I'm so sorry

Today something terrible happened to me. I sat down on a toilet that had the seat left up by a careless male; Me. In 34 years on this planet (for nearly 17 of which I have habitually used a toilet) I have never done this. Truthfully, I had always wondered why women got so upset over the issue. But, as I plunged *kitten*-deep into the ice cold drink and felt the sting of freezing water kiss the back of my sack, I came to terms with the treachery in not replacing the seat to a down position. I'm now working on a livid bruise that doubles as a tramp stamp and am conjuring the courage needed to admit I was gang raped by germs. In fact, the smearing of my fresh butt cheeks down the inner bowl not only left my *kitten* covered in enough bacteria to cure ebola, but made it to number one on my short list of "gross *kitten* I shouldn't ever do again" and I've accidentally drank my own piss while camping.

All I can think to say to women everywhere is;

I'm really really really....SORRY.