Binge Eating Disorder (B.E.D.)

I'm so glad I found this thread - I've been a binger for about a year and a half now and (not so) steadily gained 2 stone (28lbs). It seems to come in blocks of seven pounds which for a while I lose and gain and then suddenly it wont budge and the weight is stuck (before going up another 7lbs!!). I normally find weekends the worst - Sundays especially. However last sunday I managed to stay around 2000 calories for the first time in ages!!! (BIG NSV). I completely sympathise with some of you about food being the only thing you think about, its horrid and very few people understand it.

My problem started when I was volunteering abroad for 3 months and at some point realised I wasn't getting full up from meals any more, then I got weighed for the first time in years and was 10 stone and decided I was "fat" and needed to diet. I successfully restricted for 2 months when I got home from abroad but then one day ate about 3500 calories AKA first binge and since then its become a regular occurrence (except 3500 is what I would often call a good Sunday, most are around 5000-6000..). Honestly I would kill to be 10 stone now.

I've now been binge free for 1 week, 5 days - the longest since last may.... To get this far I've had to stop trying to hard to lose weight however I will note I'm still suffering from the exercise "addiction" to try to balance off any "bad" foods.
I also joined slimming world - some people really hate slimming world but its helping me stick to a limit of treats whilst letting me eat unlimited fruit/ muller lights/ ham etc guilt free (so basically I eat a lot of melon and many apples!) I think the best bit of this is that I've managed to eat a treat every day (normally an options hot chocolate, an oreo sandwich icecream or a pink 'n' white) and then NOT BINGE because I don't feel guilty and I don't feel like I've "already ruined the day so might as well eat the entire house". So I suppose to sum it up paying a fiver a week to be *publicly* weighed is helping me as I don't want to fail myself or my consultant!!! Other thing is because I'm allowed unlimited amounts of a wide range of foods I find I don't want them as much, so for me the binge mentality definitely comes from the deprivation feeling. Im not calorie counting anymore, just putting in the calories before I go to bed to keep check, which hopefully I wont feel the need to do in a month or twos time...

So it's going okay for now however I haven't encountered any social situations or spent any time with my OH as he's not around at the moment so we will see how it goes next week

(PS Im not trying to promote slimming world - just saying the freedom to eat is helping me personally!! Good luck all )

@jessicalong1 I have been there. Avoiding people and holed up in my house. Only leaving to get more binge food but avoiding eye contact of anyone you come across in the process.

Honestly it's taken me years to just admit it. One of the things that helped me was writing through issues with a psychologist. I am still in the process of doing so.

She helped me to see some of the underlying reasons of my actions and healthy ways to deal with certain feelings.

Day 10 Binge free.. wonky moments the last few days but am learning over eating is NOT binging. I think I blur the line a bit. In fact I think I only learned that today at the end of my session with my therapist. lol She was getting ready to open the door and I said something and she said, 'you always think eating is binge'. Whhhaaaaa? Course it was the end of the session so guess I'll have to have this dissected on Tue. LOL

I had a light bulb moment. I think I'm finally learning that just because I have a bite of something that might be a trigger food (all depends on ..well many things)...that I'm binging. I guess... I don't know...just know something is about to be opened up to me about food issues not being all black or all white. I'm trying to live grey but it's not an easy thing when you've never done it before.

Anyone else understand what I mean by living/eating black or white instead of grey?

Have a super weekend my friends
Hearts

I will open up and tell my story, might be a little different but relatable. Short version: was obese for the first 20 years as an adult. Did not develop a noticeable ED until recently as a result of yo-yo dieting.

I was fit in high school but started packing on my weight after that—during college and after. My ex-wife and I both ate unhealthy, about the same amount of food as each other, and never binged. A lot of dinners were delivery or fast food. She had an amazing metabolism and gained very little wight during our relationship. I on the other hand got to an obese state. After her having multiple affairs I ended the marriage and soon after promoted my self to morbidly obese. I never saw myself as being as fat as I was and don't think I ever binged. My current wife (married since 1999) hand a similar past as mine as far as weight goes.

We both tried and quickly failed at many diets over the years—all the popular ones and some of the fad ones. The excitement, commitment, and motivation would only ever last a few days/weeks. We had the normal issues that come with being morbidly obese but then around 2008 I got extreme sleep apnea and type 2 diabetes—along with many of the ugly effects of it when uncontrolled. It was not until I had vision issues that we both had a true since of urgency in becoming healthy. Up to that point we almost always ate unhealthy food but would stop when no longer hungry. Looking back, I never that panicky feeling that the unhealthy food was going to be take away/not available once I was done eating that meal. It would always be there when I wanted more… I would have cravings back then but they never like now: they consume me, torment me, act worse than a migraine headache!

