Husband doesn't seem like he wants me to lose weight... Not supportive
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Frankly, in my experience, when a partner does not want you to be gone from their side for even an hour, or gets uneasy when you work on improving yourself, there is only one reason for it, deep down: insecurity.
Controlling, testy, manipulative people are usually toxically insecure.
He probably doesn't like the thought that you will be alone around people, including attractive men you could compare him with and find him lacking. And he probably doesn't like the thought you will improve yourself and become more confident and attractive, and thus feel less "lucky to have him", less forced to tolerate whatever he does or says because it would be hard to find another good partner. He likely also dislikes witnessing a lot of initiative and motivation and will from your side; it shifts the balance of power in the relationship, makes you less safe and meek.
So just carrot and stick him. On one hand, sooth his insecurities; let him know that you love him, that you make sure to keep your distances from other men you might be meeting at the gym, that you still feel lucky to be with him, etc. On the other hand though, do hold a firm, gently tenacious position. It's your life, your choices, your body, and you not be told what to do, you will not be less than what you want to be so that someone else feels safer.
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I'm a guy that's been in that situation where the insecure woman gets aggressive about my time in the gym. One day, she walks into the kitchen, sees me preparing my meals for the day and says:
"I wish I had your discipline."
The next day she says:
"I know you're going to find someone better looking than me and leave me."
It gets old, fast. Advice is difficult to give because only you truly know your situation. One of the bad things is that while you may not be going to the gym to meet someone, his petty attitude could be the very thing that ends up pushing you away. But telling him "if you don't quit being insecure about it, I really will leave you" won't help. He's hedging his bets. Either her whines and gets you to stay, or you leave because you can't deal with his whining, and he gets to say "Ha! I knew I couldn't trust you!"
I suggest that you continue doing this for yourself. You can't fix his issues. If he says:
"you're choosing this over me,"
you may want to counter with:
"I didn't choose anything over you. It doesn't have to be a choice. I can do both."
I advise against going the "you spend time with your friends/you do things by yourself" route, because you don't want to get into a tit-for-tat fight. You don't want things to devolve into "you spent an hour in the bathtub, so I get to spend an hour watching tv while you're trying to sleep," or "you did this, so I get to do that." I know it sounds petty and juvenile, but he's clearly being petty and juvenile. Kill him with kindness: "I'm sorry you feel as though I'm putting this ahead of you. I'm not. This is something that I'm doing for myself. If you still feel bad about it I'm sorry, but I understand. I'll give you your space. I'm going to the gym now. We can talk about it when I get back, if you want. I love you." And leave it at that.0 -
He sounds insecure. Probably afraid you might look good, and be "too good" for him. I see this with couples all the time where they are insecure when one or the other tries to better themselves through education or weight loss. He basically wants full control over you. Relationships where there is an emotional and/or financial dependency don't ever work. It is best to move on or else there may come a point where you can't leave and are miserable for the rest of your life.0
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i agree with all that's been said (except the affair thing, that doesn't ring true) and am just sad for both of you. i doubt he likes how he is. you don't have to live this way, though. you obviously won't leave because some strangers suggested it on a website, you're just used to him now, but honestly leaving would be best. he's not going to change that much, even with counselling.
the idea that you should have to work out at home when you don't want to, basically chained to the basement, because he throws a tantrum, is pretty horrifying.
all that notwithstanding - go to the gym if that's best for you. just go. if he whines, tell him, too bad, sorry, get a hobby.0 -
I'm a guy that's been in that situation where the insecure woman gets aggressive about my time in the gym. One day, she walks into the kitchen, sees me preparing my meals for the day and says:
"I wish I had your discipline."
The next day she says:
"I know you're going to find someone better looking than me and leave me."
It gets old, fast. Advice is difficult to give because only you truly know your situation. One of the bad things is that while you may not be going to the gym to meet someone, his petty attitude could be the very thing that ends up pushing you away. But telling him "if you don't quit being insecure about it, I really will leave you" won't help. He's hedging his bets. Either her whines and gets you to stay, or you leave because you can't deal with his whining, and he gets to say "Ha! I knew I couldn't trust you!"
I suggest that you continue doing this for yourself. You can't fix his issues. If he says:
"you're choosing this over me,"
you may want to counter with:
"I didn't choose anything over you. It doesn't have to be a choice. I can do both."
