Hurting words from someone you care about
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Hon, u are HERE. This is what u r trying to do. The "friend".....well, lose HER!!! She is obviously not a friend. We will be here.
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rlzwakenberg wrote: »Thank you to the rest of you.
While I am not saying I am taking my self worth based off of others, it does certainly have an affect on it. I know that it shouldn't but that's a deeper emotional issue that needs to be dealt with on it's own.
On the bright side of things, this wont keep us from being friends, or keep me from working to improve myself.
Just goes to show that I am truly alone in this and don't get to have motivation and support from others.
I understand what you are saying. Sometimes, this feels like a lonely road.
She is still your friend even though she is not helpful about weight loss. Feel good that you have this friend.
And stay focused on your weight loss.
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dont agree. unless there have been numerous other incidences where she has been mean,or rude she is still your friend. sometimes people say dumb stuff without thinking. most of us have. if overall she has been there for u and is kind, give her the benefit of the doubt. i hope if i say something dumb on occasion someone will kindly point it out and i can realize i was a jerk and we can move on. good friends can be hard to find. if over she treats u poorly then ya, maybe u should move onHon, u are HERE. This is what u r trying to do. The "friend".....well, lose HER!!! She is obviously not a friend. We will be here.E.0 -
You have two options here.
1) Face her down about it and tell her how that felt and why she's a crappy human being for doing that (as politely or not as you need to) and see if she's willing and able to improve her behavior. Most people seem unable to notice their own ignorance even when they're otherwise good folk, but if she's jerky or defensive about it then...
2) Drop her as fast as you wish you could drop the rest of the weight you've been trying to lose. You are your own human being: you don't owe anything to toxic people. Betcha you'll find better friends soon.0 -
rlzwakenberg wrote: »Thank you to the rest of you.
While I am not saying I am taking my self worth based off of others, it does certainly have an affect on it. I know that it shouldn't but that's a deeper emotional issue that needs to be dealt with on it's own.
On the bright side of things, this wont keep us from being friends, or keep me from working to improve myself.
Just goes to show that I am truly alone in this and don't get to have motivation and support from others.
If you suffer from depression and anxiety, are you sure this is nto the illness talking? Are you seeing a therapist? If not at the moment, then maybe this is the person you need for motivation and support. Because even a best friend or parent or husband does not always understand how depression works and what might be the wrong thing to say. Even when they mean well.0 -
herrspoons wrote: »The truth is no one really cares about your weight other than yourself.
This.
Your friend wasn't thinking of you when she made those comments, she was just saying it to make herself feel better, or because she's just a b!tch!0 -
Your photo features a beautiful young blonde woman who is engaged to be married.
And some assholic comment made by a critical friend who also happens to be fat herself causes you to want to crawl into a ball and die?
If this is all it takes to destroy your emotional equilibrium I suggest you make sure your fiancé knows how fragile you are. It's his future too.
Yeah, I hate to say it but this is what I thought too.
This girl wasn't talking about YOU. She was making a comment about something else. And for some reason, you made it all about you.
Whether her comment was appropriate or not is not the point. The point is that you turned it around to make it all about you. And it's not.
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I agree that you should let her know how you felt. It is easy for off-hand comments to end up being hurtful. It is understandable that you felt bad. Humans aren't always rational beings (and usually aren't). Of course we should always try not to be insulted by such things, but that doesn't mean that we should be judged for not being as strong as we "should" be.
Since depression came up, I do hope you are being treated. This condition is usually treatable these days. It runs in my family and I have been able to prevent my depression from reoccurring through treatment.0 -
Well ... she's right ... right?
Just because the words hurt doesn't make them wrong or inappropriate.
I've just come off of 54 pounds of "no excuse" myself - and y'know what? Your friend was absolutely correct in my case. There was, quite literally, no valid excuse.
No. Excuse.-1 -
SergeantSausage wrote: »Well ... she's right ... right?
Just because the words hurt doesn't make them wrong or inappropriate.
I've just come off if 54 pounds of "no excuse" myself - and y'know what? Your friend was absolutely correct in my case. There was, quite literally, no valid excuse.
It doesn't make the comment wrong, but sure, it can be inappropriate.
If I were to tell you (just to throw a generic example out there) that overall on this forum, you read too fast without absorbing the material and therefore come off as entirely ignorant, as well as quick to jeer and attempt to stir up a flame war, I wouldn't be wrong, but I might be acting inappropriately.
Another example: your mother might be looking pretty old these days. If you were to greet her at the door, throw your arms around her and say, "Wow, Mom. You sure are looking old! Big reminder that you're likely going to die soon," would you be wrong? No. Would it be appropriate? Also no.
This is actually stuff most children understand. However, some people do take longer to catch on.
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herrspoons wrote: »The truth is no one really cares about your weight other than yourself.
Do this for yourself, not other people.
Totally this!
This doesn't have to be true. My family , friends and many of my colleagues all care about my weight because it matters to me. If it didn't matter to me they wouldn't care, but they do because it does. I'm sorry you feel alone.0 -
mumblemagic wrote: »herrspoons wrote: »The truth is no one really cares about your weight other than yourself.
