Sabotage? Hubby vent...
swebb1103
Posts: 200 Member
I was talking about how happy I have been with my overall toning (no weight loss for awhile, but definitely getting smaller - clothes fitting better, can see definition in my stomach and shoulders....), and my husband told me that he didn't want me to change - he married me looking one way and he doesn't want me to be different!
He's always been supportive when I have been heavy - but now that I am leaner and more toned than I have been since high school, he doesn't like it??
My weight loss goals are not extreme, in fact I'll still be about 10 pounds overweight when I reach them but I will be healthy and strong. I won't lose my curves or become overly muscular - two things he has been worried about.
It's discouraging, is all. I thought he would appreciate my new body and the fact that I am fitter and healthier, when apparently he prefers me the way I was.... :frown:
He's always been supportive when I have been heavy - but now that I am leaner and more toned than I have been since high school, he doesn't like it??
My weight loss goals are not extreme, in fact I'll still be about 10 pounds overweight when I reach them but I will be healthy and strong. I won't lose my curves or become overly muscular - two things he has been worried about.
It's discouraging, is all. I thought he would appreciate my new body and the fact that I am fitter and healthier, when apparently he prefers me the way I was.... :frown:
0
Replies
-
Sorry how fusterating.
Change is hard for everyone really.
MAybe take sometime and ask what worries him, what his concerns are. There is a root to these worries.0 -
I have always been overweight and am now heavier than when i met my oh. My goal weight is less that when we met. He's happy i'm losing now but he has said he doesn't want me any smaller than when we met. It's a hard one. They loved us at one size and we are trying to be different than when they met us.
I had a friend who lost half her body weight and her hubby always joked that she was half the woman he married. He said not only did she change physically but her whole personality changed, he sometimes thought she wasn't as outgoing as when they met he wasn't sure if it was the weight or the kids but i think they worry about that.
I don't believe it's all about them feeling insecure when the woman gets smaller i think it's sometimes they worry that we will lose more than just dress sizes.0 -
Mmmm, this is tough.
Yes you would hope that your husband would be supportive and happy that he has a wife who'll be happier, healthier and live longer but it sounds like he's feeling insecure and threatened by your weight loss instead. Maybe he feels that with added confidence you won't be satisfied with him any more? Reassure him that this isn't the case and tell him how much it means to you to be healthier and how much you need his support.
Well done on your success and good luck!0 -
Exercising and dieting with a goal in mind is not something that someone does in order to please others. It's something that we do to feel better about ourselves as well as choosing to live a longer, healthier life. Reassure him that you'll still be the same person he married and that a physical change shouldn't tarnish the image he's had of you all this time. Besides, physicality isn't what brought the two of you together, is it?
0 -
Maybe he's nervous you'll be so fabulous you'll leave him! .... sounds silly to you, I'm sure, cause I bet its never even crossed your mind - but maybe he just needs some reassurance .... once he's had that reassurance give him a kick up the backside and tell him to support his fabulous wife!0
-
I think my hubby is the same way. When I had lost weight before he was acting differently. I am losing again and I am waiting for his attitude to change...hasnt happened yet. Unfortuntaly he can eat anything and everything and not gain a pound, so he tends to eat junk food in front of me and that makes it harder on me. He doesnt intentionally do this...but he can avoid it at the same time. I understand what your going through and he will just have to get used to it. I think subconsciously he is afraid.0
-
Mine is the same way we married right out of High School 30+ yrs ago and he thinks that I will leave him for someone when I reach my goal. He has gone so far as to buy me icecream and Doritos knowing that I cant stop eating them till they are gone! Its fear talk to him.and stick to doing what is best for your health.0
-
I agree there is a root to his worries. At one point in time I lost 100 plus pounds. My ex husband used to get a bit upset because he felt like he was in competition all over again because I would get hit on so often and he didnt like it. He also couldnt keep up with me because I was non stop GO GO GO ..Sometimes it is there own self conciousness that makes them leary of your success. So talk to him find out where hes coming from, it may not be that hes unsuportive of you but just insecure in how the new you is going to affect his comfort zone in some areas..0
-
Most vows say sickness and health0
-
Maybe he's nervous you'll be so fabulous you'll leave him! .... sounds silly to you, I'm sure, cause I bet its never even crossed your mind - but maybe he just needs some reassurance .... once he's had that reassurance give him a kick up the backside and tell him to support his fabulous wife!
