Not your usual success story......

2

Replies

  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,277 Member
    It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

    Not be be mean, but why would he have to get on Board with your weight loss. It is your journey not his. It is unfair to try and make someone change themselves because you want to change yourself.

    Unless you mean accepting you doing and eating those things, then yest he should do that, but no requirement to change doing what he was doing himself.
  • laurie62ann
    laurie62ann Posts: 433 Member
    "He's not enough for me now" -- "lovely, great dad" -- and you'd walk away from this. Sounds like a gem of a man. Get some counseling!
  • sallygroundhog
    sallygroundhog Posts: 134 Member
    Duchy82 wrote: »
    I get the impression you just want to go out and about more instead of staying indoors lounging on the sofa so.... How about you organise some family activities yourself have the kids and the hubby go out and have some fun. The same applies to nights out like a date night, organise the babysitter and make plans yourself. Don't just rely on him to make changes you have to do that together relationships evolve its not a quick process.

    +1
  • mkakids
    mkakids Posts: 1,914 Member
    Where did she say she was thinking about leaving her husband? I read the OP stating that "she wanted to get out there more and do somthing" as she wants THEM to get out there more and be more active. Together.
  • MsMaeFlowers
    MsMaeFlowers Posts: 261 Member
    If you want to get out and do things, get out and do them. You shouldn't expect your husband to do everything with you if he is happy with his life as it is. I am an introvert married to an extrovert, and I am perfectly happy that way. I stay home and paint, or read, and my husband will go out with his friends. It's not a big deal to us, we still do things together, have our own date nights and such.

    Find yourself a couple of friends who like to be active, and hang out with them a couple nights a week. Then your husband is happy you aren't trying to drag him along, and you are happy because you're getting out to do things.
  • waxhawblob
    waxhawblob Posts: 11 Member
    erickirb wrote: »
    It sounds to me like you guys (or maybe just you) need to find the "spark" again. Plan date nights... get dressed up... spend one on one time together. If he doesn't want to go out with you maybe plan a girl's night so you can go out and scratch that itch. I once read a quote that said something like the point of marriage is to keep you together so you're close enough to fall in love over and over again. I think people are too soon to throw in the towel through rough times. Give it time... give your hubby a chance to catch up.... you'll get there again. It's hard when your life changed so much and his didn't. He just has to get used to the new you. My hubby and I have gone through tough patches through my weight loss and fitness changes. He is naturally thin and doesn't like exercise and likes eating junk. I finally just had to tell him "look... this is going to have to be the new way I live my life... you gotta get on board". He no longer complains about the healthier eating and encourages me to go to the gym because he sees how important it is to me. It took time for him to get there though. Counseling might give you a safe space to get him to listen to you and work these feelings out, though. Good luck!

    Not be be mean, but why would he have to get on Board with your weight loss. It is your journey not his. It is unfair to try and make someone change themselves because you want to change yourself.

    Unless you mean accepting you doing and eating those things, then yest he should do that, but no requirement to change doing what he was doing himself.

    I have to agree with Eric on this one....My wife and I are both working to lose weight. I am a joiner...MFP, groups, etc to help me stay motivated. I ASSUMED she would want the same so I tried to encourage her, work out with her, etc. Not a good move. She is doing this for HER...not for me (and made that abundantly clear:). That's just how she wants to do this. I can't make her work harder, etc. She has to want to do it. Our motivations are different and I can accept that (but I still would rather have a budding pushing me...hah).
  • on2016
    on2016 Posts: 22 Member
    "...The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now... "

    I'm confused over this part. Other than your weight loss, what else changed? Or is this a case where your husband overweight too, and the issue is that you lost weight and he didn't? Just curious.

    Both my wife and I have lost a lot of weight, but that hasn't made us suddenly start playing the field again.

    It just seems like there are a lot of other issues going on here. However, the way it was described, it seems like he is coming out on the losing end of this deal, when he didn't do anything wrong (other than possibly support you this whole time?).
  • JenniferIsLosingIt
    JenniferIsLosingIt Posts: 595 Member
    on2016 wrote: »
    "...The trouble is, it's just not enough for me now... "

    I'm confused over this part. Other than your weight loss, what else changed? Or is this a case where your husband overweight too, and the issue is that you lost weight and he didn't? Just curious.

    Both my wife and I have lost a lot of weight, but that hasn't made us suddenly start playing the field again.

    It just seems like there are a lot of other issues going on here. However, the way it was described, it seems like he is coming out on the losing end of this deal, when he didn't do anything wrong (other than possibly support you this whole time?).

    This^^^^^^^^^^^
  • RoseTheWarrior
    RoseTheWarrior Posts: 2,035 Member
    Definitely try counseling. It doesn't sound like a lost cause. You seem to acknowledge he has good attributes. Work on communication and see how it goes. Just don't let it fester into something worse.

    Also, not sure how old you are, but could this be a mid-life crisis sort of deal? I can tell you from my brother's experience - the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence. In fact, it can be dangerous. My brother is married. Was married for like 12 years (no kids) then suddenly meets this lady at work (a customer, not co-worker); they started seeing each other. He left his wife for her - "the woman of his dreams". The new lady (I use that term loosely) cost him his job (a union job of over 10 years with pension, etc), got him arrested, dragged him across the country, tossed herself out of a car to make it look like he abused her, got him banned from flying on commercial airliners - seriously - deranged. My brother is now back with his wife, a woman who must have the patience of Job. My brother was just a normal guy looking for something more exciting. Well, he got it. And then some. This crazy person still calls his house and emails his wife. Yeah, that's just never going to go away.

