Settings rule for a teenager
LKArgh
Posts: 5,178 Member
My oldest has entered puberty this last year, and her appetite has grown as well as her height. She never was very thin, but managed to stay in the upper range of healthy weight, until now. These last months she has crossed the line to overweight. There was also a big growth spurt, so for sure increased appetite was very real, but the result is she currently is chubby. Which she does not like, especially since all the weight is accumulated in her tummy, and is defnitely not healthy either.
We are eating very little junk food, almost all meals and treats are homemade, there are few packaged things, and in general we go for whole grain, vegetable oils, lots of fish, lean meats, fruit etc. So, it is not so much a matter of quality, she is not eating super calorie dense food, but she is eating too much.
Actually, she is eating normal to small actual meal portions, but keeps getting back to the kitchen to snack.
We usually also have some treats, like homemade cake or biscuits etc, served for breakfast one portion at a time, but I have noticed she tends to go back and nibble on these things. She used to do the same with cereal, so I had to stop buying them.
We have talked about healthy foods and healthy portions a lot, especially since her younger brother has a health issue that needs monitoring of certain foods. But she still ends up to going back to the kitchen and nibbling. And of course gets upset when reminded it is healthier to just get a plate, fill it with normal food and eat it.
She is into martial arts, so she gets physical exercise and pretty intense too, and since she has noticed she has put on weight, I see she is very careful to not miss practice. Realistically increasing physical activities even more is not an option, or she should have to miss other things she loves.
I cannot empty the house from everything but lettuce and apples, since (1) we have other kids and they are not overweight (one is underweight actually) and (2) I believe that complete deprivation would just end up in terrible eating habits later in life.
I would not want her to put on more weight, but I do not want her to hate her body either. She is a bit shorter than me, and was trying a pair of my skinny jeans a few days ago, and realised she has a muffin top wearing them, while they are a bit loose on me, and she was really upset. I told her we all have different body types, and where something might be tight on my butt it will be tight on her middle. We have talked about increased appetite as she grows taller every week and how snacking is not a good habit as a lot of food adds up this way, but she seems to forget after a few days.
Any ideas?
We are eating very little junk food, almost all meals and treats are homemade, there are few packaged things, and in general we go for whole grain, vegetable oils, lots of fish, lean meats, fruit etc. So, it is not so much a matter of quality, she is not eating super calorie dense food, but she is eating too much.
Actually, she is eating normal to small actual meal portions, but keeps getting back to the kitchen to snack.
We usually also have some treats, like homemade cake or biscuits etc, served for breakfast one portion at a time, but I have noticed she tends to go back and nibble on these things. She used to do the same with cereal, so I had to stop buying them.
We have talked about healthy foods and healthy portions a lot, especially since her younger brother has a health issue that needs monitoring of certain foods. But she still ends up to going back to the kitchen and nibbling. And of course gets upset when reminded it is healthier to just get a plate, fill it with normal food and eat it.
She is into martial arts, so she gets physical exercise and pretty intense too, and since she has noticed she has put on weight, I see she is very careful to not miss practice. Realistically increasing physical activities even more is not an option, or she should have to miss other things she loves.
I cannot empty the house from everything but lettuce and apples, since (1) we have other kids and they are not overweight (one is underweight actually) and (2) I believe that complete deprivation would just end up in terrible eating habits later in life.
I would not want her to put on more weight, but I do not want her to hate her body either. She is a bit shorter than me, and was trying a pair of my skinny jeans a few days ago, and realised she has a muffin top wearing them, while they are a bit loose on me, and she was really upset. I told her we all have different body types, and where something might be tight on my butt it will be tight on her middle. We have talked about increased appetite as she grows taller every week and how snacking is not a good habit as a lot of food adds up this way, but she seems to forget after a few days.
Any ideas?
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Replies
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It sounds like you're already doing great things - serving nourishing food, not singling her out from your other children, she's physically active regularly.
I think it's really important to remember that she's still growing. Some kids are lanky and gangly then fill out, others are chubby and then get taller. Puberty is not kind and does keep things even unfortunately! It sounds like she's already very conscious of how she looks. I developed early and was curvier than many other girls and I felt excruciatingly embarrassed. I still felt huge even as I got into my late teens but when I look back I was slender. It was the beginning of a lifetime of self-esteem issues. It didn't help that my mother had a totally different body type and is to this day very petite and barely weighs 50kg. She tried to monitor my eating and all it did was create a sense of shame and an ability to eat from the cupboards silently so she didn't hear. We also had exceptionally healthy food in the house, my mother was very anti-junk. While this has had a positive impact on my palate and cooking ability, it also created a 'good food vs bad food' dichotomy which did not serve me well once I lived on my own and could purchase 'bad food'
Keep the focus on health - what foods nourish us and which don't add so much, how physical activity makes us feel great etc. And also there's nothing wrong with snacking. Some people prefer to graze - just provide healthy options for her to snack on. And also she's still very young, there are worse things in life than being overweight for a few months during puberty. I'd suggest developing disordered eating behaviour is worse. I struggle with it to this day and I'd really rather not. It's very possible things will even out and even if they don't it won't be something you can ultimately control.0 -
This is the time in her life she needs to start making these decisions for herself. Continue having a variety of different foods available and model consciencous eating.
When she really wants to adjust her eating habits, she will.
Just be there to support her in the ways she wants you to.0 -
Be very gentle with her about her eating. The relationship I have with my mother has not recovered from how we interacted during my early adolescence.
Perhaps suggest to her that you assist her in cooking some meals.
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It sounds like you are already doing so many positive things in order to aid her weight loss. I agree with the other posters - she is at an age where ultimately, it's down to her to want to make changes. I was a very overweight teenager because I chose to snack. My mum would cook such healthy meals and I'd happily eat them but she couldn't lock me out of cupboards or physically restrain from me eating - that was my choice and I decided to eat more than I should have. My mum continued to cook and encourage healthy foods but I was too old for her to be feeding me and dictating what I could and could not have. My mum did notice my weight gain but I wasn't prepared to make any changes or let it bother me so I continued my habits. It wasn't until I was around 16 that I decided I didn't like my habits and I didn't like being bigger than my friends - I started educating myself on healthy snacks and gradually starting discovering my willpower. In my opinion, 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink' - the same applies. Just continue to be the awesome mum that you are and be there if she ever needs your guidance 0
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You've answered your own question. She's growing. She's growing upwards and where exactly do people think boobs and butts come from? Not from nowhere.
It's quite possible that this is temporary, and her body will even out. Please stop bugging her about the snacking and how she should be eating "healthy" foods. It won't be helping matters.0 -
Agree with the above - sometimes growth spurts happen out of sequence- extra fat, then height.
Maybe instead of driving the message about food you look at why she's snacking? What is she doing during those times where she reaches for a snack? Bored in front is the TV and needs something better to do? Looking for a distraction from homework and needs some ideas on alternative ways to take a break? Maybe there's another angle to look at all together.0 -
You should really lay off critiques and monitoring of her eating and her weight. I know you're thinking of her health but what you're doing will backfire and may give her eating issues/body issues, which of course isn't your goal! Puberty growth does happen in irregular ways.... this means that some girls gain weight before they gain height. It does not at this early stage mean that she is eating too much or getting chubby in the way an adult gets chubby. So wait it out, without nagging her about how she looks, what she weighs, or what she eats. Because it may simply be her body preparing to grow. Also, just entering puberty means being self conscious. The way to increase that self consciousness and increase body issues is to focus on her weight gain. So keep healthy foods in the house, easy healthy snacks, cook healthy meals- all the things you do. If really concerned and convinced it's a health issue and not puberty, call her pediatrician. Any attempt to keep a young teen from gaining weight during puberty should be done with a Dr's okay, as some weight gain is actually important. And the Dr could give you helpful ways to go about it, if weight control is necessary for your daughter.0
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I think you are on the right track. Is she exercising. You can help her with finding activities that she enjoys so she isn't eating her feelings or eating when she is bored.0
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Have you spoken privately to her doctor?0
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I have the same kind of situation here. I thought that by doing it as a family project that we would be successful together. Instead she resents the hell out of me. I have become 'kitchen cop' and I hate it. It is hard enough to do it myself. Dragging 2 extra people along with me makes me very sad.
We have had all the portion, serving conversations but the second she finishes eating she is complaining that she is hungry.
Very recently we have had the conversation that she is too old for me to be monitoring her at all. The worst part is that I would love a partner. Someone to row the boat with me. Thinking now that I am just going to have to deal with living with a binge eater. So hard living with an addict like this when you are in recovery.0 -
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Amberonamission wrote: »Thinking now that I am just going to have to deal with living with a binge eater. So hard living with an addict like this when you are in recovery.
Is there any chance that you are projecting your feelings about food onto her?
I was not an overweight teen, but my mom was uncomfortable with my body development and need for calories while I was growing, and she screamed and yelled at me for having a sweet tooth- told me something was wrong with me. I didn't weigh 100 lbs until I was 17, and I ended up 5'10".
If you are really worried, talk to her doctor without her there to find out what is normal.0 -
It sounds to me like you've done a good job of getting her on the right track. She knows what to do and sees you modeling it, and it's up to her to make good choices.
I think talking to her doctor to see what he/she recommends would be a good next step. Getting another opinion on the situation could be very helpful
Plus, if the doctor thinks something should change, he/she could be the one to pass that on to your daughter and she may be more receptive to what the doctor has to say than you.
