Sabotage? Hubby vent...

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  • HeyLisa
    HeyLisa Posts: 201
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    My ex was so negative and didn't like me for who I was.. always pushing to diet. Always so proud of me for losing any weight.. saying if I just would become a runner (which I really do hate) or if I would.. or if would.. I always felt horrible about myself even though I had lost and was pretty damn fit and healthy. As it turns out "he just wasn't that into me"... LOL

    But my boyfriend actually digs me "as is" .. he digs my curves.. its an awesome cuddle. I have never had that experience - to actually want to lose weight for just me. That being said, he doesn't want me to lose all the curve.. its his honest taste. I'm understanding that his taste leans more toward soft and curvy... and hope .. really Hope.. TRULY HOPE that he still digs me when I get to where I want to go (my goal isn't thin by the way).

    But this is for me.. for me to feel good in my own skin.. for me to stand in front of a mirror and not wince.. for me to put on clothes and feel good about how I look.

    You need to do what is right and what feels good to YOU!
  • swebb1103
    swebb1103 Posts: 200 Member
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    Thanks all.... I will talk to him, tonight when it's just him and I, and see what is really on his mind. I AM kind of changing on the inside - all my life I have been a mouse, very quiet, no confidence, the one hiding in the corner. Since I feel so much better about myself I have become more outgoing, more confident, and less quiet. I'm not going crazy or anything like that, but if someone smiles at me or says hi, instead of ducking my head, I smile and say hi back. I initiate conversations with people now. I'm not as shy as I was. But I love my husband and will reassure him, if he needs it, that I am not planning on going anywhere without him!
  • bcattoes
    bcattoes Posts: 17,299 Member
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    Maybe he's nervous you'll be so fabulous you'll leave him! .... sounds silly to you, I'm sure, cause I bet its never even crossed your mind - but maybe he just needs some reassurance .... once he's had that reassurance give him a kick up the backside and tell him to support his fabulous wife!

    Yes, this is exactly what I was thinking. If he really loves you and has been happy with your life, he's probably just worried that more than just your waistline will change.
  • mattbryan
    mattbryan Posts: 147
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    Folks make a lot of valid points here. There are very likely roots to his comments....possibly insecurity or a bit of jealousy even. However, as MFP helps us all learn, there is much more to losing weight and becoming healthier than just eating less and your body getting smaller. There are both physiological and psychological changes that have to take place for us to succeed...both of which have a direct impact on your personality and frame of mind. Maybe it's not your weight loss that intimidates him...maybe it's who he perceives you becoming as part of this transformation that has him insecure or worried.

    Talk to him and let him know that you still love him and that ultimately, this will help your whole family! Communication of your feelings is key!
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
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    I bet he feels threatened and worried that once you are thin you will lose him to find a "better" spouse. My husband used to sabotage me, too, by cooking things with lots of butter (without telling me) and refusing to follow the recipes that he would ask me to find. I finally told him that I would just start cooking my own food if he was going to cook that way (he's disabled and home all day and loves to cook). So he finally stopped trying to undermine my weight loss.
  • poedunk65
    poedunk65 Posts: 1,336 Member
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    He's got the issues not you. He sounds insecure. I love it when men stare at my wife and am proud of her for working out.
  • CraftyGirl4
    CraftyGirl4 Posts: 571 Member
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    Maybe he's nervous you'll be so fabulous you'll leave him! .... sounds silly to you, I'm sure, cause I bet its never even crossed your mind - but maybe he just needs some reassurance .... once he's had that reassurance give him a kick up the backside and tell him to support his fabulous wife!

    I agree to this. It sounds to me like he's nervous that you're going to be so hot, other men are going to be all over you and you might consider leaving him for them.
  • ddalhoff
    ddalhoff Posts: 48
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    My husband does it the sneaky way!! example: I'm hungry, let's get a pizza or I'll run up to McDonald's, knowing that I am trying to not eat that crap!!
    I don't know why he does that but we just need to stay strong!!!!
  • MsMe79
    MsMe79 Posts: 54
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    I love it when men stare at my wife and am proud of her for working out.

    Now I LOVE that comment!!

    That is how my husband is now, and I've still got a lot of weight to lose. He's proud of me no matter what.

