Spousal Influence
daronjd
Posts: 4 Member
Hello! I have been using MFP for a little over 2 years (off and on). I just started using it again. I stopped the first time because I spent years struggling with a severe eating disorder and really didn't want to be ritualistic with calorie counting. I am back on MFP because I need the accountability as I continue in my journey to a healthy weight! I was hoping that I could get some feedback from a few of the community members about how to cope when your spouse is not motivated to join you in your lifestyle change. My husband is willing to walk with me when I ask him but he keeps challenging foods around the house that tempt me and expects me to restrain myself. I was hoping for a little advice from you all. I have lost apprx 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks and I am thrilled with it but my issue in the past has been maintenance and I am fearful that I will fall back into bad habits because of the food that my husband likes to keep around for himself. Thanks.
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Exercise your self control. You know, it's like a muscle; the more you exercise it, the stronger it gets.0
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Thank you. I'm still coping with the unfairness of having to make this change when he doesn't. He has better genetics so he does not need to exercise or eat healthy, but I do. I am trying to change the way that I think about diet and exercise but sometimes living with someone who does not have to prioritize it makes it difficult.0
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I've been on this weight loss enterprise mostly on my own. Hubby supports me by not interfering (and pretty generous with my time away at meetings and gym, I might add). He has a sweet tooth and I do not.
He has his treat shelf which I raid once in a while.
When I plate food, his portions and proportions are different than mine. I have more salad on mine.
He likes the idea that my low-cal cooking is helping him trim his waistline. Just as long as it isn't tofu and fish all week.
He's back on the wagon with gym classes and I've adjusted my schedule to join him once a week.
I guess I'm saying your spouse does not have to conform to everything you are doing. There's got to be room for him to be who he is in all this. You might ask that he have a designated space for his treats so it's not driving you nuts all the time.0 -
Thank you for sharing! Great suggestion.0
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My husband's idea of exercise is picking up the TV remote. His diet consists of Dr Pepper 10, ice cream, chips and hamburgers (I kid you not). Despite his different priorities, I have been able to lose 50+lbs (and keep it off now for about 1 yr) and exercise (cycling now - about 50-80miles per week). It doesn't matter how HE prioritizes his life. My responsibility is to meet my own priorities.0
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To be honest, the food temptation is your issue, not his. It's unfair to expect him to punish or restrict himself in order to acquiesce to your inability to control yourself. Please do not mistake this for harshness, I do not mean for it to come across as such; I do understand your frustration, I have it all around me in my own house because I'm in the same situation as you.
But I've learned to do two things: 1.) Be accountable to myself and for myself...husband not included. 2.) If I cannot stay away from the temptation, I incorporate it into my calories for the day. If I decide to have that piece of cheesecake or some Ben and Jerry's, then I'll only have a salad for dinner or whatever else will fit into my numbers.0 -
Well this is my hubby. And you know what I eat what i want as long as its within limits and its not grease. Um Idk what to say except gotta just say no. My husband has a bowl of cereal every night. Sometimes he brings pastries and beer. I will have a little but i just hope your not supposed to force your hubby to eat better so your not tempted THATs not fair and uncool. Just like it would be for to tell him stop buying ice-cream and eating it-wait thats me buying it eating it and losing wait-heh never mind whoops but in all seriousness he can be supportive but to restrict HIS diet because YOU are not can not be disclipined in yours is wrong. Be more disciplined. Have your versions of food if not get more active and have what he is having-its what i do. I just love food and and will enjoy it and if i have to limit my portions and walk/workout more then.so.be.it.Hello! I have been using MFP for a little over 2 years (off and on). I just started using it again. I stopped the first time because I spent years struggling with a severe eating disorder and really didn't want to be ritualistic with calorie counting. I am back on MFP because I need the accountability as I continue in my journey to a healthy weight! I was hoping that I could get some feedback from a few of the community members about how to cope when your spouse is not motivated to join you in your lifestyle change. My husband is willing to walk with me when I ask him but he keeps challenging foods around the house that tempt me and expects me to restrain myself. I was hoping for a little advice from you all. I have lost apprx 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks and I am thrilled with it but my issue in the past has been maintenance and I am fearful that I will fall back into bad habits because of the food that my husband likes to keep around for himself. Thanks.
