Hurting words from someone you care about
rlzwakenberg
Posts: 64 Member
My "best friend" just looked at a picture of a woman that is 5" shorter than I, wears the same size pants, but weighs slightly less than I.
Then, my "best friend" proceeded to talk about how the girl was "beyond fat" and "there was no excuse to get like that".
Mind you that my friend is over weight too. Not to such an extreme amount, but over weight nonetheless.
This is the person that I try to use as motivation because I don't have many friends and she is the only one who understands the desire to lose weight. Now I feel like crawling into a ball and dying. It's very difficult knowing that people look at me like that. If she didn't know me, she'd have no idea that i was counting calories, exercising, and trying to be healthier. She'd make the same crappy judgement on me and think I'm some fat lazy slob that can't be bothered with health. Maybe this is why I have no friends, because people are so quick to judge that they don't even want to take the chance to get to know me.
Well, now that I've lost all of my "support group" I can say this will be a lot more difficult. Not that she was much of a "support group" to begin with.
Then, my "best friend" proceeded to talk about how the girl was "beyond fat" and "there was no excuse to get like that".
Mind you that my friend is over weight too. Not to such an extreme amount, but over weight nonetheless.
This is the person that I try to use as motivation because I don't have many friends and she is the only one who understands the desire to lose weight. Now I feel like crawling into a ball and dying. It's very difficult knowing that people look at me like that. If she didn't know me, she'd have no idea that i was counting calories, exercising, and trying to be healthier. She'd make the same crappy judgement on me and think I'm some fat lazy slob that can't be bothered with health. Maybe this is why I have no friends, because people are so quick to judge that they don't even want to take the chance to get to know me.
Well, now that I've lost all of my "support group" I can say this will be a lot more difficult. Not that she was much of a "support group" to begin with.
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I dunno I say by dropping her you lost a good hundred lbs of baggage and negativity you don't need. And don't take other people's opinion into consideration weightloss is you and your goals. I can't say I'm the best cheerleader in the world I'm probably a little too blunt for it but if you need to vent I'll listen.0
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How good of a friend is she? You are your best support group.0
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You can't rely on others as your motivation. You need to want to be fit and healthy for YOU and only you. You also need to not care about what others think about you. There is always going to be someone who is prettier, smarter, thinner, richer, etc. AND there will always be someone uglier, dumber, fatter, and poorer.
Having a positive attitude about life and yourself attracts happy and positive people into your life. Find things you are passionate about, set goals and achieve them. People will come and go. It's a fact of life. You have to do you and be happy with it.
I love caring about people and helping them out. However, if they drag me down more than the positiveness I get out of helping them - I cut them lose. Family can be a bit of a tougher subject, but friends are pretty cut and dry. Allowing all that negativity in your life can only breed more negativity (how you look at yourself for example). Try talking with her and letting her know that those kind of comments aren't cool and are effecting your friendship. If she changes, she cares. If not, she may not be someone you want to be around as much.
Chin up. Keep logging and working towards a happier healthier you
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It is hard to hear harsh words from someone you care about.
My eight-year-old asked me, in 100% innocence, "Mommy, why are you so fat?" That about killed me. However, I knew he was just being honest, and that he didn't realize it would hurt my feelings. He had no experience with saying such a thing before.
Regarding your friend, she may not have even realized you'd be making the comparison between yourself and the girl in the picture - which still doesn't make it right. My mother-in-law, who has an *kitten* like a Mack truck and ate her way all the way to TII diabetes with the refrain "It's genetic!", LOVES to say - loudly - in public about some random person, "I thought I was fat but at least I'm not THAT bad!". I have turned to her and said, "The person wouldn't feel very good about you saying that." I don't add, "Plus, you can stop traffic with your own *kitten*, and I don't mean visually - I mean you could actually derail it."0 -
I once said to my best friend " I'm so glad I am tall because if I was short and weighed this much (180) I'd look like a fat cow". I don't remember the exact number I stated but it was what I weighed at the time. I found her staring back at me with her mouth open then she, being much shorter than me, said that's how much she weighs.
