can't afford wedding

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WeddedBliss1992
WeddedBliss1992 Posts: 414 Member
this is a bit o/t from weight issues but i got an invite to a wedding of a son of a friend. the wedding is black tie and on the invite, it states, "adults only." so now, we are facing tux/suit rental expenses (my husband has nothing even close to dressy) plus gift, plus babysitter. i'm so old-fashioned!!! what happened to just showing up at the church hall after the cermony and having punch? (ok, i'm joking......a little) i really don't know what to do. i haven't sent the RSVP yet, but looking over our monthly budget, i really don't have the funds this month. i hate to say 'no' due to money, but at the same time, i hate to blow my budget for something like this. *sigh* just had to vent. :/
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  • _incogNEATo_
    _incogNEATo_ Posts: 4,537 Member
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    this is a bit o/t from weight issues but i got an invite to a wedding of a son of a friend. the wedding is black tie and on the invite, it states, "adults only." so now, we are facing tux/suit rental expenses (my husband has nothing even close to dressy) plus gift, plus babysitter. i'm so old-fashioned!!! what happened to just showing up at the church hall after the cermony and having punch? (ok, i'm joking......a little) i really don't know what to do. i haven't sent the RSVP yet, but looking over our monthly budget, i really don't have the funds this month. i hate to say 'no' due to money, but at the same time, i hate to blow my budget for something like this. *sigh* just had to vent. :/

    I don't know how close you are to the friend you're referring to but I wouldn't sweat it much. I'm sure they know that they're limiting their audience if they're declaring "adults only" and calling it a black tie affair.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
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    I wouldn't go. I've skipped many a wedding just because it's just too expensive, and I don't feel bad about it either.

    The wedding is only really important to the ones who are getting married and their immediate families. Everyone else is just there for the expensive party afterwards.

    If this makes me unpopular, so be it. I've got better things that I need to spend my money on, like bills and food.

    Send them a nice card with a small gift. Way cheaper.
  • SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage
    SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage Posts: 2,668 Member
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    Are you close with the friend? If not, I don't see why you should feel obligated to attend the son's wedding.

    IMHO if it's a financial struggle for you to attend, then don't. You don't need to explain yourself unless the friend asks why you declined, in which case you can politely inform them that you crunched the numbers and financially couldn't make it work. That should be the end of it.

    I sometimes think the couple makes it difficult for wedding guests on purpose in order to whittle down the guest list without deliberately not inviting people. Which is just fine with me.
  • WeddedBliss1992
    WeddedBliss1992 Posts: 414 Member
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    OMG thank you so much for your replies! i know i probably shouldnt allow what other people think to influence me, but hearing that others feel the same way i do helps tremendously!

    i have also been thinking about attending the wedding alone. my husband won't have to rent a tux, and we also won't need a sitter. i can go to support my friend, then cut-out early. :smile:
  • salembambi
    salembambi Posts: 5,585 Member
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    simply dont go

    thats what id do
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    RSVP saying no, send a nice card.
  • krysmuree
    krysmuree Posts: 326 Member
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    I agree with BinkyBonk.
  • FitForL1fe
    FitForL1fe Posts: 1,872 Member
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    friend's wedding? *kitten* yea and wear whatever

    son of a friend's wedding? who cares, send a card
  • justcat206
    justcat206 Posts: 716 Member
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    I had several good friends bow out of attending my wedding for similar reasons (just out of college and broke) and I wasn't the least bit offended. Send a card with good wishes, and if you can afford a small gift maybe that, but honestly the bride and groom are SO busy that day that it's really difficult to keep track of who showed up after all. Frankly IMO, if you're going to have to spend a bunch of money to see someone, a wedding isn't the time - save the bucks for a nice double date when you'll actually get to interact.
  • MYhealthyjourney70
    MYhealthyjourney70 Posts: 276 Member
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    i agree with BinkyBonk... just send a nice card and leave it at that.. no reason to stress about not being able to afford to go..
  • fallenoaks4
    fallenoaks4 Posts: 63 Member
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    OMG thank you so much for your replies! i know i probably shouldnt allow what other people think to influence me, but hearing that others feel the same way i do helps tremendously!

    i have also been thinking about attending the wedding alone. my husband won't have to rent a tux, and we also won't need a sitter. i can go to support my friend, then cut-out early. :smile:

    She might be busy with mother of the groom duties and not have much time to spend with you. Just don't be disappointed if you put in that effort and are sitting by yourself all night.
  • WeddedBliss1992
    WeddedBliss1992 Posts: 414 Member
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    OMG thank you so much for your replies! i know i probably shouldnt allow what other people think to influence me, but hearing that others feel the same way i do helps tremendously!

    i have also been thinking about attending the wedding alone. my husband won't have to rent a tux, and we also won't need a sitter. i can go to support my friend, then cut-out early. :smile:

    She might be busy with mother of the groom duties and not have much time to spend with you. Just don't be disappointed if you put in that effort and are sitting by yourself all night.

    this is a very good point.

  • TheSunshineQueen
    TheSunshineQueen Posts: 276 Member
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    I'm in agreement with everyone here. If you can't afford it you can't afford it. No need to break the bank, so to speak, for an aquaintance at best? Just send a present, or heck, a nice card.
  • Bucky83
    Bucky83 Posts: 1,194 Member
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    At the end of the day, it's no one's business if you cannot afford to go to a wedding. If you feel like you need to give some sort of excuse (though you are in no need to have to do so), just say you have another commitment. Most people tend to just accept that, the nosy ones ask for more information. Just don't give more information.

