How to Lie on Your Food Logging and Still Feel Righteous

desweds
desweds Posts: 126 Member
Hello MFPer's!

My Number One Most Important Secret to not losing weight is lying to myself on my food logs. However, lying on your food log and KNOWING you're lying is useless! That just makes you feel bad - and then you'll eventually stop lying - and what fun is that?

You see, the secret is to lie while at the same time feeling that YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT! If you can lie and stay self-righteous than you can much more easily quit MFP (because it obviously doesn't work) and get RIGHT BACK TO STAYING FAT!

Trust me, I'm really really good at righteous self-lying. I'm the Patron Saint of Self-Lying. Let me share with you some of my tips so that you too can not only fail to lose weight but maybe even gain some - while still feeling honest!

1) Use your Mark 1 Eyeball
Your estimation is so much better than a scale. You've cooked for years! You know what 3 ounces of 90% lean ground beef looks like looks like, right? Right!

2) Level is for Losers
Fill that tablespoon heaping with all the shredded Colby Jack it can handle! Better yet, take some off the top of the heap - while still nice and rounded - then say to yourself "Look how honest I am!" (also, see next tip).

3)Squish It Real Good
Did you know you can squish almost two cups of cooked rice into a single cup if you press REALLY HARD? Surely that's what MFP wanted you to do! Go ahead - give it a squish!

4)Cooking Oil is Calorie Free
Really, how much of that 100 calories of olive oil at the bottom of the pan got on your stir-fried squash? Why, the wok is still wet - and you shared it with your girlfriend...so I say...ZERO!

5)Eat Before you Count
C'mon! You only had three pieces of bacon, not five. Probably. Well it certainly wasn't six! Out of sight, half the amount I always say.

6)Verified, Schmerified
When you have multiple listings for your food, find the one that's the lowest calories, even if the next higher is twice as much. Better yet, pick the second lowest when there are a lot of options - then you can feel good. Just don't ever stop and do your own research. Research leads to accuracy. Accuracy leads to the dark side.

7)Throw Away Those Scraps
Mmm, that was a delicious T-bone - but don't weigh those scraps! Toss them to Fido and just say to yourself "I only ate six ounces." Woof! Happy dog!

8)Two Plus Two CAN Equal Three
First, fry five pieces of bacon - yummy and 40 calories each. Now set that bacon to the side and deep fry your eggs in that delicious bacon grease - but don't add 10-20 calories to each egg cuz' you already paid for those calories in the bacon, right? RIGHT!

9)Fine Dine Daily
Be sure to frequent restaurants that don't have any way to measure calories. Even more importantly never ask for nutritional information even those most chefs can instantly tell you off the top of their heads. It's easier to just say "Oh well, no way to know" then toss in your best "guess" of 750 quick calories - your chef SALAD with ranch couldn't have been more than that, silly hamster.

10)Drink up, Shriner
Alcohol is your friend! Properly done, you can eat an entire Ultimate Nachos with double jalapenos and sour cream and never have to remember you ate it! Buuuurp. Also remember: not even MFP knows every craft beer made - so guess low. That unknown Pumpkin Porter is a beer. Miller Lite is a beer. So...it's a Miller Lite!

11)All Vegetables are Zero Calorie
Squash, zucchini, tomatoes, those those black beans and corn "sprinkled" on your salad, are all devoid of calories. Don't log them.

12)Tiny Candies don't Count after One
A single mini Reeses only has 44 calories. You only had two...or three...I think. Anyway, free food!

13)Be Healthy - with PAM
PAM cooking spray only has two silly calories. Of course that means a 1/3 of a second spray - who has those kind of reflexes - and who can grill cheese with only that amount? Soak that pan...with PAM!

14) Trust Your Memory
Why log now when you can log later? How hard is it to remember exactly what you had all day?

15)Never Use the Bar code Scanner
Why bar code scan when you can just type it in and search? You know if the scan comes up a lot higher than your manual search you might see you halved the portion size and were actually eating TWICE as much - who want's that?

Trust me folks - all of these are personally tried and true methods.
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Replies

  • justduckit
    justduckit Posts: 9 Member
    Very convicting ... and very true!! I hate/love the way this is written. Lying to ourselves isn't where its at!!
  • brynnsmom
    brynnsmom Posts: 945 Member
    I see what you did here. ;) Love it!
  • Montepulciano
    Montepulciano Posts: 845 Member
    You have elevated the mundane to an art form...applause, applause!
  • PrincessMegan13
    PrincessMegan13 Posts: 43 Member
    Brilliant! This was my entire way of thinking the FIRST time I used MFP. Since I qualified that it was the first time, clearly it was a major FAILURE and I'm back for round two, and doing it the right way. Self-lying stinks!
  • Ninkyou
    Ninkyou Posts: 6,666 Member
    True Story.
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    :bigsmile:
  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    r826qjnlw1xu.gif
  • revolucia78
    revolucia78 Posts: 196 Member
    LOVE this - it should be a sticky :)
  • Maxematics
    Maxematics Posts: 2,287 Member
    These are the commandments for people who post on here a few weeks after starting. "Help! I can't lose weight!" and when you suggest they are logging inaccurately/eating more than they think, they fly off the handle. You would think those types of posts stop, but they never do. It's my guilty pleasure.
  • ShellyBell999
    ShellyBell999 Posts: 1,482 Member
    30avu6a.jpg
  • Madwife2009
    Madwife2009 Posts: 1,369 Member
    Hilarious. Should be stickied
  • ohmscheeks
    ohmscheeks Posts: 839 Member
    Ninkyou wrote: »
    True Story.
    Not uh, olive oil is like 120 cals a tsp. This is all rubbish. :)
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 17,945 Member
    edited October 2015
    This should be required reading. After the poster has indcated sufficient capacity to understand irony, however.
  • melimomTARDIS
    melimomTARDIS Posts: 1,953 Member
    lol!!!!! sticky this, gods of mfp.
  • WinoGelato
    WinoGelato Posts: 13,456 Member
    This should be required reading. After the poster has indcated sufficient capacity to understand irony, however.

    Unfortunately that means about 95% of the general population won't be allowed to read it. Irony and Sarcasm seem to be dying art forms unfortunately....

  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    WinoGelato wrote: »
    This should be required reading. After the poster has indcated sufficient capacity to understand irony, however.

    Unfortunately that means about 95% of the general population won't be allowed to read it. Irony and Sarcasm seem to be dying art forms unfortunately....

    Long live sarcasm and irony <3
  • neldabg
    neldabg Posts: 1,451 Member
    This is so true!!!! Fortunately, when I came as a newbie to MFP months ago, I did a THOROUGH research on calorie counting, and I avoided those common mistakes. To this day, I've never plateaued, and I can honestly say that calories in, calories out is *NOT* some myth.
    Extreme accuracy and smart planning is especially important to get rid of the last 5-15 pounds. It's amazing what weighing reveals about food labels. Sometimes foods weighed more (i.e. 15 g of bacon listed as one slice, and then weighing that slice to see that it was actually 20 g), and sometimes they weighed less (half a can of drained tuna being 42 g instead of the listed 56 g). Either way, the calories add up fast, and you'll either be eating too little, or too much (Be honest. This is most cases), and cheat yourself in the end.
  • Tblackdogs
    Tblackdogs Posts: 322 Member
    Number 3 made me laugh. And now I've got "Push it Real Good" stuck in my head. Thanks. And by the way, I never thought of using Pam to make grilled cheese. Great idea!
  • ncfitbit
    ncfitbit Posts: 1,058 Member