Clueless spouse about former weight obsession

Options
lynvin79
lynvin79 Posts: 10 Member
in Goal: Maintaining Weight
When I was in 6th grade, I weighed 100 pounds. I was either 5'1 or 5'2... I'm 5'3 now at 36. I overly obsessed about my weight thinking I weighed too much then and deliberately ate less.

I got sick with chronic crazy ear infections in 2013, it took my appetite away. I could barely eat, even when I forced myself. I weighed 115--117. My mom begged me to put on some weight. Lucky for her, the infections waned and I got my appetite back.

Fast forward to now. I've been at home for almost a year this Nov. I've been staying busy writing, helping my kids with homework.

Here's my dilemma: My husband keeps poking at me about my weight, my stomach getting thick, etc. I've gained about 7 pounds the last 3 months from 132 to 139. I tried to explain to him, I don't want to obsess over it; I just need exercise consistently. He's always been this way, but he needs to chill. I'm a size 6 but sheesh don't wanna bite his head off for him to get the point
«1

Replies

  • ryanflebbe
    ryanflebbe Posts: 188 Member
    Options
    Does he know your history? Is he in shape? He may be saying things playfully, but I bet he feels more strongly about it than he lets on. Just some thoughts, I don't know what you should do.
  • lynvin79
    lynvin79 Posts: 10 Member
    Options
    He's a former Marine. Always been in physical shape; track, basketball, etc. I've never been active... Just always able to maintain my weight.

    I don't want to go down that obsession path again. Thank you
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    Options
    Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.
  • MissJay75
    MissJay75 Posts: 768 Member
    Options
    tomatoey wrote: »
    Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.

    I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.

    If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.

  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    Options
    Make him read this thread

    Communicate

    Explain

    Then remind him when he starts up again...some men need it drilled into them ..he thinks he's helping in a way

    Remember <pointed look> "we talked about this, don't you remember?"
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
    Options
    Explain to him your history. It is not something he can guess.
  • lynvin79
    lynvin79 Posts: 10 Member
    Options
    MissJay75 wrote: »
    tomatoey wrote: »
    Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.

    I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.

    If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.

    Thanking you, Ms Jay...I just found pictures in his phone that he took of me at the grocery store - from behind! The pictures showed my pants being too tight unbelievable.

  • lynvin79
    lynvin79 Posts: 10 Member
    Options
    aggelikik wrote: »
    Explain to him your history. It is not something he can guess.

    I need to more in depth. He lacks understanding about bulimia, anorexia. They are real issues I've battled.
  • lynvin79
    lynvin79 Posts: 10 Member
    Options
    rabbitjb wrote: »
    Make him read this thread

    Communicate

    Explain

    Then remind him when he starts up again...some men need it drilled into them ..he thinks he's helping in a way

    Remember <pointed look> "we talked about this, don't you remember?"

    He does not use social media at all. I will try. Thank you very much

  • SweetPeasMom55
    SweetPeasMom55 Posts: 3,385 Member
    Options
    If your husband doesn't listen suggest counseling and when he says what for say I'm considering dropping a fast 185 or whatever he weighs. That might get him listening I know it got my husband to turn around and just support me.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,598 Member
    Options
    I would be like "and exactly what do you think you will accomplish by busting my chops and insulting me like this? And is it working? That's what I thought. No, you're just making me angry. STOP IT."
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,712 Member
    Options
    lynvin79 wrote: »
    MissJay75 wrote: »
    tomatoey wrote: »
    Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.

    I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.

    If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.

    Thanking you, Ms Jay...I just found pictures in his phone that he took of me at the grocery store - from behind! The pictures showed my pants being too tight unbelievable.

    Before I respond, can you please clarify: did he takes these pictures intentionally to show you your pants were too tight? Or did he take them because he liked the view and you are upset by them?

    Also, do you mean he knows about your past with eating disorders but doesn't understand them or view them as serious?
  • enterdanger
    enterdanger Posts: 2,447 Member
    Options
    My tactic for dealing with my husband is to tell him how he makes me feel rather than talking about the action much. We agreed to argue this way when we were dating because I believe that if you love someone and they tell you that your behavior is hurting their feelings you will try to minimize the behavior. If you go in with a complaint about the behavior itself it's easier to feel attacked.

    I'd tell him something like "When you took that picture of me and poked me in the tummy it really made me feel hurt and belittled. You might have only been joking, but I keep thinking about it and it makes me sad." Or some such.
  • tomatoey
    tomatoey Posts: 5,446 Member
    Options
    I'm sorry for what you're dealing with, OP.

    I don't know what kind of marriage you have, or if you want it (I wouldn't, honestly, sorry), but to me it sounds like if you guys can't communicate about this, it's worth trying therapy.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    Options
    Send him over here and I'll talk some sense into him. He doesn't seem to know how lucky he is to still be alive.
  • nxd10
    nxd10 Posts: 4,570 Member
    Options
    rabbitjb wrote: »
    Make him read this thread

    Communicate

    Explain

    Then remind him when he starts up again...some men need it drilled into them ..he thinks he's helping in a way

    Remember <pointed look> "we talked about this, don't you remember?"

    Good stuff.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    Options
    Former marine. Lack of background on eating disorders. Man. You might have to hit him over the head with a virtual brick for him to understand. His default position because of his background is that all you have to do is "man up" and do it. But as you know it's more complicated than that.

    Some guys don't get the "feeling" stuff but they do understand "back off if you know what is good for you." I wonder if you found a documentary of some sort about eating disorders he might get a clue.

    Once he has a clue, I suggest you come up with a signal. It could be a flick of the wrist, a snap of the fingers, something. Agree on a signal. When he has overstepped his bounds, signal.

    I find most men love clear instructions, know they are clueless sometimes, and really don't want to cause their loved-ones pain. So explicitly lay it out for him. A marine should understand that.

    I'm thinking a positive outlet for the both of you might be to do exercise together, as long as he promises not to comment on body image, and not get all drill sergeant on you. This should be about getting stronger and healthier.
  • breelinda
    breelinda Posts: 67 Member
    Options
    Ok, I also get increased anger when I read your thread. Only because I know how that feels, but... I have noticed if I say when you said blah blah blah, I hear blah blah blah and if thats not what u mean its ok, because sometimes it could also be me, and how sensitive I can be, I lost 92 lbs and sometimes for any dumb reason he will say something stupid that could be not meant as mean but I can take it that way. I way the same as you and am as tall as you are, its a healthy weight, tell him how you feel and see what he does?
  • MissJay75
    MissJay75 Posts: 768 Member
    Options
    I can't even begin to guess about the pictures. Again, these are things you should be talking with him about. His reasons could be completely innocent, completely ignorant, or flat out rude. Presumably you love the guy, and he has good qualities or you wouldn't be together. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and a chance for you both to communicate honestly with each other.
  • krithsai
    krithsai Posts: 668 Member
    Options
    That's not cool. You don't make fun of a partner's body like that. Please do talk to him and tell him whatever you've told us.

Categories