Trouble with Positivity and Self Love

Hey! I am sorry to hear u go through this. I do the same thing. Instead of thinking no pain no gain, or its going to be ok. I cant help but cry when it gets hard and think "why is it everyone around me is like 'i eat whatever i want and gain no weight' or ' my metabalism is awesome' or 'i love working out!' And yet i try and its so hard" i find it unfair and i just give up. But im so tired of being un happy with myself. Im so tired of crying after spending a night out with the girls and never feeling pretty enough!! Like money isnt a issue either i also have to deal with what i see in the mirrior! But if i try i cant complain ik i just cant quit cold and drop 20 pounds like i would like! Plz message me and we can help each other!! (:

Sometimes it's best to start small and work forward to bigger changes. Have a daily small step to accomplish and keep on going. It could be to go on a walk or drink lots of water or get lots of veggies in. It's the small changes you build on that creates habits and gives you a sense of accomplishment. You do have to walk before you can run. Good luck!

This may not sound like the answer you expect but do you think it's possible that you are simply burning yourself out once you start a plan because you are going at it too hard? Don't get me wrong, it's brilliant to be enthusiastic and it's good to have a routine but it sounds like you put a million percent in to planning what you are going to do at the gym/with your food and when it comes down to it - it isn't as do-able as you once thought. It really is baby steps. Don't throw yourself in at the deep end.

Start by cutting general rubbish - opt for diet drinks instead of full fat for an example. If you snack, eat fruit. Very basic, simple stuff. Move more - go for walks etc etc. Build up your fitness. Build up your calorie deficit. Baby steps.

same name same spelling;)

At first I did really well by myself, a few years ago. It was really easy to just focus on whatever I needed (or wanted) to do. Then I enjoyed a vacation away with the boyfriend and just sort of... tuned out. Then my sister moved home and I loved having her home and we would go out to eat together, etc. Now, a couple years later, I'm back where I started. Only this time my sister is on the same journey as I am (we're twins, so we really get to point it out to each other what we need to do). Now that I'm used to that, it seems even more sustainable.

Having a plan ourselves is one thing, but motivation isn't constant. What seems to help me is having someone who might have motivation when I'm drained say, "C'mon, we need to take this thing for a walk." The dog always has motivation and it's true, if we don't want to go for a hike for our own sake, we really need to go out for her sake. It also helps if I see her start a routine, especially one that I notice I struggle with (I can't do push ups darnit, but I'm getting there).

A new attitude towards yourself... Hopefully being around people who behave in a positive way (not just saying it, but doing it and having a good time) might help. Also, just reminding yourself, "I'm working on myself." Having people to tell also helps me, though I do try not to sound like I'm bragging, but I like when I tell my friends/coworkers and they say, "Good for you," or, "You go girl."

NickieLR wrote: »

So my problem is a lot of self loathing. I go through these cycles. I get pumped, plan my workouts, count calories, and do all of this for 1 or 2 weeks. Then I burn out. I get really exhausted and depressive, start eating poorly again and end up where I started. I feel like I know what I read: be determined and prepare for the long haul. Tell yourself it will be worth it. But when I get low I feel so much lower than I think I should. And I am so mean to myself all the time. Even when I don't say anything aloud, I can't seem to stop the thoughts. You're ugly. You're fat. You're lazy. You can't even get through a month? You can't be strong enough to put down the bad foods and drinks? Are you really so incapable and unreliable? It is a wonder that people can even stand you. You're disgusting.

I think a lot of us can relate.

First, I'd join those who recommended that you think about therapy. It really can help.

Second, it would likely help to move away from the all or nothing thinking and give yourself a break (I know, that's the problem, right?) for being imperfect. Losing weight is a process, it's not something you are either doing perfectly or not at all, and some parts go better at some times.

What really helped me was trying to think about it super logically -- my weight was a problem I needed to solve. It wasn't who I was or something that made me icky or unloveable, and while I should eat less (and a better diet) and be more active, I am not a pig or disgusting if I eat more than I should or a less nutritious item, and I'm not a huge loser if I blow off a workout. But there are habits that will be helpful for me in achieving my goals, and so I will work on doing so. Stuff like that.

I tried to put together a plan that had some exciting long term goals to look forward to (this doesn't work for everyone, but for me thinking "in a year I could be this weight" helped). Besides weight goals these were achievement goals (wanting to run a half marathon or ride a century). Then I did short term goals that were more process goals and these I made really realistic at first with the idea that things would get easier as I established habits.

