VERY OFF Topic--I'm depressed

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  • hrhwrightca
    hrhwrightca Posts: 45 Member
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    An affair is no different than a death... because you will never see that person again... your husband did the most hurtful thing to you!! Everyone deserves better than this - you will see this sometime soon also - there is a grieving process. If you have an EAP program through your work you should use it to help you get through this terrible stumble in your life...

    Everyday that passes will make you stronger - you and your children deserve to have the very best - dont allow yourself to lessen your expectations - you cannot MAKE someone have an affair - he is trying to lessen his guilt.

    Take good care of yourself and talking helps... hugs and love to you and your children
    Elizabeth
  • DeniseGdz
    DeniseGdz Posts: 592 Member
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    **hugs** from one who has been divorced.

    You don't see the light at teh end of the tunnel and it will be a long while before you actually do. Do not fear. Know that God is by your side and will not leave your side. God loves you and will continue to give you strength & peace through this all.

    I wish I could offer words of encouragement, but having been there, once a cheater always a cheater. but if it's in your heart to forgive him, I hope both of you find the courage to learn to love each other again and seek the help you both deserve.

    What I can offer you is a WONDERFUL support group that I found. it's called "Divorcecare" and it's not jsut for people going through it. I've seen men attend who no longer love their wife but want to work thigns out. I've seen all types of siutations- I've seen marriages attend jsut to make themselves stronger.

    I hope you find a group near you. I wish the best for you and for your family :heart:
  • runlorirun
    runlorirun Posts: 389
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    I am so sorry he has done this to you and your kids. You did NOTHING to deserve this.

    Ok I don't know you other than from this site but I just have to comment on this:

    'He rejected me'

    No sweetie he did not, he let go of probably the only good thing he had in is life, his mistake, not yours! You were working on being a better wife and mom and he lost sight of that. It's highly possible that in a few years he'll be doing the same thing to the girl he's with now.

    'I didn't pay enough attention to my husband's needs.'

    Did he pay attention to yours? I have been married for 21 years,(not an easy walk in the park either), it takes two, not one trying to please the other one all the time. Marriage is a constant compromise, not a give, give give, take. Since he mentioned not being happy for the last 6 years, I have a feeling he wasn't 100% committed any way. You also have two small kids, that takes a lot of work! For me there were times when our kids were younger, that the most romantic thing he did for me was to bath our two youngest and give me the little break from being mom that I needed. I don't think a lot of guys realize that being a mom to young ones can be exhausting! Add to that work, household thing and not enough hours in the day. There were some days that after having kids climbing all over me all day (not only my own kids, but I run a small home daycare), I didn't want to be touched by anyone for the rest of the day.

    ' Is that pathetic?'

    NO! I think it's 100% normal

    Hugs to you!
  • missfitp
    missfitp Posts: 33 Member
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    I'm very sorry you are going through this. I have never gone through this, but I have a friend who just did this to her husband and I couldn't understand how anyone would do this to a person they supposedly love. Therefore, the only conclusion I can come up with is that she does NOT love her husband because why would anyone want to hurt a love one in anyway. She doesn't show remorse for what she did and she was about to end her marriage for this other person. Sadly your situation seems to be the same scenario.
    I can't tell you how to get over it or be better because I assume only time will heal your hurting. All I can say is LOVE yourself and LOVE your children. Forgive him and pray for peace in your heart. You will come out of this a better person.
  • ajanmillie
    ajanmillie Posts: 241 Member
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    I am so sorry to hear that your husband has done that to you. You are better than him. Maybe seeking a mental health clinician would help you alot? This happened to me on a diff. level(no marriage) , and it was so devastating that I needed some anti-depressants for just a little while. Maybe this can help you too if the darkness is so bad that you cannot function.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    I'm so sorry.

    It will hurt and it won't be easy. But you will get through this. And just because he's not willing to go into counseling or therapy, that's no reason why you can't. You're going to need support and guidance right now, and it's not the kind of thing that most friends are qualified or able to give.

