Hubby refuses to grasp healthier lifestyle. Help!!!!
ksnurse25
Posts: 62 Member
I am a 33 year old nurse from Kansas. My husband is 36 and we have a 3 year old little girl. My husband and I have struggled on our weights it seems like forever. I have been using MFP for almost 5 years and have learned to be healthier and happier by cooking better foods and increasing my activity. I am frustrated because I am trying to teach my daughter to be healthy as well and be a good role model, but on the other hand I have a husband that is complete opposite. His famous phrase is that I would rather die fat and happy. Armed with health knowledge out of the wazoo with being an RN, I really fear my husband's bad eating habits and sedimentary lifestyle. I make healthy meals and only make enough to limit portion control, but he goes in and pulls out boxes of candy later that evening. He usually does not eat breakfast or lunch, so he goes all day without anything at work, and then comes home starving and eats everything in site. I have stressed the importance of 3 well balanced meals a day, but he refuses. He has been going out to eat some days at work for lunch with his co-workers, but they are generally not healthy choices (but at least he was eating lunch). I have offered to make lunches and snacks for him to take, but he refuses. And don't get me wrong, when I cook, it's good stuff. Just because it is healthy doesn't mean it is boring. We bought new bikes and he rode his a block and then gave up and went home. A couple of times I have got him to go on walks with me and our little girl but it wasn't without my little girl begging. His lab values are through the roof with cholesterol and he has blood pressure issues. His uncle just had a heart attack and he is built just like him with a majority of his weight being in the abdomen. And the snoring...OMG!!! I think I am cranky just from lack of sleep! I have pretty much come to the conclusion that he is a stubborn *kitten* and that it will take a huge scare (heart attack) in order to help him be healthier. I am tired of being the nagging wife telling him that he needs to stop as he is shoving the fourth cheeseburger in his mouth. I love my husband with all my heart and I want him to be here a very long time. If he continues the path that he is on, that time will be short lived. I'm not the bad guy...just wanting to nag for the fun of it. I have come to the point that I just get real with him and leave the sugar coated *kitten* behind. I tell him to stop and look what he is doing. He doesn't even think. How many calories is in that? How many servings did you eat? I try to educate but I am hitting a brick wall. How many of you out there have gone through this? Do any of you have any advice? If I have to be a you know what to get through to him....I guess I will just have to do it.
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Your hubby is a grown up and you cannot be responsible for him. I would suggest making a bigger portion for him at dinner especially if he is skipping breakfast and lunch. At least he can eat more real food and maybe be too full for candy. Teach your daughter the joys of being fit and healthy and having the energy to run around and play.0
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I always make enough for him to have seconds if he pleases. Trust me, he should not be going away hungry.I would suggest making a bigger portion for him at dinner especially if he is skipping breakfast and lunch. At least he can eat more real food and maybe be too full for candy.
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I live this too! I totally get it, my husband doesn't eat breakfast, eats out for Lunch, never eats dinner & if he does its pizza from a box that he loads with more cheese & processed meats, rarely eats vegetables, adds salt to everything, brings stuff home all the time like chips, cookies & candy & drinks 5-6 beer a day, has used chewing tabacco a few times a day for over 25yrs, & parks it on the sofa for most of his down time! I'm convinced he has sleep apnea the snoring is beyond measure and he suffers from gout flare ups at least 1 - 2 times a year.
I've stopped saying anything about his choices, because they are HIS choices. All I can do is be an example of healthy living to our two girls, they will see the effects of lifestyle choices play out in front of them, no lecture required.
I'm no saint but eat a cleanish diet mainly of fresh veggies, fruit, fish, eggs & whole grains and talk with my girls about food as fuel and that of course treats play a part in our diet but not all day long for instance if you would like cookies in your lunch box we will have fresh fruit for dessert, nothing extreme just balanced.
I do active things with the kids like riding bikes & hikes, and going to the beach, we have so much fun, he is missing out but that's HIS choice.
My hope is that at some point he will realize he needs to change his lifestyle, when that day comes I'll be his biggest cheerleader & will help in any way I can, but I can't nag & berate him into health.
I didn't paint a very nice picture of my husband so for the record he is a kind, fun loving husband & Dad & great person overall!
My advice to you is keep on doing what you are doing and be a positive example for both him & your daughter.0 -
There is nothing you can do. Hard to hear, hard to accept, but true. You cannot make his choices for him, and the harder you push the less he's going to want to do it. Honestly... just back off and let him make his choices. The only thing that can make him change is him. He has to want to. Right now he doesn't. Period.0
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My advice to you is keep on doing what you are doing and be a positive example for both him & your daughter.
