When Skinny People Say They Are Fat..?
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »I work with a woman who is 5'1" and who fluctuates between a size 0 and a size 2. When she's in a size 2, she says she's fat. After she caught me rolling my eyes she explained that she knows she's not actually fat but that she is more comfortable at a 0 and that for her, when she goes up to a 2, she feels fat.
After seeing all those eye rolls from me, she has actually started saying "Ugh...I feel fat" instead of "I am fat".
That really stopped the eye rolling?
Sure. Everyone feels fat sometimes, even people who wear a size 2.
This. It's a sad friendship/acquaintance where one woman can't confide in the other about her personal insecurities, thoughts and feelings without the other woman turning around and confiding in others about how horrible a person they are for having those insecurities, thoughts and feelings.
So if you're very rich, it would make sense to complain to your poor friend who can barely make rent about money troubles and how you "feel" poor? Doesn't matter how stressed you are due to a mortgage payment - you still live in a McMansion while they may be on the verge of getting evicted.
One person does not have to be everything to another, IMO. It would be better to find someone a bit more appropriate to vent to in a situation like that
I'm going through a divoce, am having money troubles and going through a few other crappy issues at the moment. I did not roll my eyes at my friend last weekend when she complained to me about some of the issues she's having in her life. My current difficulties do not diminish my friend's. At no point did I interject that her problems were nothing compared to mine. Why? Because I don't believe that to be true, I care about her wellbeing and I'm not a self involved jerk. I'm also not going to do it behind her back like a coward.
People in any socioeconomic situation are allowed to have problems and if they think their friends are mature enough to hear them without it being regurgitated to others as some 'she's got it so much better and she should just shut up about her problems', then, yes, she should be able to talk about it.
But obviously some people are not mature enough to divorce their own issues from those of their friends.
Moral of the story: Make sure your friends are your friends and not catty chicks that will turn your insecurities into something to ridicule with others.
For me it's more about a specific category of difficulties that one person clearly finds more challenging and the other repeatedly complains about it in their presence. In that case I just think a little sensitivity may be warranted. I say repeatedly because for example, I have no issues listening to a size 2 friend complaining about how she can't find clothes in her size due to vanity sizing where the clothes in the store really turn out to be quite large. But if she repeatedly complains about being fat in my presence and I'm clearly bigger than her, as a friend, I think she would understand if I were to politely ask, hey could you please take it easy on that?
I also don't believe it's cowardly to bounce a situation off of others to try to figure out how you should react. Not sure if that's necessarily what you meant but I just thought I'd put it out there
I think you should be able to ask your friend to talk about it less if you really can't divorrve your issues from hers. But eye rolling, coming up with insulting, hurtful quips aimed to make them shut up due to embarrassment and other childish behavior should not be condoned or encouraged.
And I do find it cowardly or immature to talk to complete strangers about another person you label as a friend using what can, at best, only be half of the story. If she's a real friend, she should act like one and talk to her as a friend. I'm not surprised the OP did it. She's young and mistakes like this are commonplace and even expected. She'll lose a few friends as a result before she hopefully learns how to treat a friend better. Some of the other posters and the crumby advice they are giving... Not so much.0 -
rockmama72 wrote: »I recently had some guilt over this. I was looking at pics from 15 years ago, when I thought I was fat. I know I said it a lot. I must have seemed pretty jerky to some people.
me, too. I used to think I was fat when I wore a size 8. I think it was because of my naturally big thighs and wide hips. No matter how hard I tried, these areas depressed me.0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »I work with a woman who is 5'1" and who fluctuates between a size 0 and a size 2. When she's in a size 2, she says she's fat. After she caught me rolling my eyes she explained that she knows she's not actually fat but that she is more comfortable at a 0 and that for her, when she goes up to a 2, she feels fat.
After seeing all those eye rolls from me, she has actually started saying "Ugh...I feel fat" instead of "I am fat".
That really stopped the eye rolling?
Sure. Everyone feels fat sometimes, even people who wear a size 2.
This. It's a sad friendship/acquaintance where one woman can't confide in the other about her personal insecurities, thoughts and feelings without the other woman turning around and confiding in others about how horrible a person they are for having those insecurities, thoughts and feelings.
So if you're very rich, it would make sense to complain to your poor friend who can barely make rent about money troubles and how you "feel" poor? Doesn't matter how stressed you are due to a mortgage payment - you still live in a McMansion while they may be on the verge of getting evicted.
