husband complaint
running_mom
Posts: 204 Member
So my husband has not at all been supportive of me in my weight loss. I admit I let myself go and it has taken way to long to get the weight off from my pregnancies. I'm 5 2 and 135 (not too bad but not good either).
But, he asked me why I never remember when he compliments me. I was honest (and kind of a a *****) and told him because for the last 5 years all that he's ever said was how fat and gross I was. And how he's embarassed to be seen with me. The closest thing to a compliement that I can remember him saying is that I have potential.
But, the other night he was drinking (a lot) and said that I looked good and I need to keep it up. Finally some progress right? Here's my question... Why does he only say it when he's drunk? When you drink is it the real truth because there's no filter?
But, he asked me why I never remember when he compliments me. I was honest (and kind of a a *****) and told him because for the last 5 years all that he's ever said was how fat and gross I was. And how he's embarassed to be seen with me. The closest thing to a compliement that I can remember him saying is that I have potential.
But, the other night he was drinking (a lot) and said that I looked good and I need to keep it up. Finally some progress right? Here's my question... Why does he only say it when he's drunk? When you drink is it the real truth because there's no filter?
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Replies
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My question for you is, why would you be with someone who called you names like that? What disrespect that is to you. I see you have kids, which makes it even worse. They don't need to grow up and hear that kind of talk. Total BS!0
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Sounds like you need to ditch the husband. If my husband ever talked that way to me...under any circumstance, he would be gone. I have daughters. A man who is willing to degrade his wife or any woman, for that matter, belongs some place dark and alone. If someone talked to your daughter that way, you would be searching for physical restraint. Period. So why would you allow someone to talk to you that way? .....0
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I would ask him that question the next day when he hasn't been drinking; "honey, why is it that you only compliment my weight loss when you're buzzed" or something like that.
I would also go on to explain to him that you are doing this not only for your looks but your health and to be around for him and your kids as you all grow older together.
Men sometimes have a hard time coping when their women want to lose weight. They sometimes take it as a threat or a "preparation to leave" move. That's on them NOT YOU. What kind of shape is he in ...
Tell him you'd appreciate sober compliments too
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My question for you is, why would you be with someone who called you names like that? What disrespect that is to you. I see you have kids, which makes it even worse. They don't need to grow up and hear that kind of talk. Total BS!
Exactly!0 -
Seriously if my hubby ever told me I was fat and gross he would not have his balls. And I AM fat and gross....but he tells me how beautiful I am almost every day.0
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I'm so sorry your husband has been so awful with his words to you. I don't know why it's so hard for other people to be supportive. It's especially difficult for us when the people who we are the closest with aren't supportive. I really do think it's awful that he said some of the things he said, and I wish he was being more supportive, but just remember you have to do this for you and no one else. Hopefully other people will notice, and you have to watch out for those NSV's! They're difinite confidence boosters! It sounds like you're doing great! Keep it up!0
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My question for you is, why would you be with someone who called you names like that? What disrespect that is to you. I see you have kids, which makes it even worse. They don't need to grow up and hear that kind of talk. Total BS!
I agree. However, at this point in time, you are choosing to stay in this situation. I would count your husband as a negative impact on your healthy lifestyle change and discount/ignore anything he says. Get your support from this site and friends who truly love and respect you for you- no matter what your weight. True support comes because people are supporting your decision to make the change. Support is NOT given so your husband/friend/whoever will look better being with you.0 -
Wow!!! If at 135 and 5'2 -- my hubbie complained that I was fat and gross -- they'd be scraping his remains out of a wood chipper.
As for drunk and telling the truth -- some people think that's the case....0 -
I'm going to hold my tongue on the relationship advice only because you didn't ask for that (however, I agree with carlfry). I would guess that your husband probably has a pretty poor self-image and low self-esteem. He probably feels threatened by you.0
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Seriously if my hubby ever told me I was fat and gross he would not have his balls.
AMEN!!0 -
wow honey, I am so sorry. I am 5'2" 140 and husband thinks I'm damn sexy. I'm sure you are as well at 135!! I wanna be 125, so Im not saying don't lose weight. I'm saying there's no way in hell you could be gross at that size. The gross thing is his words to you!! Sounds like he may be insecure and wants to put you down so you won't leave his *kitten*. I am sorry you go through that. I know you love him, so I don't wanna just bash him. But, you should at least ignore his rude, untrue, and disrespectful comments if you are going to stay with him, because if you don't, you will be depressed all the time. With men like that, even if you lose the weight, it'll probably be something else he rags on you about, because the problem lies with HIM not YOU.
