How do you deal with unsupportive friends/family?
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Gotta say I cracked up pretty good at the "hearing issues" :laugh:
I don't get some things either, though. Do you prefer to not eat at all when you visit with her? How about your fiancé?
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Pinnacle_IAO wrote: »I don't mean to sound unkind, but I cut ties with anybody not supportive of my goals in life.
There's no drama, but I just quietly start distancing myself.
Nature abhors a vacuum. Once I closed the door on a relationship, new, better doors opened.
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YoungIronG wrote: »you broke rule #1 - don't argue with your inlaws, that is for blood only
if you ignore her long enough, she will get the point.... its been about 5 years and I still have to ignore my father in law.
"THIS IS A TEXAS MEAT EATIN' HOUSE, NOT THAT GAY CALIFORNIA PLANT STUFF"
im from LA and I have yet to hear the end of it- even tho he begrudgingly admits he likes my cooking and he take 10 medications for heath related conditions....
stay strong and ignore, let your spouse scream at his/her own mom
True that. I wont even argue with my blood relatives, I have no issues cutting ties when needed and my MIL is working hard for that.0 -
seltzermint555 wrote: »Maybe she is like my mom, who feels intimidated by "different" diets even though she wants to be supportive. She doesn't get it sometimes. For example we eat her homemade baked goods, knowing that she is a user of skim milk and Splenda/sugar blend and so on...but when she brings out a frozen aisle apple pie with 500 calories per slice and sky high sodium we usually pass, or split a piece. It doesn't make sense to her. And that's ok, really. It would be a lot to expect of her to always have our favorite foods on hand and eat exactly as we do. She's never gonna enjoy plain Greek yogurt with chopped up fruit and oats in it as much as her McDonald's yogurt parfait.
When she asks "what do you want to eat?" we usually ask her to make something we know is "innocent". We go to her place weekly for dinner and we often bring restaurant food of our choosing (which she likes everything so that works) and if she "cooks" more than 50% of the time we have large, loaded baked potatoes and my husband (who is pescetarian) brings his substitution for taco meat (TVP) and we bring a container of French onion dip we love, and leave her to the Velveeta cheese sauce and bacon pieces she prefers. We all eat broccoli on our potatoes and I'm fine with her low sodium taco meat...so everyone's happy. But if we told her "whatever you want to make" we would be eating boxed and canned food only, and a lot of things we didn't prefer to eat like Frito chili pies and boxed entrees with off the charts sodium and fat and so on.
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gaelicstorm26 wrote: »I'm not sure that I understand why you are so upset.
My mother and my MIL like to have us over and always ask what we would like to eat. They are from an era where being a good host meant feeding people (and many times, this is still tradition). It's no big deal. And I always offer to bring something that I know I can eat (like a salad, or a side, or especially a dessert). Maybe next time offer to have her over for dinner, or suggest a dish that you can provide? When someone makes something that is questionable with my macros, I just pick and choose what I can eat from what is available.
About the vegan thing. I wonder if she is mixing it up with something else in her mind.0 -
TheNerdyMonkey wrote: »seltzermint555 wrote: »Maybe she is like my mom, who feels intimidated by "different" diets even though she wants to be supportive. She doesn't get it sometimes. For example we eat her homemade baked goods, knowing that she is a user of skim milk and Splenda/sugar blend and so on...but when she brings out a frozen aisle apple pie with 500 calories per slice and sky high sodium we usually pass, or split a piece. It doesn't make sense to her. And that's ok, really. It would be a lot to expect of her to always have our favorite foods on hand and eat exactly as we do. She's never gonna enjoy plain Greek yogurt with chopped up fruit and oats in it as much as her McDonald's yogurt parfait.
When she asks "what do you want to eat?" we usually ask her to make something we know is "innocent". We go to her place weekly for dinner and we often bring restaurant food of our choosing (which she likes everything so that works) and if she "cooks" more than 50% of the time we have large, loaded baked potatoes and my husband (who is pescetarian) brings his substitution for taco meat (TVP) and we bring a container of French onion dip we love, and leave her to the Velveeta cheese sauce and bacon pieces she prefers. We all eat broccoli on our potatoes and I'm fine with her low sodium taco meat...so everyone's happy. But if we told her "whatever you want to make" we would be eating boxed and canned food only, and a lot of things we didn't prefer to eat like Frito chili pies and boxed entrees with off the charts sodium and fat and so on.
This is probably the best route to take for now. If she sees that what you're eating is healthy and tasty, maybe she'll want to do more. I wouldn't suggest to her that she should change her diet, though. That actually could be a reason she gets upset: she may think that you're criticizing her, even if you're not, because what she taught her son wasn't good enough for him. I don't know if that's the case, but you might look for signs that's where her thoughts are leaning.0 -
Soooo you have different ideas on what's healthy and this frustrates you? (Not assuming, I'm legit asking) You could just tell her to cook whatever she wants since you don't even like what she cooks when she "inconveniences" herself to prepare what she thinks you might prefer. She's happy, but you weren't going to be happy eating her food anyway0
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As a mom I can understand her pain and frustration. She raised your partner in what she thought was the best way she could. Mom's like to think they know best for their child. Now, you and your partner are going a new route and she's probably feeling Sad and misunderstood!
I'm sure she's also feeling a bit pushed out as all us moms do when our children move on with their lives. I'd say you might try inviting her over more tell her you have a new recipe you'd like to try and you'd really really love her opinion on it. Get her involved in your lifestyle not by force but make her feel "needed" Moms really really REALLY want to be needed in their childs life. It's going to be Ok!0 -
apeydawn423 wrote: »As a mom I can understand her pain and frustration. She raised your partner in what she thought was the best way she could. Mom's like to think they know best for their child. Now, you and your partner are going a new route and she's probably feeling Sad and misunderstood!
