How do you deal with unsolicited workout advice?
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So is OP going to come back?0
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I always say, "Yeah sure let's workout." 9 times out of 10 it never goes anywhere from there...0
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Join MFP
you will never get unsolicited diet or workout advice here.
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ninagray000 wrote: »So is OP going to come back?
She probably went to work. You could send her a PM telling her that she has responses on her thread. Three of three times I've done that the OP came back.
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You could thank them for the invite but
I would just say that I enjoy working out alone. I am the same way. I hate competition with others. I like to compete with myself trying to increase speed and mileage over time. That gives me a sense of accomplishment. I also up my sit ups even by one a day.0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »ninagray000 wrote: »So is OP going to come back?
She probably went to work. You could send her a PM telling her that she has responses on her thread. Three of three times I've done that the OP came back.
Good idea! I'll do that, dunno why it didn't occur to me smh
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Presentation can have a pretty big impact on the meaning that's communicated. I can see a similar conversation sounding fairly pushy even if this one wasn't. On the other hand, sometimes our reception of information is affected by other encounters we've had.
This one didn't sound pushy at all, as described. I understand OP's reaction, but it seems like it's her, not the new friends.
For example, I get your parking space thing, as I really hate people encroaching on me as I'm backing out, but they aren't really doing anything inappropriate (which I have to tell myself). I just don't like feeling rushed when I'm getting ready to leave or watched, but that's really my issue, they aren't actually rushing me or commenting on me.
Similarly, I like to feel like if I do something dumb or really anything in a gym I'm invisible, as I dislike the idea that someone might be judging me, but that's me too. One of the trainers in my gym came over and gave me some pointers on my bench press and my natural (unhelpful to me) reaction was to feel uncomfortable as it ruined the illusion that people weren't watching me, but then I got over that and thought it was nice of her to help, that the pointers were good, and it was further nice that she offered to spot me if I needed it at any time when she was around and not training someone. (And I know she wasn't even trying to get me as a client because she knows I occasionally work with a different trainer and mentioned her positively.)0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »Presentation can have a pretty big impact on the meaning that's communicated. I can see a similar conversation sounding fairly pushy even if this one wasn't. On the other hand, sometimes our reception of information is affected by other encounters we've had.
This one didn't sound pushy at all, as described. I understand OP's reaction, but it seems like it's her, not the new friends.
For example, I get your parking space thing, as I really hate people encroaching on me as I'm backing out, but they aren't really doing anything inappropriate (which I have to tell myself). I just don't like feeling rushed when I'm getting ready to leave or watched, but that's really my issue, they aren't actually rushing me or commenting on me.
Similarly, I like to feel like if I do something dumb or really anything in a gym I'm invisible, as I dislike the idea that someone might be judging me, but that's me too. One of the trainers in my gym came over and gave me some pointers on my bench press and my natural (unhelpful to me) reaction was to feel uncomfortable as it ruined the illusion that people weren't watching me, but then I got over that and thought it was nice of her to help, that the pointers were good, and it was further nice that she offered to spot me if I needed it at any time when she was around and not training someone. (And I know she wasn't even trying to get me as a client because she knows I occasionally work with a different trainer and mentioned her positively.)
Precisely,
While I can see a snotty tone making any advice sound annoying, I think it's more likely that personal baggage is to blame for it coming off as annoying here.
As for myself, I'm pretty pretty darn introverted when it comes to strangers. I will wait until there is no more foot traffic to enter a building simply because I do not want someone to hold the door for me, nor do I want hold it open for someone else. I just find random pleasantries with strangers exhausting. The list goes on.
So, when I'm in the gym, the only advice from a stranger that isn't going to irritate me on some level is if I'm doing something that will cause me injury (e.g. my form is off and I'm just not seeing it). Now if it came from a co-worker, my reaction would vary greatly depending on who it was.
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These girls sound like (1) they want to be friends and (2) want to help. Why you are offended, I have no idea, but it is your right of course. Just tell them you prefer working out alone.
As for the girl who also works in the gym, not only she was trying to be friendly, but it is also part of her job. If a gym member who supervises the room sees you using one different machine each day and does not point out how you could improve your routine, then they are not doing their job. Sure, you have every right to do things your way, but it is still their job to at least offer to help you build up a routine that works. If she were pushing you and making fun, it would be very unprofessional, but offering to help you become more efficient sounds like part of her job description. She offers, you have a right to decline, and life goes on
She said it in a tone that was condescending and rude. When I saw her later she apologized. And she's not a gym supervisor. She's a coworker (and not a personal trainer or gym employee) I had made it clear enough that I didn't want to work out with her and then she came over to be disapproving of the one and only thing she's ever seen me do at the gym. She's a skinny person, and she's healthy, but she's not my personal trainer. She didn't know what I'd done before that or planned to do after that. She had no idea what my routine is or how often I use that machine.