My hubby isn't going to yell at me for eating ice-cream in front of him (and he doesn't-he is trying to lose his belly) he lets me bring in what i bring in. I the same for him.0 -
Yikes, there's that dreaded "f" word - fair. Life's not fair. My hubby and kids would have to strap on weighted backpacks to gain just one ounce, but it's really about genetics and not fairness. It's all about what I CHOOSE- I choose to track my food, I choose be mindful of my calorie intake, make wiser choices about my food and portion size. I choose to exercise. I chose to assign a cupboard to my family for storing foods I struggle resisting and nothing else that I would ever need goes in that cupboard, so I'm not going to come face to face with a can of Pringles while looking for the rice. I'm out a lot - walking, going to the gym, going to fitness classes. This weekend my hubby asked if he could come on my 7am dog walk! Last night as I was lacing up to run the dogs around the block, my daughter said she'd like to join me. Another day my daughter asked if I could boil more water in the kettle so she could have oatmeal for breakfast with me. It didn't happen overnight, but they see the benefits and want to partake in the choices I've made and participate in being healthier.0
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One thing which may help is to clear a shelf in a cabinet or area of the fridge and freezer and ask him to keep his foods put away. For me, out of sight helps.0
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I suffer from a similar situation with my roommate/partner. It's difficult at times not to resent him. He sincerely NEEDS to lose weight and says he wants to. We also have a budget issue. I often feel I'm the only one who trying to make healthy meals for the week and not get unhealthy take out 4 times a week.
I've been able to overcome his lack of commitment and subconscious sabotage of my/our goals by sticking to my guns about our meal plans and our limited budget. I've also do not enter into conversations about his desires for scrapping a day of healthy eating for unhealthy foods.
I also relate to living in a home with "temptation" foods. I can't and won't dictate what my roommate has for his personal treats... BUT I do make sure I have a healthy snack available for myself so when he's munching on a second helping of a meal or a high calorie treat, I can go to the freezer or cupboard for something that I'm comfortable with. For me, I find most of the time I'm not jealous of what he's eating but the fact that he's eating.
Sorry for the ramble...I hope this helps a little.0 -
I took more of the approach that I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I stayed with in my calorie goal. I quickly learned that I had trigger foods like chocolate, sweet tea, and cappuccinos. Those are things I had to eliminate all together because if I have one, I want another and another and pretty soon I ate the whole bag of Hershey's in two days. So I eliminate the trigger foods - At least for now. After a few weeks, I no longer craved those things. Also I replaced those sweet things with something that was healthier ( I drink a kombucha, or hot tea with honey instead). It sounds silly, but it worked for me and that is the bottom line for all of us. What works for one may or may not work for another. Also try to focus on the good stuff your hubby does instead of what drives you crazy. Mine laughed at me when I started bringing the scale to the dinner table, but I knew I had to do it for me. He offered me sweets for awhile, but after me telling him I didn't want any, he stopped. On the same token, he watches the kids once a week so I can go my bike, which I love. And he always tells me I am doing great and looking good. I have lost almost 20 since really committing to this ( MFP says I have lost 7, but that is going from when I made the account a year ago. I gained 11 lbs after making the account but have lost all that and more since committing to it.)0
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@daronjd From a man's perspective: When I was in my 20's I was super-fit. No one then would have expected me to gain 100 pounds later in life. Your husband might have the thin gene or might just be coasting. Stuff changes for men too as they age. One day he might be much more open to your focus on healthy eating and lifestyle.
I applaud you, loudly, for taking control of your own health.