Do this for yourself, not other people.
Totally this!
This doesn't have to be true. My family , friends and many of my colleagues all care about my weight because it matters to me. If it didn't matter to me they wouldn't care, but they do because it does. I'm sorry you feel alone.
I agree with this - some people will care about your weight because they love you.
In the OP's situation, though, the friend was jeering at some stranger. This obviously didn't come from a position of loving concern.
But, yes, I also feel it's untrue that it's impossible for anyone to care about a given person's weight due to love and concern.
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Boo HOo.. put on your big girl pants and get over it... sometimes other peoples world's are about them and not you.-1
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People are funny creatures. We live in a bubble, varying in size, inside which is the people we know and/or care about and outside is "everyone else". Some people have big bubbles and care about many people, even those they've never met and others have smaller bubbles and their care is restricted to a select few.
Your friend wasn't talking about you, she was talking of someone outside her bubble. She doesn't equate you with the person outside the bubble. Her comment was thoughtless, and I'm pretty sure she'd be mortified, or at least a little more considerate, if the fact that her comment about a stranger hurt you was brought to her attention.
There are a billion stories a day where someone makes a throwaway remark which could be hurtful to those around them if it was taken to heart. I know I used to get really miffed when a much smaller friend would complain about how fat they were and how horrible they looked. But really - none of us are ever going to be able to look outside ourselves at all times, and people are going to make self absorbed comments. He comment probably came from a criticism of herself, in fact. I know I have judged people on their appearance and weight, not because of them but because they reminded me of me.
If she's your best friend, let her know that it hurt. Not jhust for your own sake, but for hers - maybe she needs to be told that making negative remarks without considering her audience needs rethinking. I've got no problems saying to a friend whose just made a comment like that "Geez, if that's what you reckon, I'd hate to know what you think of me!" - it's amazing how it snaps them out of it and makes them see it's not just a stranger they're ragging on, but also anyone who may identify with that stranger.0 -
much like my deflated boob syndrome.... no one but me cares. same for your weight. You have to want to lose weight for YOURSELF, and not be relying on other people to motivate you.
i would bet money that she didnt MEAN to hurt your feelings, and wasn't even THINKING about you.
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you know what, when i was fat, people around me (especially loved ones like family etc) said you need to work on that.
Then when I lost most of the fat, they said I was too skinny and weak, i need to do something about it.
Now that I've put on a little healthy weight they say what the heck are you trying to become, there's no reason to be bulking.
LOL who cares what others say, no one is ever satisfied, always have some *kitten* to say about others.
You do you, keep on pushin
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rlzwakenberg wrote: »rlzwakenberg wrote: »My "best friend" just looked at a picture of a woman that is 5" shorter than I, wears the same size pants, but weighs slightly less than I.
Then, my "best friend" proceeded to talk about how the girl was "beyond fat" and "there was no excuse to get like that".
Mind you that my friend is over weight too. Not to such an extreme amount, but over weight nonetheless.
This is the person that I try to use as motivation because I don't have many friends and she is the only one who understands the desire to lose weight. Now I feel like crawling into a ball and dying. It's very difficult knowing that people look at me like that. If she didn't know me, she'd have no idea that i was counting calories, exercising, and trying to be healthier. She'd make the same crappy judgement on me and think I'm some fat lazy slob that can't be bothered with health. Maybe this is why I have no friends, because people are so quick to judge that they don't even want to take the chance to get to know me.
Well, now that I've lost all of my "support group" I can say this will be a lot more difficult. Not that she was much of a "support group" to begin with.
Your photo features a beautiful young blonde woman who is engaged to be married.
And some assholic comment made by a critical friend who also happens to be fat herself causes you to want to crawl into a ball and die?
If this is all it takes to destroy your emotional equilibrium I suggest you make sure your fiancé knows how fragile you are. It's his future too.
Chikkity Check Yo Self Before You Wrickity Wreck Yo Self, jerk.
Oh. How very mature of you.
If you put something on a forum and don't add "I'm going through some emotional things already and have depression" you will get plenty of "suck it up buttercup". People don't know your whole story,true, BUT you posted a snapshot and a 23 woman crawling into a ball over one comment from her best friend that wasn't directed towards her doesn't sound very....an over reaction. People are going by what YOU post.
Which...you also called someone a ****and a jerk who called you beautiful. So...yep, I would consider both instances an over reaction. Time to grow up and talk to your friend about her words instead of throwing away a friendship.
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When I hated myself I also saw other people negatively in my head. I would focus on how fat they were or whatever other bad point I could come up with. I thought that way about myself and it just extended to the rest of the world. I wouldn't have thought I was judgmental of others. I did not make the comments out loud so no one ever called me on it.
When I changed my thinking about myself I realized how I had always also been judging others and started focusing more on their good points too.
Maybe your best friend needs you to help her realize that her thinking is too negative and making comments like that can be incredibly hurtful to others. Let her know how she hurt you. If she is overweight she may be stuck in a negative thought loop that she can work to change.0
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