Clueless spouse about former weight obsession
lynvin79
Posts: 10 Member
When I was in 6th grade, I weighed 100 pounds. I was either 5'1 or 5'2... I'm 5'3 now at 36. I overly obsessed about my weight thinking I weighed too much then and deliberately ate less.
I got sick with chronic crazy ear infections in 2013, it took my appetite away. I could barely eat, even when I forced myself. I weighed 115--117. My mom begged me to put on some weight. Lucky for her, the infections waned and I got my appetite back.
Fast forward to now. I've been at home for almost a year this Nov. I've been staying busy writing, helping my kids with homework.
Here's my dilemma: My husband keeps poking at me about my weight, my stomach getting thick, etc. I've gained about 7 pounds the last 3 months from 132 to 139. I tried to explain to him, I don't want to obsess over it; I just need exercise consistently. He's always been this way, but he needs to chill. I'm a size 6 but sheesh don't wanna bite his head off for him to get the point
I got sick with chronic crazy ear infections in 2013, it took my appetite away. I could barely eat, even when I forced myself. I weighed 115--117. My mom begged me to put on some weight. Lucky for her, the infections waned and I got my appetite back.
Fast forward to now. I've been at home for almost a year this Nov. I've been staying busy writing, helping my kids with homework.
Here's my dilemma: My husband keeps poking at me about my weight, my stomach getting thick, etc. I've gained about 7 pounds the last 3 months from 132 to 139. I tried to explain to him, I don't want to obsess over it; I just need exercise consistently. He's always been this way, but he needs to chill. I'm a size 6 but sheesh don't wanna bite his head off for him to get the point
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Replies
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Does he know your history? Is he in shape? He may be saying things playfully, but I bet he feels more strongly about it than he lets on. Just some thoughts, I don't know what you should do.0
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He's a former Marine. Always been in physical shape; track, basketball, etc. I've never been active... Just always able to maintain my weight.
I don't want to go down that obsession path again. Thank you0 -
Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.0
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Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.
I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.
If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.
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Make him read this thread
Communicate
Explain
Then remind him when he starts up again...some men need it drilled into them ..he thinks he's helping in a way
Remember <pointed look> "we talked about this, don't you remember?"0 -
Explain to him your history. It is not something he can guess.0
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Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.
I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.
If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.
Thanking you, Ms Jay...I just found pictures in his phone that he took of me at the grocery store - from behind! The pictures showed my pants being too tight unbelievable.
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Make him read this thread
Communicate
Explain
Then remind him when he starts up again...some men need it drilled into them ..he thinks he's helping in a way
Remember <pointed look> "we talked about this, don't you remember?"
He does not use social media at all. I will try. Thank you very much
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If your husband doesn't listen suggest counseling and when he says what for say I'm considering dropping a fast 185 or whatever he weighs. That might get him listening I know it got my husband to turn around and just support me.0
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I would be like "and exactly what do you think you will accomplish by busting my chops and insulting me like this? And is it working? That's what I thought. No, you're just making me angry. STOP IT."0
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Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.
I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.
If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.
Thanking you, Ms Jay...I just found pictures in his phone that he took of me at the grocery store - from behind! The pictures showed my pants being too tight unbelievable.
Before I respond, can you please clarify: did he takes these pictures intentionally to show you your pants were too tight? Or did he take them because he liked the view and you are upset by them?
Also, do you mean he knows about your past with eating disorders but doesn't understand them or view them as serious?0 -
My tactic for dealing with my husband is to tell him how he makes me feel rather than talking about the action much. We agreed to argue this way when we were dating because I believe that if you love someone and they tell you that your behavior is hurting their feelings you will try to minimize the behavior. If you go in with a complaint about the behavior itself it's easier to feel attacked.
I'd tell him something like "When you took that picture of me and poked me in the tummy it really made me feel hurt and belittled. You might have only been joking, but I keep thinking about it and it makes me sad." Or some such.0 -
I'm sorry for what you're dealing with, OP.
I don't know what kind of marriage you have, or if you want it (I wouldn't, honestly, sorry), but to me it sounds like if you guys can't communicate about this, it's worth trying therapy.0 -
Send him over here and I'll talk some sense into him. He doesn't seem to know how lucky he is to still be alive.0
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Former marine. Lack of background on eating disorders. Man. You might have to hit him over the head with a virtual brick for him to understand. His default position because of his background is that all you have to do is "man up" and do it. But as you know it's more complicated than that.
