How do you deal with feeling unattractive?
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Asking a question you already know the answer to is using the art of entrapment. Sales people do it all the time.
"If we have the car you're looking for with all the features you want at the right price for you, you'd want to do business with us today right?" Yes is the obvious answer because the other objections are basically answered. Pressure sales at it's best.
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It doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore. It's about attraction. I will love my girlfriend no matter wat she looks like, because I fell in love with her personality. But I'm attracted if she's at a heatlhy good weight and is taking care of her body. People who eat healthy, work out and just take care of themselves are just more attractive to me. You can't help that. You may love someones personality as much as you do, but you (probably) won't be physically attracted to them when they're overweight (and unhappy with that). Everyone has their preferences when it comes to the law of attraction. If you aren't happy with how you look like, then why expect him to be? That's just unfair.
Also, I like to look good, not only for me, but for my SO too. That she can be proud of me etc.0 -
After years of struggling with insecurities, I learned not to rely on other's for compliments. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and during the "low points" I really let myself go physically- no more curled hair, no makeup, etc. It brings me down and I get sucked into this shame spiral. But then I "do things for me"- wear cute underwear, spend a little more time on that messy bun, and pull myself out.
What I'm trying to get at is, yes you want to be attractive to your partner, but you should focus on being attracted to yourself first. My boyfriend hates when I wear my hair in a bun, I love it- bun currently ontop on my head.
However, I will admit I would be hurt if my boyfriend said he'd have an issue with me if I gained weight, but I'd also go tell him to kick rocks since he doesn't go to the gym or watch what he eats.0 -
susansmoaks wrote: »When you find the one for you, they will love you no matter what. My husband sees me as beautiful no matter big or small. I see him the same way, he is the most handsome man in the universe no matter what. I truly believe that when you are with the right one for you, you will only see the best in them.
I can't say I really agree with this. I think it is unfair to completely let yourself go and expect your SO to still feel the same way about you (man or woman). I also think trying your best to take care of your health is part of being a good spouse. I don't want my husband to die young from weight related health issues, I lose my partner in life and if we have kids they lose their father. Obviously things happen, but I don't want to "invite" them.
That's not to say that there will not be changes over time, as already mentioned pregnancy can be a big one for women, manopause, just plain ol old age will change your apperance and expecting your weight to not change is a bit silly.
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What is this ***hat going to do when you.....age. Does he really think everything is going to be the same in ten, twenty or fifty years? If he is fat shaming you now, he will be wrinkle shaming you later. Maybe I am old fashioned, but when I think of marriage I think of something that transcends little things like ten pounds, stretch marks, crow's feet, and chemotherapy.
I work with prison inmates every day. Most of these master manipulators have a girl or three to do their bidding and carry on their lives for them on the "outside." They all have one thing in common when dealing with women. They use subtle criticism like fat shaming and mild teasing to keep the women just off balance enough in the relationship to stop them for looking for someone else. Its a sign of immaturity and a warning of control issues and pending future abuse.
I thing a partner should be able to tell their SO that they are concerned about health issues, but when it becomes infantile, public or demeaning it is abuse.
About the Korean boyfriend, many Asian cultures are body conscious and have no problems stating the obvious. However, I worked in Singapore and Thailand for a short time when I was about 275 lbs. and 6 feet tall, and I was damn near worshipped by the women over there. I think he is just a dick with insecurities and horrific communication skills.
How do I deal with feeling unattractive. I lose weight, build muscle, and try to maintain health both physical and mental. I have dated enough bat**** crazy "hotties" to know that it takes more than a paint job to make the engine purr. I could lose my legs or get cancer or be burned horribly in a fire and I will still be a kind, caring, compassionate, intelligent, articulate, masculine, father, brother and friend. That is what makes me attractive.
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FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
not really the same thing at all.....
also you need to dump this guy......
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To be fair...it was a loaded question.
That being said - DH and I have both put on some weight since we met 15 years ago. I still love him with everything I am. But would I be more physically attracted to him if he lost 50#? Yes. Which is why we are both trying to lose weight.0 -
There are things that my husband and I disagree on to a pretty grand magnitude. Many of our "issues" revolve around politics - he's pretty conservative leaning, and I'm pretty center to left...although some of my left leaner friends call me a closet republican! LOL If we both felt the same way about every single topic, one of us would be irrelevant.
I remember my mother telling me when I was in high school that "nice boys don't want to be with fat girls." My thought was if they were very nice at all, then weight wouldn't matter.
Being overweight is not caused by laziness, and anybody who would allow weight to be a determining factor in the "level of attraction" is not someone I'd want to be with. Whatever happened to "Don't judge a book by it's cover" = don't judge someone because they are overweight. You never know what other people are going through.