So at first I had a plan of how to eat (how to cut the excess calories and fix some of the easier to fix problems that had crept into my diet), but I wasn't too strict with myself -- I made sure I'd have a day out a week, since for me I knew that would be psychologically beneficial -- and if I made a poor choice I noted it and perhaps the reasons why, but didn't beat myself up. I tried to treat it as a learning experience. (I'd really, really stress this -- wanting to eat tasty food is a normal human thing and while a choice may not be the best one in order to reach your goals, it doesn't make you bad as a person, and getting away from those kinds of thoughts and thoughts about "bad food" in general really helped me. Stupid negative self talk.)

For me the food stuff was easy at first and the workouts were harder (funny as this is the opposite now), so I started slow -- I increased my walking in connection with my commute and decided I'd ride a stationary bike 30 minutes 3 days/week and do a longer walk on the weekend. The idea was to make it fun/pleasant so I wouldn't get discouraged or dread it or burn out. When I struggled or skipped a planned workout I tried to analyze what was going on to learn from it.

Once I started losing that was really motivational, but I also think joining a challenge at MFP and meeting some people and having people to report that I'd worked out and the like to helped keep me motivated. It's funny how a group can help.

Focusing on stats and numbers for me also both helped make it fun (as did focusing on cooking and nutrition) and helped it seem more like a work project and not -- again -- something that went to my worth as a person. Yet having success did help me feel better about myself, too.

I hope some of this helps.

One main thing I've learned is that motivation has to come from taking a good, honest look at WHY you want to lose weight. I knew I needed to lose weight, my doctor told me that, and I did try several times but always gave up. I now know part of that issues with depression, but a lot of it was that I was severely limiting myself in what I ate and did. So, I would burn out after a month or so, fall of the wagon, and feel even worse. It wasn't until I got our wedding pictures back that I realized how much I had gained. I look fat in them. I didn't want that anymore. About that time I found MFP and reading about how people lost weight with just watching their calories gave me a path to try, and not wanting to look like I did in those pictures is what provided the motivation. It wasn't until I developed my OWN reason for losing weight did I get the motivation to stay on track.

Here's the thing: You're not perfect. You will make mistakes. There will be days where you find out what you ate is more than what it should have been, unexpected dinners out, that kind of thing. Just because you go over one day is not going to sabotage you or make you a failure. It makes you human. Just log it and start fresh next day. Hell, I still have *kitten* it days where I eat what I want because I'm feeling bad or I'm sick. I log it and start over the next day. Once I learned that, it became a LOT easier!

You also don't have to jump in with starting EVERYTHING at once! I had to start slow. I logged for a couple of weeks to get my baseline and find the patterns I needed to change, and then started with changing one thing: swapping out soda for unsweet tea with Equal. Once I got used to that, I changed something else. Start by changing one or two things at a time and giving yourself time to get used to them. It's much slower, but by building on that, it's much easier to maintain. Something else you can try is to make smaller goals. You'll have your big goal of X number of pounds to get to, but if it's a lot, it's hard to keep going sometimes. So make milestone goals within that. Say, aim for 10 pounds. Making those small goals happen will give you a sense of accomplishment and that helps keep you going.

Exercise is another thing you can start slow. It's not NEEDED for weight loss, though it can help. Most of my weight was done without exercise! So if that's hard for you to get started into, don't worry about it right now. Focus on adjusting your calories in, and when you get to a more comfortable place, start adding something. Walking is easy to add. Go outside, walk in a random direction for 10 minutes, turn and walk back. Congrats, you just took a 20 minute walk! Doesn't have to be fast, doesn't have to be far. Just focus actually DOING it, and after a few walks, try increasing your pace or add a couple minutes each way. Eventually, you'll be in better shape to add more if you want to. I don't, I've finally gotten to a point where I can take a walk with my husband, so I do to try and get my asthma under control. I don't plan on adding any other exercise or weights or anything like that, so don't feel obligated to do so if you don't want to.

OP: i hope this doesn't sound harsh, but if you think that you need to solve your depression and other problems to lose weight, it's not going to happen. Those problems are really hard and not entirely in your control. Weight loss is entirely in your control and comparatively easy. And once you succeed, you have done something important to feel good about. That's a particularly sweet victory for us depressives.

You don't lose weight because you have a pidiyive attitude and believe I can. You lost wright because you log your food, establish a calorie plan, and follow it each and every day.

