Steam room dilemma

Tortitudekitty
Tortitudekitty Posts: 67 Member
edited November 20 in Fitness and Exercise
Hello people!

I have a bit of a problem.
After I have worked out I enjoy a stint in the steam room with a couple of cold showers to relax and for general wellbeing.
My gym and steam/sauna is run by our local council and it's very nice with great equipment.

However my chill-outs (wrong expression for a steam room, lol!) have recently been ruined by a guy who comes in and stares you out and then starts asking creepy questions or making personal comments.
Take the other day, I was in there with another lady and we were quietly chatting and he comes in with just a towel wrapped round his waist. He never has a pre-shower so he's a bit pongy too. We both looked at each other as the rules are that bathing suits must be worn...we are in England and that is the way it goes, it ain't 'let's get nekkid' like in some other countries!
So he sits there just staring with his hands a little too close to his genitals for comfort.
The lady went out to have a cool shower and he pitches in with, "You look fit" and "I like your tattoos", I just go uh-hu and ignore him.
I get up to leave and whilst I'm drying my hair in the change area the lady comes up to me and says what a weirdo he is and that he said to her, "I like your friend", and asked her if she was married and did she have children. We are both in our 50's ffs.....*shudder*. He's probably in his 30's and portly.

Yesterday he pitched into the steam room and waited till others had left and moved to sit opposite me and started up with the "Where do you live in (name of town)?".
I'm afraid I just snapped at him and said that I had enough of his intrusive questions and walked out, he mumbled a "sorry" but I was well annoyed, my self-pampering session ruined.


Now......you may be thinking, so what but the problem is that he definitely has "issues", maybe some sort of autism. If he was "normal" I would have no hesitation in reporting him to the management and/or roundly telling him to f*** off/ let the husband deal with him as I think you will agree that creeping, whether it's in the gym, swimming pool or sauna/steam area is bang out of order.
I'm surprised I actually told him that I disapproved of his behaviour as I'm quite an anxious person and I'm worried that if I report I'll be told off that he's only trying to be friendly and hasn't any social skills and not be so uptight. I'm sorry but it is not right that he should be excused of his behaviour because of his condition, his carers or parents/family should instill in him what is acceptable behaviour around females, especially when one feels a little vulnerable in just a swim suit and close proximity.

Can anyone help with advice especially if the management tries fob me off and mark me as an evil uncaring person! I just want to feel comfortable, after all I probably pay the same membership as he does!
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Replies

  • Unknown
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  • AsISmile
    AsISmile Posts: 1,004 Member
    If he indeed has ASD the best thing you can do is try and explain why you feel uncomfortable. He may however not be able to understand it.
    Depending on how severe it is he may be unable to realise what is appropriate in this and all social situations. I am not saying his behavior should be excused, but it can be really difficult installing proper behaviour in someone that has a disorder.

    Again, try to explain. He may truly not know and understand why. It can make them really akward in a social context, especially around women.
  • nemo3590
    nemo3590 Posts: 11 Member
    Some people are just really, really terrible at picking up on social cues, body language, etc. I'm one of them. I compensate by being uber careful not to do anything that might be the slightest bit uncomfortable to those around me in public, sometimes to a fault. But not everyone has that filter. Maybe just explaining to him outright how his behavior is inappropriate would go a long way. If that doesn't help, then you know he's just a slimy *kitten* and report him accordingly. I'm sure the gym doesn't want a customer who creeps their other customers away from their business.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    I actually think talking to management might not be a bad thing. They might be able to let him know what's ok and what isn't in a sympathetic, neutral way.
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    start with telling him that the policy for the steam room is to take a shower before hand and to wear a bathing suit while in the sauna. i find that if you give people an inch, they'll take a mile.
  • andympanda
    andympanda Posts: 763 Member
    UltimateRBF wrote: »
    Talk to the gym management
    OR
    Find a new gym
    OR
    Ignore it and hope it goes away.

    Those are really your only options. If you actually want something done about it you're going to have to speak up.

    OR tell the guy to his face F off

  • CurlyCockney
    CurlyCockney Posts: 1,394 Member
    There's an awful lot of bias in the way you are telling us what happened. If he's done something against the rules report him, but unless you are his physician leave the stuff about any disabilities he might have out of it - disabilities aren't a bar to using saunas (and, legally, he probably has more right to be there than you if he has a Protected Characteristic ).
  • demoiselle2014
    demoiselle2014 Posts: 474 Member
    edited July 2015
    If he's behaving inappropriately, you should report him to management, regardless of any symptoms you may think that you perceive. Treat him as you would treat anyone else who is being creepy.
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,078 Member
    Sounds like he was just trying to chat you up, you might find the age difference inappropriate, clearly he doesn't.