Thank you for the advice. You hit it on the head. I don't want everyone to think I am some power hungry health nut....I just love my husband so much that I want to help him make better choices. Sounds like our husbands are a lot alike. I will continue to be the best I can be...because that is all I have control of. It's just sad that his come to Jesus talk may be with the big man himself.0 -
He's a grown up, and he'll either get it on his own, or he won't. Personally, at 48 I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I weighted 260 at the time, had trouble going up stairs, and slept with a CPAP machine. I decided to not only lose the weight, but get in shape with running and yoga. Three years and 80 pounds later, I feel great. I love my wife very much, and she could stand to lose some weight, but unless she gets the internal motivation like I did, it won't happen.0
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There's absolutely nothing wrong with your husband only eating one meal each day if that's what he prefers. There are a lot of people using this site who will tell you they've lost a lot of weight and gotten healthy practicing an intermittent fasting lifestyle. Time of day for calories consumed makes no difference to health or weight loss/gain. It's no "healthier" to eat three meals a day than one. If he's not eating breakfast or lunch but eating what he wants at night at least he's probably eating less calories total on most days.
I do have to admit that my husband is the same as yours. As soon as he comes home he's parked on the sofa. He does no exercise except the occasional walk. He's watched me get fitter and leaner over the last four years. I took up running and weight lifting. Thankfully, he's never been obese but heart disease and diabetes do run in his family so he should be taking better care of himself than he has been. I said things to him earlier on but you cannot force or nag someone into a healthier lifestyle, it has to be his choice. So I resigned myself to trying to be a good role model and helping our son to make the right choices for his own health. Over the last few months, my husband has finally begun to make some better choices and has dropped a few pounds. I've been trying to give some sporadic positive reinforcement so he realizes I notice without bashing him over the head with it.
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Honestly, there's not much you can do. He has to want it for himself and be ready. You can't force it on him or he'll start to resent you. Just leave the door open for help, but otherwise, keep doing you and let him do him.0
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Yup = his choice and until he has motivation on his side, you are wasting your breath.
BUT....you making healthy meals, you encouraging exercise,,,,,the one thing I have not heard mention, is you stopping buying the candy.......
If he wants it, he buys it.....How about that as a compromise?? If he has to buy it and sees how much he is buying or buys it and sees how quickly he gets through it, then it maybe the nudge he needs without you having to do anymore than just say, ' Candy is your responsibility from now on...'.......
Best of luck. I have given my husband his own cupboard - in the kitchen. I would put it in the attic if I could! And I never ever go in there now........I didn't much before but the tortilla chips used to call my name. No more.........I changed my name.0 -
I think what you can do here is to stop telling him and stop educating him for a few weeks. He will start to wonder sooner or later about you not talking to him about healthy eating etc., continue to talk about other stuff as normal. He will feel less pressured and may become open to accepting a more healthy lifestyle. Just keep cooking your yummy healthy food:). As far as his not eating breakfast or lunch...his body is adapted to that...I am not sure you can change that. I have a brother who does not eat breakfast or lunch! But eats big dinner:)0
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I think you married a hedonist. Hedonists can be a lot of fun. Short-lived, though.
I'd back off from saying anything more. He's heard it; just not absorbed it. Wait until he asks.
When I was a teen I got really scared that smoking would kill my dad. I went on an anti-smoking campaign including putting up anti-smoking posters up all over the neighbourhood. Dad did not stop smoking for another twenty years, when it finally caught up to him. I'm scared again, because he will die within a year or so from COPD. He makes consistently healthy choices NOW. It took a divorce from his first wife (my mother) and a wake-up call (no enablers left) before he smartened up about his health.
Food for thought, "Shrinking Women" by Lily Myers0 -
Oh, by the way, by taking my hubby's complaints seriously about my snoring, I discovered I had sleep apnea. Likely that bit of complaining (and my heeding) added ten years to my lifespan.0
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I don't rhink nagging will do any good. All you can do is make good choices for you and your daughter. Hopefully he'll get on board and want to be a good role model for her, too.
I would definitely keep inviting him on walks and other physical activities, and if he says no, smile and go on your way. Hopefully he will want to spend time with you guys.
Good luck 0 -
Do any of you have any advice? If I have to be a you know what to get through to him....I guess I will just have to do it.
You CAN'T get through to him. He makes up his own mind, just like you make up yours.
If it's that important to you, split up now and save everyone a whole lot of extra grief.