SW 301
CW 196
GW 150

Not to get all Stuart Smalley on you, but know that you are worth it. Celebrate your success and know that each failure is nothing more than the learning process. We seek progress, not perfection.

Are there triggers (events, people) that initiate these thoughts? Can you avoid these or eliminate them from your life?

I have hypothyroidism and went through a bit of PTSD, mostly survivor guilt and it took me a long time to identify it and turn it into growth. This is one of the tremendous benefits of the anonymity of internet friends as it can be easier to discuss these issues.

One of the keys that helped me was identifying "heroes" - people like Amanda Sullivan who just do not quit.

NickieLR wrote: »

dubird wrote: »

I will say this, if you have true clinical depression, that's not something that goes away. Losing weight won't make it go away, working on a positive attitude won't make it go away. Being depressed about being overweight or bad things happening in your life is one thing. That's normal and just a part of life. Sometimes it can be hard to shake, espically if you don't have a good support group to help, but it will pass. But clinical depression is where there's something in your brain that isn't working properly and that doesn't just go away. Meds should be a last resort, but that's where I ended up having to go because nothing else worked. You need to talk to your doctor and get things like that on record so if there's a pattern, they can spot it and help. There are also usually some kind of free or low cost therapy programs, espically in large metro areas that you can use. Do some research and find what's available in your area. It may be that you just need a hand getting yourself back on your feet emotionally, and if so, that's great. But if it's more than that, you're not doing yourself any favors ignoring it.

Hi dubird. I don't think I have clinical depression. And I apologize to anyone who thought I may have been implying that I do. My mom has clinical depression, and I realize it is nothing like that. I do believe I have some very depressive states that are hard to shake and some emotional issues at times. But I think they are things that will go away with introspection and support. I really shouldn't throw around the word depression so lightly, I hope I am not being offensive. I have trouble describing it any other way. Thank you for your post! It is very thoughtful.

I honestly hope you don't! And no, I don't think you're being offensive. Being depressed is a valid emotion, it's just not the same thing as clinical depression, a distinction a lot of people don't realize. But be aware that not everyone experiences depression the same way and it can run in families. However, I think your plan of trying other things is the best course to try. So many people go through a bad time and say 'oh, i must be depressed!' and go look for a 'happy pill' to make it better. And, sadly, there are many doctors that will do that. I think you're going about this the right way and try everything you can to not resort to meds. I would still talk to your doctor about it just to get a second eye on how you're feeling. Plus, he/she might know of a support group that will help you out as well. I hope you can get on the track you need! ^_^

NickieLR wrote: »

robertw486 wrote: »

There are often free or reduced price resources for counseling on the local level, usually though the Community Services Boards. Between your first post and the above one, you've identified things you want to change, so that puts you several steps ahead of those that still haven't identified such things. The positive attitude shown above gives insight that you DO have some motivation that you may struggle to see, but it's there.

Give yourself some credit for seeing your strengths and weaknesses as a human being and figure out your plan from there. You're a beautiful young woman with most of your life still ahead of you, and you have all the time you choose to take to get to that place you want to be.

As for being emotional, that's not a bad thing. Be mindful of the positives it might bring to you. I learned at a seminar for gifted children (our daughter is very bright) that it is a common trend both among gifted children and children often diagnosed as ADHD. The major difference is in how they harness those emotions. There are a number of character traits with similar trends that apply to adults as well.


I went though a period with a toxic mix of very high stress levels, anxiety, and some PTSD issues. For me, going out for some exercise was one of the few things I had complete control over at the time and helped me clear my head and put other things in perspective as I worked them out. That might or might not work for you, but you have identified the path you want or need to take. You just have to start walking on that path, and figure out if it's leading you where you want to go.

You put things so eloquently I don't really know what to say! I do think re-examining my attitude towards weight loss may help me. Because often I don't feel in control of that. The truth is though that I can control that. It's also difficult at times to see my emotional personality as a positive thing. I've leaned over the years to accept it more, so that's a start. You are very much an inspiration and seem so warm hearted! I really appreciate your comment.

You are showing some of that inner self above. You KNOW you can control your weight. If you struggle to do it, just examine why and press on. Once you have some victories, it results in a confidence boost and some other tasks get easier as well.

As for personality traits, view them in a mindful way. In a nutshell, it is what it is. Sometimes it's really easy for us as humans to want to classify everything as good or bad, when in fact it just is.