    Can't you just tell him you're not interested in talking to him. I don't think he'll be in a hurry to talk to you again after the last attempt though.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    edited July 2015
    CurlyCockney wrote: »
    There's an awful lot of bias in the way you are telling us what happened. If he's done something against the rules report him, but unless you are his physician leave the stuff about any disabilities he might have out of it - disabilities aren't a bar to using saunas (and, legally, he probably has more right to be there than you if he has a Protected Characteristic ).

    she isn't saying she wants him kicked out. he engaged in what would generally be considered socially inappropriate behaviour that made her uncomfortable. she sensed that his behaviour was unusual (i guess in a way that she understood to be typical of people with ASD) and is giving him the benefit of the doubt that that could be the reason, vs. some other reason and is trying to be sensitive to that possibility. if he does have ASD, talking to management is kinder than telling him to f off.

    but yeah OP leave your speculation out of it if you do report him.
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,626 Member
    if he continues to act in that manner I would report him. You told him once, the rest should be on management
  • Unknown
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  • CurlyCockney
    CurlyCockney Posts: 1,394 Member
    tomatoey wrote: »
    CurlyCockney wrote: »
    There's an awful lot of bias in the way you are telling us what happened. If he's done something against the rules report him, but unless you are his physician leave the stuff about any disabilities he might have out of it - disabilities aren't a bar to using saunas (and, legally, he probably has more right to be there than you if he has a Protected Characteristic ).

    she isn't saying she wants him kicked out. he engaged in what would generally be considered socially inappropriate behaviour that made her uncomfortable. she sensed that his behaviour was unusual (i guess in a way that she understood to be typical of people with ASD) and is giving him the benefit of the doubt that that could be the reason, vs. some other reason and is trying to be sensitive to that possibility. if he does have ASD, talking to management is kinder than telling him to f off.

    The OP clearly felt uncomfortable, but that's not necessarily his fault - not because of any perceived disability but because the OP has put so much extraneous information into this description that it's difficult to see what exactly, other than somebody possibly fancying her, happened.

    I mentioned Protected Characteristics because the OP said it's a Council sauna, and they are not likely to break the Equal Rights Act because she feels uncomfortable. However, if he has broken rules he is not exempt from any action they might take, so she should report it.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    edited July 2015
    I doubt this (or most) gym(s) has (have) explicit rules on the matter (probably not, maybe something more general about respecting other patrons), but I think people should be able to enjoy a steam room without being hit on or leered at.
  • CurlyCockney
    CurlyCockney Posts: 1,394 Member
    tomatoey wrote: »
    I doubt this (or most) gym(s) has (have) explicit rules on the matter (probably not, maybe something more general about respecting other patrons), but I think people should be able to enjoy a steam room without being hit on or leered at.

    I totally agree. And they should be able to use them without people making value judgements regarding their hygiene and diagnosing conditions, too.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    I'm not seeing anything here that is clearly "inappropriate" behaviour, so I'm not ready to jump to any kind of conclusions based on one side of the story.

    Is there a reason you can't just talk to him as if he's a real person and explain whatever it is that's bugging you? You know...like have an actual conversation...?

    Because honestly, from here, it sounds like you just snapped at him with pretty minimal provocation.
  • Tortitudekitty
    Tortitudekitty Posts: 67 Member
    Thanks for the replies.

    Mr Knight I think the fact that he has asked me personal questions and made personal remarks on several occasions is what, in the past, is the reason that I have simply walked out. However it has got to a stage where he is in there before I arrive and he pipes up with his personal questions and I have to leave after less than five minutes because he makes me very uncomfortable and fiddles with his groin. I don't think that it's very fair to make someone uncomfortable like that so on Saturday (yesterday) I told him so.
    I wouldn't mind if he tried joining in with what is considered polite conversation but making remarks about my body or how I look is not on from a stranger.

    I don't really think there is a difference between council run and private sector health & fitness facilities in regards to "equality" and "rights". Why would he have more right to be there if he has a protected characteristic (whatever that is).
    The centre's rules is that people have a shower before using the sauna or steam room and to wear bathing attire....no underwear or sweat-suits or whatever.

    I think I will see if it happens again and if it does I will simply explain to him that his behaviour is upsetting people and quietly mention it to the manager and let him deal with it.

    Thanks everyone.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    edited July 2015
    Tortitudekitty wrote: »
    ...and fiddles with his groin...

    Previously you said his hands were "close" to that area (which is pretty natural when sitting like that, TBH) - now your'e saying he's actually fiddling with his junk?

    These are two very different things...
  • Psychgrrl
    Psychgrrl Posts: 3,177 Member
    In your position, I've said, "Your personal questions are making me uncomfortable and I need you to stop." If he doesn't, you report him to management and he becomes their responsibility. Based on past experience, I wouldn't be surprised if this was his approach with more than just you. Don't ignore your intuition, it's pinging for a reason.

    Th bottom line is that you have the right to enjoy the space and feel comfortable and your being there with a bathing suit does not entitle anyone else to make comments about your body.
  • demoiselle2014
    demoiselle2014 Posts: 474 Member
    CurlyCockney wrote: »

    The OP clearly felt uncomfortable, but that's not necessarily his fault - not because of any perceived disability but because the OP has put so much extraneous information into this description that it's difficult to see what exactly, other than somebody possibly fancying her, happened.