I was busy worrying about my own self image and whining about my weight. I didn't even think about the words coming out of my mouth and I felt HORRIBLE. Being the sweet girl she is she forgave me but I still remember it and I bet she does too. Thankfully I have a much better self image now and would never say something like that about myself or anyone else.
My point is, people say stupid things. If she really is a good friend, let her know if hurt your feelings and see if you can move past it.0 -
Body shaming others is another form of ones own insecurities, whether they are overweight or not.
Keep doing what your doing for you and you alone.
:flowerforyou:0 -
People judge for a variety of reasons; you can't control that. What you CAN control is how you respond to it. Just work on you; don't worry about what anyone else thinks.0
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One time I accidentally held up a pair of jeans and said, "Wow. These are size ginormous."
Turned out they were my manager's size, who was standing right behind me.
I felt so awful and small and apologized profusely. She was very understanding about it. Definitely don't be afraid to say to your friend that "Dude, look around you. Do you see me?" If she's your close friend, she'll feel so stupid and shallow and apologize. Sometimes we all say stupid things. There aren't bad people; there are good people who make bad decisions!
And then I suppose there are some bad people who are actually evil but you friend doesn't sound like that.0 -
Some people find joy in pointing out flaws in others. It allows them to avoid thinking of their own flaws. She may not even mean what she said - but it does show a certain pettiness/meanness in her nature. Its hard, but if she makes a comment like this I guarantee she'd think differently if you responded by saying any of the things you mentioned here. Such as how she shouldn't be so quick to judge others when she has a few pounds to lose. Though that would make her defensive. It would just make her hush if you told her how lousy that comment makes you feel because you can relate to the target.
Bullying, not just for kids anymore.0 -
I was in a bad car accident 12 years ago. My oldest kids were 4, 3 at the time. A few months later when I first started back to driving: one of them told me 'don't break the car'.My eight-year-old asked me, in 100% innocence, "Mommy, why are you so fat?" That about killed me. However, I knew he was just being honest, and that he didn't realize it would hurt my feelings. He had no experience with saying such a thing before.
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this. One jerk isn't indicative of how everyone looks/thinks about you. And even if everyone did, this isn't about them, it's about YOU. What do you want for yourself? What do you believe about yourself? Those are the only things that matter. When someone else tells you something they believe about you, it tells you nothing about yourself - it tells you everything about THEM.I dunno I say by dropping her you lost a good hundred lbs of baggage and negativity you don't need. And don't take other people's opinion into consideration weightloss is you and your goals. I can't say I'm the best cheerleader in the world I'm probably a little too blunt for it but if you need to vent I'll listen.
When people are super judgemental, it's usually because they are judging themselves. Can you imagine how miserable she must be if shes also overweight, and talking this way about overweight people? I'd feel sorry for her, and find better friends, or know that I don't need better friends, because I'm my own best friend;)
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If she's truly your friend, communication should go 2 ways. Tell her that what she said upset you and exactly why. To her it was probably an off-hand comment she never gave a second thought, and never will again. Reality is, no matter what you look like, there will always be people judging you for whatever reason, too fat, too thin, too short, too tall, clothes aren't "whatever" enough. You can't let that define you, but you can tell someone who is supposed to be a friend when they've hurt you, and if they really are a friend, they'll learn from it and not do it again, to you or anyone else.0
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herrspoons wrote: »The truth is no one really cares about your weight other than yourself.
Do this for yourself, not other people.
Totally this!0 -
There will always be others who judge us. Some we know and love, and others we don't. Like others have said before me, no one cares about your weight like you do. My daughter even told me she was tired of hearing how much I've lost. I hurts when you put so much effort into being a better you and no one really cares but you. Do it for you! For once put yourself first, give yourself a big hug and a " I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!!" and Press on with Pride. Because sweetheart, YOU CAN DO IT!! *HUGS*0
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People are lying if they have never judged someone, whether its their size, their clothes, their hair, whatever.