I had that situation with my ex but he was actually cheating which is why he was like that. WHICH I AM SURE THAT'S NOT THE CASE HERE.....;0 maybe he thinks he is being sweet by reassuring you that he likes you just the way you are... I know with my husband he is supportive of my weight loss but never fails to tell me how sexy i am to him.0 -
Speaking from the male point of view...it's possible that, like others mentioned, he worried you might be getting "out of his league" OR it could also be that if he isn't in great shape he is feeling down about the fact that you are getting smaller and he is not. Maybe try to get him involved in MFP also so it's something you can do together and share your experience. My fiance, who doesn't need to lose any weight, started this at the same time as me and it was a big help to get me motivated. I'm down 9 lbs in 5 weeks. Good luck!0
-
I tried to lose weight for years, my husband now ex at the time was not supportive and was down right mean about it, taunting me that I would fail, the day he knew I started any diet and for the next few weeks if I stuck it out, he would bring home brownies, bake them, tollhouse cookies, bake those, bring home pizza, wings, leave candy bars on my laptop, have chips and junk more so than ever before I began and was miserable at the idea of me losing weight. We are not married any more, lol so hope yours doesnt end up at that extreme.
I cant explain it, other than insecurity or control. I was thin when I married him a size 3, 100 lbs and then gained rapidly after that. He always said he hated fat women and was disgusted by them to the point of physically grabbing me by the neck and shoving his fingers in my mouth one time to pull a cookie I had just starting to eat out of my mouth and stating "there dont ever claim I didnt help you to lose weight" talk about an A-hole, then would proceed to be sadistic in his assault on my diets every time I would really try to be good it was like living with an enemy.
I wish you all the best and pray you never have to go through what I did, my ex H would claim he wanted me healthy and thin but really he didnt because he knew I would leave him and see him for the jerk he was. Left him but sadly havent lost the weight yet, I am working on that!
Also he did all this even when I begged him to please stop, because I was an uncontrolled diabetic and was literally fighting for my life, asked him if he wanted the mother of his child dead, to which I never got a response. Good Luck to you!0 -
Maybe your spouses think if you are changing on the outside you might be changing on the inside. It could be he's afraid you will get healthy and leave him so he is sabotaging you to keep you. Let him know you are doing this to get healthy and try to get him to join you.0
-
This is a hard one. I lost about 75 lbs over 5 years ago and my husband was not happy about it and the same thing, he had a hard time adjusting. Eventually I realized he just needed reassurance that I was not changing on the inside just the outside and once he knew that for sure he calmed down. I since gained back 20 of those lbs and that is why I am here and I also never did make it to the final 20 lbs to goal and I would like to do it this time and I have told him this and he knows it this time. It is hard when our significant others are hampering our progress but we must, must continue to do what is best for us, for our health and what we know is best for us. And my husband knows in the end my losing the weight was the best thing for me to do and he is now so proud of me, after all the nonsense.0
-
have you read the book
Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus ?
Us guys do have this habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time and most of the time we dont even know we dont something wrong.
I suggest you face this.
you talk about it, and how it made you feel. Do this sooner and not later as it will bug you and you will keep on thinking about it and start negative thoughts. we need to avoid that.
so talk to him about it and get it out in the open.0 -
have you read the book
Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus ?
Us guys do have this habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time and most of the time we dont even know we dont something wrong.
I suggest you face this.
you talk about it, and how it made you feel. Do this sooner and not later as it will bug you and you will keep on thinking about it and start negative thoughts. we need to avoid that.
so talk to him about it and get it out in the open.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS
and the SOONER the better!!! and dont cry, dont get mad, dont sound defensive or anything else - stay as neutral and as true to yourself as possible. when we get upset, THEY get upset. maybe he didnt realize what a a-hole he was/is being...cause men, most, truly dont even realize it - and this goes for women too, but im just saying. *hugs* youre doing fantastic!! keep up the hard work and face this problem head on. he loves you. i think he's insecure. get it out in the open and fast! youve got a lot of years to show him how awesome you are! 0 -
have you read the book
Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus ?
Us guys do have this habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time and most of the time we dont even know we dont something wrong.
I suggest you face this.
you talk about it, and how it made you feel. Do this sooner and not later as it will bug you and you will keep on thinking about it and start negative thoughts. we need to avoid that.
so talk to him about it and get it out in the open.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS
and the SOONER the better!!! and dont cry, dont get mad, dont sound defensive or anything else - stay as neutral and as true to yourself as possible. when we get upset, THEY get upset. maybe he didnt realize what a a-hole he was/is being...cause men, most, truly dont even realize it - and this goes for women too, but im just saying. *hugs* youre doing fantastic!! keep up the hard work and face this problem head on. he loves you. i think he's insecure. get it out in the open and fast! youve got a lot of years to show him how awesome you are!
we are but simple men....... I bet he really does not even know what he has done.0 -
I tend to agree with Lee on this one......men won't talk about what's really behind the behavior or the words because they do think it's just that simple. They are just as insecure as we are though and if we start to change things on them it triggers new emotions most don't care to deal with
Talk to him; don't argue, blame, accuse and LISTEN.