I'm sure she's also feeling a bit pushed out as all us moms do when our children move on with their lives. I'd say you might try inviting her over more tell her you have a new recipe you'd like to try and you'd really really love her opinion on it. Get her involved in your lifestyle not by force but make her feel "needed" Moms really really REALLY want to be needed in their childs life. It's going to be Ok!
Very good points. I just wonder if the fiancé really dislikes this woman as much as she does. And if he doesn't, it could be worth either making it work or figuring out how to give them two some quality time that doesn't necessarily involve the OP? I don't know if that's a thing with married couples
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Soooo you have different ideas on what's healthy and this frustrates you? (Not assuming, I'm legit asking) You could just tell her to cook whatever she wants since you don't even like what she cooks when she "inconveniences" herself to prepare what she thinks you might prefer. She's happy, but you weren't going to be happy eating her food anyway0
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apeydawn423 wrote: »As a mom I can understand her pain and frustration. She raised your partner in what she thought was the best way she could. Mom's like to think they know best for their child. Now, you and your partner are going a new route and she's probably feeling Sad and misunderstood!
I'm sure she's also feeling a bit pushed out as all us moms do when our children move on with their lives. I'd say you might try inviting her over more tell her you have a new recipe you'd like to try and you'd really really love her opinion on it. Get her involved in your lifestyle not by force but make her feel "needed" Moms really really REALLY want to be needed in their childs life. It's going to be Ok!
My generation has the world at our finger tips and can learn any time we want. I understand that is intimidating to some from her generation (not all, I know lots of older people who take advantage and continue learning too) My generation is very lucky to have so much knowledge and passion for health and fitness, we would be ignorant to ignore it.
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Hm
You don't have to eat animal food, but I think you need to decide if you can tolerate this woman in your life, and take action. Otherwise, from my admittedly limited view, it's coming across like just overall your perhaps don't think that much of her, and regardless of what she does to bring it on, that attitude is going to come out in your interactions with her. If your fiancé wants to see his mother after that, he's an adult and I'm sure he can make it happen for himself0 -
TheNerdyMonkey wrote: »apeydawn423 wrote: »As a mom I can understand her pain and frustration. She raised your partner in what she thought was the best way she could. Mom's like to think they know best for their child. Now, you and your partner are going a new route and she's probably feeling Sad and misunderstood!
I'm sure she's also feeling a bit pushed out as all us moms do when our children move on with their lives. I'd say you might try inviting her over more tell her you have a new recipe you'd like to try and you'd really really love her opinion on it. Get her involved in your lifestyle not by force but make her feel "needed" Moms really really REALLY want to be needed in their childs life. It's going to be Ok!
My generation has the world at our finger tips and can learn any time we want. I understand that is intimidating to some from her generation (not all, I know lots of older people who take advantage and continue learning too) My generation is very lucky to have so much knowledge and passion for health and fitness, we would be ignorant to ignore it.
If your fiance is as annoyed as you, then he needs to talk to her. If it was your mom, I'd say you should talk to her, but trying to intervene in what is essentially an argument between your SO and one of their parents could backfire spectacularly and you don't want to be in the middle of that. I'm not saying cut off contact, that needs to be your fiance's decision, but talk to him first. Work out a plan of what to do with her and if it means less time spent over there, then so be it. Cutting off all contact should be a last resort, so I hope it doesn't have to come to that, but if change needs to happen, you two are the ones that will have to do it.0 -
gaelicstorm26 wrote: »I'm not sure that I understand why you are so upset.
My mother and my MIL like to have us over and always ask what we would like to eat. They are from an era where being a good host meant feeding people (and many times, this is still tradition). It's no big deal. And I always offer to bring something that I know I can eat (like a salad, or a side, or especially a dessert). Maybe next time offer to have her over for dinner, or suggest a dish that you can provide? When someone makes something that is questionable with my macros, I just pick and choose what I can eat from what is available.
About the vegan thing. I wonder if she is mixing it up with something else in her mind.
this is what I was thinking0 -
Clearly to MIL food is love.0
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TheNerdyMonkey wrote: »apeydawn423 wrote: »As a mom I can understand her pain and frustration. She raised your partner in what she thought was the best way she could. Mom's like to think they know best for their child. Now, you and your partner are going a new route and she's probably feeling Sad and misunderstood!
I'm sure she's also feeling a bit pushed out as all us moms do when our children move on with their lives. I'd say you might try inviting her over more tell her you have a new recipe you'd like to try and you'd really really love her opinion on it. Get her involved in your lifestyle not by force but make her feel "needed" Moms really really REALLY want to be needed in their childs life. It's going to be Ok!
My generation has the world at our finger tips and can learn any time we want. I understand that is intimidating to some from her generation (not all, I know lots of older people who take advantage and continue learning too) My generation is very lucky to have so much knowledge and passion for health and fitness, we would be ignorant to ignore it.
If your fiance is as annoyed as you, then he needs to talk to her. If it was your mom, I'd say you should talk to her, but trying to intervene in what is essentially an argument between your SO and one of their parents could backfire spectacularly and you don't want to be in the middle of that. I'm not saying cut off contact, that needs to be your fiance's decision, but talk to him first. Work out a plan of what to do with her and if it means less time spent over there, then so be it. Cutting off all contact should be a last resort, so I hope it doesn't have to come to that, but if change needs to happen, you two are the ones that will have to do it.
Well said, I agree. He does need to talk to her and really get down to what the problem actually is.
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