    The steam room is a very inappropriate place for anyone to make the fact that they "fancy" someone clear. That's already crossing a boundary for most people.

  • Kalikel
    Kalikel Posts: 9,603 Member
    Maybe he had a suit on under the towel?

    What is the deal with his hands? First, they're "too close" to his genitals - is that in his lap? Now he's fiddling.

    Honestly, if he creeps you out, just say, "I don't want to talk to men I don't know," and see how that goes. If he's special needs, be straight and to the point. There just isn't any reason to be nasty, IMO.

    I'd you can't handle it on your own, talk to the staff and see if they can't help you out.
  • MeanderingMammal
    MeanderingMammal Posts: 7,866 Member
    Tortitudekitty wrote: »
    Now......you may be thinking, so what but the problem is that he definitely has "issues", maybe some sort of autism.

    So does this tell us more about you than him. As you're in your 50s I'm somewhat surprised that you seek to excuse your own reaction nby wheeling out ill informed prejudice.

    You've expressed your position to him. If he contues, then escalate it to the duty manager.

    Even if he does have some form of spectrum disorder it's not relevant to the gym, unless it's part of a treatment plan.
  • mwyvr
    mwyvr Posts: 1,883 Member
    This doesn't seem like a discussion that belongs in "Fitness and Exercise".
  • Tortitudekitty
    Tortitudekitty Posts: 67 Member
    My last word on this.

    Yes I am in my 50's but I do not look it. I guess it's genetics. Lucky me, eh.

    He doesn't use the gym.

    Maybe it doesn't belong in this section, granted but neither did I want to put it in chit-chat as it is full of frivolous stuff.

    Good day.
  • rileyes
    rileyes Posts: 1,406 Member
    There is a guy like that at our tennis courts (high functioning level autistic -- formerly Aspberger's). He likes to interfere with everyone's game. We have to be blunt with him. He habitually plays late afternoon so most of us try to get a court in the morning. (By the way, not a hard syndrome to recognize)

    I would report that sauna guy for breaking rules. Then I would reschedule my sauna time.

  • fbinsc
    fbinsc Posts: 735 Member
    Every gym I've ever been in the steam room and sauna are where creepy guys go to stare. I hate those things and wish gyms wouldn't put them in the shower room. They don't even work out just sit there
  • MeanderingMammal
    MeanderingMammal Posts: 7,866 Member
    rileyes wrote: »
    By the way, not a hard syndrome to recognize


    It does depend where on the spectrum someone is. Social anxiety, lower ability to pick up social cues, unsophisticated use of language could be indicators, or could just be indicators of lower educational level, or lower achievement.

    Given the numbers of people who demonstrate ASD characteristics it can be difficult. What ASD doesn't offer is an opportunity for someone to project their own social anxieties onto others. The whole description reads like a Transactional Analysis case study.
  • Azdak
    Azdak Posts: 8,281 Member
    Any one who has worked in a health club has had to deal with this situation numerous times. The worst behavior issues are always in the water areas--pools, saunas, spas, steam rooms, and showers. There is something about the combination of moisture and reduced clothing that enhances tendencies for inappropriate behavior. I'm 95% certain that you are not the first person this guy has approached in this way. If you go to management, it is likely he has a history of this type of behavior and they can help with the situation. They may even have some insight into his background that might help reduce any perceived threat (even if it doesn't decrease the annoyance).
  • MamaBirdBoss
    MamaBirdBoss Posts: 1,516 Member
    I'd simply tell him that he was being inappropriate and I don't want to be followed around as it felt like harassment and ask him to please not speak to me and to preferably use the sauna at another time.

    Doesn't matter what's wrong with him, if anything. If he's going to be in public as an adult, he needs to be appropriate, at least within the widest bounds of reasonable behavior.
  • MamaBirdBoss
    MamaBirdBoss Posts: 1,516 Member
    edited July 2015
    MeanderingMammal wrote: »
    rileyes wrote: »
    By the way, not a hard syndrome to recognize


    It does depend where on the spectrum someone is. Social anxiety, lower ability to pick up social cues, unsophisticated use of language could be indicators, or could just be indicators of lower educational level, or lower achievement.

    Given the numbers of people who demonstrate ASD characteristics it can be difficult. What ASD doesn't offer is an opportunity for someone to project their own social anxieties onto others. The whole description reads like a Transactional Analysis case study.

    She was TRYING to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and not just label him a "creeper." But disabilities are not excuses for behaving in extremely inappropriate ways in public. There are certain lines beyond which people who are out unattended must not cross.

    And YES, there are people in my family with serious disabilities.

    Also, if you're not so far along the spectrum that you ARE extremely obvious to a person with experience, you have no excuse for being a creeper.
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