You need to talk about how her words affected you. She may have not even realized those words hurt because they weren't about YOU. A couple of comments about picture about a different girl isn't something worth throwing away a good friendship. Maybe she doesn't like this girl for some other reason? Maybe she felt fat about herself that day and pointing out someone else's flaws were her way of dealing with it? You don't know what she was thinking the same way she doesn't know what you're thinking now. Talk about it.0 -
StaciMarie1974 wrote: »I was in a bad car accident 12 years ago. My oldest kids were 4, 3 at the time. A few months later when I first started back to driving: one of them told me 'don't break the car'.My eight-year-old asked me, in 100% innocence, "Mommy, why are you so fat?" That about killed me. However, I knew he was just being honest, and that he didn't realize it would hurt my feelings. He had no experience with saying such a thing before.
Oh sweet cheeses. (shaking head) Kids really just don't know what they're saying, not really...but when you want honesty...that's where to go! Too much honesty.
I'm glad you and your little ones are okay.
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Thank you to the rest of you.
While I am not saying I am taking my self worth based off of others, it does certainly have an affect on it. I know that it shouldn't but that's a deeper emotional issue that needs to be dealt with on it's own.
On the bright side of things, this wont keep us from being friends, or keep me from working to improve myself.
Just goes to show that I am truly alone in this and don't get to have motivation and support from others.0 -
hi! i won't lie. i have said crappy things without realizing. one time (quite a few years ago) a pointed out how a larger girl should maybe not wear such a short provacative dress. my friend looked at me and said. hey shes got confidence i totally admire her. that did it for me. totally changed my perspective of people. made me realize i had to stop being so incredibly shallow. say something. it may be her 'aha' moment0
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If the picture person was 5 inches less than you - that really does make a difference - you cant compare yourself us tall girls can get away with a bit of weight ! Im sure your friend saw a completely different person than you
You look pretty with great hair - best of luck with the weight loss !0 -
rlzwakenberg wrote: »Thank you to the rest of you.
While I am not saying I am taking my self worth based off of others, it does certainly have an affect on it. I know that it shouldn't but that's a deeper emotional issue that needs to be dealt with on it's own.
On the bright side of things, this wont keep us from being friends, or keep me from working to improve myself.
Just goes to show that I am truly alone in this and don't get to have motivation and support from others.
And that's a good thing! If you were dependent on your friend or husband or whomever for your success then it's not true success. Also, what if something abruptly happened to them? Would you back slide and fail? Would you blame them? No. This is your body, your health, your responsibility. I mean that in a positive way.
Also, give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Clearly, she doesn't see you looking anything like the person she commented on. I would talk to her about it, tell her what bothered you and why (if you're unable to just let it slide this time) and maybe she'll pay more attention in the future? You may save yourself or someone else from an insensitive comment that really wasn't meant to be hurtful.0 -
Hon, u are HERE. This is what u r trying to do. The "friend".....well, lose HER!!! She is obviously not a friend. We will be here.
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rlzwakenberg wrote: »Thank you to the rest of you.
While I am not saying I am taking my self worth based off of others, it does certainly have an affect on it. I know that it shouldn't but that's a deeper emotional issue that needs to be dealt with on it's own.
On the bright side of things, this wont keep us from being friends, or keep me from working to improve myself.
Just goes to show that I am truly alone in this and don't get to have motivation and support from others.
I understand what you are saying. Sometimes, this feels like a lonely road.
She is still your friend even though she is not helpful about weight loss. Feel good that you have this friend.
And stay focused on your weight loss.