Now to answer your question, normally people tell the truth while drunk, but with drunk people can you ever really predict or guess what they're thinking?? They ARE drunk! lol... I'm sorry sweetie. I know one thing, from your profile pic you have two very precious children that need their mom at their best. That means emotionally, not just physically. Hope you two can work through things. Keep your head up0 -
I agree completely!!I would ask him that question the next day when he hasn't been drinking; "honey, why is it that you only compliment my weight loss when you're buzzed" or something like that.
I would also go on to explain to him that you are doing this not only for your looks but your health and to be around for him and your kids as you all grow older together.
Men sometimes have a hard time coping when their women want to lose weight. They sometimes take it as a threat or a "preparation to leave" move. That's on them NOT YOU. What kind of shape is he in ...
Tell him you'd appreciate sober compliments too0 -
Wow. Not cool at all. He should love u and the way u look no matter what. Sure we all let ourselves go but your spouse is supposed to be your number one support.
I hope he wakes up and realizes what he has before he starts bashing u. 0 -
Even at my heaviest (181 lbs), my husband NEVER ONCE called me fat. I feel sorry for you that your husband is not supportive of your efforts. I cannot imagine feeling like my husband did not want to be seen with me in public. My husband is my biggest supporter and even changed his eating habits to match mine in order to make my weight loss easier. I hope your hubby wakes up and sees what he has before it's too late.0
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wow... this man must not feel too good about himself, at all! I feel that he is worried if he compliments you, it will make you feel better than he does. He is miserable about something. No married man that says those sorts of things to his wife is ever happy. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. But if you continue to allow his behavior (yes, you are allowing it by not doing something about it) you are sending not only HIM the message that it is okay, but you are sending the message to your children that it is ok to be with someone who talks to you that way. I hope you do not think I am patronizing you, but oftentimes when we have been in a situation too long (ie, a marriage) we do not see just how bad it's gotten. that being said, good job on pursuing your fitness, and rely on US to tell you how amazing you are, if your hubby won't.0
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I am so sorry to hear that. I hate that you're having to deal with the verbal abuse from him while trying to better yourself.
I'm your same height, but weigh much more. I'm trying to lose the weight, but have NEVER heard from my husband that I'm gross or that he doesn't want to be seen in public with me.
In a strange way, I do think that drinking makes you honest. But he should really be saying it all the time if he cares about you and your family.
Hope everything works out, vbrach15.0 -
Sounds like you need to ditch the husband. If my husband ever talked that way to me...under any circumstance, he would be gone. I have daughters. A man who is willing to degrade his wife or any woman, for that matter, belongs some place dark and alone. If someone talked to your daughter that way, you would be searching for physical restraint. Period. So why would you allow someone to talk to you that way? .....
I agree! What you wrote took my breath away! I'm sorry you are married to a pig!0 -
do me a huge favor k? next time he says you fat or gross or that he's embarrassed to be seen with you smack the s*** out of him and tell him it's from me! he shouldn't be saying that anyway! and might i add, even though i haven't seen you (in pics or anything) but i'm 5'1" and my goal weight is 130 so absolutely NO ONE should be telling you that you need to lose weight. right now i'm 151 and no one thinks i need to lose weight so yeah seriously... tell him to STFU if nothing else.0
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Some men have a hard time with compliments. However, I would wonder about the being told you are too fat to be seen with comments. My husband would have no room to talk, as he is also overweight, but after I told him outright that I needed him to compliment me when he notices progress (and not just more flexability in bed:blushing: ). He's gotten better. Still not the man in the movies, but hey its progress. I think you two need to work on communication.0
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5'2" and 135 is a perfect respectable weight to be at. Of course you could lose 20lbs and still not be underweight for your height, but you could also gain another 5 and not be overweight for your height. You may not be at the weight you were when you guys got married, but after 5 years and 2 babies there are going to be changes.
That being said, I'm sorry your husband is bad with compliments (we all have our flaws) some men just aren't as good with compliments and words of affirmation as others. Does he compliment you on other things? How you do things for the kids? Things you do around the house? How you handle the in-laws or co-workers? If he doesn't it would be my guess that he's just really bad with words and getting a buzz makes him better at them.
It sucks, I know, but chin up and smile, lovey. Tell him what you need from him (our men can be quite dense a lot of the time unless we spell things out for them). You should also read "5 love languages" its a really interesting book and made me understand why my husband does things like that a lot more. Keep up the good work on trying to get more in shape. You can do it!! 0 -
I think your hubby needs a reality check! Maybe in some, twisted, idiotic way, he thinks by saying those horrible things will encourage and motivate you, when in reality he is hurting you and is too blind to realise what a mistake he is making. Sit him down and tell him what a pratt he is being.