It wasn't the offer of help that I disliked. That only would have deserved a polite 'no thanks.' It was her rudeness.
I'm fat, so I must not be working out/ eating correctly, right? Nope. Lost 50 lbs in the last year, and still going. 7 lbs this month. Doing something right. Even if the weight machine I use on Mondays only works out a small muscle group in my legs.
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These girls sound like (1) they want to be friends and (2) want to help. Why you are offended, I have no idea, but it is your right of course. Just tell them you prefer working out alone.
As for the girl who also works in the gym, not only she was trying to be friendly, but it is also part of her job. If a gym member who supervises the room sees you using one different machine each day and does not point out how you could improve your routine, then they are not doing their job. Sure, you have every right to do things your way, but it is still their job to at least offer to help you build up a routine that works. If she were pushing you and making fun, it would be very unprofessional, but offering to help you become more efficient sounds like part of her job description. She offers, you have a right to decline, and life goes on
She said it in a tone that was condescending and rude. When I saw her later she apologized. And she's not a gym supervisor. She's a coworker (and not a personal trainer or gym employee) I had made it clear enough that I didn't want to work out with her and then she came over to be disapproving of the one and only thing she's ever seen me do at the gym. She's a skinny person, and she's healthy, but she's not my personal trainer. She didn't know what I'd done before that or planned to do after that. She had no idea what my routine is or how often I use that machine.
It wasn't the offer of help that I disliked. That only would have deserved a polite 'no thanks.' It was her rudeness.
I'm fat, so I must not be working out/ eating correctly, right? Nope. Lost 50 lbs in the last year, and still going. 7 lbs this month. Doing something right. Even if the weight machine I use on Mondays only works out a small muscle group in my legs.
Ok, message is loud and clear, and she probably got it. You are annoyed by people who are thiiner or more fit than you and feel judged just because they exist. If you want friends at work, or at least not people avoiding you, time to work on your self esteem. Because it really sounds like whatever problem you have, these girls are not causing it.0 -
You need to tell them that you don't want their help at this point. Do it politely or rudely, or call them *****es if you want, but from what you've told us, you didn't actually turn down their offers of help. If you just smile and say thanks, it sounds like you're accepting the offer, and they will continue to offer advice/help. Put on your big girl panties and say "I don't want your help or advice now."0
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These girls sound like (1) they want to be friends and (2) want to help. Why you are offended, I have no idea, but it is your right of course. Just tell them you prefer working out alone.
As for the girl who also works in the gym, not only she was trying to be friendly, but it is also part of her job. If a gym member who supervises the room sees you using one different machine each day and does not point out how you could improve your routine, then they are not doing their job. Sure, you have every right to do things your way, but it is still their job to at least offer to help you build up a routine that works. If she were pushing you and making fun, it would be very unprofessional, but offering to help you become more efficient sounds like part of her job description. She offers, you have a right to decline, and life goes on
She said it in a tone that was condescending and rude. When I saw her later she apologized. And she's not a gym supervisor. She's a coworker (and not a personal trainer or gym employee) I had made it clear enough that I didn't want to work out with her and then she came over to be disapproving of the one and only thing she's ever seen me do at the gym. She's a skinny person, and she's healthy, but she's not my personal trainer. She didn't know what I'd done before that or planned to do after that. She had no idea what my routine is or how often I use that machine.
It wasn't the offer of help that I disliked. That only would have deserved a polite 'no thanks.' It was her rudeness.
I'm fat, so I must not be working out/ eating correctly, right? Nope. Lost 50 lbs in the last year, and still going. 7 lbs this month. Doing something right. Even if the weight machine I use on Mondays only works out a small muscle group in my legs.
Unless she SAID this to you, you are making assumptions about her motives, and then treating her with a bad attitude based off your assumptions. I get it, her tone was rude. How does that equate to the bolded statement above? Maybe she legit just thought she knew more than you (which, according to all other responses here, she does, regardless of your overall routine). That might be rude, but doesn't mean that she thinks that because you're fat, you're stupid.
Also, you posted a thread asking for advice. A couple pages of responses, and you come away with zero change in your thought process toward these women? Must be Monday on MFP...0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »Presentation can have a pretty big impact on the meaning that's communicated. I can see a similar conversation sounding fairly pushy even if this one wasn't. On the other hand, sometimes our reception of information is affected by other encounters we've had.
It was pushy. She was rude. I think my original post made it sound like she wasn't, but she was. She went on and on telling me how nice the machine was, and how she likes the way that it makes her feel. But that it's not really a good machine to use.