One person does not have to be everything to another, IMO. It would be better to find someone a bit more appropriate to vent to in a situation like that
I'm going through a divoce, am having money troubles and going through a few other crappy issues at the moment. I did not roll my eyes at my friend last weekend when she complained to me about some of the issues she's having in her life. My current difficulties do not diminish my friend's. At no point did I interject that her problems were nothing compared to mine. Why? Because I don't believe that to be true, I care about her wellbeing and I'm not a self involved jerk. I'm also not going to do it behind her back like a coward.
People in any socioeconomic situation are allowed to have problems and if they think their friends are mature enough to hear them without it being regurgitated to others as some 'she's got it so much better and she should just shut up about her problems', then, yes, she should be able to talk about it.
But obviously some people are not mature enough to divorce their own issues from those of their friends.
Moral of the story: Make sure your friends are your friends and not catty chicks that will turn your insecurities into something to ridicule with others.
For me it's more about a specific category of difficulties that one person clearly finds more challenging and the other repeatedly complains about it in their presence. In that case I just think a little sensitivity may be warranted. I say repeatedly because for example, I have no issues listening to a size 2 friend complaining about how she can't find clothes in her size due to vanity sizing where the clothes in the store really turn out to be quite large. But if she repeatedly complains about being fat in my presence and I'm clearly bigger than her, as a friend, I think she would understand if I were to politely ask, hey could you please take it easy on that?
I also don't believe it's cowardly to bounce a situation off of others to try to figure out how you should react. Not sure if that's necessarily what you meant but I just thought I'd put it out there
I think you should be able to ask your friend to talk about it less if you really can't divorrve your issues from hers. But eye rolling, coming up with insulting, hurtful quips aimed to make them shut up due to embarrassment and other childish behavior should not be condoned or encouraged.
And I do find it cowardly or immature to talk to complete strangers about another person you label as a friend using what can, at best, only be half of the story. If she's a real friend, she should act like one and talk to her as a friend. I'm not surprised the OP did it. She's young and mistakes like this are commonplace and even expected. She'll lose a few friends as a result before she hopefully learns how to treat a friend better. Some of the other posters and the crumby advice they are giving... Not so much.
Well, to me the topic appeared to be about an annoying friend of a sister, so
I do agree there are better options than others when it comes to dealing with a situation like this
Again, I still think it comes down to preference. People vent about husbands they very much love, etc. Not everyone may have a huge circle of people in real life that they can confide in, and sometimes you just want to hear others thoughts on a subject
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It's like getting pissed off when you lose your keys. Is it a big deal compared to people who are dealing with war, famine, starvation? No. Does it piss you off anyway? Yeah.
Perspective is fine, but ultimately, people are gonna feel how they feel. It's not constructive to make someone feel guilty for their emotions just because someone has it worse. Because someone always has it worse. And someone always has it better. But life is how it is.0 -
It's like getting pissed off when you lose your keys. Is it a big deal compared to people who are dealing with war, famine, starvation? No. Does it piss you off anyway? Yeah.
Perspective is fine, but ultimately, people are gonna feel how they feel. It's not constructive to make someone feel guilty for their emotions just because someone has it worse. Because someone always has it worse. And someone always has it better. But life is how it is.
This is how I feel about it.
The stance that someone has it worse than you so you're not entitled to your negative feelings is highly problematic to me.0 -
ILiftHeavyAcrylics wrote: »It's like getting pissed off when you lose your keys. Is it a big deal compared to people who are dealing with war, famine, starvation? No. Does it piss you off anyway? Yeah.
Perspective is fine, but ultimately, people are gonna feel how they feel. It's not constructive to make someone feel guilty for their emotions just because someone has it worse. Because someone always has it worse. And someone always has it better. But life is how it is.
This is how I feel about it.
The stance that someone has it worse than you so you're not entitled to your negative feelings is highly problematic to me.
I think we're entitled to how we feel - at the very minimum we cannot help how we feel. My position is that it may be necessary to consider a little sensitivity when complaining / venting around people who clearly have that specific situation worse. I'll of course admit that you know the people in your life best and this may not be an issue for them in the slightest bit
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I think we're entitled to how we feel - at the very minimum we cannot help how we feel. My position is that it may be necessary to consider a little sensitivity when complaining / venting around people who clearly have that specific situation worse. I'll of course admit that you know the people in your life best and this may not be an issue for them in the slightest bit
Or, conversely, it could be considered insensitive to assume that just because someone is larger than me, that she isn't interested in listening to how I feel. I have friends who are bigger, smaller, fatter, skinnier, whatever than me. I tend to assume that they are all secure enough with themselves that they can hear me talk about myself without making it all about them. Just as I can hear them talk about their own issues without making it all about me.