While it'd be great if your hubby wasn't keeping things around the house you don't want to be tempted by, stay strong. You can do it. Maybe in time you'll identify other snack and fun foods that work for both of you. I do all of the grocery shopping so even if my wife wasn't supportive (she is! I bow in her direction) she'd be on the same page like it or not.
Reversing the role, while I was gaining weight my wife did not. She skipped that bowl of ice cream after dinner every day, I did not. I would cook and serve large, and larger, but not for her - she exercised control. So it can be done, she taught me that without ever saying a word but I didn't pay attention until last year.
Self motivation and self discipline is important for our long term success so if your husband isn't able to change at this time, maybe you can at least re-frame that issue into a positive light - you are learning to be even more disciplined.
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I've been at this for over 2 years. I was able to fend off his junk food runs, his need for take out, and the laziness.. up until this past December. I fell off, hardcore. I gained 20lbs since then, and now I'm back on the train, trying to get back to where I need to be. It's a struggle, that's for sure!0
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Calliope610 wrote: »Exercise your self control. You know, it's like a muscle; the more you exercise it, the stronger it gets.
+100000000000000000
I would say many/most of us live with people who don't share our diets (whether they need to or not--and "fairness" shouldn't enter into it!). Many posters suggested a treat shelf. We have an opaque plastic container, more so that I don't have to look at goodies when I go in the kitchen because grazing has been a habit for me.
Perhaps you should weigh out small servings of his goodies and put them in baggies or containers and plan to give in once in a while. It's how I stay on this.0 -
Have him buy his treats. Both physically from the shop and with his money. Then they're not yours, and you can't eat them.0
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I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food !
... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents0 -
I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food ! ... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents
Yes weaponize sex this is good and healthy for your marriage this nerd knows what's up0 -
the fact that he goes walking with sould be more than enough to show hes supportive.
and im sure he will love you and want to get busy no matter your physical appearance.
but he might not want his wife telling him/blaming him for the food he enjoys in the house you two share.
my wife and i have a good rule: if i cant do it, then you cant do it...
-meaning, if he cant tell you not to go walking, then you cant tell him not to have his treats--and so on
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Your husband is accountable to himself for his decisions, you are accountable to yourself for yours. My kids like ice cream. My husband likes chips. I keep both in the house, and I only partake if I have the calories to spend for the day.
That's just how it is. You CAN control yourself. It's difficult but not impossible. You have choices. The food is not like Homer's sirens, luring you to your death with their sweet songs....it's an inanimate object; you choose to eat it or not.
I do not believe in making your spouse conform to your needs.0 -
Hello! I have been using MFP for a little over 2 years (off and on). I just started using it again. I stopped the first time because I spent years struggling with a severe eating disorder and really didn't want to be ritualistic with calorie counting. I am back on MFP because I need the accountability as I continue in my journey to a healthy weight! I was hoping that I could get some feedback from a few of the community members about how to cope when your spouse is not motivated to join you in your lifestyle change. My husband is willing to walk with me when I ask him but he keeps challenging foods around the house that tempt me and expects me to restrain myself. I was hoping for a little advice from you all. I have lost apprx 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks and I am thrilled with it but my issue in the past has been maintenance and I am fearful that I will fall back into bad habits because of the food that my husband likes to keep around for himself. Thanks.
The world is full of temptations. Teach yourself to portion out single servings of the 'tempting' foods. It's the only way to learn self control since purging all tempting food from your life is never really an option (freebies when you're out, restaurants, work parties and coworkers bringing cookies, vending machines, potlucks, etc etc)0 -
While I know people are saying to just "exercise self control", I know it can be hard to do. It's difficult to change yourself when your environment is staying the same, especially when that environment is filled with things that often gave you comfort. Aside from that, studies have shown that people are more likely to reach their health goals if their partner is doing it with them. Your husband not wanting to join you in your lifestyle change can be disheartening and frustrating. I totally get that.
