Clueless spouse about former weight obsession

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  • Commander_Keen
    Commander_Keen Posts: 1,181 Member
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    lynvin79 wrote: »
    When I was in 6th grade, I weighed 100 pounds. I was either 5'1 or 5'2... I'm 5'3 now at 36. I overly obsessed about my weight thinking I weighed too much then and deliberately ate less.

    I got sick with chronic crazy ear infections in 2013, it took my appetite away. I could barely eat, even when I forced myself. I weighed 115--117. My mom begged me to put on some weight. Lucky for her, the infections waned and I got my appetite back.

    Fast forward to now. I've been at home for almost a year this Nov. I've been staying busy writing, helping my kids with homework.

    Here's my dilemma: My husband keeps poking at me about my weight, my stomach getting thick, etc. I've gained about 7 pounds the last 3 months from 132 to 139. I tried to explain to him, I don't want to obsess over it; I just need exercise consistently. He's always been this way, but he needs to chill. I'm a size 6 but sheesh don't wanna bite his head off for him to get the point

    Bite his head first. Then tell him. You first

  • GaleHawkins
    GaleHawkins Posts: 8,160 Member
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    lynvin79 wrote: »
    MissJay75 wrote: »
    tomatoey wrote: »
    Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.

    I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.

    If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.

    Thanking you, Ms Jay...I just found pictures in his phone that he took of me at the grocery store - from behind! The pictures showed my pants being too tight unbelievable.

    Hey just get a pair or two pants that fit in the mean time. When our cloths are too tight 7 pounds can look huge. I expect you will be fine long term. :)
  • lynvin79
    lynvin79 Posts: 10 Member
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    jgnatca wrote: »
    Former marine. Lack of background on eating disorders. Man. You might have to hit him over the head with a virtual brick for him to understand. His default position because of his background is that all you have to do is "man up" and do it. But as you know it's more complicated than that.

    Some guys don't get the "feeling" stuff but they do understand "back off if you know what is good for you." I wonder if you found a documentary of some sort about eating disorders he might get a clue.

    Once he has a clue, I suggest you come up with a signal. It could be a flick of the wrist, a snap of the fingers, something. Agree on a signal. When he has overstepped his bounds, signal.

    I find most men love clear instructions, know they are clueless sometimes, and really don't want to cause their loved-ones pain. So explicitly lay it out for him. A marine should understand that.

    I'm thinking a positive outlet for the both of you might be to do exercise together, as long as he promises not to comment on body image, and not get all drill sergeant on you. This should be about getting stronger and healthier.

    That's good all I'm determined to speak my peace

  • lynvin79
    lynvin79 Posts: 10 Member
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    BZAH10 wrote: »
    lynvin79 wrote: »
    MissJay75 wrote: »
    tomatoey wrote: »
    Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.

    I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.

    If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.

    Thanking you, Ms Jay...I just found pictures in his phone that he took of me at the grocery store - from behind! The pictures showed my pants being too tight unbelievable.

    Before I respond, can you please clarify: did he takes these pictures intentionally to show you your pants were too tight? Or did he take them because he liked the view and you are upset by them?

    Also, do you mean he knows about your past with eating disorders but doesn't understand them or view them as serious?

    He took them intentionally to show me how tight they were.
  • lynvin79
    lynvin79 Posts: 10 Member
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    Hey y'all. Thanks for the different perspectives. I now have another way to approach. I'm sticking to the facts and coming out screaming "bite me"
  • amillenium
    amillenium Posts: 281 Member
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    I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I cant offer any advice but wanted to empathize. My ex-husband was a Marine and just this past weekend he told the kids he couldn't bring their Halloween candy to my house because I am fat and I will eat it all. (For reference, I'm 120 pounds with a body fat percentage in the low 20s but this stuff really puts me on edge even though we have been divorced for 5 years.) Belittling a person, especially someone you love is never the way to go.
  • Queenmunchy
    Queenmunchy Posts: 3,380 Member
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    amillenium wrote: »
    I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I cant offer any advice but wanted to empathize. My ex-husband was a Marine and just this past weekend he told the kids he couldn't bring their Halloween candy to my house because I am fat and I will eat it all. (For reference, I'm 120 pounds with a body fat percentage in the low 20s but this stuff really puts me on edge even though we have been divorced for 5 years.) Belittling a person, especially someone you love is never the way to go.

    I swear we're twins. My ex husband (divorced for 6 years) asked my daughter if my now-husband knew that I'm secretly a fat girl on the inside. My BMI is in the normal range, but he just knows my lifelong struggle and knows which buttons to push. He also told our daughter that she should get me a McD giftcard for my birthday (if you knew me, you'd know that I don't eat fast food and never have...dx ED-NOS from 11-25 yrs old).
  • amillenium
    amillenium Posts: 281 Member
    edited November 2015
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    Queenmunchy wrote: »
    amillenium wrote: »
    I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I cant offer any advice but wanted to empathize. My ex-husband was a Marine and just this past weekend he told the kids he couldn't bring their Halloween candy to my house because I am fat and I will eat it all. (For reference, I'm 120 pounds with a body fat percentage in the low 20s but this stuff really puts me on edge even though we have been divorced for 5 years.) Belittling a person, especially someone you love is never the way to go.