Some guys don't get the "feeling" stuff but they do understand "back off if you know what is good for you." I wonder if you found a documentary of some sort about eating disorders he might get a clue.
Once he has a clue, I suggest you come up with a signal. It could be a flick of the wrist, a snap of the fingers, something. Agree on a signal. When he has overstepped his bounds, signal.
I find most men love clear instructions, know they are clueless sometimes, and really don't want to cause their loved-ones pain. So explicitly lay it out for him. A marine should understand that.
I'm thinking a positive outlet for the both of you might be to do exercise together, as long as he promises not to comment on body image, and not get all drill sergeant on you. This should be about getting stronger and healthier.0 -
Ok, I also get increased anger when I read your thread. Only because I know how that feels, but... I have noticed if I say when you said blah blah blah, I hear blah blah blah and if thats not what u mean its ok, because sometimes it could also be me, and how sensitive I can be, I lost 92 lbs and sometimes for any dumb reason he will say something stupid that could be not meant as mean but I can take it that way. I way the same as you and am as tall as you are, its a healthy weight, tell him how you feel and see what he does?0
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I can't even begin to guess about the pictures. Again, these are things you should be talking with him about. His reasons could be completely innocent, completely ignorant, or flat out rude. Presumably you love the guy, and he has good qualities or you wouldn't be together. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and a chance for you both to communicate honestly with each other.0
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That's not cool. You don't make fun of a partner's body like that. Please do talk to him and tell him whatever you've told us.0
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When I was in 6th grade, I weighed 100 pounds. I was either 5'1 or 5'2... I'm 5'3 now at 36. I overly obsessed about my weight thinking I weighed too much then and deliberately ate less.
I got sick with chronic crazy ear infections in 2013, it took my appetite away. I could barely eat, even when I forced myself. I weighed 115--117. My mom begged me to put on some weight. Lucky for her, the infections waned and I got my appetite back.
Fast forward to now. I've been at home for almost a year this Nov. I've been staying busy writing, helping my kids with homework.
Here's my dilemma: My husband keeps poking at me about my weight, my stomach getting thick, etc. I've gained about 7 pounds the last 3 months from 132 to 139. I tried to explain to him, I don't want to obsess over it; I just need exercise consistently. He's always been this way, but he needs to chill. I'm a size 6 but sheesh don't wanna bite his head off for him to get the point
Bite his head first. Then tell him. You first
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Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.
I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.
If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.
Thanking you, Ms Jay...I just found pictures in his phone that he took of me at the grocery store - from behind! The pictures showed my pants being too tight unbelievable.
Hey just get a pair or two pants that fit in the mean time. When our cloths are too tight 7 pounds can look huge. I expect you will be fine long term.
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Former marine. Lack of background on eating disorders. Man. You might have to hit him over the head with a virtual brick for him to understand. His default position because of his background is that all you have to do is "man up" and do it. But as you know it's more complicated than that.
Some guys don't get the "feeling" stuff but they do understand "back off if you know what is good for you." I wonder if you found a documentary of some sort about eating disorders he might get a clue.
Once he has a clue, I suggest you come up with a signal. It could be a flick of the wrist, a snap of the fingers, something. Agree on a signal. When he has overstepped his bounds, signal.
I find most men love clear instructions, know they are clueless sometimes, and really don't want to cause their loved-ones pain. So explicitly lay it out for him. A marine should understand that.
I'm thinking a positive outlet for the both of you might be to do exercise together, as long as he promises not to comment on body image, and not get all drill sergeant on you. This should be about getting stronger and healthier.
That's good all I'm determined to speak my peace
0 -
Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.
I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.
If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.
Thanking you, Ms Jay...I just found pictures in his phone that he took of me at the grocery store - from behind! The pictures showed my pants being too tight unbelievable.
Before I respond, can you please clarify: did he takes these pictures intentionally to show you your pants were too tight? Or did he take them because he liked the view and you are upset by them?
Also, do you mean he knows about your past with eating disorders but doesn't understand them or view them as serious?