    You hurt so much because you're a GOOD PERSON. You can't imagine how he could betray you this way because you're a GOOD PERSON who would never think of doing such a thing. Don't blame yourself.
  • Noctuary
    Noctuary Posts: 255
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    I would be so heart broken if this were me. I can feel the pain you are going through. But think on this. When he was ****ing that woman. He not only cheated and lied to you. He cheated and lied to his own children. And he's still doing it. Remember that every time you get weak. Would YOU do this to your kids? Stay strong.
  • FitJoani
    FitJoani Posts: 2,173 Member
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    Cheating the WORST most DISPICIBLE PATHETIC thing a person can do. DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT blame yourself. It hurts badly(I have been through it 3 times) and it does scar but will go away. You dont deserve to be treated this way *hugs*:heart:
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
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    You are a good looking, sexy, awesome woman!! He doesnt deserve you!! :flowerforyou: I think he's starting to realise what he's lost. Dont forgive him so easily, let him work for it!! You're worth the best!! :flowerforyou:
  • bluemax87
    bluemax87 Posts: 71
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    I went through a similar situation a few years ago. I was 17, turning 18 and got a girl pregnant. Her parents threatened to take me to tribal court and take my parental rights if we didn't marry right away. Although I still feel that getting married so quickly was wrong, I also still agree with my decision at the time to do it based on the fact that I didn't know much about tribal law...

    6 months later, after Basic Training and Technical Training, she wanted a divorce. We came from two different families and two different lifestyles in which two young 18 and 17 year old people were unaccustomed to living and working through. She left for a couple months and I chased after her after she'd been gone those couple of months...

    The night she told me she wanted a divorce, I curled up in a ball and called my mother and cried my eyes out. I look back and I don't even know why I cried anymore, because I don't think that 6 months was enough time to get to that point in our relationship... but, either way, I cried for nearly an hour with my mom on the phone just listening and consoling me...

    After a couple months went by without her budging at all on the divorce subject, I took some leave and went back home to try and convince her in person to go to marriage counselling with me. That was when I found out about all the things she had been doing behind my back... Being 17, she still had a high-school graduation and prom that she wanted to go to. Even though she had finished high school a semester early because of our daughter, she still wanted to be a part of her class... at the after parties, she cheated on me with multiple guys. On one particular night, I later found out, she cheated with three different guys at three seperate times during the party...

    This tore me up inside. And I rode the buse back to my duty station without my wife...

    The divorce process took nearly a damned year because she kept fighting for sole custody. During this year, I went from regretting all the things I thought I did that pushed her away, to hating her for what she did to me, to completely loathing her very existence, to finally not caring about her or anything that concerned her (so long as it didn't affect our daughter). In that year, I fell deeper and deeper in my depression and became more and more troubled at the workcenter. It took a lot to get me out of my slump and back on the right track.

    But I did it!

    The divorce was finalized a month after I turned 20, and here I am 24 years old and looking back at all that thinking how young and immature I was. That's all I can chock it up to, is immaturity. I don't care what she does with her life anymore, as long as our daughter still knows that I'm daddy and that I'll always be there for her. I pay child support and she has primary custody because I didn't have a daddy that could pay for an attorney to fight for me like she did... but, I'm still there as much as I can be for our daughter...

    At the end of all this, I can give you no better advice than those before me have given. I can share my story with you and hope that you find something, anything, in it that shows you there IS light at the end of the tunnel and NO that light is NOT the train rushing toward you either! I hope I helped in some way...
  • cathys01
    cathys01 Posts: 221
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    I have walked in your shoes many years ago and thought I would never survive, I had 3 kids under 5 at the time but the experience, although I would not wish it on anyone, helped me to grow into a stronger, more self reliant woman. I met my 2nd husband about 5 years later and have been with him for almost 24 years now. It took me a while to realize my first husband was selfish and that my life was better without him. I wish you a world of love and I hope you have the support system in place that you need and if not, get some therapy, you might need it. Friend me if you like.
  • pinkgigi
    pinkgigi Posts: 693 Member
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    Sweetie, I know where you are coming from, I've been divorced and widowed, so know about loss and survival.

