Marriage.
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I understand the anxiety the OP has. I'm getting married in a year...and although out of my friends and family I'm a "late bloomer" (I'm going to be 31 when I get married) I see people all around me dropping like flies. I get that divorce is appropriate when you're getting the snot beat out of you, or they're cheating b@stards, but that's not the case in my circle. I have one couple that have been together for over 5 years, and got a divorce after 6 months of marriage, that worries me, or right after the kids were born, the husband decided that this isn't what he wanted. What makes me think that I'm the 47% that can make it? I love my fiance with every fibre of my being. We have gone through a lot in the past 4 years, everything from money problems, career changes, moving to different cities, having full custody of his child that has brain damage, etc. It's a joke in our relationship that he has the worst luck of anyone, and nothing in his life comes easy, but I'm prepared for that. I have come to realize that he doesn't get a break, that although he has the best intentions and he's a really good man, life keeps sh!tting on him. And I'm getting married to him because I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have a good solid base...love can't be everything...that's illogical. But in the back of my mind I worry that something is going to tear us apart that neither of us will be able to put back together.0
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Do wish you much happiness and love forever with your love!..
I will be on of those in the paper.....the sooner the better I might add.!! Some of us get married to young. believing that we are truly in love. or for other reasons! Yes that may be wrong but it happens. We find that our husband/wife is a completely opposite person that we thought and before the ink dries on the certificate. they turn in to Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde So.......
Long story short....I think it is amazing when people can stay together....but there are times....when it just wasn't written in the stars0 -
Do wish you much happiness and love forever with your love!..
I will be on of those in the paper.....the sooner the better I might add.!! Some of us get married to young. believing that we are truly in love. or for other reasons! Yes that may be wrong but it happens. We find that our husband/wife is a completely opposite person that we thought and before the ink dries on the certificate. they turn in to Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde So.......
Long story short....I think it is amazing when people can stay together....but there are times....when it just wasn't written in the stars
I couldn't have said it better, LKM.0 -
I really think you just can not generalize this in one neat package. Everyone is different, loves and commits differently. I literally gave up my self when I got married, I was raised that way. You make your husband happy, old school I know, it took me to hit 35 to realize giving up your soul does not make a marriage, it just makes someone take advantage of you and know they can get away with it. Even if they do not realize they are doing it. My husband and I are together 21 years and married 16. He is not a bad man and has been pretty good to me and a good dad. That said, he has done some things that would spin the Exorcist's head, I will not go into all that here. That said, I have started not to trust unconditionally as I had, and also I just feel like I have been stabbed in the heart. When someone you love so much makes you feel this way it shakes you and does change you. No coming back from some things. So while I do consider divorce, every day, I do not head down that path because of my kids....they are happy, VERY happy, they think they have the perfect world. I do not want to give them the fuel to rebel harder than they will already try, or the anger and the hurt that will fall on them. It is not right for me to disrupt their lives to make myself happy. I can see myself being here for a few more years and when they hit college, just going my way. I do have first hand knowledge of this also, my 2 cousins and my husbands 3 brothers went through divorce with teenagers and it was very ugly. One child is not with us anymore.0
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I really want to marry my boyfriend one day but thought of him maybe one day cheating on me scares the life out of me.
I don't know what I would do if he cheated on me.
I trust him 100% utterly and completely but when it comes to marriage its for life and you never know what will happen in 10-15 years time.
Will he still love me?
Will he find someone else to love?
Will temptation eventually take over and ruin everything we've got?
*shudders* It worries me.
I know I've got the best man I could ever ever want and I want him for life. Whether I will have him for life is a different matter, only time will tell and that's a scary thought.0 -
It takes two to make a thing go right.
it takes two to make it outta sight.
YES!0 -
It takes two to make a thing go right.
it takes two to make it outta sight.
But it only takes one, to call it a night.0 -
Do wish you much happiness and love forever with your love!..
I will be on of those in the paper.....the sooner the better I might add.!! Some of us get married to young. believing that we are truly in love. or for other reasons! Yes that may be wrong but it happens. We find that our husband/wife is a completely opposite person that we thought and before the ink dries on the certificate. they turn in to Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde So.......
Long story short....I think it is amazing when people can stay together....but there are times....when it just wasn't written in the stars
I married young and was "in love" with a man I later found out to be a cheater, drug addict and dead beat. It took me 12 yrs and 3 tries to work it out before I finally walked away for good. I wouldn't trade any of it...I got two amazing beautiful children out of the deal and life lessons that will stay with me forever.
Don't attach anyone elses story to yours, just go in with open eyes, heart and mind and you'll be fine!0 -
I got married at 17 and was married for 23 yrs before I called it quits but we knew long before perhaps at year 16 it was over but we held on to finish raising our daughter. We are still friends but the we had not one thing in common but our daughter, try living with someone that long for the sake of providing a secure family foundation and it being the loneliest place to be. I am glad its over we are now both free to find our true love and happiness, but when your young you make idealistic mistakes with all good intentions.
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Been Married 4 times. Getting pretty good at it now.0
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My parents split up when I was three, and you know what, it was absolutely the best decision for them. They were smart enough to realize that they were no good together, and staying together "for the kids" would only make it worse on us. My father was a deadbeat when they were married, he's a deadbeat now. I don't think it's fair to judge anyone for getting a divorce when you do not know them personally and have no idea why they might want that divorce.0
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I think it is terrible to judge those people who end up not being successful in marriage. Yes, marriage takes work, but both of you have to be willing to work at the same time. You can't have one person who wants to fix things and one that doesn't. And sometimes it's too late. How many years can you stay with someone you don't love for whatever reason. Maybe they were unfaithful. Maybe they broke your trust. Maybe years of marriage counselling and personal counselling just haven't been able to fix broken bridges. There are lots of reasons to work on a marriage, and lots of reasons to leave one.
I have been married for 12 long hard years. It has never been easy. At some point you need to reevaluate your life and decide if you are willing to keep going just for the sake of your vows. I, for one, believe that there is no point in just hanging around and not finding your happiness' true potential. The last thing I would want to do is wake up 60 years old and realize I wasted the majority of my adult life being in a unfulfilling marriage.
I applaud all those people who love each other so much that they can make it through anything. Well done!!! But, please, don't judge so harshly others who try and try and try and end up failing. I guarantee you, the thought of ending a marriage is never an easy one!0 -
I think it is terrible to judge those people who end up not being successful in marriage. Yes, marriage takes work, but both of you have to be willing to work at the same time. You can't have one person who wants to fix things and one that doesn't. And sometimes it's too late. How many years can you stay with someone you don't love for whatever reason. Maybe they were unfaithful. Maybe they broke your trust. Maybe years of marriage counselling and personal counselling just haven't been able to fix broken bridges. There are lots of reasons to work on a marriage, and lots of reasons to leave one.
I have been married for 12 long hard years. It has never been easy. At some point you need to reevaluate your life and decide if you are willing to keep going just for the sake of your vows. I, for one, believe that there is no point in just hanging around and not finding your happiness' true potential. The last thing I would want to do is wake up 60 years old and realize I wasted the majority of my adult life being in a unfulfilling marriage.
I applaud all those people who love each other so much that they can make it through anything. Well done!!! But, please, don't judge so harshly others who try and try and try and end up failing. I guarantee you, the thought of ending a marriage is never an easy one!
This. I've been trying to decide how I wanted to phrase my response to this thread, but you did it for me.0 -
I was married to the biggest POS for 5 years when I was young. We got married because I was pregnant and his family thought strongly it was the right/best thing to do. Guess what, the right/best thing for me was to walk away! I raised our son while he was partying, unemployed and a general loser. (He still is at 50 yrs old) I NEVER wanted to marry again...
Then I met this young man. This young man rocked my world! He has been an excellent friend, provider & partner in crime. He is everything I never imagined could be mine. Our love does evolve as the years pass and I am grateful for that. At 37, he has accomplished so much and continues to grow.
What makes us work...Respect! Respect the person, respect the changes in life and respect the love that you are given.
Good luck to you!0 -
I agree with you, for the most part. I DO believe that love can die. Relationships are work, and if you don't work at it consistently, love can eventually die. It might be possible to rekindle but possibly not always.0
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ARE YOU REALLY SEROUS
How can you generalize all divorces into one chunk of "it didn't work out in these past 3-7 years" without knowing what was going on?! Do you know all these people personally.......?
Not sure if you read my post the right way. I was talking more about myself and worrying that my marriage will last as long as a normal statistical marriage would. I was no where near a generalization of all divorces and time span. also I included that I have no idea what the reasons behind other peoples divorce is. As someone who has seen they're parents love, times get hard and them not love each other anymore and now they're together again. I am aware that ALL situations are different.0 -
"Now I know that sometimes even after you try everything to make it work it still might not."
To everyone who seems to believe I am passing judgment, making generalizations and so on and so forth you ALL neglected the fact that I said that. I am not ignorant to the fact that people DO try. I am NOT ignorant to the fact that everyone has they're reasons for separating. But I also know there are a good number of people who get married out of convince, to young, are forced into it by family and the reasons for a waste of time marriage are endless. For all of you who have had the pain for going though a divorce I'm deeply sorry you went through whatever it is that lead you to it. I'm assuming everyone who is severely pissed about my post had a good reason for divorce or knows someone who had a good reason for divorce. Like I said sometimes trying doesn't work.
I WILL NOT change my opinion on thinking it is sad that divorces are listed in the paper and that marriage is often taken lightly.
Everyone of you is entitled to their own opinion but learn how to read. I didn't drag out the fact that I know that even after you try getting out is still the best thing because that's just not what I was talking about in this post but I did throw that in there because I DO know this.0 -
bump0
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Been Married 4 times. Getting pretty good at it now.
I had to laugh!0 -
Everyone of you is entitled to their own opinion but learn how to read. I didn't drag out the fact that I know that even after you try getting out is still the best thing because that's just not what I was talking about in this post but I did throw that in there because I DO know this.
good on ya honey, the worst part about this website is the ripping you get from other people because they lack the skills to read...they're just projecting...even people that did have a horrible divorce didn't jump down your throat, they calmly explained why they got a divorce and in no way crapped on you...because they read your post appropriatly. The divorce rate is very high, and it isn't a holy union anymore, you are 100% right in your opinion and your statement!0 -
Marriage is a forever changing, developing and constantly moving beast. People are who they are in every relationship you have keep changing and adapting. The moment you don't is when divorce happens. Both people need to give a little, both need to be willing to bend and see when you are wrong and look at it logically and fix the problem. Two pleople should never fight to fight. You should fight to resolve the problem..... but now a days people aren't willing to bend they will just go find someone else.0
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I TOTALLY AGREE....ME AND MY HUSBAND WILL HAVE BEEN MARRIED 12 YEARS ON JULY 4TH AND WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH MANY ROUGH PATCHES...IT'S NOT ALL SMILES AND LAUGHTER....I FEEL THAT US BEING GOD FEARING PLAYS A LARGE PART IN OUR RELATIONSHIP AND WE CAN TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT ANYTHING!
KEEP LOVE ALIVE PEOPLE...IT'S WORTH IT IN THE LONG RUN :flowerforyou: 0 -
i think everyone should do what they can to make things work, but you do only get one life, and theres no point living with some terrible decision you made in your youth your whole life just because you "should".
marriage does take hard work, but you also need a fundamental base of love, and sometimes that just dies out for many different reasons, and sometimes, it just never was going to last the distance and a couple were just swept away in romance.
My ex husband left me after 9 years because "he wasnt in love anymore" and tbh, im glad he had the guts to do it in hindsight, because i would have just gone along with what i signed up for and never truly known proper love and happiness like i do with my partner now
This is a good POV0 -
<,. After that long wouldn't you be willing to make things work?>>
Nope, not always.
My ex decided he didn't want to be grown up, he didn't want to have responsibilities, he didn't want to have to follow a budget, he completely, totally morphed into a first class a**hole and then some, blowing our mortgage money and car payment on his little 'girlfriend(she was 19, 'working her way thru college' as a stripper, found out later, she didn't even have a GED), He was, at that time, 39. . .
We were married 17 yrs be the time the divorce went thru. . .only two good things came of him, my little sister(she's adopted from 'friends' of his), and my dogs. . .that's it. . .yep, a waste of time and money but it's nobody's place to be judgemental about it.
And don't EVER think it's just easier. it sure the hell wasn't easy, I felt like a failure, I felt horrid, I was so depressed I dropped 40 lbs in 4 months. .. but it was for MY best interest, since he told my mom he'd thought twice about calling 911 when my asthma closed my throat and I passed out unable to breath.
I'm happier now, friends state I'm happier now than I was 10 yrs ago, so it was for the best. Hope he's miserable
Yep, i'm an evil B*tch when it comes to him.0 -
Together with my soon-to-be-ex for 15+ years. She cheated. We went to counseling. She cheated while going to counseling. Call me crazy, but I think that is a pretty good indicator it is over. I am not good at picking up subtle hints, but I got this one.
OUCH!!
same here *shakes head*
you can't make/force someone to be faithful....stay committed to you..try to make it work
I was with my Dh since I was 16...2 small kids.....out of the blue found he was cheating on me for the past 3 yrs with multiple women...so there are very real/valid reasons to end a marriage....it;'s now always about being lazy...or not wanting to putt in the work...
Ouch, btdt. . .yep, it's sometimes about the other partner NOT respecting you0 -
Nobody but nobody gets married with divorce in mind. I was married 16 years before I finally gave up. It was the best decision because if I had stayed with him he would have dragged us down in the mud he is now stuck in. It turns out he has been a really lousy father since.
I totally agree that people should try to make it work, but after 16 years if you see that really fundamental problems are there, and there is only one side making a try of fixing them, then sometimes you have to let it go. My situation was not one of not trying or not being prepared to work at it, nothing would have fixed things because he is not capable of changing. Seems I was totally done over by his charm, which he has in spades, just not honesty and integrity and strong moral compass.
GG
I am sorry not trying to start anything honest. I work with people every day and 80% of society getting married, knows before they walk down the isle that this will end in divorce. I am a minister as well as a therapist and I marry people, I see it all the time and then refuse to marry them.
We get married because we love them, or we want to feel important, we think we should, too late to say no, want to become parents, our family like them, money, believe we can change them, not want to be alone, there is a great number of reasons people get married.
Marriage is hard work, but more importantly it is about compromise, it is about asking yourself...Can I accept everything about this person as they are for the rest of my life. The good and the bad and the indifferent...
I will say thank you to the op because I was just fighting with my husband today...and I am in the wrong...So thank you...I am sure my husband will thank you as well when I run down stairs and attack him...lol...ty0 -
I got my 10yr in with almost 15yrs of marriage and a hella life insurance policy. Im not going anywhere :laugh:
hahahahahahahaha I tell my husband that too....No Divorce for me..House in Mexico maybe but no divorce..lol0 -
Due to the fact that we know a couple who get divorced after 50 years together, my husband and I decided we haven't really made it until one of us is dead. :laugh: Until then, we've agreed to work very hard on our marriage.
Once I saw a question on the facebook page of my daughter's best friend. It was, "Do you think relationships are hard work?" Her answer was, "No, and if you think so, you're not ready for one." It made me laugh. It was very much an answer I'd expect from a 17 year old.0 -
I was married for 13 years, and then it fell apart. My ex and I are still friends, and we didn't have any kids. Thank goodness, because for an old romantic like me, divorce was bad enough. I think with children it would have been much, much worse. It's hard to say whether or not another relationship is in the cards. I am older and wiser now...wise enough to know that when it comes to love, wisdom has nothing to do with it.0
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Thank you to all for sharing some of your pain and your stories.
I have truly been blessed. My wife and I met over dinner in the college dining hall almost 28 years ago. Went from dinner and visited until midnight. We were married 18 months later and will celebrate our 26th over Memorial Day weekend. Celebrate it by watching our son graduate from high school and go to join his sister at the same university we went to 25 years ago.
We talk once and a while about people commenting that marriage is work. Ours has never been. We are as good a friends today, and respect each other as much as we did then. Fortunately, we still talk out all major decisions, support each other when the other is going through a stressful situation, and discuss any disagreements when they come up. In all our marriage, we have had one real "fight" 15 years ago when I was interviewing for a job and was stressed. I ended up not getting the job, but another one came along a few months later.
I too am saddened when I see good friends divorce. Some were married the same summer we were. As the second of three kids heads off to college, we are starting to discuss what our marriage will become when we are empty nesters.
We also found MFP together. She lost the 12 she has always wanted to lose since before we were married. I am getting back to that early marriage weight.
You are in my prayers.0
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