~Lyssa0 -
Don't forget that even if she had what others might consider the perfect body, teenagers still tend to be self conscious. Try to focus on what you can do to help that - not necessarily by consuming less calories but just an overall positive body image. I don't understand the deal with nibbling on biscuits and cakes after meal time (I know I would). You state that one portion at a time is made, but there's still left overs? Nothing wrong with left overs, tbh. I just don't fully understand it
I do suggest you lay off the healthy snack coaching for a while. Just make it readily available, and yummy and hopefully she chooses it. If you make all her food, play with protein, fat, carb, veggie and fiber content and see if some meals tend to leave her more satisfied than others. And yes, please have a quick chat with the pediatrician.
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Amberonamission wrote: »Thinking now that I am just going to have to deal with living with a binge eater. So hard living with an addict like this when you are in recovery.
Is there any chance that you are projecting your feelings about food onto her?
I was not an overweight teen, but my mom was uncomfortable with my body development and need for calories while I was growing, and she screamed and yelled at me for having a sweet tooth- told me something was wrong with me. I didn't weigh 100 lbs until I was 17, and I ended up 5'10".
If you are really worried, talk to her doctor without her there to find out what is normal.
Same.
My mother would yell at me that I "couldn't be hungry." Really screwed me up on trusting my own hunger. 0 -
Bump, going to read this later on ( I'm going through the same exact situation except mine is a male child ) he's always hungry, no matter what I feed him and I don't want to have to put locks on the cabinets . (hes grown several inches this month but also put on a lot of weight) i currently I have a bowl of " anytime " snacks , apples, orange, or Clementine and everything else must be asked for. But it certainly isn't working.0
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As a picked on by parents child who ate to punish themselves and myself please just shut up about food, diets and portion control as your help could possibly make things worse. Edited to say your heart is in the right place but as a teen you seriously don't need a battle at home as well as everywhere else.0
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My daughter was in the 100 percentile since birth. I always tried to be gentle with my advice. But, who wants to hear that, no matter how gentile? We've always only had whole foods and homemade with the occasional treat. But, she's a snacker too. She's 15 this year and I faced the fact that healthy foods or not, we were both eating too much and I would never get anywhere nagging her, especially if I am fat too! So I convinced her that we should both get MFP and track exactly how much we eat. We ran her MFP recommendations by her ped and started tracking. We did not change anything about the foods we eat. She was SO surprised, as many people are, at how much she was taking in and it just clicked. No nagging whatsoever. We've both, to date since June, lost 20 lbs. She is ecstatic and inspired to live in a new way. I'm pretty pleased myself. Good luck with your daughter. 0
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I want to share my experience as a once chubby 13 year old girl. Although my mother denies it now, she would make comments about my weight in attempt to motivate me into weightloss. I wasn't even all that overweight. Just enough for me to notice. But her comments began to fester and I ended up with all kinds of disordered eating habits, which eventually turned into bulimia. Come to find out, my body filled into my height and I ended up fine.
You are already providing your daughter with necessary tools for healthy eating. She is young, but not stupid. An overbearing concern about her weight can fester in the same way, and her issue may be just linked with that awkward puberty age. As others said, just continue what you are doing by keeping healthy snacks around while educating her on nutrition, but don't let her begin to think that her weight is that important right now. I can assure you, she is most likely very aware of her size. Just continue to be nurturing.0 -
Just want to add in, my mother is the sweetest ever, but I was in your daughter's same situation, and her gentle urging me to watch my intake literally only resulted in secret binging. The teenage years are when you push away from your parents to establish your own personality - more rules lead to more pushing. I didn't even have fights with my mom, just kept more stuff from her. IMHO keep the rules to a minimum and save it for important stuff like being safe and being successful in school etc. Being part of a family that eats healthfully and encourages activity (as yours seems to) is an excellent base! Keep it up and maybe when/if she wants to watch her portions she'll open up to you for guidance.0
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I don't really understand all the negative posts here... her daughter said that it bothers her. How can OP help her if she's not supposed to talk about it?
OP, I second sparkteens and talking about her to her pediatrician. I was a fat teenager, so I don't believe in the whole 'oh she'll grow out of it' stuff (I was mostly at my current height at 14, so if I grew at all, it was sideways). My mom never cared and let me eat everything I wanted, so kudos to you for trying to help her.
And yeah, always have cut fruit and veggies, yogurts etc available for her to snack on. And I'd cut the homemade treats to week ends only or something, or make it clear that there's only a certain amount and it's supposed to last x numbers of days so it's only for breakfast.0 -
...We are eating very little junk food, almost all meals and treats are homemade, there are few packaged things, and in general we go for whole grain, vegetable oils, lots of fish, lean meats, fruit etc. So, it is not so much a matter of quality, she is not eating super calorie dense food, but she is eating too much.
Actually, she is eating normal to small actual meal portions, but keeps getting back to the kitchen to snack.