I advise against going the "you spend time with your friends/you do things by yourself" route, because you don't want to get into a tit-for-tat fight. You don't want things to devolve into "you spent an hour in the bathtub, so I get to spend an hour watching tv while you're trying to sleep," or "you did this, so I get to do that." I know it sounds petty and juvenile, but he's clearly being petty and juvenile. Kill him with kindness: "I'm sorry you feel as though I'm putting this ahead of you. I'm not. This is something that I'm doing for myself. If you still feel bad about it I'm sorry, but I understand. I'll give you your space. I'm going to the gym now. We can talk about it when I get back, if you want. I love you." And leave it at that.
this will probably work in that it's an attempt to reassure him & may reduce conflict while letting you get to the gym.
it also sounds exhausting.0 -
Just let him know how far away he's pushing you, I'm certain that I wouldn't want to be in this type of relationship, I would want to get out period. I would let him pout, I wouldn't care if he doesn't talk to me. Eventually he will get tired of being silent. It's kind of like the old saying "Cutting your nose off to spite your own face" Maybe that's just a Tennessee kind of thing lol...... I would keep on doing what you are doing, your health is more important than anything, he's very insecure, if he can keep you at the weight you are then he will be comfortable. He doesn't want you to change because if you change, you might leave. It's one of those push pull situations. The harder he pushes, the more you are going to pull away. Just my thought on it. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing. Don't let anyone break you down.0
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Lauren. You are not alone. My husband does the same thing to me. Controlling what times he wants me to work out. Counting down every minute I am away at the gym. If I am over a certain time frame he confronts me with 50 million questions as to "what am I really doing?" He *kitten* an attitude...going on about how I didn't spend time with him; I'm making him lonely...blah blah blah. You will reach your breaking point. I've reached mine. I had a not so pleasant talk with him, but I am standing up for myself more these days. These "needy" spouses have to be reminded that they need to build the other up, not tear them down. You don't have to get nasty or defensive about it (I know emotions run high...through personal experience), but have that talk with him and see where it goes. I wish you and your hubby the best of luck and a fresh start!
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One of my best friends went through this and her marriage didn't last. Not trying to be a downer, but when a spouse becomes very controlling, it will create animosity and more than likely have the other looking for reasons NOT to be there at all. She spent more and more time away just so she didn't have to listen to him. They eventually divorced (her doing not his) and also had to end up getting a restraining order because he kept following her around.michellekeenerhollingsworth wrote: »Lauren. You are not alone. My husband does the same thing to me. Controlling what times he wants me to work out. Counting down every minute I am away at the gym. If I am over a certain time frame he confronts me with 50 million questions as to "what am I really doing?" He *kitten* an attitude...going on about how I didn't spend time with him; I'm making him lonely...blah blah blah. You will reach your breaking point. I've reached mine. I had a not so pleasant talk with him, but I am standing up for myself more these days. These "needy" spouses have to be reminded that they need to build the other up, not tear them down. You don't have to get nasty or defensive about it (I know emotions run high...through personal experience), but have that talk with him and see where it goes. I wish you and your hubby the best of luck and a fresh start!
She's remarried now to a great guy and has a great family.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Coming from a guy I'm gonna tell you straight up. He's at maximum afraid you'll leave once losing your weight or at minimum he's got serious insecurity issues. You need to do you! If you keep enabling his behavior you've dug your own long term relationship grave.0
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I'm a guy that's been in that situation where the insecure woman gets aggressive about my time in the gym. One day, she walks into the kitchen, sees me preparing my meals for the day and says:
"I wish I had your discipline."
The next day she says:
"I know you're going to find someone better looking than me and leave me."
It gets old, fast. Advice is difficult to give because only you truly know your situation. One of the bad things is that while you may not be going to the gym to meet someone, his petty attitude could be the very thing that ends up pushing you away. But telling him "if you don't quit being insecure about it, I really will leave you" won't help. He's hedging his bets. Either her whines and gets you to stay, or you leave because you can't deal with his whining, and he gets to say "Ha! I knew I couldn't trust you!"
I suggest that you continue doing this for yourself. You can't fix his issues. If he says:
"you're choosing this over me,"
you may want to counter with:
"I didn't choose anything over you. It doesn't have to be a choice. I can do both."