    For a while you will only exist in survival mode, but what has got me through many a difficult time is my son's motto:

    "There is peace behind and ahead of us".

    *hugs* and be sure to look after yourself.

    GG
  • Tiggerrick
    Tiggerrick Posts: 1,078 Member
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    First of all, he is blaming you: "you didn't provide enough sex" etc. Truth is, he just does not want to take responsibility for his actions. HIS CHEATING IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You may be at fault in other ways (no one is faultless), but his actions are NOT your fault. I enabled my ex for years at her vice while still trying to stop it. I just didn't realize I was doing it till it was too late.

    Second: Most psychologists will tell you that cheating is a symptom of someone who looses control, and cheating is something they can control. Sounds weird, but people do this with other things like food and over/under eating, drugs, alcohol, etc.

    Third: You have to focus on YOU first. YOU need counseling, with a person, face to face. You need to work on yourself. Much like they tell you on a plane....put your oxygen mask on first...then help others. That's because you won't be any good to anyone if you don't get air. Even if he doesn't want counseling, that doesn't matter. You need it.

    Fourth: Think of what advice you would give either of your children if THEY were in a simmilar situation and follow that advice.

    I have a friend who found out her boyfriend of 10 years had been cheating with 4 different women. This happened even though he got plenty of sex according to her. Regardless, he confessed about the 4 women. She later found out there was a 5th that he was still seeing. Even then, she stayed with him. The latest, she found him and her in their house, together, in the middle of having sex, and she still thinks that she might take him back ....if.....My limit would have been surpassed long before.

    IF you feel like giving him a chance, do it ONLY AFTER YOU WORK ON YOURSELF FIRST. You and your children deserve better.
  • Mommy2CCCC
    Mommy2CCCC Posts: 70 Member
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    Very good advise.
  • ruby70
    ruby70 Posts: 459 Member
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    Rubie, This is not your fault. He needs to take accountabilty for his own actions. It does not matter what you did or did not do; there is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. If he was not happy he should of let you know that before moving on with things when you had no idea. I know this is not the path you choose but you can do it. Right now you need to try to be strong and believe in yourself. You sound like a wonderful person and you deserve to have someone in your life that will treat you like a queen and that you can trust. I have been cheated on many times so I know what you are going through. The one thing I wish I would of realized was I was in denial thinking I could change them and they would someday give me the respect I was looking for. I wasted alot of years and cried alot of tears.I am not married and my husband is a great guy who adores me. I still have a hard time letting my guard down100% because I am so afraid of getting hurt again. I feel sorry for my husband because of my past relations he has to pay for their mistakes. Hang in there and do not beat yourself up over this. You have choices too!!!!!