We usually also have some treats, like homemade cake or biscuits etc, served for breakfast one portion at a time, but I have noticed she tends to go back and nibble on these things. She used to do the same with cereal, so I had to stop buying them...Any ideas?
What exactly is she having for breakfast before the treats? The only time I can eat foods like cake and biscuits without being triggered to keep snacking is at night after dinner.
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I think she's done enough talking that now the kid knows, and more talking will just border on nagging. Even with an adult, not every complaint about a fat day is invitation for talk about healthy eating...0
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kshama2001 wrote: »...We are eating very little junk food, almost all meals and treats are homemade, there are few packaged things, and in general we go for whole grain, vegetable oils, lots of fish, lean meats, fruit etc. So, it is not so much a matter of quality, she is not eating super calorie dense food, but she is eating too much.
Actually, she is eating normal to small actual meal portions, but keeps getting back to the kitchen to snack.
We usually also have some treats, like homemade cake or biscuits etc, served for breakfast one portion at a time, but I have noticed she tends to go back and nibble on these things. She used to do the same with cereal, so I had to stop buying them...Any ideas?
What exactly is she having for breakfast before the treats? The only time I can eat foods like cake and biscuits without being triggered to keep snacking is at night after dinner.
This. I can't have cake for breakfast (although yeah, I did as a teen, but then I was munching all day too). Try to give her something with more protein.0 -
Amberonamission wrote: »Thinking now that I am just going to have to deal with living with a binge eater. So hard living with an addict like this when you are in recovery.
Is there any chance that you are projecting your feelings about food onto her?
I was not an overweight teen, but my mom was uncomfortable with my body development and need for calories while I was growing, and she screamed and yelled at me for having a sweet tooth- told me something was wrong with me. I didn't weigh 100 lbs until I was 17, and I ended up 5'10".
If you are really worried, talk to her doctor without her there to find out what is normal.
Same. My mother would yell at me that I "couldn't be hungry." Really screwed me up on trusting my own hunger.
I was apparently "becoming diabetic" for having too much of a sweet tooth.
I really don't have a bigger sweet tooth than the average person, probably a little less, but she got so angry about it.0 -
I agree with the others that as a teenager she needs to be making her own choices.
IME it never, ever works out to try to "food police" someone else. Not in food choices or portions. It's a no win situation for both parties.
Keep doing what you're doing -- provide healthy choices and set a good example.0 -
I just want to toss in a recommendation for sparkteens.com/. It's like MFP but specifically for teens, and the recommendations and suggestions are fine-tuned for young people who are still growing.
Parents can get some good tips there, and if they want to sign up for it themselves, the boards and various support groups provide a positive environment that the kids can call their own.
Thank you, I will look into this0 -
Amberonamission wrote: »Thinking now that I am just going to have to deal with living with a binge eater. So hard living with an addict like this when you are in recovery.
Is there any chance that you are projecting your feelings about food onto her?
I was not an overweight teen, but my mom was uncomfortable with my body development and need for calories while I was growing, and she screamed and yelled at me for having a sweet tooth- told me something was wrong with me. I didn't weigh 100 lbs until I was 17, and I ended up 5'10".
If you are really worried, talk to her doctor without her there to find out what is normal.
I have never been ovwerweight, except perhaps as a young child (which I did not know or care about), so I do not think so.
Her dr is concerned and have talked to her and me about avoiding junk food, but since junk food is not the issue, she has no ideas. She did encourage her to snack on fruit and vegetables, but I doubt there are many teenagers who would willingly gnaw on a carrot if there is anything else edible in the house.0 -
I have never yelled at mine nor told her she was any less than beautiful. But, she is made fun of and it hurts her. teenagers are so mean. She also has personal athletic goals that I have attempted to help her with.
My point was that she is old enough to handle her own business.0 -
Just voicing my opinion, but I don't think policing her food consumption is a bad thing. As a child or teenager, I never had totally free access to the kitchen. For water or squash, yes, but almost everything else had to be asked for. If we asked for fruit or milk, the answer was almost always yes, but I was very used to being told no if I wanted crisps, chocolate, biscuits, ice cream, jam on toast, or lemonade. I never took that as a reflection on my weight, but more that it was my parents who bought the food for the family so it's not acceptable for me to just help myself without checking, and some foods you don't need to have every day.
Surely as a parent, you can exercise the right to tell her to leave palatable foods like home made biscuits or moreish cereals alone, because they're for everyone and they need to last? I guess that's harder if it's a change of the rules in your house.
You obviously promote exercise and a healthy body image, which is great. From the sounds of it, if she's in early puberty, it's not uncommon for girls to put on a little puppy fat which they then lose as they grow upward and also develop more adult bodies. I certainly did - I was a little chubby 12-14, then lost a little weight 15-16 when I had my last growth spurt. My brother was the same.0
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