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I've been going to the gym at least once a week for the past year as part of my transformation. We got club membership at the same time but his interest quickly waned. Unlike your hubby, mine wants to be healthy...at least in theory. In practice, he slipped. For an entire year. I would ask if he wanted to come along and if he demurred (and boy he had some great excuses!), I went on without him.
A couple weeks ago we visited family and a nephew noticed his growing paunch. When we got home, hubby asked me how to "get motivated". Well, that's all I needed. I started writing out a plan. He tried to slow me down; he didn't want a plan, he wanted "motivation"! What he didn't understand is that motivation is overrated. All that really needs to be done is put the toe out the door. Once a new habit is established, that becomes the new norm and it's not hard at all.
We've gone twice now. We're on our way to a new norm.0 -
yhealthy2000 wrote: »I think what you can do here is to stop telling him and stop educating him for a few weeks. He will start to wonder sooner or later about you not talking to him about healthy eating etc., continue to talk about other stuff as normal. He will feel less pressured and may become open to accepting a more healthy lifestyle. Just keep cooking your yummy healthy food:). As far as his not eating breakfast or lunch...his body is adapted to that...I am not sure you can change that. I have a brother who does not eat breakfast or lunch! But eats big dinner:)
Quite! I can't eat breakfast for hours....so my meals are very 'delayed'......but definitely let him wonder why you not making a fuss any more..works everytime no matter what the subject!
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the one thing I have not heard mention, is you stopping buying the candy.......
If he wants it, he buys it.....How about that as a compromise?? If he has to buy it and sees how much he is buying or buys it and sees how quickly he gets through it, then it maybe the nudge he needs without you having to do anymore than just say, ' Candy is your responsibility from now on...'.......
Problem is that the candy is not from my purchases. My child is the only grandchild on one side so she gets tons of candy on holidays. I do not throw my child's candy away because it is not mine. She is however limited on it. I have talked to the family but once again...what do you do. I do not keep snack foods in the cabinets. The snack drawers are separate kind of out of sight...out of mind. I indulge every once in a while as well...but it is a treat and is to be eaten in moderation. If I buy candy, it is in a single serving not a huge bag. That is an awesome trick that I use. Now the hubby, he buys the big bag and leaves it next to the bed...at eats it at night after a huge meal.0 -
The more you push it on him, the more he won't do it!!0
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If it's that important to you, split up now and save everyone a whole lot of extra grief.
I was not aware that being concerned for someone's health was grounds for divorce. LOL! Sorry but this comment made me giggle. My husband is my everything. That is why I want to keep him around longer.0 -
Do any of you have any advice?
If it's that important to you, split up now and save everyone a whole lot of extra grief.
I was not aware that being concerned for someone's health was grounds for divorce. LOL! Sorry but this comment made me giggle. My husband is my everything. That is why I want to keep him around longer.
The more you nag about it the more you will push him away.0 -
Not sure why that didn't quote right??0
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Well like most said he is a grown man. He has to be ready. Sometimes unfortunately a health scare is enough to kick people into gear. You can't save him he has to save himself.0
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It sounds like your husband is a rock.0
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Do any of you have any advice?
If it's that important to you, split up now and save everyone a whole lot of extra grief.
I was not aware that being concerned for someone's health was grounds for divorce. LOL! Sorry but this comment made me giggle. My husband is my everything. That is why I want to keep him around longer.
The more you nag about it the more you will push him away.
Yup.. agreed0 -
Thank you everyone for your responses. If anything I just needed to vent. It's frustrating and being able to communicate your feelings helps.
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williethaordazcandidate wrote: »Do any of you have any advice?
If it's that important to you, split up now and save everyone a whole lot of extra grief.
I was not aware that being concerned for someone's health was grounds for divorce. LOL! Sorry but this comment made me giggle. My husband is my everything. That is why I want to keep him around longer.
The more you nag about it the more you will push him away.
Yup.. agreed
About the nagging part only.0 -
Fittreelol wrote: »It sounds like your husband is a rock.
I love you so hard. I was going to say at least he's not rude and igneous.0 -
I wonder what your husband thinks about you coming on here "venting" about him.0
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The more you push the more you will push him away. Men hate nagging. Has his Dr said anything? Its for him to sort out.0
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He knows, all you can do is keep cooking the meals and keeping things healthy for you and your daughter he will either come aboard or he won't. My hubs got upset with me a few times, cause I stopped cooking at night, no more fries and other crap. I started eating during the day and really try to cut out night time eating, I told him if he doesn't want to be so hungry at night he should eat with us during the day, he is slowly getting there. You can only do this for yourself and your children. Best of luck and hopefully he will come around0
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