I advise against going the "you spend time with your friends/you do things by yourself" route, because you don't want to get into a tit-for-tat fight. You don't want things to devolve into "you spent an hour in the bathtub, so I get to spend an hour watching tv while you're trying to sleep," or "you did this, so I get to do that." I know it sounds petty and juvenile, but he's clearly being petty and juvenile. Kill him with kindness: "I'm sorry you feel as though I'm putting this ahead of you. I'm not. This is something that I'm doing for myself. If you still feel bad about it I'm sorry, but I understand. I'll give you your space. I'm going to the gym now. We can talk about it when I get back, if you want. I love you." And leave it at that.
Best.Advice.Here.0 -
He needs to act like a man, not a boy. Being a husband means putting your wife first and support her. He needs to talk to a man and be mentored.0
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I'd like to get his side of the story on this. How much time do you get to spend together on a regular basis? Do you have kids, both work full time, or have any other things that take up your time?
My husband and I work full time, his days off are different than mine, and we have a young child who takes up a lot of our time. I try to schedule my workouts so that they don't interfere with family time or couple time whenever possible. By no means do I put myself second all the time but I do try to keep a balance in mind because I know that if my husband were suddenly gone for an hour each night I would be upset too.0 -
Maybe tell him that by investing in your health by working out, you'll be around for much longer than if you didn't. Exercising is an investment in your future, and the futures of the people you care about, so you are less likely to be a burden and more likely to be able to care for others later in life.
I won't even go there with the controlling stuff..0 -
Thanks everyone... We spend most of our time together, and yes he does get upset when I hang out with friends too, so I guess it's part of a bigger issue. ... I just thought he would support this
I've tried inviting him and he always no. He has hobbies, so working out at home might be an option. I am just very unmotivated at home - I see too much other stuff to do.
So basically, he wants to continue doing his things, but doesn't want you to do anything you want to do.
There is a bigger issue at hand here.0 -
There's not enough room for a gym inside the kitchen in your 1950's bungalow?0
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michellekeenerhollingsworth wrote: »Lauren. You are not alone. My husband does the same thing to me. Controlling what times he wants me to work out. Counting down every minute I am away at the gym. If I am over a certain time frame he confronts me with 50 million questions as to "what am I really doing?" He *kitten* an attitude...going on about how I didn't spend time with him; I'm making him lonely...blah blah blah. You will reach your breaking point. I've reached mine. I had a not so pleasant talk with him, but I am standing up for myself more these days. These "needy" spouses have to be reminded that they need to build the other up, not tear them down. You don't have to get nasty or defensive about it (I know emotions run high...through personal experience), but have that talk with him and see where it goes. I wish you and your hubby the best of luck and a fresh start!
It's a good thing you don't have anything identifying who you are in your screen name when you publicly talk about your spouse.0 -
I suggest make a time table and allocate some time with him alone so that he doesn't feel left out. That way he will be happy that you are making time for him too.0
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I would definitely not give up the gym and work out at home ... that's just giving in and meeting his demands. I am sorry your husband is so childish, but I agree that it's something to watch out for. Hopefully, it won't turn into aggression (been there). Definitely learn how to stand up for yourself. That was something I had to learn, too, and it was hard, but it's totally worth it. Good luck, you got this!0
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_dracarys_ wrote: »michellekeenerhollingsworth wrote: »Lauren. You are not alone. My husband does the same thing to me. Controlling what times he wants me to work out. Counting down every minute I am away at the gym. If I am over a certain time frame he confronts me with 50 million questions as to "what am I really doing?" He *kitten* an attitude...going on about how I didn't spend time with him; I'm making him lonely...blah blah blah. You will reach your breaking point. I've reached mine. I had a not so pleasant talk with him, but I am standing up for myself more these days. These "needy" spouses have to be reminded that they need to build the other up, not tear them down. You don't have to get nasty or defensive about it (I know emotions run high...through personal experience), but have that talk with him and see where it goes. I wish you and your hubby the best of luck and a fresh start!
It's a good thing you don't have anything identifying who you are in your screen name when you publicly talk about your spouse.
LOL!!! :laugh:
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Though he doesn't pout, my husband gets snarky when I do something to improve myself and he has admitted he worries that some charming billionaire will whisk me away one day. I have learned to ignore his attitude when he gets like that and just keep working toward my goals. My husband will eventually realize that my love for him has not changed.0
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