However, just as he should give you the freedom to make your own choices in Life, the same is true about how you should view his choices. Mutual respect for each other's lifestyles is important to any relationship, even though his way of living makes your own more difficult.
Maybe sit down and talk to him about this. Without asking him to change, you can say something just like you told us. Example: "Hey, I'm really proud of my weight loss, but I'm worried about gaining weight when there is tempting food in the house. How can we work together to help me achieve my goals of a healthy lifestyle? I have some ideas, but I want to hear yours, too."
You may find he has some ideas to help you that you may not have thought of - ideas that allow him to eat what he likes and for you to maintain a healthy weight. Significant others are here to support us, so maybe a non-confrontational conversation can make that a reality.
I hope this helped; best of luck in your weight loss/maintenence journey!0 -
My boyfriend is the same way with...everything. He supports me but still keeps the junk food in the house. We've made a deal - I do the grocery shopping, I make the meals but one rule...no "weird" food (ie: Tofu, mushrooms, veggie pasta). I buy the treats he really likes, one or two at a time so there isn't ton in the house. I make lower calorie subs of comfort food he likes to eat and I portion it correctly for myself. When he has sweets I take a bite - not portion my own or else I'll go over board, I wait til he is eating it. I agree with the self control... coming from someone that LOVES to eat, if you really want it you'll keep going with it no matter what. Good luck!0
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barbecuesauce wrote: »I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food ! ... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents
Yes weaponize sex this is good and healthy for your marriage this nerd knows what's up
Wow... that was the most crazy suggestion ever, and the best response!0 -
I'd ask him to hide the things he knows I like on the top shelf (out of my sight... I'm short) or in his room.0
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I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food ! ... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents
I really hope you are joking.
OP, it sounds like your husband is supportive. Just keep working on your own thought process as far as deciding not to eat your trouble foods goes. It is completely your issue. Is it hard? Well, yeah, of course. Most things worth doing are at least a little bit difficult. But it gets easier over time. A lot easier.
Thank your husband for going on walks with you. That's a great couples activity.0 -
My wife really didn't start exercising regularly again until I was months into my good livin'...as she saw me losing weight and getting fit, this motivated her to start doing some things again as well. She is a former athlete like I am but we had both become rather sedentary.
In RE to the food and whatnot, all I can say is that right now I'm in a cut and my wife isn't...she likes to drink wine pretty much nightly and doesn't have any issue doing that and maintaining her weight...I have a great deal of difficulty drinking alcohol regularly and cutting...it's just hard to fit it in and get my nutrition. I don't ask my wife not to indulge, I just exercise self control and have a glass or two on Wednesday evening and have some drinks on the weekend.
It works the same with food...you just have to practice self control.0 -
There are certain foods that are total trigger foods for me and my husband just didn't get it. Well that was until he bought Vienna Fingers for himself on a Saturday and then looked for them on Wednesday to find that 3/4 of the package was gone. I was like they are really good. After that he understood that certain foods will not work for me.
However, I am like you, I slip back all the time into the easy. My husband does keep a lot of the junk out of the house. Also he got a new job and gained a lot of weight. He eliminated most of the cookies and such, well he is down 30 lbs without trying (I hate him sometimes). So mostly its not around, but there are some things now and again, but mostly I can resist or he hides it from me. I once knew he had Oreos in the house and asked him for some he gave me 3 as I asked and that was it.
One of the things with my husband is that all the women he knew who lost weight when married, divorced their husbands, so he is worried that I will get thin and leave him. This is silly of course, but he definitely sabotages me now and again. I then point out that I am losing because I feel better eating healthy and he stops, then does it again.
So my advice is talk to your husband, ask him if he can hide some of your trigger foods. Also if chips and such are around, have carrots ready to munch on, etc.0 -
Your husband is accountable to himself for his decisions, you are accountable to yourself for yours. My kids like ice cream. My husband likes chips. I keep both in the house, and I only partake if I have the calories to spend for the day.