I'm single, but I don't think my married friends are insensitive if they need to vent about relationship troubles. I don't have kids, but that doesn't make my parent friends insensitive if they complain about being tired because they have a sick child. And if a friend who is thinner than me says something like "ugh, I feel fat today", I won't jump to the conclusion that she's saying anything about me at all. She's just telling me how she feels.
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I think we're entitled to how we feel - at the very minimum we cannot help how we feel. My position is that it may be necessary to consider a little sensitivity when complaining / venting around people who clearly have that specific situation worse. I'll of course admit that you know the people in your life best and this may not be an issue for them in the slightest bit
Or, conversely, it could be considered insensitive to assume that just because someone is larger than me, that she isn't interested in listening to how I feel. I have friends who are bigger, smaller, fatter, skinnier, whatever than me. I tend to assume that they are all secure enough with themselves that they can hear me talk about myself without making it all about them. Just as I can hear them talk about their own issues without making it all about me.
I'm single, but I don't think my married friends are insensitive if they need to vent about relationship troubles. I don't have kids, but that doesn't make my parent friends insensitive if they complain about being tired because they have a sick child. And if a friend who is thinner than me says something like "ugh, I feel fat today", I won't jump to the conclusion that she's saying anything about me at all. She's just telling me how she feels.
**Looks at self**. Well, point taken, but I don't necessarily see being single and childless as being a bad thing :laugh: So as you can imagine the examples/analogies do not quite fit for me
If anything I might think of a single childless person going "on and on" (see the OP) about woe is me with all my free time in the presence of a parent who barely gets any sleep. The beginning of World War III, it is not. But a little annoying or insensitive? IMO, yes. But hey I can definitely see where it's more selfless to put your own situation aside and just listen and/or empathize
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The context is that in any relationship or friendship, there's give and take. There are times when you will put your own situation aside to listen and empathize with the other person's issues. There are times when the other person will do that for you. Part of being an adult is knowing how to keep it in balance and to do both of those things, and to recognize that the other person's issues aren't your own or vice versa.
We can't always anticipate how someone might be affected by something. We can aim to be sensitive. But it would also be kind of insulting or belittling to assume that, say, a larger person is too sensitive to handle a smaller person's talk about her weight. Just as it would be belittling or insulting to assume that, say, a childless person (whether by choice or by circumstance) couldn't stand to hear about someone else's children, or an unemployed person couldn't stand to hear about someone's problems at work.0 -
ILiftHeavyAcrylics wrote: »It's like getting pissed off when you lose your keys. Is it a big deal compared to people who are dealing with war, famine, starvation? No. Does it piss you off anyway? Yeah.
Perspective is fine, but ultimately, people are gonna feel how they feel. It's not constructive to make someone feel guilty for their emotions just because someone has it worse. Because someone always has it worse. And someone always has it better. But life is how it is.
This is how I feel about it.
The stance that someone has it worse than you so you're not entitled to your negative feelings is highly problematic to me.
Agreed. I'm also somewhat confounded by the idea that everyone is so potentially sensitive that they make everything about themselves. It's masquerading as concern and "sensitivity", but it's a warped way of thinking.
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I'm too preoccupied with my own weight and health to be concerned about anyone else's (or what they think of their own body).....
issues. we've all got em 0 -
The context is that in any relationship or friendship, there's give and take. There are times when you will put your own situation aside to listen and empathize with the other person's issues. There are times when the other person will do that for you. Part of being an adult is knowing how to keep it in balance and to do both of those things, and to recognize that the other person's issues aren't your own or vice versa.
We can't always anticipate how someone might be affected by something. We can aim to be sensitive. But it would also be kind of insulting or belittling to assume that, say, a larger person is too sensitive to handle a smaller person's talk about her weight. Just as it would be belittling or insulting to assume that, say, a childless person (whether by choice or by circumstance) couldn't stand to hear about someone else's children, or an unemployed person couldn't stand to hear about someone's problems at work.
I understand. If I see eyes rolling when I complain about my ill fitting gold shoes to my poor friend though, I might have a few ideas why. Sometimes the reaction is quite clear and you'll know which camp the person falls into and react appropriately. Heck, you could even ask the person first if it's okay to continually raise said topic, if it's especially sensitive
Edit, sorry: I also think part of what complicates this discussion is that we're talking about both close friends and casual acquaintances. A close friend, yeah, you more or less know how they'd feel about these things. Around an acquaintance (which I think the OP was about), coworker, etc, you don't necessarily know all that much about them in that way, so it may be necessary to tread a bit more lightly
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ILiftHeavyAcrylics wrote: »It's like getting pissed off when you lose your keys. Is it a big deal compared to people who are dealing with war, famine, starvation? No. Does it piss you off anyway? Yeah.