Or, he just is a bloody idiot and needs kicking to the curb!0 -
The thing is I think that way about myself too. Even without him saying those things. When I was in high school I took diet pills and pretty much starved myself. And trust me what he says goes in one ear and out the other. I'm pretty good at ignoring him. the reason why Im upset is that it's like he puts up a front about what he thinks about me. He says nice thing about me to his friends and family just not to me. I wonder if he's trying to do reverse pshycology on me? Or if he's insecure about his body0
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135 and 5'2" is a good weight... Especially after having children. I would say that you are probably looking smoking hot.
If I were you I would tell him to put a sock in it... And, if he doesn't have anything nice to say - Then he shouldn't say anything at all. Try to stay positive... Think about the other people in your life that give you compliments and thrive on those... Remember that you are doing something good for YOU - Not him.
Keep up the good work!
Kait
p.s. Everyone telling you to ditch your husband... Don't take that to personally. He sounds like an a**. But if you love him... then you love him. Make your own choices; you are your own woman.0 -
To MommaLisa21....That is man worth keeping around!!! lots a luv!0
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wow. i'm 5'2" and 137. and my hubby tells me everyday how beautiful and sexy i am. and i have a flabby csection tummy. so i dont see it at all. your husband doesnt sound very supportive of you. and doesnt sound like a healthy environment for you or your children. as far as compliments when drunk, my mom always told me that drinking brings out the truth. ppl dont edit themselves when drunk for the most part. maybe his own insecurities with himself make him bring you down when he's sober. like the whole mean girls in high school mentality. either way, not all men are like this. nor do you deserve this treatment. your kids will eventually see it. and i'm speaking from experience, its a very hard thing to listen to and see your parents fight and say harsh things to each other.0
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We all want to tell you to LEAVE THAT SOB... I would love to offer to come help you whuuuuuppppp his AZZZZ! if you were my sister i would have long ago set that straight.. but now it seems he has beaten you down, Love. I pray to God you are doing this for you. You deserve someone who kisses all your rolls and stretch marks and says Thank you for bearing my kids. He's an *kitten*-wipe. I know you love him.. but I dont. Let me say this.. it wont change and you are teaching your babies its ok... People with his tendencies generally dont stop at words.. I will say he has some insecurities. BIG TIME!!!!!! i dont know you and I think you are awesome and amazing because I would have got him soooo drunk and beat the crap out of him and when he came to, myself and the kids and his wallet would have been gone!!!! but truly ......love yourself.. Its clear something is amiss. and dont ask why he only says it when he's drunk. ask yourself why do you expect more from him?0
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My question for you is, why would you be with someone who called you names like that? What disrespect that is to you. I see you have kids, which makes it even worse. They don't need to grow up and hear that kind of talk. Total BS!
Agreed, but walking out of an otherwise healthy relationship (if it is) is not great role modeling either. Children need to see conflict and need to see appropriate and healthy ways to deal with it. These are life skills that they will use for the rest of their lives. Your children should see that you are strong as a couple and that you will make every healthy attempt to overcome issues.
With that said, maybe he was listening to your complaint and internalized it. Alcohol fuels emotions so he was prob really just loving you and wanted to show it.
I would not mention the fact that he compliments you only when intoxicated. Instead I would be more proactive. I would say "Honey, you know when you complimented me the other day? It made me feel really good and it motivates me to keep pushing harder. Thank you." It will acknowledge what he said, how it benefited you, and open the door to say those kinds of things when he is sober (it may be difficult for him to do until he becomes more comfortable with complimenting you). Then compliment him every once in a while, and you kids. Make it a family effort to encourage each other.
Don't forget to take the compliment and enjoy it. You have earned it. 0 -
The thing is I think that way about myself too. Even without him saying those things. When I was in high school I took diet pills and pretty much starved myself. And trust me what he says goes in one ear and out the other. I'm pretty good at ignoring him. the reason why Im upset is that it's like he puts up a front about what he thinks about me. He says nice thing about me to his friends and family just not to me. I wonder if he's trying to do reverse pshycology on me? Or if he's insecure about his body
I do not think that it is reverse psychology. He is a MAN... men do not necessarily know what affects us. He may not even realize what he is doing... Raz on him about something for awhile. When he brings it up... Tell him why you did it and point out that perhaps now he knows how you feel.
I think that he says nice things to friends/family says a lot right there. He love you and is proud of you.... He probably just does not know how to express it to you. I think you should honestly have a one on one chat with the man. He needs to know how you feel. Set it up - Neutral ground and both decide together before you talk that you wont get defensive.
Man, do I sound like Dr. Phil or what...
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He's a jerk, you're deep in denial. I honestly hope you get some help beyond this board. You really need it. How long do you think it's going to before your kids hear and understand him saying things like that to you. If you can't find the strength to get help for yourself, do it for your babies.0
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I can't imagine ever talking to my wife in that manner.0
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