That's just how it is. You CAN control yourself. It's difficult but not impossible. You have choices. The food is not like Homer's sirens, luring you to your death with their sweet songs....it's an inanimate object; you choose to eat it or not.
I do not believe in making your spouse conform to your needs.
This!
After losing 40+ lbs, this is what I've learned - my husband wants to eat what he wants to eat, and he will eat it--even if I "can't" (read: choose not to).
A big part of my weight loss this go-around is learning that I don't have to cut things out of my diet to lose weight. Calories in, calories out. If my husband wants cookie butter ice cream from Trader Joe's, we buy it. He eats his portion straight out of the tub--I get out a small ramekin and weigh out a serving size (or less). He buys Cheetos/Doritos--I portion out an exact serving in a dish/Ziploc bag and don't go back for seconds, while he eats to his heart's content straight outta the bag.
I pre-track my meals so I stay accountable. I fit in treats so I don't ever resent my husband (friends/coworkers/relatives, etc.) for eating whatever he wants without gaining an ounce. When I make meals, I cook things that he likes, even if they are calorie-dense, and just make sure that my portions make sense. It comes down to compromise. I compromise by not forcing my new lifestyle on him, and he compromises by not tempting me with pepperoni pizza every night of the week 0 -
jhamptonsleboda wrote: »Your husband is accountable to himself for his decisions, you are accountable to yourself for yours. My kids like ice cream. My husband likes chips. I keep both in the house, and I only partake if I have the calories to spend for the day.
That's just how it is. You CAN control yourself. It's difficult but not impossible. You have choices. The food is not like Homer's sirens, luring you to your death with their sweet songs....it's an inanimate object; you choose to eat it or not.
I do not believe in making your spouse conform to your needs.
This!
After losing 40+ lbs, this is what I've learned - my husband wants to eat what he wants to eat, and he will eat it--even if I "can't" (read: choose not to).
A big part of my weight loss this go-around is learning that I don't have to cut things out of my diet to lose weight. Calories in, calories out. If my husband wants cookie butter ice cream from Trader Joe's, we buy it. He eats his portion straight out of the tub--I get out a small ramekin and weigh out a serving size (or less). He buys Cheetos/Doritos--I portion out an exact serving in a dish/Ziploc bag and don't go back for seconds, while he eats to his heart's content straight outta the bag.
I pre-track my meals so I stay accountable. I fit in treats so I don't ever resent my husband (friends/coworkers/relatives, etc.) for eating whatever he wants without gaining an ounce. When I make meals, I cook things that he likes, even if they are calorie-dense, and just make sure that my portions make sense. It comes down to compromise. I compromise by not forcing my new lifestyle on him, and he compromises by not tempting me with pepperoni pizza every night of the week
I agree with this. I will still have what my kids/spouse are having. Yesterday we had a picnic at the beach, I portioned out chips, cheese cubes, apple slices, baby carrots, and my pb2 and honey sandwich. They all had the same stuff, but I portioned out mine so I wasn't tempted to keep eating the entire bag of cheese cubes. We had the same picnic. I didn't feel left out and we all got to have the same meal. I just knew exactly how much of everything I could have ahead of time.
Sometimes it is still a struggle, like when my husband pulls out the Cadbury mini eggs and I'm done with calories for the day. But a diet soda, or big glass of water usually takes care of the momentary "jealous" itch.0 -
barbecuesauce wrote: »I am amazed by how politically correct are the most of suggestions: it's your problem not his, it's still possible, you need more discipline, etc.
I agree of course he doesn't need to align with everything...but... if he's is not helping you and you told him and made clear it's important thing for you, quite frankly I think it's fair expectation to get some help, support and little sacrifice from the spouse.
So, take the drastic approach and stop sex until he throws away all tempting food ! ... and "may the force be with you"...
My 2 cents
Yes weaponize sex this is good and healthy for your marriage this nerd knows what's up
Hey you kill my self esteem calling me nerd !0
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