He took them intentionally to show me how tight they were.0 -
Hey y'all. Thanks for the different perspectives. I now have another way to approach. I'm sticking to the facts and coming out screaming "bite me"0
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I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I cant offer any advice but wanted to empathize. My ex-husband was a Marine and just this past weekend he told the kids he couldn't bring their Halloween candy to my house because I am fat and I will eat it all. (For reference, I'm 120 pounds with a body fat percentage in the low 20s but this stuff really puts me on edge even though we have been divorced for 5 years.) Belittling a person, especially someone you love is never the way to go.0
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amillenium wrote: »I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I cant offer any advice but wanted to empathize. My ex-husband was a Marine and just this past weekend he told the kids he couldn't bring their Halloween candy to my house because I am fat and I will eat it all. (For reference, I'm 120 pounds with a body fat percentage in the low 20s but this stuff really puts me on edge even though we have been divorced for 5 years.) Belittling a person, especially someone you love is never the way to go.
I swear we're twins. My ex husband (divorced for 6 years) asked my daughter if my now-husband knew that I'm secretly a fat girl on the inside. My BMI is in the normal range, but he just knows my lifelong struggle and knows which buttons to push. He also told our daughter that she should get me a McD giftcard for my birthday (if you knew me, you'd know that I don't eat fast food and never have...dx ED-NOS from 11-25 yrs old).0 -
Queenmunchy wrote: »amillenium wrote: »I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I cant offer any advice but wanted to empathize. My ex-husband was a Marine and just this past weekend he told the kids he couldn't bring their Halloween candy to my house because I am fat and I will eat it all. (For reference, I'm 120 pounds with a body fat percentage in the low 20s but this stuff really puts me on edge even though we have been divorced for 5 years.) Belittling a person, especially someone you love is never the way to go.
I swear we're twins. My ex husband (divorced for 6 years) asked my daughter if my now-husband knew that I'm secretly a fat girl on the inside. My BMI is in the normal range, but he just knows my lifelong struggle and knows which buttons to push. He also told our daughter that she should get me a McD giftcard for my birthday (if you knew me, you'd know that I don't eat fast food and never have...dx ED-NOS from 11-25 yrs old).
QueenMunchy, you are my MFP twin! And you also love to cook My greater concern is how this body image stuff affects our daughters because I know my daughter gets a lot of ideas of how she should look and "being skinny" from her dad and the current GF (blatant ED). OP, you didn't mention any kids but also something very important to consider if you do have kids...
ETA: Sorry OP, just reread and saw you mentioned helping kids with homework...so also something to consider.0 -
As someone with bulimia and anorexia in your past I would focus on myself and getting help for myself. Those are both painful and dangerous diseases. I think going with him to a really, really great counselor that thoroughly understands eating disorders and the family dynamics involved would be very helpful as well.0
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amillenium wrote: »Queenmunchy wrote: »amillenium wrote: »I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I cant offer any advice but wanted to empathize. My ex-husband was a Marine and just this past weekend he told the kids he couldn't bring their Halloween candy to my house because I am fat and I will eat it all. (For reference, I'm 120 pounds with a body fat percentage in the low 20s but this stuff really puts me on edge even though we have been divorced for 5 years.) Belittling a person, especially someone you love is never the way to go.
I swear we're twins. My ex husband (divorced for 6 years) asked my daughter if my now-husband knew that I'm secretly a fat girl on the inside. My BMI is in the normal range, but he just knows my lifelong struggle and knows which buttons to push. He also told our daughter that she should get me a McD giftcard for my birthday (if you knew me, you'd know that I don't eat fast food and never have...dx ED-NOS from 11-25 yrs old).
QueenMunchy, you are my MFP twin! And you also love to cook My greater concern is how this body image stuff affects our daughters because I know my daughter gets a lot of ideas of how she should look and "being skinny" from her dad and the current GF (blatant ED). OP, you didn't mention any kids but also something very important to consider if you do have kids...
ETA: Sorry OP, just reread and saw you mentioned helping kids with homework...so also something to consider.
Love to cook
Completely agree with the above. My daughter has started saying she's fat - she's 8, we eat well, she's very active, but she's built slightly more stocky than her peers....just like me, my mom, my grandmother, etc.
I wonder if some of that comparison comes down to her father saying things about me to her. The worst part is that I'm actually a normal BMI while he is very overweight. You really want to stop this as soon as possible so that he doesn't start on the kids next. The last thing you need is a child that has an ED because dad felt that commenting on body weight or taking pictures "just to show you" was okay. If your communication is okay, I would just sit him down and say "hey, I know you're trying to help, but it's bothering me when you constantly point out my weight."0
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