It was AFTER we started “trying” to be more committed with our diets is when we started to truly binge eat. Before each diet: “this is the last time I can have this stuff so I better pig out and have as much as possible—to get the urge to have this out of my system”. We would also make sure there was not unhealthy food left in the house. Then once we give up on the diet (a few days to weeks later) we would binge eat again because we felt so deprived of the junk food. And we would binge frequently because we would tell ourselves “this is the last binge, make the most of it because tomorrow it is over”. We would sat the same thing the next and so on for weeks at a time...

Once that happened enough times is when I think I developed an ED; I lost the ability to have/enjoy certain foods in moderation at all! I also noticed that I developed insane and uncontrollable cravings for certain foods—sometimes I could not focus on anything until those cravings were fulfilled.

In 2011 I met someone that lost a massive amount of weight doing P90X and mentored my wife and I, including showing us how to use MFP and setup custom macros/goals. He also made us do “Why Lists” listing why we want to get into shape. Those were and still motivate us. My long original one is here on my profile page, if you want to get an idea of one. We did two and half rounds of P90X and I went from 290 to 214. Wife did great too. We ate 100% clean, no junk food at all! We then went on cruse and binge ate. I got up to 260 again. This time cravings were harder to deal with and binging was worse.

9/1/2013 was another successful run for us, our best. My goal was to drop 4 pounds a week from the beginning. I cut my calories down to 1100 (I am a 5' 10” male, stupid, I know) and did a ton of cardio. For the first few months I was dropping weight every day. As the weight loss slowed down I bumped up the cardio workouts and skipped a lot of meals. I was tired, hungry, and my body felt beat up but I was motivated to stick at it because the weight loss progress. Wife as in the same boat. In May 2014 I got down to 165. I did not have a single cheat meal or have any of my trigger foods during that entire time! I had been skipping a lot of meals at the end to get there though. My cardio/running times were great but I could only do 3 pushups, I did not realize I had lost so much muscle mass until later.

I hit my 165lb goal, now what do I do? I slowly started bumping up the calories and at 1600 calories (and being active) I started gaining weight. I was so upset. I should have been able to eat 2600-2900 a day. I had killed my metabolism and lost so much lean mass when I was dieting. I also tried to eat some of my old trigger food thinking that now that I was at an ideal weight I was “fixed” and would not have an urge to binge. I was so so wrong! Since then several times I have very quickly packed on 20-50 pounds and worked to drop down again.

Up until last year I had been fat so long I did not know what it was like not to be fat. The feeling of being able to run and run fast for 5 miles was great, run up steps, fit into normal clothes, etc… My wife had lost over 100 pounds too but at that time she still had about 80 more to go before hitting what doctors would have considered the upper limit of healthy. However once I got out of the diet mode and tried to eat in moderation I found the urges to binge hit me harder than before.

I also noticed another issue. Before, when I was fat I don't think I ever saw myself as fat as I was. There we a lot of times I would get upset because of my weight but not constantly/10-20 times a day. Last month I was at 224, now 202. Even though I am at 202 I hate my body way more than I did when I was at 260! It disgusts me when I look in the mirror. I never had that feeling before. I guess because I got lean I notice more now how the extra weight looks and feels and it bothers be constantly now. I am now way more self-conscious.

Until very recently I tried to tackle everything from a very technical perspective. I studied a bunch of books on nutrition, cardio fitness, weight lifting, running form, freestyle swimming, and general fitness. I know what I need to do from a technical perspective. However, every day is a constant battle to make sure I eat at least the minimum calories I need. I know in the long-run it is not right but I so badly want to skip meals/eating so I get this extra weight off and wont feel disgusted in myself anymore.

It was not until very recently that I realized I have an ED I think created and amplified from the cycles of dieting. I never binge at until a few years ago even though I had been at some level of obesity for 20 years. I never obsessed about food or had insane cravings until recently too. I also never felt “disgusted” about my body before, embarrassed around other yes, but not continually disgusted like I do now.

@newport3158 recommended the book "Brain over Binge" and today I just finished it. I still have so much to learn about EDs but this was an amazing book and I can relate to so much in that book. I think the tools the book provides will be very helpful. I have index cards and am going to put the actionable things I need to remember/do on them.

Still have not binged since 4/15 but yesterday was my hardest day due to very bad cravings. This week has sucked, as it has progressed it has been hard to stay motivated, I have been upset that my weight has not dropped in last week and half. I am eating properly and exercising in proper moderation every day right now—and this is how I am reworded...grrrr! I want to cut back on the calories more but am going to ride this another week and if needed then tune the diet a little in a responsible way.

I am done rambling to today. Going to go clean the kitchen and empty the dish washer before my wife gets home; that always seems to make her happy...

@Hearts_2015 Is more towards like a talk show or reality show. when I think about it, I guess is because I am so used to watch it while eating that it becomes a habit. So I feel the need to eat if I wanna watch it. I am trying not to eat while watching them but sometimes it makes me nervous and anxious. And then it becomes worse. I feel the need to binge even without watching them.

believeinme0430 wrote: »

These threads are a huge help when you feel all alone and to know that there are others who are going through the same struggle everyday day that you are. That they understand you when your family doesn't get it. I tried to explain it to my husband but I think I have hidden it well from him. I binge when I am not around him or sneak off to eat something quick out of shame. He says but hun you don't eat that bad but if he only knew what I ate when he's not around but I try my best everyday and take it one day at a time.