And - what happens when you get married and get pregnant. Being pregnant makes you fat. Did getting fat result from laziness? Will he still love you because even though you're pregnant with his baby, you're still fat? Oh - he'll say that's different because it's temporary.
Being fat is always temporary. Being someone who others enjoy being around - that might be a special project for him to undertake.0 -
How do you deal with feeling unattractive?
I choose to remove others opinion of me from my thoughts and work on my opinion. If someone is influencing the way I feel it is because I find some merit in what they are saying.
You have two choices
Change the things that make you feel unattractive
Or
Do nothing and feel hurt when you hear your insecurity reflected in others words.0 -
HumboldtFred wrote: »
About the Korean boyfriend, many Asian cultures are body conscious and have no problems stating the obvious. However, I worked in Singapore and Thailand for a short time when I was about 275 lbs. and 6 feet tall, and I was damn near worshipped by the women over there. I think he is just a dick with insecurities and horrific communication skills.
Funny you should say that...my Dad currently lives in Thailand and is 6'4" and 450lbs. He has had more girlfriends in the past 2 years there than in a decade here, lol!
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I understand it sucks
no-one wants to hear anything like that, but it's either we're annoyed because they never told us before it was too late, or because they did 
Bottom line is, yes physical attraction IS important ~ + if you ask him questions then he's in a lose lose situation > he answers somewhat honestly and you'll be hurt
> he lies and says he finds all sizes attractive and he'll be frustrated...
-be glad he said the truth, but don't get too upset, like you said, you're not even really overweight, you only have a few vanity pounds, which is so easy to lose with this site anyway
Good luck x 0 -
Sorry major red flag! Do.you plan on kids with this person? Is he expecting you to not ever have any extra weight? (Even temporary baby weight) The for better or worse part means that too. True, it's been my experience that a lot of men ( not all not even most) have a "no fat chick" policy...but those people ...ask yourself what do THEY bring to the table in times of strife?
This^ especially the bold part.
No, not all men are like this. Yes, a man might *prefer* it if you stayed slimmer, but if you're in the right relationship, he should be attracted to you even if you were fat.
It's not the feminist in me, as you put it, that cringes at the thought of ever hearing a man I cared for equate fat and lazy and condescend and say no one could like a fat woman... It's the human in me that cringes.
May be he was just being stupid, may be in a complete self-examination he would find he does not really feel that way. But is it important for you to find out if he does? If it is, try to find out, there must be other signs out there...0 -
its appalling that someone who "cares" for you speaks to you in this manner.0
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Honestly, I wouldn't fault him for not answering your question. There was no answer you would find acceptable. Heck, you don't even find his not answering to be acceptable.
I think you'll find that physical appearance is going to influence how much any partner is attracted to you, unless they are blind. Some will find heavier more attractive. Some thinner. Some will have a wide range of weights where they are attracted to largely the same degree, some a narrower range. The more important issue is whether he continues to love and support you and want to stay with you even when he is less physically attracted to you.
I think if you were honest with yourself, you'd find that your attraction to your partner is also influenced by his physical appearance, isn't it?0 -
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore. It's about attraction. I will love my girlfriend no matter wat she looks like, because I fell in love with her personality. But I'm attracted if she's at a heatlhy good weight and is taking care of her body. People who eat healthy, work out and just take care of themselves are just more attractive to me. You can't help that. You may love someones personality as much as you do, but you (probably) won't be physically attracted to them when they're overweight (and unhappy with that). Everyone has their preferences when it comes to the law of attraction. If you aren't happy with how you look like, then why expect him to be? That's just unfair.
Also, I like to look good, not only for me, but for my SO too. That she can be proud of me etc.
I agree. You can love someone and not be attracted to them. My ex gained 50 lbs over the course of our relationship and I wasn't very attracted to him although I still loved him. I never made rude comments about him being "lazy" though and I didn't mention my waning attraction. I did get us both on track to eat better food and exercise more. In that sense I think the OP's fiance is either clueless or a jerk.
If he's unable to express his feelings in a considerate way then talk to him and make sure it changes. If he still makes a lot of shaming comments then you should DTMFA.0 -
FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
There is so much wrong with your post.
"Korean people" aren't all obsessed with physical appearance. Your generalization is stupid.
"Thus all the plastic surgery" is a ridiculous stereotype that has no bearing in reality.
If he calls you fat in a pejorative manner, then he is being an *kitten*, so it makes sense that it bothers you. But it sounds like you expect this because he is Korean, which is weird.