    Ruby
  • Rubie81
    Rubie81 Posts: 720 Member
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    Thanks everyone for your shared experience, advice, comfort and kind words. As soon as I wrote all that down I felt better. I am working on finding a counselor. Spoke to one in Manhattan and he charges about 180 per session. Not sure if I can afford that. He offered me a sliding scale though he didn't explain what that entailed. Fortunately I have a great support system. The bad part is that my 1 year-old is a tough bub and I have a hard time finding a sitter for him. I mentioned the therapy to my mom and asked if she would watch him for about 3 hours that one night a week and she right away said no :(. I don't think she realizes how much I need this.
    As for antidepressants my Dr. would not prescribe me any, not even sleeping meds, He said that this was something I needed to work out in my head.
    I don't really sleep. I take Tylenol PM and sometimes follow that with Benadryl and sometimes I am still wide awake seeing my husband and this lady tramp have sex. I have my husband on that Sprint Family Tracker and I follow his every move day and night. A little psychotic, I know. I've called her as well. She doesn't even have the nerve to speak to me. I want to ask her why she would do something like that. Does she have no self-worth?
    I hope that one day my husband comes begging me to take him back and that I just stare at him apathetically and tell him it's too late.
    I hurt for him as well because I know that if he felt unhappy with me he is not going to feel any happier with her. I put up with a lot of crap from him. If I didn't hear how stupid or what an idiot I was at least once a day that was a big deal. Nothing I did I ever got credit for. He always called me a bad mom. Why? I have no idea. I did (do) everything for the kids. I feed them, bathe them, play with them, discipline them, take them to and from the sitter, take them to church. His involvement with them was for about 20 minutes per day. You know what his complaint was? Besides the sex, that is. He complained that he would call me during the day and I wouldn't want to speak to him. True. Because I had a one year-old running wild and he wanted 100% of my attention while on the phone. At night when the kids were in bed he'd call and I'd ask him to call me later because I was watching a show. I didn't know that bothered him so much. I felt like that was my free time to relax. He said he felt lonely. And I'm sorry that he felt so lonely but it was his choosing to be away from his family for so many hours, getting home past midnight because of his business and then sleeping in until 12 or even 1. And that was the time, in the middle of the day, with the kids up, that he wanted to get his game on. Give.Me.A.Break.
  • NancyAnne1960
    NancyAnne1960 Posts: 500 Member
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    I'm sorry you are going through something like this. It's difficult having to accept people for who they are, and not dwell on why they do what they do. It is NOT your fault, and don't let anyone tell you it is. Also, there is nothing you can do to change they way he is. It takes each individual different ways and times to get through this type of thing. All I can say is I was in an on / off relationship for many years, and it took about the 4th off when I realized, that the first time we broke up it was never going to work. But, we wasted 15 years of our lives, and I'm now thinking why did we try for so long. We split with no hard feelings, we tried and it just didn't work. We really wasted a lot of time and energy trying to keep a relationship together that was never going to last. I'm now happy! Give yourself time for hurting and healing. It is true, time heals all wounds. Put all of your time and efforts into those two little kids! It's all about them now. I wish you the very best.
  • Tiggerrick
    Tiggerrick Posts: 1,078 Member
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    Rubie, This is not your fault. He needs to take accountabilty for his own actions. It does not matter what you did or did not do; there is no excuse for cheating on your spouse. If he was not happy he should of let you know that before moving on with things when you had no idea.
    Well said; no excuse :noway:
  • ALW65
    ALW65 Posts: 643 Member
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    Rubie, I'm glad posting on here helped you to feel better. People had a lot of good insight to offer, and I just want to add one two more thoughts.

    1) If you're working somewhere, see if there's an Employee Assistance Program - often you can get several sessions of free counselling that way. I do recommend you find someone to talk with as it will help you process everything and gain some perspective. I'm not sure where you live, but I would think you can find more affordable counselling. Look into neighborhood family clinics as some have licensed counselors or social workers who can help you out. Call the United Way for a referral if you need more help locating affordable services.

    2) Please see an attorney ASAP. Some law schools offer free services if you can't afford the assistance. Also, move all the money out of any joint bank accounts into a new personal account first thing in the morning. I know it sounds cold, but he has made this decision, and you need to think of your children first and foremost. He says he'll help financially, but he also said he'd be faithful to you. Words are just words until they're actions (by court order, in this case). Make sure any bills you have are getting paid, as you'll be responsible for any debt he racks up. This is another area where a lawyer can help you protect yourself financially. I'm not any kind of law expert, but I had a friend who didn't do the above things and had terrible consequences - house foreclosed, thousands of dollars of credit card bills, etc.

    Keep on reaching out for help and look for peace within yourself. Mentally bashing yourself or him won't help you find peace. Get help to work through what your feeling so you can grow, become stronger, and be an even better mom than you already are!
  • shannont70
    shannont70 Posts: 7 Member
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    Sorry to hear that, but you can not contrl what he does/says/doesnt do.....all you can do is control you an work on you, he chose the stupidity and i am sure somewhere down the line he will realized he was stupid, but you can not hold on too someone who does not want to be the man you need. Get some counciling ((((dont think that hurts anyone)))) an be true to you an your kids. You deserve better in life and you will find your happieness again...just takes time.

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