Advice

Hybrice
Hybrice Posts: 117 Member
edited May 2015 in Chit-Chat
Hi guys,

I realize this isn't "really" forum for these kind of things, but you have all been so helpful in the past I thought - meh, why not - chances are someone on here might have a good opinion/insight.

OK so the situation is, I recently got out of a long relationship (3 years), as did the girl I'm currently seeing (4 years), it has been at least 6 months since our breakups for the both of us.

We had been talking for a month or more before anything happened and recently we started what I would consider "seeing" each other. We spend 3-4 nights a week with each other on good weeks, we like the same things (scary how similar we are) and just generally get on really well, all the time. Without getting too graphic, we also have a really good time in other senses - very compatible.

We spend so much time together, cuddle, kiss, hold hands and be affectionate in public and I know she isn't seeing anyone else, as she has told me so. But, she also says she doesn't know if she wants a relationship, after feeling trapped with her ex. Which I can kind of understand as I was in a similar boat, but I'm doing everything I can to show her we aren't all utter tools, taken her out for nice meals, cooked for her etc all the good stuff. Which she has never had done for her previously (to my surprise!) and she's really grateful.

What's your opinions on this? I'm having a really good time and haven't been happier in a long while, and I'd definitely never put an end to it over a "boyfriend" title, but it's hard to gauge where I stand in that sense lol or if there is a long game here, without sounding like an utter wuss, don't want to set myself up for a fall.

By the way, I'm 26 and been in multiple long term relationships before, so this isn't my first rodeo, however never been more confused by a woman hah.

Regards,
Matt
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Replies

  • Tomm88
    Tomm88 Posts: 733 Member
    6 months is pretty fast after you've both been in long term relationships man. Don't take my word on it but if it seems like she's keeping you at arms lengh she might just not be ready, you taking her out and buying her stuff, meals etc might make her think that you are ready, which might scare her off a bit. I'v been through this before and gave too much too soon. Then again everyones different. best of luck!
  • Lrdoflamancha
    Lrdoflamancha Posts: 1,280 Member
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This
  • kinkyslinky16
    kinkyslinky16 Posts: 1,469 Member
    Maybe she's just not that into you. I had just broken up with a guy after 2 years and the one before that one was 5.5 years and as soon as I met my husband, I knew he was it and didn't care about anything else. I told all of the other guys I was dating to *kitten* off after like two weeks of dating.
  • aaronff63
    aaronff63 Posts: 54 Member
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This

    What they said. Your in super friend zone. I've been there before. Not a good place.
  • Hybrice
    Hybrice Posts: 117 Member
    edited May 2015
    aaronff63 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This

    What they said. Your in super friend zone. I've been there before. Not a good place.

    I'm not sure if I didn't explain this right, definitely not in friend zone, we have sex, a lot.
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    She's the one that asks me over a fair amount of the time
  • kinkyslinky16
    kinkyslinky16 Posts: 1,469 Member
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    I disagree with this. The guy has to pursue me, I don't pursue anyone. Maybe that's just me? I figure if the guy wants to see me, he will. My husband was persistent, we spent every day together after our first date. If he had backed off, things may have been differently. But I never had to guess if he wanted to see me...he made it clear. Don't give her that doubt, in my opinion.
  • aaronff63
    aaronff63 Posts: 54 Member
    Then I don't see the problem.......
  • kinkyslinky16
    kinkyslinky16 Posts: 1,469 Member
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    aaronff63 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This

    What they said. Your in super friend zone. I've been there before. Not a good place.

    I'm not sure if I didn't explain this right, definitely not in friend zone, we have sex, a lot.

    I had a lot of sex with my friends, too. Sorry, I think you are friend zoned. I told a guy I was semi dating that I didn't want a relationship either, but once I met my husband I did. I told the guy I was semi dating that I found someone. He was like what the *kitten* I thought you didn't want a relationship. I said I didn't... but that was a relationship with you. Sorry, I'm sure it sucks :'(
  • magneticreikipaul
    magneticreikipaul Posts: 61 Member
    edited May 2015
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    Hi guys,

    I realize this isn't "really" forum for these kind of things, but you have all been so helpful in the past I thought - meh, why not - chances are someone on here might have a good opinion/insight.

    OK so the situation is, I recently got out of a long relationship (3 years), as did the girl I'm currently seeing (4 years), it has been at least 6 months since our breakups for the both of us.

    We had been talking for a month or more before anything happened and recently we started what I would consider "seeing" each other. We spend 3-4 nights a week with each other on good weeks, we like the same things (scary how similar we are) and just generally get on really well, all the time. Without getting too graphic, we also have a really good time in other senses - very compatible.

    We spend so much time together, cuddle, kiss, hold hands and be affectionate in public and I know she isn't seeing anyone else, as she has told me so. But, she also says she doesn't know if she wants a relationship, after feeling trapped with her ex. Which I can kind of understand as I was in a similar boat, but I'm doing everything I can to show her we aren't all utter tools, taken her out for nice meals, cooked for her etc all the good stuff. Which she has never had done for her previously (to my surprise!) and she's really grateful.

