Steam room dilemma

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Tortitudekitty
Tortitudekitty Posts: 67 Member
in Fitness and Exercise
Hello people!

I have a bit of a problem.
After I have worked out I enjoy a stint in the steam room with a couple of cold showers to relax and for general wellbeing.
My gym and steam/sauna is run by our local council and it's very nice with great equipment.

However my chill-outs (wrong expression for a steam room, lol!) have recently been ruined by a guy who comes in and stares you out and then starts asking creepy questions or making personal comments.
Take the other day, I was in there with another lady and we were quietly chatting and he comes in with just a towel wrapped round his waist. He never has a pre-shower so he's a bit pongy too. We both looked at each other as the rules are that bathing suits must be worn...we are in England and that is the way it goes, it ain't 'let's get nekkid' like in some other countries!
So he sits there just staring with his hands a little too close to his genitals for comfort.
The lady went out to have a cool shower and he pitches in with, "You look fit" and "I like your tattoos", I just go uh-hu and ignore him.
I get up to leave and whilst I'm drying my hair in the change area the lady comes up to me and says what a weirdo he is and that he said to her, "I like your friend", and asked her if she was married and did she have children. We are both in our 50's ffs.....*shudder*. He's probably in his 30's and portly.

Yesterday he pitched into the steam room and waited till others had left and moved to sit opposite me and started up with the "Where do you live in (name of town)?".
I'm afraid I just snapped at him and said that I had enough of his intrusive questions and walked out, he mumbled a "sorry" but I was well annoyed, my self-pampering session ruined.


Now......you may be thinking, so what but the problem is that he definitely has "issues", maybe some sort of autism. If he was "normal" I would have no hesitation in reporting him to the management and/or roundly telling him to f*** off/ let the husband deal with him as I think you will agree that creeping, whether it's in the gym, swimming pool or sauna/steam area is bang out of order.
I'm surprised I actually told him that I disapproved of his behaviour as I'm quite an anxious person and I'm worried that if I report I'll be told off that he's only trying to be friendly and hasn't any social skills and not be so uptight. I'm sorry but it is not right that he should be excused of his behaviour because of his condition, his carers or parents/family should instill in him what is acceptable behaviour around females, especially when one feels a little vulnerable in just a swim suit and close proximity.

Can anyone help with advice especially if the management tries fob me off and mark me as an evil uncaring person! I just want to feel comfortable, after all I probably pay the same membership as he does!
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Replies

  • AsISmile
    AsISmile Posts: 1,004 Member
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    If he indeed has ASD the best thing you can do is try and explain why you feel uncomfortable. He may however not be able to understand it.
    Depending on how severe it is he may be unable to realise what is appropriate in this and all social situations. I am not saying his behavior should be excused, but it can be really difficult installing proper behaviour in someone that has a disorder.

    Again, try to explain. He may truly not know and understand why. It can make them really akward in a social context, especially around women.
  • nemo3590
    nemo3590 Posts: 11 Member
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    Some people are just really, really terrible at picking up on social cues, body language, etc. I'm one of them. I compensate by being uber careful not to do anything that might be the slightest bit uncomfortable to those around me in public, sometimes to a fault. But not everyone has that filter. Maybe just explaining to him outright how his behavior is inappropriate would go a long way. If that doesn't help, then you know he's just a slimy *kitten* and report him accordingly. I'm sure the gym doesn't want a customer who creeps their other customers away from their business.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
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    I actually think talking to management might not be a bad thing. They might be able to let him know what's ok and what isn't in a sympathetic, neutral way.
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
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    start with telling him that the policy for the steam room is to take a shower before hand and to wear a bathing suit while in the sauna. i find that if you give people an inch, they'll take a mile.
  • andympanda
    andympanda Posts: 763 Member
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    UltimateRBF wrote: »
    Talk to the gym management
    OR
    Find a new gym
    OR
    Ignore it and hope it goes away.

    Those are really your only options. If you actually want something done about it you're going to have to speak up.

    OR tell the guy to his face F off

  • CurlyCockney
    CurlyCockney Posts: 1,394 Member
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    There's an awful lot of bias in the way you are telling us what happened. If he's done something against the rules report him, but unless you are his physician leave the stuff about any disabilities he might have out of it - disabilities aren't a bar to using saunas (and, legally, he probably has more right to be there than you if he has a Protected Characteristic ).
  • demoiselle2014
    demoiselle2014 Posts: 474 Member
    edited July 2015
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    If he's behaving inappropriately, you should report him to management, regardless of any symptoms you may think that you perceive. Treat him as you would treat anyone else who is being creepy.
  • skinnyinnotime
    skinnyinnotime Posts: 4,141 Member
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    Sounds like he was just trying to chat you up, you might find the age difference inappropriate, clearly he doesn't.

