How do you deal with feeling unattractive?

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  • thaatgurl
    thaatgurl Posts: 26 Member
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    I guess if you really want to know how he feels about you, gain 10 lbs.

    I'm currently smaller than when my hubs and I started dated. He tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what but whatever I want to do to feel good about myself, he'll be there for me. Your man should be concerned about your health and wellbeing, not your dress size.
  • enolja
    enolja Posts: 13 Member
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    4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »
    This is a tough one.

    I can see your fiancees reasoning for hitting the breaks on that conversation, it definitely puts you in the "this is going nowhere good" area. He may not have realized you were so emotionally invested in the conversation until you parallelled their relationship to your relationship. I agree with him that most people are a little bit shallow (heck I would have no complaints if my husband decided to lose 20 lbs and get a 6pack, but that does not mean I need that, I don't love him, or I am not attracted to him as he is).

    Reading your post I think you have alot of insecurity about your body and might be thinking your fiancee thinks those things because YOU do, maybe he doesn't. When something is bothering us it is really easy to project our feelings into other people, but you have to stop and decifer wether they are actually feeling/thinking that way, or if you just read the situation that way because thats how you are feeling.

    I do not see anything about him pressuring you to lose weight or making mean comments directly to you. If that were the case then that would be sending up red flags.



    I agree with this post 95%. Except, I don't think it's "shallow" to like the way human bodies look when they're healthy. I would like to have a 6-pack and I'm working towards that. If my fiance told me I look better than before, and she is more attracted to me physically; it wouldn't be shallow, it would make sense.
  • DawnieB1977
    DawnieB1977 Posts: 4,248 Member
    edited March 2015
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    healthygreek wrote: »
    FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »
    My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
    Oh my! You're underweight and he calls you chubby???

    I think they have a different attitude in Korea, plus Korean girls are probably tiny. My sister lived in China for a few years teaching English and was told she was fat. They don't see it as a huge insult there like they do here.

    As for asking your boyfriend, he might've assumed you meant if you gained like 50lbs. I expect if you gained 10lbs he wouldn't even notice. I think you're feeling down anyway and you're just projecting your feelings onto your boyfriend.

    I've been with my husband over 12 years now. I was thin when we met, then gained some when I did teacher training, then lost it for our wedding, and since then I've had 3 children, gained weight in pregnancy,then lost it after each child. My husband has always been attracted to me, even at 41 weeks pregnant when I resembled a beached whale!
  • enterdanger
    enterdanger Posts: 2,447 Member
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    My husband and I had this conversation before we were married. He lost 100lbs in his early twenties before I met him. We both agreed that if we got too fat we would just lose the weight.

    Fast forward 7 years and 2 kids. We both put on 50lbs. I'm working on losing the weight. He isn't. I don't love him any less and he is still handsome to me. And seriously, if you plan to have kids, you'll have less sex anyway. They are a bigger impediment to a physical relationship than being fat.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
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    FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »
    My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl

    Wow. He sounds delightful.
  • RosesIndigo
    RosesIndigo Posts: 1
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    Motivation is key, if he wants you skinnier he should be motivating your goals - Not shunning your enthusiasm - You are not being overly sensitive something like that would really upset me..
    I have left and re-joined this site so many times because I'm not very good at doing the journey alone.. And I want to lose a stone and a half, which in my opinion takes a lot of time and motivation.. With a boyfriend who simply won't breach the subject incase he upsets me which i don't entirely blame him for, we need extra support..You lose that weight for you, but make sure as you go you don't find your body image decreasing instead of feeling worse because of the pressure <3
  • Burt_Huttz
    Burt_Huttz Posts: 1,612 Member
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    There is so much more to this question than answering yes or no or stay or go. It sounds like you've got a lot of introspection and learning to do. He even tried to avoid the question to not hurt you and you were hurt anyway. I'm not sure whom of you two I pity most.
  • susansmoaks
    susansmoaks Posts: 77 Member
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    When you find the one for you, they will love you no matter what. My husband sees me as beautiful no matter big or small. I see him the same way, he is the most handsome man in the universe no matter what. I truly believe that when you are with the right one for you, you will only see the best in them.
  • DanniB423
    DanniB423 Posts: 776 Member
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    FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »
    My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
    Your boyfriend sucks.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,618 Member
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    Asking a question you already know the answer to is using the art of entrapment. Sales people do it all the time.
    "If we have the car you're looking for with all the features you want at the right price for you, you'd want to do business with us today right?" Yes is the obvious answer because the other objections are basically answered. Pressure sales at it's best.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • MalineVD
    MalineVD Posts: 649 Member
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    It doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore. It's about attraction. I will love my girlfriend no matter wat she looks like, because I fell in love with her personality. But I'm attracted if she's at a heatlhy good weight and is taking care of her body. People who eat healthy, work out and just take care of themselves are just more attractive to me. You can't help that. You may love someones personality as much as you do, but you (probably) won't be physically attracted to them when they're overweight (and unhappy with that). Everyone has their preferences when it comes to the law of attraction. If you aren't happy with how you look like, then why expect him to be? That's just unfair.
    Also, I like to look good, not only for me, but for my SO too. That she can be proud of me etc.
  • Cardio4Cupcakes
    Cardio4Cupcakes Posts: 289 Member
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    After years of struggling with insecurities, I learned not to rely on other's for compliments. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and during the "low points" I really let myself go physically- no more curled hair, no makeup, etc. It brings me down and I get sucked into this shame spiral. But then I "do things for me"- wear cute underwear, spend a little more time on that messy bun, and pull myself out.