    I swear we're twins. My ex husband (divorced for 6 years) asked my daughter if my now-husband knew that I'm secretly a fat girl on the inside. My BMI is in the normal range, but he just knows my lifelong struggle and knows which buttons to push. He also told our daughter that she should get me a McD giftcard for my birthday (if you knew me, you'd know that I don't eat fast food and never have...dx ED-NOS from 11-25 yrs old).

    QueenMunchy, you are my MFP twin! And you also love to cook :) My greater concern is how this body image stuff affects our daughters because I know my daughter gets a lot of ideas of how she should look and "being skinny" from her dad and the current GF (blatant ED). OP, you didn't mention any kids but also something very important to consider if you do have kids...

    ETA: Sorry OP, just reread and saw you mentioned helping kids with homework...so also something to consider.
  • skinnybythanksgiving
    skinnybythanksgiving Posts: 159 Member
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    As someone with bulimia and anorexia in your past I would focus on myself and getting help for myself. Those are both painful and dangerous diseases. I think going with him to a really, really great counselor that thoroughly understands eating disorders and the family dynamics involved would be very helpful as well.
  • Queenmunchy
    Queenmunchy Posts: 3,380 Member
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    amillenium wrote: »
    Queenmunchy wrote: »
    amillenium wrote: »
    I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I cant offer any advice but wanted to empathize. My ex-husband was a Marine and just this past weekend he told the kids he couldn't bring their Halloween candy to my house because I am fat and I will eat it all. (For reference, I'm 120 pounds with a body fat percentage in the low 20s but this stuff really puts me on edge even though we have been divorced for 5 years.) Belittling a person, especially someone you love is never the way to go.

    I swear we're twins. My ex husband (divorced for 6 years) asked my daughter if my now-husband knew that I'm secretly a fat girl on the inside. My BMI is in the normal range, but he just knows my lifelong struggle and knows which buttons to push. He also told our daughter that she should get me a McD giftcard for my birthday (if you knew me, you'd know that I don't eat fast food and never have...dx ED-NOS from 11-25 yrs old).

    QueenMunchy, you are my MFP twin! And you also love to cook :) My greater concern is how this body image stuff affects our daughters because I know my daughter gets a lot of ideas of how she should look and "being skinny" from her dad and the current GF (blatant ED). OP, you didn't mention any kids but also something very important to consider if you do have kids...

    ETA: Sorry OP, just reread and saw you mentioned helping kids with homework...so also something to consider.

    Love to cook ;)

    Completely agree with the above. My daughter has started saying she's fat - she's 8, we eat well, she's very active, but she's built slightly more stocky than her peers....just like me, my mom, my grandmother, etc.

    I wonder if some of that comparison comes down to her father saying things about me to her. The worst part is that I'm actually a normal BMI while he is very overweight. You really want to stop this as soon as possible so that he doesn't start on the kids next. The last thing you need is a child that has an ED because dad felt that commenting on body weight or taking pictures "just to show you" was okay. If your communication is okay, I would just sit him down and say "hey, I know you're trying to help, but it's bothering me when you constantly point out my weight."
  • retailwizard1
    retailwizard1 Posts: 84 Member
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    Talk to him.. let him know how much it bothers you.. tell him how it makes you feel bad about yourself when he says things like that... 7 pounds is not a crazy amount of weight... if he can't understand your point and stop then there might be something else bothering him and that's his way to purposely bother you
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,711 Member
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    lynvin79 wrote: »
    BZAH10 wrote: »
    lynvin79 wrote: »
    MissJay75 wrote: »
    tomatoey wrote: »
    Tell him straight up to back off. It's your body, he doesn't get a say.

    I don't think this approach is great in a marriage. I think you should find a time away from the kiddos and really talk to him about this. Explain to him about your past, about your insecurities, and that you know he means well, but his comments about your weight hurt your feelings and tempt you toward unhealthy thought patterns.

    If he doesn't listen and support you, you have much bigger problems than the 7 pounds you gained.

    Thanking you, Ms Jay...I just found pictures in his phone that he took of me at the grocery store - from behind! The pictures showed my pants being too tight unbelievable.

    Before I respond, can you please clarify: did he takes these pictures intentionally to show you your pants were too tight? Or did he take them because he liked the view and you are upset by them?

    Also, do you mean he knows about your past with eating disorders but doesn't understand them or view them as serious?

    He took them intentionally to show me how tight they were.

    Oh, hell no. I get that the Marine background and training come into play here, but NO ONE should be excused from belittling someone, particularly spouses! I hope you can communicate with him effectively and I also really hope he's not like this to you in all aspects of your life. This issue can be addressed and dealt with, but if he's like this to you about everything then I'd have to question whether this is mentally healthy for you or not.

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