I dated a Persian man, and I don't think any race or nationality in particular has bias about weight. That's an individual thing. But I do think in cultures where men have slighter builds, they are more conscious of a woman's size in relation to theirs. All men want to feel they are the protector, and I think that may be threatened when women of other cultures are larger, even if they are a healthy height and weight. I need to lose some weight, but I'm also in that cosmetically overweight range. I think it was an issue for my boyfriend, too, as I weigh more than he does. All that being said, it's love that keeps a relationship together, not what you weigh.
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I would have avoided the question as well, although I wouldn't have called it out as a trap (even though it seems like one to me too). I have gotten into far too much trouble with women throughout my life for answering this question one way or the other and never the way that was desired.
I told my wife when we were dating that I would never answer questions about whether I thought another woman was pretty (I've relaxed that one because she's cool that way) and I would never answer a question about weight (incidentally, she's Korean). She's never asked because she's cool that way.
She and I have both gained a lot of weight since we met (about 60 pounds each, I've done it twice) and our weights have never really mattered to one another in terms of attractiveness. The 18 years we've been together and all the hard times we've worked through together however, does make us very attractive to one another.0 -
The two of you could find more interesting things to talk about besides appearances.0
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I didn't ask if he'd be attracted to me no matter what I did. I asked if it would be a problem if I gained weight, and if my current weight was a problem for him.
I would absolutely still be attracted to him if he gained weight.
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I agree with all of this.There are things that my husband and I disagree on to a pretty grand magnitude. Many of our "issues" revolve around politics - he's pretty conservative leaning, and I'm pretty center to left...although some of my left leaner friends call me a closet republican! LOL If we both felt the same way about every single topic, one of us would be irrelevant.
I remember my mother telling me when I was in high school that "nice boys don't want to be with fat girls." My thought was if they were very nice at all, then weight wouldn't matter.
Being overweight is not caused by laziness, and anybody who would allow weight to be a determining factor in the "level of attraction" is not someone I'd want to be with. Whatever happened to "Don't judge a book by it's cover" = don't judge someone because they are overweight. You never know what other people are going through.
And - what happens when you get married and get pregnant. Being pregnant makes you fat. Did getting fat result from laziness? Will he still love you because even though you're pregnant with his baby, you're still fat? Oh - he'll say that's different because it's temporary.
Being fat is always temporary. Being someone who others enjoy being around - that might be a special project for him to undertake.
Yes, people find different things attractive. But equating fat to laziness is size prejudice, plain and simple. Even if someone isn't "doing something" about their weight, that doesn't make that person lazy. Weight is not the only thing that matters in life, and it doesn't define you as s person.
There is a difference between caring about your spouse/significant other's health and being shallow. The OP's SO is being shallow, and I don't think she is being "sensitive." And just because size judgement is widespread/"everyone does it" does not make it okay.
I remember watching an episode of Mystery Diagnosis where a woman moved in with her SO, then she got bigger and her SO left her because of it. She ended up having a life-threatening disease that caused her to get large (the woman has since died). I found it so sad that she ended up alone - even though I'm sure that her body changing didn't make her a person less worthy of love and loyalty.
I see this as a question of trust and loyalty, not a matter of someone just "being honest." If I were in this situation (and I have been in the past), I would question everything. Yes, "at least he's honest," but it would be cold comfort that someone I love and I think I can be myself with is secretly judging me, lacks loyalty, and is therefore someone I cannot trust.0 -
FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
There is so much wrong with your post.
"Korean people" aren't all obsessed with physical appearance. Your generalization is stupid.
"Thus all the plastic surgery" is a ridiculous stereotype that has no bearing in reality.
If he calls you fat in a pejorative manner, then he is being an *kitten*, so it makes sense that it bothers you. But it sounds like you expect this because he is Korean, which is weird.
Have you been to Korea? If not then do your research. They are OBSESSED with weight and being beautiful. Walk around Seoul, and you will see everything you have to see-almost everyone is beautiful and of course they have high standards for beauty, even if you're applying for a job. They have the highest plastic surgery demand in the world, of course North Americans do it more because Korea has been economically developed for just like a century.
As for being called fat, it's common thing in Asia, very unlike North America or some parts of Europe, where people wouldn't so freely say things like "look at your chubby love handles!" or "you gained weight!". I have been living in Asia for five years, and there's a huge pressure on girls to be skinny, even too skinny for my taste. That's just how it is and maybe that's why my boyfriend feels like it's alright to say what he says not thinking i'll get upset or offended, but being western, i'm still not fine with people commenting freely on such sensitive topic0 -
I didn't ask if he'd be attracted to me no matter what I did. I asked if it would be a problem if I gained weight, and if my current weight was a problem for him.