Good luck!0 -
I looked at your profile, and your goals are extremely reasonable, unless you are taller than average. It is certainly reasonable to work on the relationship issues, but the crucial thing is, you are doing the right thing for you. Your husband's insistence that you fail to improve your health in order to keep his approval is not worthy of consideration. Have the confidence to do what' you know to be right, serenely.0
-
Could just be insecurity. My husband keeps telling me I'm gonna lose the weight- be skinny and sexy-and leave him for a "hotter" guy. Just assure him you will still be the same person you always was!!0
-
My ex was so negative and didn't like me for who I was.. always pushing to diet. Always so proud of me for losing any weight.. saying if I just would become a runner (which I really do hate) or if I would.. or if would.. I always felt horrible about myself even though I had lost and was pretty damn fit and healthy. As it turns out "he just wasn't that into me"... LOL
But my boyfriend actually digs me "as is" .. he digs my curves.. its an awesome cuddle. I have never had that experience - to actually want to lose weight for just me. That being said, he doesn't want me to lose all the curve.. its his honest taste. I'm understanding that his taste leans more toward soft and curvy... and hope .. really Hope.. TRULY HOPE that he still digs me when I get to where I want to go (my goal isn't thin by the way).
But this is for me.. for me to feel good in my own skin.. for me to stand in front of a mirror and not wince.. for me to put on clothes and feel good about how I look.
You need to do what is right and what feels good to YOU!0 -
Thanks all.... I will talk to him, tonight when it's just him and I, and see what is really on his mind. I AM kind of changing on the inside - all my life I have been a mouse, very quiet, no confidence, the one hiding in the corner. Since I feel so much better about myself I have become more outgoing, more confident, and less quiet. I'm not going crazy or anything like that, but if someone smiles at me or says hi, instead of ducking my head, I smile and say hi back. I initiate conversations with people now. I'm not as shy as I was. But I love my husband and will reassure him, if he needs it, that I am not planning on going anywhere without him!0
-
Maybe he's nervous you'll be so fabulous you'll leave him! .... sounds silly to you, I'm sure, cause I bet its never even crossed your mind - but maybe he just needs some reassurance .... once he's had that reassurance give him a kick up the backside and tell him to support his fabulous wife!
Yes, this is exactly what I was thinking. If he really loves you and has been happy with your life, he's probably just worried that more than just your waistline will change.0 -
Folks make a lot of valid points here. There are very likely roots to his comments....possibly insecurity or a bit of jealousy even. However, as MFP helps us all learn, there is much more to losing weight and becoming healthier than just eating less and your body getting smaller. There are both physiological and psychological changes that have to take place for us to succeed...both of which have a direct impact on your personality and frame of mind. Maybe it's not your weight loss that intimidates him...maybe it's who he perceives you becoming as part of this transformation that has him insecure or worried.
Talk to him and let him know that you still love him and that ultimately, this will help your whole family! Communication of your feelings is key!0 -
I bet he feels threatened and worried that once you are thin you will lose him to find a "better" spouse. My husband used to sabotage me, too, by cooking things with lots of butter (without telling me) and refusing to follow the recipes that he would ask me to find. I finally told him that I would just start cooking my own food if he was going to cook that way (he's disabled and home all day and loves to cook). So he finally stopped trying to undermine my weight loss.0
-
He's got the issues not you. He sounds insecure. I love it when men stare at my wife and am proud of her for working out.0
-
Maybe he's nervous you'll be so fabulous you'll leave him! .... sounds silly to you, I'm sure, cause I bet its never even crossed your mind - but maybe he just needs some reassurance .... once he's had that reassurance give him a kick up the backside and tell him to support his fabulous wife!
I agree to this. It sounds to me like he's nervous that you're going to be so hot, other men are going to be all over you and you might consider leaving him for them.0 -
My husband does it the sneaky way!! example: I'm hungry, let's get a pizza or I'll run up to McDonald's, knowing that I am trying to not eat that crap!!
I don't know why he does that but we just need to stay strong!!!!0 -
I love it when men stare at my wife and am proud of her for working out.
Now I LOVE that comment!!
That is how my husband is now, and I've still got a lot of weight to lose. He's proud of me no matter what.
Although I know when we've spoken about me getting to goal etc, I think he is a little insecure. He now thinks he's married above what he deserves, which I totally disagree with. He's made me the better person I am. But I tell him every day how much I love him him and in return, he's not once try to sabotage me, only helping me.0 -
Hello, I saw your post about the lack of husband support. I have been there big time. I have been married longer than you, so please let me tell you something. You have to do this for yourself. Your husband probably has his own insercurities, but in the end he will respect you for them or lose respect for himself not being happy for you at a time on need. Keep going forward!
-Clara0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 427 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions