    Will he find someone else to love?
    Will temptation eventually take over and ruin everything we've got?

    *shudders* It worries me.
    I know I've got the best man I could ever ever want and I want him for life. Whether I will have him for life is a different matter, only time will tell and that's a scary thought.
  • Chrizzle21
    Chrizzle21 Posts: 95 Member
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    It takes two to make a thing go right.

    it takes two to make it outta sight.

    YES!
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
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    It takes two to make a thing go right.

    it takes two to make it outta sight.

    But it only takes one, to call it a night.
  • My3Rayz
    My3Rayz Posts: 373
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    Do wish you much happiness and love forever with your love!..

    I will be on of those in the paper.....the sooner the better I might add.!! Some of us get married to young. believing that we are truly in love. or for other reasons! Yes that may be wrong but it happens. We find that our husband/wife is a completely opposite person that we thought and before the ink dries on the certificate. they turn in to Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde So.......

    Long story short....I think it is amazing when people can stay together....but there are times....when it just wasn't written in the stars

    I married young and was "in love" with a man I later found out to be a cheater, drug addict and dead beat. It took me 12 yrs and 3 tries to work it out before I finally walked away for good. I wouldn't trade any of it...I got two amazing beautiful children out of the deal and life lessons that will stay with me forever.
    Don't attach anyone elses story to yours, just go in with open eyes, heart and mind and you'll be fine!
  • littttlelaurra
    littttlelaurra Posts: 229 Member
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    I got married at 17 and was married for 23 yrs before I called it quits but we knew long before perhaps at year 16 it was over but we held on to finish raising our daughter. We are still friends but the we had not one thing in common but our daughter, try living with someone that long for the sake of providing a secure family foundation and it being the loneliest place to be. I am glad its over we are now both free to find our true love and happiness, but when your young you make idealistic mistakes with all good intentions. :smile:
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
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    Been Married 4 times. Getting pretty good at it now.

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