    Although I know when we've spoken about me getting to goal etc, I think he is a little insecure. He now thinks he's married above what he deserves, which I totally disagree with. He's made me the better person I am. But I tell him every day how much I love him him and in return, he's not once try to sabotage me, only helping me.
  • clarajean123
    clarajean123 Posts: 22 Member
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    Hello, I saw your post about the lack of husband support. I have been there big time. I have been married longer than you, so please let me tell you something. You have to do this for yourself. Your husband probably has his own insercurities, but in the end he will respect you for them or lose respect for himself not being happy for you at a time on need. Keep going forward!
    -Clara
  • BeyondApril
    BeyondApril Posts: 133 Member
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    I started a post on this once as well. My husband does NOT want me losing anymore weight! I am 1 pound away from my goal weight. Others have said he feels threatened, jealous, etc. Also, it would not kill him to lose 40 pounds, but he said , "If I even lost more than 10 pounds I would probably die of anorexia" so he def does not 'get it'.

    I think really he just likes his women more curvy. I try to emphasize how much healthier it is for me, but he prefers what he prefers.

    I even bought new lingerie, something I have not done in a while, and planned a romantic evening when I would model it for him.

    His response was "You look scrawny."

    At 5'2" and 129, I am certainly not scrawny. I am strong and healthy. I feel sad he does not see it this way, but I will not go back to eating crap and then feeling like crap because he prefers a different visual when he looks at me. He can deal. I know he loves me no matter what, and hopefully my positive attitude will rub off on him a little.

    Good luck!
  • JenCM
    JenCM Posts: 195
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    I can understand this completely.

    Hubby is def a guy who likes bigger girls. He's mentioned to me that he would rather I not get under a size 14/16, because he feels like I'll be too skinny. However, I ignore this to a degree. Not because I don't love him, but because I've been heavy forever and I don't want to continue like this! It's my body and in the end, he's going to love me for who and what I am or not. I have to do this to take care of Myself.
    I think also, honestly, he doesn't want to lose his "food buddy" and be the heavy guy with the thinner wife because it'll put more attention on him in that...because he's about 60 lbs overweight himself and I know it's been weird for him to not have me eating all the yummy stuff with him. To him, that's some sort of bond we share. He does support me in doing this, but I can tell he has his problems and they're HIS, not mine. *shrug*
  • Jdismybug1
    Jdismybug1 Posts: 443 Member
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    Mine is kind of up and down sometimes. He pretty much says I can lose whatever I want he just doesn't want me to be too skinny. Then well be watching TV and he'll see someone and say their hot and tiny. Then later he will tell me he never wants me to be that thin... it makes no sense.
    I'm not trying to model myself after celebrities, I'm just trying to get to a weight where I am comfortable.
  • Jdismybug1
    Jdismybug1 Posts: 443 Member
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    I bet he feels threatened and worried that once you are thin you will lose him to find a "better" spouse. My husband used to sabotage me, too, by cooking things with lots of butter (without telling me) and refusing to follow the recipes that he would ask me to find. I finally told him that I would just start cooking my own food if he was going to cook that way (he's disabled and home all day and loves to cook). So he finally stopped trying to undermine my weight loss.

    Mine hasn't tried to sabotage me that I know of, but I wish he would cook more often, maybe we should get them together. :tongue:
  • mom23nuts
    mom23nuts Posts: 636 Member
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    he is nervous about the outside you changing the inside you and then him not measuring up or not being good enough for the new you.

    just tell him you married him through thick and thin and now this is thin and yo love him and need him and want him just the same as the past.
  • jonikeffer
    jonikeffer Posts: 218 Member
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    Like many others have said, he's probably afraid you'll leave him, or feels that he will no longer be adequate and you'll want him to improve his appearance too. The thing that doesn't help is that so many sources have reported that when you see your spouse trying to lose weight and/or changing their appearance, it's a sign they are getting ready to ditch their partner. So he definitely needs very clear/explicit reassurances from you that you are doing this to get healthy and for yourself, and are not getting ready to leave him.

    You know guys don't get hints either (sorry guys) so you'll have to just sit him down and say outright, "I see you trying to sabotage me and I want to make sure you know that I'm trying to get healthy and am not getting ready to leave you!" :wink:
  • AngieM76
    AngieM76 Posts: 622 Member
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    Could just be insecurity. My husband keeps telling me I'm gonna lose the weight- be skinny and sexy-and leave him for a "hotter" guy. Just assure him you will still be the same person you always was!!


    This is what my fiance says. All I can do is reassure him that I am losing weight to help my mom and to be healthier so that I am around to be with HIM for many more years to come.

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