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dont agree. unless there have been numerous other incidences where she has been mean,or rude she is still your friend. sometimes people say dumb stuff without thinking. most of us have. if overall she has been there for u and is kind, give her the benefit of the doubt. i hope if i say something dumb on occasion someone will kindly point it out and i can realize i was a jerk and we can move on. good friends can be hard to find. if over she treats u poorly then ya, maybe u should move onHon, u are HERE. This is what u r trying to do. The "friend".....well, lose HER!!! She is obviously not a friend. We will be here.E.0 -
You have two options here.
1) Face her down about it and tell her how that felt and why she's a crappy human being for doing that (as politely or not as you need to) and see if she's willing and able to improve her behavior. Most people seem unable to notice their own ignorance even when they're otherwise good folk, but if she's jerky or defensive about it then...
2) Drop her as fast as you wish you could drop the rest of the weight you've been trying to lose. You are your own human being: you don't owe anything to toxic people. Betcha you'll find better friends soon.0 -
rlzwakenberg wrote: »Thank you to the rest of you.
While I am not saying I am taking my self worth based off of others, it does certainly have an affect on it. I know that it shouldn't but that's a deeper emotional issue that needs to be dealt with on it's own.
On the bright side of things, this wont keep us from being friends, or keep me from working to improve myself.
Just goes to show that I am truly alone in this and don't get to have motivation and support from others.
If you suffer from depression and anxiety, are you sure this is nto the illness talking? Are you seeing a therapist? If not at the moment, then maybe this is the person you need for motivation and support. Because even a best friend or parent or husband does not always understand how depression works and what might be the wrong thing to say. Even when they mean well.0 -
herrspoons wrote: »The truth is no one really cares about your weight other than yourself.
This.
Your friend wasn't thinking of you when she made those comments, she was just saying it to make herself feel better, or because she's just a b!tch!0 -
Your photo features a beautiful young blonde woman who is engaged to be married.
And some assholic comment made by a critical friend who also happens to be fat herself causes you to want to crawl into a ball and die?
If this is all it takes to destroy your emotional equilibrium I suggest you make sure your fiancé knows how fragile you are. It's his future too.
Yeah, I hate to say it but this is what I thought too.
This girl wasn't talking about YOU. She was making a comment about something else. And for some reason, you made it all about you.
Whether her comment was appropriate or not is not the point. The point is that you turned it around to make it all about you. And it's not.
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I agree that you should let her know how you felt. It is easy for off-hand comments to end up being hurtful. It is understandable that you felt bad. Humans aren't always rational beings (and usually aren't). Of course we should always try not to be insulted by such things, but that doesn't mean that we should be judged for not being as strong as we "should" be.
Since depression came up, I do hope you are being treated. This condition is usually treatable these days. It runs in my family and I have been able to prevent my depression from reoccurring through treatment.0 -
Well ... she's right ... right?
Just because the words hurt doesn't make them wrong or inappropriate.
I've just come off of 54 pounds of "no excuse" myself - and y'know what? Your friend was absolutely correct in my case. There was, quite literally, no valid excuse.
No. Excuse.-1 -
SergeantSausage wrote: »Well ... she's right ... right?
Just because the words hurt doesn't make them wrong or inappropriate.
I've just come off if 54 pounds of "no excuse" myself - and y'know what? Your friend was absolutely correct in my case. There was, quite literally, no valid excuse.
It doesn't make the comment wrong, but sure, it can be inappropriate.
If I were to tell you (just to throw a generic example out there) that overall on this forum, you read too fast without absorbing the material and therefore come off as entirely ignorant, as well as quick to jeer and attempt to stir up a flame war, I wouldn't be wrong, but I might be acting inappropriately.
Another example: your mother might be looking pretty old these days. If you were to greet her at the door, throw your arms around her and say, "Wow, Mom. You sure are looking old! Big reminder that you're likely going to die soon," would you be wrong? No. Would it be appropriate? Also no.
This is actually stuff most children understand. However, some people do take longer to catch on.
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