This! I've tried to talk to my husband, too, but he doesn't see the real way I eat when he's not around and I can't bring myself to really explain it.
I manage to keep my weight within the same 10 pound range so to the outside world it's not obvious that I'm a basket case about food in my head.
Thank you everyone for sharing your struggles. It is amazing how I share so many of the same thoughts as you.

@getreadyworldhereicome! I hope you find encouragement here like I have. I haven't binged since joining a few weeks ago (a month to be exact). Each day feels good to have another day under the belt. I still have foods stashed various cupboards around the house though. I know I should get rid of them....

melodyis4reals wrote: »

I love sugar too. Sometimes it's all I think about. To stop the sugar cravings, buy a ton of fruit at first. Every time you want some thing sweet, eat a piece of fruit. You get natural sugar, but also fiber. Stop eating sugary cereals, drinking juice, soda, and limit your bread intake to two slices a day. Bread is just sugar in disguise. After a couple of weeks, limit yourself to three pieces of fruit a day. Once you get use to that, then you're good to go. In my experience, eliminating all desserts and candy and substituting with fruit is the way to go. As much has I like to think one cookie won't hurt, I feel like it does- I always want more then one. Sugar is an addiction, like heroin. I too am addicted to sugar.

its because every cell in the human body runs off glucose so its natural to want sugar since we need it ! thats why nearly every person on the planet likes sweet things i used to have BED for maybe 4 years and was weighing around 52-55 kilos (I'm short) but now I'm binge free - and eating a high carb vegan diet with unlimited calories and weigh less than ever ! i weight 46.9 the other day but I've been averaging on 47.5-48 since i started this lifestyle.
for some inspo check freelee youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSqSzeDRE8I

that smoothie is amazinggggg i have like 2 a day

thank you to everyone, after lunch on saturday i used to have huge binge since 3 week, here after having finished lunching I felt the monster of binging was coming to me, so I set here, reading your post and then it disapears, i didn't binge and I hope I'll didn't binge for the rest of the day.
again sorry I didn't speak English very well!!!

jessicaliong1 wrote: »

Today was a binge free day for me. Is my 5th day now. i hope I can maintain this tomorrow. But the urge is getting stronger and I am scared that I cant help it tomorrow.

I am wondering if you guyz always binge on the same food or just binge on anything? Coz I have realized that whenever I binge, I will always binge on the same food. Like same brand.

Congrats! And yeah, always the same food, same brands.

jessicaliong1 wrote: »

@fr3smyl yea~ and when I couldnt find the brand anywhere, I would get anxious and depressed and will just keep wandering around till I find anything similar but I wont get satisfied so I ended going somewhere else, even though it may be far to get it. It seems overboard but I cant help it:(

Me too!

Thank you for posting this truth about yourself. You are telling my story. I guess I hadn't realized that I had BE until I read through all the stories on this feed. I work retail and get off work very late only to find myself eating tons of junk food because "it's too late to cook" or "I'm starving" or "I didn't eat dinner". Whatever the excuse I binge eat at night and then feel horrible the next day. Sadly my husband tells me that he doesn't care what size I am as long as I'm happy....... but I'm not happy.... I'm just fat and I want to stop being this way.

I belong here too! I can't get rid of the final 25 pounds because I can't stop eating. I'm even in a food issues group.

@Scott_Baldwin I've been a binge eater since I was 10 years old so that's 18 years. Over the past 18 years I've had periods of normalcy but mostly struggled with being slightly overweight, yo yo dieting and binge eating. It didn't get really, really bad until 2 years ago. I heard about the book you mentioned and I read it in April... it has literally saved my life. I regularly use the technique the author mentioned- AVRT. It's literally the only thing that has gotten me to stop binge eating. I'm still struggling to lose the 28lbs I gained over the past 2 years but if it wasn't for that book id still be in a very dark place. I wish more people would consider reading it but they see a book and they're like oh just another useless book meanwhile this is the one book that could actually help them.

@sothgo AVRT is a voice recognition technique used by alcoholics, drug addicts, binge eaters etc. to stop their addictive behavior. I used to binge so hard that there were several times I thought I needed to get my stomach pumped. It was a serious problem. Literally since the DAY I began practicing AVRT, I've barely binged and when I do it's nothing like in the past. The book is Brain Over Binge do yourself a favor and download it now... I think it's 8.99 at Barnesandnoble.com for an instant download. That's what I did... as soon as I heard about it I downloaded it immediately. I was tempted to just skip the woman's personal story and skip straight to how she did it, but I'm SO happy I decided to start from the beginning because everything makes a lot more sense. Please read the book.