It was condescending and it ruined my morning. When I saw her later she apologized.0 -
Clearly what you're doing is working...which is a PERFECT excuse to kindly reject their offer. No one can argue with "Thanks, but what I'm doing is really working for me, and I don't want to mess with it! I'll give you a call if I find myself in a rut!" That way, they'll feel appreciated and even wanted, but they'll GET it.0
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lemurcat12 wrote: »Presentation can have a pretty big impact on the meaning that's communicated. I can see a similar conversation sounding fairly pushy even if this one wasn't. On the other hand, sometimes our reception of information is affected by other encounters we've had.
It was pushy. She was rude. I think my original post made it sound like she wasn't, but she was. She went on and on telling me how nice the machine was, and how she likes the way that it makes her feel. But that it's not really a good machine to use.
It was condescending and it ruined my morning. When I saw her later she apologized.
Put it simply: She was trying to be a friend and point the obvious, trying not to insult you: your routine makes no sense at all. Post what you are doing on the fitness forum, ask a trainer, ask anyone who has ever exercised. You are using machines in a way that makes no sense, she spotted the obvious, tried to politely help you, saw your reaction and decide to just let you be. You chose to be offended, make crazy assumptions, possibly ruin a new friendship, and learn nothing about strength training in the process. Clearly all these girls fault...0 -
Losing weight != doing it right. I mean by that logic, I could starve myself to death and lose weight and it would be the right way.
But, even using your logic that losing weight means you are doing it right only applies to your diet, not to your workout routine. You haven't stated that your endurance or strength have increased. And even then, if they are increasing are they increasing close to expected rates?
Also, she may have apologized because she realized she upset you, not that she was wrong in any way. Some people are nice like that.
Then again, if ineffective weight lifting is what works for you, more power to you!!0 -
So she went out of her way to fully explain the reason why she was recommending the machine was ineffectual and that you would get better results elsewhere/with a different method? We take advice from our baggage and you took this the wrong way I think. She was doing her damndest to make sure you knew why she was making a suggestion, not "going on and on". It's an approach I and I'm sure others have used in similar situations so that we're not that person who just strides up, tells you what you're doing is pointless and disappears again without any explanation as to how they arrived at their viewpoint.
I think you need to check yourself a bit. We all take things the wrong way sometimes because of our hang ups and insecurities but if we just think about it a bit after the fact we can see we misread the whole thing and there's no need to be quite so upset about what is actually a nice thing someone was trying to do.0 -
You were all excited that you made friend. Guess what friends give advise all the time about all sorts of topics (sometimes unsolicited). So why not give you advise about your workout. I think she apologized when she saw your reaction and your cold-eye smiles not because she did anything wrong. If you want her to be your friend outside of the gym you need to be her friend in the gym.0
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You should not assume you know what any person is thinking about you or what their motives are based on their level of fitness or how thin or fat they are. Speaking up and offering someone advice takes courage for most of us. Exactly because being given the cold stare and shrug off is rather uncomfortable. So if these women spoke up and offered you some advice and friendly company while training you should really consider that they must like and care about you and what they offered you was a gift.
Now I get that you don't want that gift. No need to be rude about it. Just say ,"thank you so much for the offer and I will definitely take you up on that if I have any questions, but I really do prefer to work out alone. It is my me time and I get so little of that so please don't take this the wrong way but I would rather work out by myself for now. But next time we get together for coffee you maybe you can tell me a little about what you do here and we can share ideas."
See how easy that is? They feel good about being nice and you get what you wanted.
And do please work on your self esteem. It is okay to allow people to help you, it does not make you less than you are. And it a way allowing people to help you is a gift that you ca give to them. It makes people feel good when they help other people.And we need more of that in the world.0 -
After reading the updates to the original post about what happened and how it unfolded, it really sounds like your friend was trying to show off a bit. And she was probably making assumptions about her level of knowledge and ability relative to yours. And it was probably based partly on your weight, bcuz that's normal (stupid and unfair, but normal). But maybe it was also based partly on the fact that she has been working out for a longer time? Dunno. You'd have to judge that for yourself. However, if you want to be friends, then you do need to address the situation a little more head-on, if it comes up again. I don't think its unreasonable for you to simply explain that the gym is your "me time." But conversing with them at the gym in a friendly way, or at work about exercise, shouldn't cut too much into your alone time. This will probably be easier after you establish openly that you like to be focused on the workout at the gym, and not spend too much time socializing. And if they give you tips, just keep responding honestly, and make a conversation of it - even if the tone coming at you is condescending. I'm sure you can explain why you do what you do, and perhaps as you demonstrate your own grasp on the situation, they will come to respect you more (with regard to exercise). If you keep your own temper and separate the attitude from the information, then you can better decide if they are sharing good information or not.0
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