    What I'm trying to get at is, yes you want to be attractive to your partner, but you should focus on being attracted to yourself first. My boyfriend hates when I wear my hair in a bun, I love it- bun currently ontop on my head.

    However, I will admit I would be hurt if my boyfriend said he'd have an issue with me if I gained weight, but I'd also go tell him to kick rocks since he doesn't go to the gym or watch what he eats.
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    susansmoaks wrote: »
    When you find the one for you, they will love you no matter what. My husband sees me as beautiful no matter big or small. I see him the same way, he is the most handsome man in the universe no matter what. I truly believe that when you are with the right one for you, you will only see the best in them.

    I can't say I really agree with this. I think it is unfair to completely let yourself go and expect your SO to still feel the same way about you (man or woman). I also think trying your best to take care of your health is part of being a good spouse. I don't want my husband to die young from weight related health issues, I lose my partner in life and if we have kids they lose their father. Obviously things happen, but I don't want to "invite" them.

    That's not to say that there will not be changes over time, as already mentioned pregnancy can be a big one for women, manopause, just plain ol old age will change your apperance and expecting your weight to not change is a bit silly.

  • HumboldtFred
    HumboldtFred Posts: 159 Member
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    What is this ***hat going to do when you.....age. Does he really think everything is going to be the same in ten, twenty or fifty years? If he is fat shaming you now, he will be wrinkle shaming you later. Maybe I am old fashioned, but when I think of marriage I think of something that transcends little things like ten pounds, stretch marks, crow's feet, and chemotherapy.

    I work with prison inmates every day. Most of these master manipulators have a girl or three to do their bidding and carry on their lives for them on the "outside." They all have one thing in common when dealing with women. They use subtle criticism like fat shaming and mild teasing to keep the women just off balance enough in the relationship to stop them for looking for someone else. Its a sign of immaturity and a warning of control issues and pending future abuse.

    I thing a partner should be able to tell their SO that they are concerned about health issues, but when it becomes infantile, public or demeaning it is abuse.

    About the Korean boyfriend, many Asian cultures are body conscious and have no problems stating the obvious. However, I worked in Singapore and Thailand for a short time when I was about 275 lbs. and 6 feet tall, and I was damn near worshipped by the women over there. I think he is just a dick with insecurities and horrific communication skills.

    How do I deal with feeling unattractive. I lose weight, build muscle, and try to maintain health both physical and mental. I have dated enough bat**** crazy "hotties" to know that it takes more than a paint job to make the engine purr. I could lose my legs or get cancer or be burned horribly in a fire and I will still be a kind, caring, compassionate, intelligent, articulate, masculine, father, brother and friend. That is what makes me attractive.

  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »
    My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl

    not really the same thing at all.....

    also you need to dump this guy......

  • mkakids
    mkakids Posts: 1,913 Member
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    To be fair...it was a loaded question.

    That being said - DH and I have both put on some weight since we met 15 years ago. I still love him with everything I am. But would I be more physically attracted to him if he lost 50#? Yes. Which is why we are both trying to lose weight.
  • cebreisch
    cebreisch Posts: 1,340 Member
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    There are things that my husband and I disagree on to a pretty grand magnitude. Many of our "issues" revolve around politics - he's pretty conservative leaning, and I'm pretty center to left...although some of my left leaner friends call me a closet republican! LOL If we both felt the same way about every single topic, one of us would be irrelevant.

    I remember my mother telling me when I was in high school that "nice boys don't want to be with fat girls." My thought was if they were very nice at all, then weight wouldn't matter.

    Being overweight is not caused by laziness, and anybody who would allow weight to be a determining factor in the "level of attraction" is not someone I'd want to be with. Whatever happened to "Don't judge a book by it's cover" = don't judge someone because they are overweight. You never know what other people are going through.

    And - what happens when you get married and get pregnant. Being pregnant makes you fat. Did getting fat result from laziness? Will he still love you because even though you're pregnant with his baby, you're still fat? Oh - he'll say that's different because it's temporary.

    Being fat is always temporary. Being someone who others enjoy being around - that might be a special project for him to undertake.
  • never2bstopped
    never2bstopped Posts: 438 Member
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    How do you deal with feeling unattractive?

    I choose to remove others opinion of me from my thoughts and work on my opinion. If someone is influencing the way I feel it is because I find some merit in what they are saying.

    You have two choices

    Change the things that make you feel unattractive

    Or

    Do nothing and feel hurt when you hear your insecurity reflected in others words.
  • mkakids
    mkakids Posts: 1,913 Member
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    HumboldtFred wrote: »

    About the Korean boyfriend, many Asian cultures are body conscious and have no problems stating the obvious. However, I worked in Singapore and Thailand for a short time when I was about 275 lbs. and 6 feet tall, and I was damn near worshipped by the women over there. I think he is just a dick with insecurities and horrific communication skills.

    Funny you should say that...my Dad currently lives in Thailand and is 6'4" and 450lbs. He has had more girlfriends in the past 2 years there than in a decade here, lol!

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