    I would just RSVP a "No, thank you" and send a card and small gift in the mail.
  • pechepanda
    pechepanda Posts: 7,939 Member
    edited May 2015
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    a card and a gift in the mail would be okay, or even just a nice card
    but if you do really really want to go even though itll cost a bit, id go for a suit instead of a tux, theyre cheaper, and a $100 gift card to a store on their wedding registry, unless you can find a present within your budget, and ask one of your older kids or a neighbour's kid to babysit so its a bit cheaper, but Id go with the card and a polite no thank you.

    your friend will probably be busy, and unless you actually spend time with the kid, itll be fine if you dont go,
    I think my parents have only gone to maybe 2-3 of their friend's kids weddings out of 16 i think, and thats only cause their friend's kids asked me to have a role in their wedding cause they used to babysit me. And my parents own tons of formal wear, and getting a gift isnt a problem for them at all, they still dont bother going.
  • avalonms
    avalonms Posts: 2,468 Member
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    RSVP saying no, send a nice card.

    I vote this.
  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,578 Member
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    newmeadow wrote: »
    Seriously. The cost of accepting an invite to a fancy wedding.

    Gift usually a minimum of $100 if you're going to actually show up and eat the food and get buzzed at the open bar.
    Dress or tasteful pantsuit $100 to $200.
    Matching beaded clutch purse $100.
    Silk hosiery $50.
    Matching shoes $100.
    Optional accessories $100.
    These are the bare minimal costs in my opinion.

    I would RSVP a polite no and send a card and mail a gift such as a $30 toaster.

    I would only attend if it was an immediate family member or a best friend.

    If a fella wanted me to attend a fancy wedding with him as his date, I would expect him to pick up the costs listed above.

    Never would I ever spend $50 on any kind of hosiery, $100 on a purse and another $100 on accessories.

    When I got married in 1995 most bridal gowns alone were $1000 or more. I got my beautiful gown off the clearance rack in the bridal shop for $225. My veil was $75. Leggs stockings and some inexpensive shoes...my entire bridal outfit was less than $500.

    I could never justify the amount you laid out for my own wedding let alone a friend's kid's wedding. Sheesh!

  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    wizzybeth wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    Seriously. The cost of accepting an invite to a fancy wedding.

    Gift usually a minimum of $100 if you're going to actually show up and eat the food and get buzzed at the open bar.
    Dress or tasteful pantsuit $100 to $200.
    Matching beaded clutch purse $100.
    Silk hosiery $50.
    Matching shoes $100.
    Optional accessories $100.
    These are the bare minimal costs in my opinion.

    I would RSVP a polite no and send a card and mail a gift such as a $30 toaster.

    I would only attend if it was an immediate family member or a best friend.

    If a fella wanted me to attend a fancy wedding with him as his date, I would expect him to pick up the costs listed above.

    Never would I ever spend $50 on any kind of hosiery, $100 on a purse and another $100 on accessories.

    When I got married in 1995 most bridal gowns alone were $1000 or more. I got my beautiful gown off the clearance rack in the bridal shop for $225. My veil was $75. Leggs stockings and some inexpensive shoes...my entire bridal outfit was less than $500.

    I could never justify the amount you laid out for my own wedding let alone a friend's kid's wedding. Sheesh!

    I've been known to use a wedding as a excuse to splurge on an outfit and I still don't think I've spent that kind of money.
  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,578 Member
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    newmeadow wrote: »
    wizzybeth wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    Seriously. The cost of accepting an invite to a fancy wedding.

    Gift usually a minimum of $100 if you're going to actually show up and eat the food and get buzzed at the open bar.
    Dress or tasteful pantsuit $100 to $200.
    Matching beaded clutch purse $100.
    Silk hosiery $50.
    Matching shoes $100.
    Optional accessories $100.
    These are the bare minimal costs in my opinion.

    I would RSVP a polite no and send a card and mail a gift such as a $30 toaster.

    I would only attend if it was an immediate family member or a best friend.

    If a fella wanted me to attend a fancy wedding with him as his date, I would expect him to pick up the costs listed above.

    Never would I ever spend $50 on any kind of hosiery, $100 on a purse and another $100 on accessories.

    When I got married in 1995 most bridal gowns alone were $1000 or more. I got my beautiful gown off the clearance rack in the bridal shop for $225. My veil was $75. Leggs stockings and some inexpensive shoes...my entire bridal outfit was less than $500.

    I could never justify the amount you laid out for my own wedding let alone a friend's kid's wedding. Sheesh!

    She said this was a fancy black tie wedding. Probably at a high priced swanky venue that cost a lot of scratch to lay out. Personally I wouldn't want to attend a wedding at a function room at the Four Seasons in a shoulder padded, rayon-polyester mix, chartreuse pantsuit from Kohls with nylon knee highs and vinyl chunky heeled sandals that were on sale 2 for 1. And carrying a awkwardly misshapen mesh unlined bag with numerous coffee stains over my shoulder while a gyrate on the dance floor.

    I'm a cheapskate in casual situations but no no NO.

    Also, I would never accessorize with pink plastic glittered baubles from Claire's Fashion Jewelry from the local strip mall if I were going to such an event. I'd really go with Monet which is no big deal but at least one can scrape by with it every now and then.

    (I'm not saying you would stoop to this level Wizzybeth, I'm just painting a picture. But I've worked as a banquet server at these uber high priced black tie weddings and this happens. It really does.)

    As far as it being the son's wedding, well, yeah. Why bother? I'm sure he doesn't care if she's there. And the bride's parents are probably paying so...

    You make a lot of obnoxious assumptions about what people would buy.