    Can't you just tell him you're not interested in talking to him. I don't think he'll be in a hurry to talk to you again after the last attempt though.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    edited July 2015
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    CurlyCockney wrote: »
    There's an awful lot of bias in the way you are telling us what happened. If he's done something against the rules report him, but unless you are his physician leave the stuff about any disabilities he might have out of it - disabilities aren't a bar to using saunas (and, legally, he probably has more right to be there than you if he has a Protected Characteristic ).

    she isn't saying she wants him kicked out. he engaged in what would generally be considered socially inappropriate behaviour that made her uncomfortable. she sensed that his behaviour was unusual (i guess in a way that she understood to be typical of people with ASD) and is giving him the benefit of the doubt that that could be the reason, vs. some other reason and is trying to be sensitive to that possibility. if he does have ASD, talking to management is kinder than telling him to f off.

    but yeah OP leave your speculation out of it if you do report him.
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,627 Member
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    if he continues to act in that manner I would report him. You told him once, the rest should be on management
  • CurlyCockney
    CurlyCockney Posts: 1,394 Member
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    tomatoey wrote: »
    CurlyCockney wrote: »
    There's an awful lot of bias in the way you are telling us what happened. If he's done something against the rules report him, but unless you are his physician leave the stuff about any disabilities he might have out of it - disabilities aren't a bar to using saunas (and, legally, he probably has more right to be there than you if he has a Protected Characteristic ).

    she isn't saying she wants him kicked out. he engaged in what would generally be considered socially inappropriate behaviour that made her uncomfortable. she sensed that his behaviour was unusual (i guess in a way that she understood to be typical of people with ASD) and is giving him the benefit of the doubt that that could be the reason, vs. some other reason and is trying to be sensitive to that possibility. if he does have ASD, talking to management is kinder than telling him to f off.

    The OP clearly felt uncomfortable, but that's not necessarily his fault - not because of any perceived disability but because the OP has put so much extraneous information into this description that it's difficult to see what exactly, other than somebody possibly fancying her, happened.

    I mentioned Protected Characteristics because the OP said it's a Council sauna, and they are not likely to break the Equal Rights Act because she feels uncomfortable. However, if he has broken rules he is not exempt from any action they might take, so she should report it.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    edited July 2015
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    I doubt this (or most) gym(s) has (have) explicit rules on the matter (probably not, maybe something more general about respecting other patrons), but I think people should be able to enjoy a steam room without being hit on or leered at.
  • CurlyCockney
    CurlyCockney Posts: 1,394 Member
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    tomatoey wrote: »
    I doubt this (or most) gym(s) has (have) explicit rules on the matter (probably not, maybe something more general about respecting other patrons), but I think people should be able to enjoy a steam room without being hit on or leered at.

    I totally agree. And they should be able to use them without people making value judgements regarding their hygiene and diagnosing conditions, too.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
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    I'm not seeing anything here that is clearly "inappropriate" behaviour, so I'm not ready to jump to any kind of conclusions based on one side of the story.

    Is there a reason you can't just talk to him as if he's a real person and explain whatever it is that's bugging you? You know...like have an actual conversation...?

    Because honestly, from here, it sounds like you just snapped at him with pretty minimal provocation.
  • Tortitudekitty
    Tortitudekitty Posts: 67 Member
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    Thanks for the replies.

    Mr Knight I think the fact that he has asked me personal questions and made personal remarks on several occasions is what, in the past, is the reason that I have simply walked out. However it has got to a stage where he is in there before I arrive and he pipes up with his personal questions and I have to leave after less than five minutes because he makes me very uncomfortable and fiddles with his groin. I don't think that it's very fair to make someone uncomfortable like that so on Saturday (yesterday) I told him so.
    I wouldn't mind if he tried joining in with what is considered polite conversation but making remarks about my body or how I look is not on from a stranger.

    I don't really think there is a difference between council run and private sector health & fitness facilities in regards to "equality" and "rights". Why would he have more right to be there if he has a protected characteristic (whatever that is).
    The centre's rules is that people have a shower before using the sauna or steam room and to wear bathing attire....no underwear or sweat-suits or whatever.

    I think I will see if it happens again and if it does I will simply explain to him that his behaviour is upsetting people and quietly mention it to the manager and let him deal with it.

    Thanks everyone.
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
    edited July 2015
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    Tortitudekitty wrote: »
    ...and fiddles with his groin...

    Previously you said his hands were "close" to that area (which is pretty natural when sitting like that, TBH) - now your'e saying he's actually fiddling with his junk?

    These are two very different things...
  • Psychgrrl
    Psychgrrl Posts: 3,177 Member
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    In your position, I've said, "Your personal questions are making me uncomfortable and I need you to stop." If he doesn't, you report him to management and he becomes their responsibility. Based on past experience, I wouldn't be surprised if this was his approach with more than just you. Don't ignore your intuition, it's pinging for a reason.

    Th bottom line is that you have the right to enjoy the space and feel comfortable and your being there with a bathing suit does not entitle anyone else to make comments about your body.
  • demoiselle2014
    demoiselle2014 Posts: 474 Member
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    CurlyCockney wrote: »

    The OP clearly felt uncomfortable, but that's not necessarily his fault - not because of any perceived disability but because the OP has put so much extraneous information into this description that it's difficult to see what exactly, other than somebody possibly fancying her, happened.

    The steam room is a very inappropriate place for anyone to make the fact that they "fancy" someone clear. That's already crossing a boundary for most people.

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