Perspective is fine, but ultimately, people are gonna feel how they feel. It's not constructive to make someone feel guilty for their emotions just because someone has it worse. Because someone always has it worse. And someone always has it better. But life is how it is.
This is how I feel about it.
The stance that someone has it worse than you so you're not entitled to your negative feelings is highly problematic to me.
I think we're entitled to how we feel - at the very minimum we cannot help how we feel. My position is that it may be necessary to consider a little sensitivity when complaining / venting around people who clearly have that specific situation worse. I'll of course admit that you know the people in your life best and this may not be an issue for them in the slightest bit
I agree with this, and I try to consider it in my own behavior, although I'm sure I fail because I'm human. I vent all the time, but I do try to be aware of how others might perceive it, and I do think it's quite thoughtless for someone (like the person the OP referenced, but she's 19) to be so unaware (and might well read it as her saying that so others would say "oh, no, you are tiny!," depending on the specific person). Having been someone who, as a younger person, used insecurity as an excuse for being extremely thoughtless of the feelings of others--since I was in such pain I couldn't possibly be expected to do that, or be assumed to mean anything negative about others when saying something bad about myself!--I tend to be perhaps overly judgmental of that same behavior when I see it now (including in myself).
My sister, who has always been thin and generally knows she looks good, has an occasional habit of going on about weight gain or feeling fat/ugly (she will also make snotty comments about other people, though, or used to), and at some point when we were old enough to relate like adults I just said to her "I know you don't mean to, but that kind of makes me wonder what you are thinking about me and not saying," and she understood and mostly stopped. Later, when I wasn't so sensitive (mainly because I got over it, including when I was still fat) I was more able to talk to her about her issues or be a sounding board for her venting, but for a while there were better people for her to go to, even though we are close.
(And there are similar issues where I don't vent to her, since I know they are areas about which she is sensitive.)0 -
Look, this 19-year-old friend of OP's sister may well be a self absorbed teenager with body dysmorphia and all the sensitivity of a troll. But if she is, hey, that's not OP's problem either. She's not OP's friend, she's her sister's friend. And it's still all about her. OP should ignore her in that case.0
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Oh, of course she should ignore her.0
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Or just choose friends who don't suck.booksandchocolate12 wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »I work with a woman who is 5'1" and who fluctuates between a size 0 and a size 2. When she's in a size 2, she says she's fat. After she caught me rolling my eyes she explained that she knows she's not actually fat but that she is more comfortable at a 0 and that for her, when she goes up to a 2, she feels fat.
After seeing all those eye rolls from me, she has actually started saying "Ugh...I feel fat" instead of "I am fat".
That really stopped the eye rolling?
Sure. Everyone feels fat sometimes, even people who wear a size 2.
This. It's a sad friendship/acquaintance where one woman can't confide in the other about her personal insecurities, thoughts and feelings without the other woman turning around and confiding in others about how horrible a person they are for having those insecurities, thoughts and feelings.
So if you're very rich, it would make sense to complain to your poor friend who can barely make rent about money troubles and how you "feel" poor? Doesn't matter how stressed you are due to a mortgage payment - you still live in a McMansion while they may be on the verge of getting evicted.
One person does not have to be everything to another, IMO. It would be better to find someone a bit more appropriate to vent to in a situation like that
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It's like getting pissed off when you lose your keys. Is it a big deal compared to people who are dealing with war, famine, starvation? No. Does it piss you off anyway? Yeah.
Perspective is fine, but ultimately, people are gonna feel how they feel. It's not constructive to make someone feel guilty for their emotions just because someone has it worse. Because someone always has it worse. And someone always has it better. But life is how it is.
Exactly this. So someone feels fat when they go up from a size 2 to a size 4, and you are a size 20. Do you have it "worse" than them when it comes to weight issues? Yeah. Does it stop them from feeling the way they feel? No. Even if they acknowledge that they are still slimmer than many people could ever hope to be, even if they rationally know that, they still view their life and experience their own insecurities and discomfort in their own subjective way, that they do not fully control.
Life is not a suffering competition, and no one should need permission to feel bad (or good, or anything else).
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