    What's your opinions on this? I'm having a really good time and haven't been happier in a long while, and I'd definitely never put an end to it over a "boyfriend" title, but it's hard to gauge where I stand in that sense lol or if there is a long game here, without sounding like an utter wuss, don't want to set myself up for a fall.

    By the way, I'm 26 and been in multiple long term relationships before, so this isn't my first rodeo, however never been more confused by a woman hah.

    Regards,
    Matt
    take some space from each other give her the gift of missing you go date other women lose the oneitis become indifferent to the outcome she's not the only woman with boobs and a *kitten* on the earth! gooogle some stuff on social dynamics focus on yourself
    best of luck

  • aaronff63
    aaronff63 Posts: 54 Member
    kinkyslinky16 wrote: »
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    aaronff63 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This

    What they said. Your in super friend zone. I've been there before. Not a good place.

    I'm not sure if I didn't explain this right, definitely not in friend zone, we have sex, a lot.

    I had a lot of sex with my friends, too. Sorry, I think you are friend zoned. I told a guy I was semi dating that I didn't want a relationship either, but once I met my husband I did. I told the guy I was semi dating that I found someone. He was like what the *kitten* I thought you didn't want a relationship. I said I didn't... but that was a relationship with you. Sorry, I'm sure it sucks :'(

    See. It happens. Happened to me.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    3-4 nights a week is a lot of time together. For like these next two weeks, I would drop it to 1-2 and see what happens with her.
  • Hybrice
    Hybrice Posts: 117 Member
    aaronff63 wrote: »
    kinkyslinky16 wrote: »
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    aaronff63 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This

    What they said. Your in super friend zone. I've been there before. Not a good place.

    I'm not sure if I didn't explain this right, definitely not in friend zone, we have sex, a lot.

    I had a lot of sex with my friends, too. Sorry, I think you are friend zoned. I told a guy I was semi dating that I didn't want a relationship either, but once I met my husband I did. I told the guy I was semi dating that I found someone. He was like what the *kitten* I thought you didn't want a relationship. I said I didn't... but that was a relationship with you. Sorry, I'm sure it sucks :'(

    See. It happens. Happened to me.

    Well, that's a kick in the nuts lol genuinely like her. Hmmm fair, did ask for honesty :) thanks guys.
  • Contrary03
    Contrary03 Posts: 289 Member
    First off, as you know- never try to understand us.. lol. Here's my advice...Completely blow her off. This is a sure fire way to find out what she really wants.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    edited May 2015
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    aaronff63 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This

    What they said. Your in super friend zone. I've been there before. Not a good place.

    I'm not sure if I didn't explain this right, definitely not in friend zone, we have sex, a lot.
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    She's the one that asks me over a fair amount of the time

    Sex is just sex buddy. I'm in a super friend zone with some girl too.

    Shes addicted to what OP dick did.
  • Hybrice
    Hybrice Posts: 117 Member
    edited May 2015
    yopeeps025 wrote: »
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    aaronff63 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This

    What they said. Your in super friend zone. I've been there before. Not a good place.

    I'm not sure if I didn't explain this right, definitely not in friend zone, we have sex, a lot.
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    She's the one that asks me over a fair amount of the time

    Sex is just sex buddy. I'm in a super friend zone with some girl too.

    Hmm agreed, and I've been there before but it really doesn't feel that way, it's never just sex, every time we do I stay over and we end up cuddling all night etc, when we're out and about we hold hands, even across the table at meals etc. Dunno, just doesn't feel that "cut and dry" to me.
  • justinegibbons
    justinegibbons Posts: 918 Member
    I don't agree with blowing her off or making her chase you.. We are adults. Just be straight forward with her. Explain to her what you're saying here.. You like her, enjoy spending time with her and understand that she's not ready to get back in to another relationship but you want to make sure your efforts aren't in vain. No need to play games.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    yopeeps025 wrote: »
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    aaronff63 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This

    What they said. Your in super friend zone. I've been there before. Not a good place.

    I'm not sure if I didn't explain this right, definitely not in friend zone, we have sex, a lot.
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    She's the one that asks me over a fair amount of the time

    Sex is just sex buddy. I'm in a super friend zone with some girl too.

    Hmm agreed, and I've been there before but it really doesn't feel that way, it's never just sex, every time we do I stay over and we end up cuddling all night etc, when we're out and about we hold hands, even across the table at meals etc. Dunno, just doesn't feel that "cut and dry" to me.

    lets call all that other stuff activities that come with sex. She says she is not ready for a relationship right?
  • Hybrice
    Hybrice Posts: 117 Member
    justinegibbons wrote: »
    I don't agree with blowing her off or making her chase you.. We are adults. Just be straight forward with her. Explain to her what you're saying here.. You like her, enjoy spending time with her and understand that she's not ready to get back in to another relationship but you want to make sure your efforts aren't in vain. No need to play games.

    I would do this, but she is TERRIBLE at talking about emotions lol it makes her crumple into a ball of awkward, though one time we went out and had more than a few drinks she was able to open up and was really sweet.
  • _incogNEATo_
    _incogNEATo_ Posts: 4,537 Member
    The most important question is, why did your other girlfriends break up with you?
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    justinegibbons wrote: »
    I don't agree with blowing her off or making her chase you.. We are adults. Just be straight forward with her. Explain to her what you're saying here.. You like her, enjoy spending time with her and understand that she's not ready to get back in to another relationship but you want to make sure your efforts aren't in vain. No need to play games.

    I would do this, but she is TERRIBLE at talking about emotions lol it makes her crumple into a ball of awkward, though one time we went out and had more than a few drinks she was able to open up and was really sweet.

    Uh Oh. I heard all this before. As in exactly what I am in right now but like poster said above Tell her how you feel man. I don't understand how some women can't express themselves but it is what it is.
  • soldiergrl_101
    soldiergrl_101 Posts: 2,205 Member
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    ^^This^^
  • _incogNEATo_
    _incogNEATo_ Posts: 4,537 Member
    _incogNEATo_ wrote: »
    The most important question is, why did your other girlfriends break up with you?

    Why the flag? I'm trying to help OP get to the bottom of the issue.
  • magneticreikipaul
    magneticreikipaul Posts: 61 Member
    stop being her tampax man up ffs
  • jazzine1
    jazzine1 Posts: 280 Member
    Sometimes its just great sex, lots of great sex. :D I usually tell a guy I don't want a relationship when I truly don't want to be exclusive, I want to leave my options open. BUT that doesn't mean I don't enjoy his company and being pampered, hugged, kissed. I can like a guy but yet not want a relationship with him. A woman knows when she falls deep for a guy and when she does she wont hesitate to be official.
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,406 Member
    Sounds like a friend with benefits. I dont know...I think you could do both. Stop seeing her as much - and when she asks why, be up front and honest and ask her to *kitten* or get off the pot!
  • _incogNEATo_
    _incogNEATo_ Posts: 4,537 Member
    dakotababy wrote: »
    Sounds like a friend with benefits. I dont know...I think you could do both. Stop seeing her as much - and when she asks why, be up front and honest and ask her to *kitten* or get off the pot!

    Assuming she's into that kind of stuff??
  • kinkyslinky16
    kinkyslinky16 Posts: 1,469 Member
    edited May 2015
    jazzine1 wrote: »
    Sometimes its just great sex, lots of great sex. :D I usually tell a guy I don't want a relationship when I truly don't want to be exclusive, I want to leave my options open. BUT that doesn't mean I don't enjoy his company and being pampered, hugged, kissed. I can like a guy but yet not want a relationship with him. A woman knows when she falls deep for a guy and when she does she wont hesitate to be official.

    Yep. This. She doesn't want a relationship with you, just wants to *kitten* and have someone to cuddle with. I had cuddle buddies when I was single. Guy friends that would cuddle, sometimes we had sex and they always spent the night, but we were most definitely not dating exclusively in any way shape or form in my opinion.

    And you could not see her as often and she will probably ask you why and miss you. But it's probably because she got lonely and noticed you were missing........ from my perspective, you are a cuddle buddy....
  • Sweetiepiestef
    Sweetiepiestef Posts: 343 Member
    kinkyslinky16 wrote: »
    mcornall88 wrote: »
    aaronff63 wrote: »
    TavistockToad wrote: »
    Lrdoflamancha wrote: »
    Back off a bit. I think you are too available... Let her miss you. If she pursues or does not, then you have your answer.

    This

    What they said. Your in super friend zone. I've been there before. Not a good place.

    I'm not sure if I didn't explain this right, definitely not in friend zone, we have sex, a lot.

    I had a lot of sex with my friends, too. Sorry, I think you are friend zoned. I told a guy I was semi dating that I didn't want a relationship either, but once I met my husband I did. I told the guy I was semi dating that I found someone. He was like what the *kitten* I thought you didn't want a relationship. I said I didn't... but that was a relationship with you. Sorry, I'm sure it sucks :'(

    I hate to admit it but I did the exact same thing. Like to the "T". I hope the circumstances are different for you since you really seem to like this girl and who knows maybe she will change her mind if you ever try to move on or you can do as the others say and just not be so available. If you let her go and she comes back you will know...
  • jboccio90
    jboccio90 Posts: 644 Member
    She doesn't want to commit because being single does have an allure to some woman and she probably doesn't want to settle after being a long term relationship. Like other posters say, blow her off and see how she reacts. If you are appearing to eager to her then she might think she already has the benefits of a boyfriend with out the label and commitment.

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