I would absolutely still be attracted to him if he gained weight.
Seems to me the real question here is why you are so focused on weight as the over-ridingly important potential issue...0 -
HumboldtFred wrote: »
About the Korean boyfriend, many Asian cultures are body conscious and have no problems stating the obvious. However, I worked in Singapore and Thailand for a short time when I was about 275 lbs. and 6 feet tall, and I was damn near worshipped by the women over there. I think he is just a dick with insecurities and horrific communication skills.
Oh they do like tall men of course, especially in Southeast Asia where there's not so many of them! Most guys are shorter than me, even in East Asia where i live. I'm 5'8".
But they are built differently and i can't be 100 pounds, i was 108 once and it caused me some serious health problems, although i wasn't starving or anything, months of lifting weights and eating at a slight deficit caused me to have very low body fat and my body didn't like that.
Point of the story is, the guy expects me to be teeny tiny like Asian girls are and I don't want to do it
Well i'm his first white girlfriend so maybe he just needs to learn how it works in western world0 -
FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »FoodFitnessTravel wrote: »My boyfriend does the same thing... He is Korean, and they are highly obsessed with physical appearance, thus all the plastic surgery and stuff. He also tells me i'm chubby (I'm 5'8" and 115 lbs), pinches my love handles and when i asked him would you still love me if i gained weight? He said i don't think you will, but if you do i will love you and make you lose weight. It bothers me so much when he calls me fat. I get it girl
There is so much wrong with your post.
"Korean people" aren't all obsessed with physical appearance. Your generalization is stupid.
"Thus all the plastic surgery" is a ridiculous stereotype that has no bearing in reality.
If he calls you fat in a pejorative manner, then he is being an *kitten*, so it makes sense that it bothers you. But it sounds like you expect this because he is Korean, which is weird.
Have you been to Korea? If not then do your research. They are OBSESSED with weight and being beautiful. Walk around Seoul, and you will see everything you have to see-almost everyone is beautiful and of course they have high standards for beauty, even if you're applying for a job. They have the highest plastic surgery demand in the world, of course North Americans do it more because Korea has been economically developed for just like a century.
As for being called fat, it's common thing in Asia, very unlike North America or some parts of Europe, where people wouldn't so freely say things like "look at your chubby love handles!" or "you gained weight!". I have been living in Asia for five years, and there's a huge pressure on girls to be skinny, even too skinny for my taste. That's just how it is and maybe that's why my boyfriend feels like it's alright to say what he says not thinking i'll get upset or offended, but being western, i'm still not fine with people commenting freely on such sensitive topic
My sister's husband is Chinese. He said to her once 'can you make your stomach smaller?'. Her response: ' can you make your penis bigger?'. Lol. They just say it as they see it, it's a cultural thing. Her students said 'I like my teacher, she's so cute and fat'. It's not seen as an insult. But I expect it's hard to deal with as a westerner.0 -
I didn't ask if he'd be attracted to me no matter what I did. I asked if it would be a problem if I gained weight, and if my current weight was a problem for him.
I would absolutely still be attracted to him if he gained weight.
Seems to me the real question here is why you are so focused on weight as the over-ridingly important potential issue...
Explain.
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arditarose wrote: »Get a journal. Not being snarky..Actually, get a journal. Write your thoughts down there, privately, instead of here and instead of putting it on your boyfriend. When I ovulate, I'm a freak. Writing in a journal is the best thing I've done for my relationship ha.
this is great advice.
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You need to let it go and work on feeling good about yourself and your relationship regardless of your weight.
It was a trap question/conversation and you are being too sensitive that he would not answer. No matter the answer he gave you would be unhappy because you are unhappy with yourself.
If he said, "I'd think you were sexy no matter what" you'd think he was lying whether he was or not because you wouldn't feel sexy 50 pounds heavier when you are unhappy over how you feel at 10 pounds more than you want to be. The thought of him lying wouldn't make you feel happy. If he had said, "Yeah, I'd find you less attractive if you gained 50 pounds" then you would have been angry.
The reality is that you are talking about an imaginary situation. Neither of you know how you would really feel in future if one or both of you gain weight through laziness or pregnancy or a side effect to a medication. He presumably loves you and finds you attractive right now. He might be a jerk who prizes appearance in the long run but as of right now he did not say, "Lose 10 pounds or I'm leaving you."
Don't get angry over imaginary scenarios. Don't ask trap questions.
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I think you are being hard on yourself. Concerning that you are hung up on being 1-2 pound within a healthy weight range. You do realize that your weight can fluctuate a few pounds each day in water weight? I retain water badly, and fluctuate up to 7 pounds each day.0
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