IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME PART 2- WITH DISCLAIMER

If you really knew me you'd know that what I want most of all is to be 'normal' and not have my life and decisions ruled by past abuse and MH issues. You'd know that for all the grown up things I do I'm still really that 14 year old that can't get herself out of a horrendous situation.

You'd also know that sometimes I wake up thinking I'm back where I was in my teens to realise that I survived, those mornings it feels like I have been given the best gift of all, a life in which I am (generally although with significant struggles) happy

If you really knew me you would know that...I changed my lifestyle because I couldnt go on being fat and that I never imagined it would change me the way it has. Im sorry that the new me is not the same old me and it makes me sad to know that some people like the old me better.

+1

I was not in a good emotional place yesterday to post to this thread...but have to say I applaud everyone who did and will today because it is therapy.

If you really knew me...you would know that at the age of 22 I couldn't say no to my mother and married a guy "because he'd take care of me" even though I told her I didn't want to one week before the wedding. Well he didn't take care of me, I worked and took care of him while he played golf. Three years later I was a horribly unhappy mean evil ***** and got divorced. My (ex)husband said he was afraid of me, which to this day still shocks me, because I've never been violent once towards him or others. And I could only get divorced because I moved four hours away from my parents and finally got some sort of backbone. I broke the heart of that guy and his parents. I miss his parents to this day. They won't have anything to do with me and the guilt kills when I think about it. So I don't.

If you really knew me...I still have a hard time saying NO to my mom at the age of 34.
....my brother is a 32 year old POS whom I love but really don't want much to do with because he is in and out of drugs and alcohol and treats my parents horribly. I work a full time job and have a family to take care of, yet my mom asks me to type out a resume for him and her and apply for jobs online for them while they don't work!
....I feel like the blacksheep of the family because I went to college and got two degrees. I feel like they don't know how to relate to me anymore.
...I am scorned because I make more money than my parents now even though I've worked hard to get where I am.
...my mom thinks I have Aspberges because of the way I treat my family, when really its the way I was raised to not have much to do with the rest of the family, so why would I treat my close family any different.
...am infinitely greatful to live almost three hours away from all of our family now and am horrified at the fact that my parents are thinking of moving here because they will bring their negativity and drama and I am going to be sucked down the spiral again.


On a good note....If you really knew me....I don't need my blood family to be happy and it took me many years to get to that point. I have a husband and kid of my own and friends who are more my family, even though my friends live two hours away in Portland!

If you really knew me you'd know how ashamed, gullible, naive and stupid I feel for getting myself into a situation where a man beat me so bad my jaw was broken, the insides of my ears were black from bruising, my eyes were black, there were finger shaped marks around my neck, the whites of my eyes were bloody, perfect imprints of my teeth were imparted inside my cheeks and lips, gigantic belt shaped welts and bruises crossed my hips/back/legs and my wrists and ankles bore red and bleeding track marks from the hand and leg cuffs he used to restrain me to a bed while he did this over the course of 4hrs.

No matter how much everyone winced in horror at my appearance and exclaimed it was in no way my fault, all I could think was that I was 21 years old; I knew better than to stay that night because he was getting wasted, I knew better than to stay when he got angry over my simply talking with a male platoon-mate, I knew better than to follow him to his room and I CERTAINLY should have NEVER agreed to let him handcuff my wrist to the bed "for a little fun". For goddsakes, I was a US Marine and one that graduated in the top 5% of her Combat Training class! I basically LET that happen. SMH.

If you knew me you would know that I'm really struggling to cope with the miscarriage I had a few weeks ago and this is the reason I am throwing myself into losing weight and exercising obsessively. I can't bear to look at a pregnant figure when I know there is no baby left and this is my way of dealing with that. No amount of people telling me that it was one of those things, and it wasn't my fault will ever change the guilt I feel that my body rejected my much wanted and loved baby.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I come from a dysfunctional family and it ashames me that I can't have a "normal" family life, I am afraid that anyone I meet will judge me on my family and how poorly we get along and how odd we all are, that I have fought depression that my whole family has had since I can remember and how I used to be a binge eater and am becoming entirely too possessive of what I eat to the point that 95% of people around me think I am over the top with my diet and I too will never be happy with my own face no matter how great my body looks.

This is my if you knew me! 100% but I'm bettin my family is worse!

If you really knew me you would know that I can hear a song 1 time and have it memorized, but I can watch a movie 20 times and not remember 1 damn quote.

OMG!!! Me too........ I didn't know anyone else could do that. Been like that since I can remember listening to music!!! WOW

If you really knew me you would know that I am unable to walk past wet cement without desperately wanting to take a twig or my finger and write something in it.

If you really knew me you would know, I worry entirely to much about what others think of me. I am extremely insecure and have been since I was a very little girl, even when I was skinny. I stress and beat myself up over everything. I alway second guess myself. I have been abused in more ways than one. I love my family more than anything in this world and they are the only reason I try.

If you really knew me...

-I'm afraid I'll die old and alone (which is why other thoughts enter my mind)
-admittiedly will cry myself to sleep some nights...
-when I was younger I was picked on alot
-I'm always wanting other people's approval
-have never done or tried drugs (marijuana, etc)

If you really knew me you would know that I have been depressed for a really long time. I look in the mirror and want to be happy, I mean after all, I have a beautiful family, a wonderful husband- what else do you need. I feel so lost inside myself. I never take pictures with myself in them because I can't even smile without my eyes looking sad. I feel trapped.....

I have been battling an eating disorder since I was in high school, I feel like It would be easier to go back to my old "tricks" but I know that is not the answer. But yet I still feel like I was my happiest when I was a size 0 ruining my body just to be skinny .......


If you really knew me I do everything and anything to make others happy. I am working on me!!

if you really knew me you'd know that I sometimes wish I could chuck my current life out the window and start over as a whole new identity in a completely different location.

I sometimes wish the same

I triple that.

bump (hope thats ok)

If you really knew me you would know I practise saying the things I could write in here, like they are a script, so they can be part of a story I can rattle off if need be and I never really have to believe they are true. I can't say them if I have to do so truthfully.

If you really knew me... you'd know that I was sexually abused by a neighbor when I was five and six. It only ended because we moved. And you'd know that I never told my family because I thought it would destroy us. Why or how I thought this I'll never know.

... you'd know that I've always had a plan on how to commit suicide and that for a long while it was the only thing that kept me going. The knowledge that if it got bad enough, I had a way out. Even now I have enough pills to do the job.

... you'd know that I still have one secret that I can never, and will never, tell anyone.