    My point is, really think about why you're unhappy. I think this is something that is on you. However, discussing your feelings with your hubby with a counselor would really be a wise idea.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,173 Member
    edited November 2015
    mkakids wrote: »
    Where did she say she was thinking about leaving her husband? I read the OP stating that "she wanted to get out there more and do somthing" as she wants THEM to get out there more and be more active. Together.

    She has explained first that now she is getting more male attention, for the first time. And then said she is no longer feeling that her husband is enough. This does not read like she wants to go out and try bungee jumping... It sounds like "look at all these good looking guys interested in me, and I never thought this would happen, too bad I am married".
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,273 Member
    mkakids wrote: »
    Where did she say she was thinking about leaving her husband? I read the OP stating that "she wanted to get out there more and do somthing" as she wants THEM to get out there more and be more active. Together.

    She says "it's not just not enough for me" about her husband right after talking about how she now gets lots of male attention from men other than her husband. There's a connection there or else she wouldn't have included the fact that she's getting more attention from other men and feeling more desirable. It's logical to conclude that her "just not enough" feeling means that she's thinking of getting "enough" from another man.
  • justdoit1106
    justdoit1106 Posts: 20 Member
    Thanks for all of your honest replies. They're really helpful.
    Just to clarify a couple of things, my husband has always been slim. He can eat whatever he likes and not put on an ounce! We do have nights out together and apart, we're really lucky with childcare as we have family nearby.
    I won't go into too much detail because I know it's not a relationship advice site, but I've been thinking about it a lot recently, there have always been issues for me, namely that unless I organise and sort stuff out nothing gets done, either big or small stuff. I am very driven whereas my husband is very relaxed and will just carry on with situations even if they aren't making him happy. I suppose it's come to a point where I feel more confident in what I do and don't want, and losing weight is a massive part of that. It feels that losing weight has just made the cracks more apparent.
    Anyway, like I say , thanks so much for your responses. I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who had lost weight and it had a negative impact on their relationship.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,173 Member
    Thanks for all of your honest replies. They're really helpful.
    Just to clarify a couple of things, my husband has always been slim. He can eat whatever he likes and not put on an ounce! We do have nights out together and apart, we're really lucky with childcare as we have family nearby.
    I won't go into too much detail because I know it's not a relationship advice site, but I've been thinking about it a lot recently, there have always been issues for me, namely that unless I organise and sort stuff out nothing gets done, either big or small stuff. I am very driven whereas my husband is very relaxed and will just carry on with situations even if they aren't making him happy. I suppose it's come to a point where I feel more confident in what I do and don't want, and losing weight is a massive part of that. It feels that losing weight has just made the cracks more apparent.
    Anyway, like I say , thanks so much for your responses. I just wondered if there was anyone else out there who had lost weight and it had a negative impact on their relationship.

    Relationships go through phases. And sometimes changes make the problems more obvious or add stress (even positive changes). I have experienced both things:
    - I have left a relationship after realising that I have been in this relationship for very wrong reasons (including low self-esteem in the beginning, so kind of compromising). He was a nice guy, but being nice is good for a friendship, not a serious relationship. And had I felt more confident in myself in the beginning, I would have probably insisted that this remained a friendship.
    - And I also have found myself having doubts about a relationship and about my partner, only to realise that the problems were irrelevant and just general stress was making everything look bad. Feeling stressed, going through a life crisis, hating routine, thinking that a change is needed etc was making me wonder if my relationship was also a problem.

    Talk to a therapist, it really can make a big difference. Just talking to someone, putting your thoughts in order, knowing you can discuss very intimate details and not be judged, it helps you better understand your feelings and figure out what is going on.
  • Qriss644
    Qriss644 Posts: 26 Member
    Yes. Gaining weight has had a negative impact on my relationship. Losing weight had a negative impact on my relationship. Three marriages, I dedicated myself to each one of them. The first two found other people and each time it took me down to a dark place. This is my third marriage and I am keeping my head on. Opposites attract and I am the push and pull where the men are methodical and paced. Where I am anxious, driven and determined they are procrastinating, held back and settled. We all started out healthy and slim. I put on 30-50 pounds in the first two marriages. By the third I was back to my original starting weight 136 and then I stopped smoking, 9/11 happened and my job stress tripled...I gained 100 pounds over about 10 months and didn't even see it coming at me. Now, I know where every pound is going and how hard I have to work to get them off. Managed to shed 30 of them so far, took 6 months, but it is going faster now as I have figured a few things out. I remember that feeling great about yourself phase, enjoy it but try not to create such a wake that your family get washed away...it is easy to forget the little people that helped you get to where you are. Besides, 35 years of age...that is when you think it will all end soon. It doesn't life goes on in fact, the family you have now will be so much more important in just a few more years, when you notice menopause is eating away at your sense of humor.
  • blkandwhite77
    blkandwhite77 Posts: 281 Member
    My husband has a dozen habits/quirks that could easily drive me nuts if I concentrated on them. Instead I CHOSE to focus on his wonderful qualities. Why? Because he's worth it. We are worth it. My children are worth it. Not to mention I know I must have at least 2 dozen habits/quirks that could drive him crazy if he concentrated on those. Make a list of the things you love about him. Every day post a sticky somewhere for him to see one of those things you love. Focus on loving him better. You will see a change in YOUR heart. I learned the hard way from previous failed marriage and yes I was the one who walked away.
    This marriage I'm not walking away from. I'm not putting my children through that again. I'm not being selfish and focusing so much on myself that I disregard other people's happiness. I'm learning to love the way love is supposed to be done. Unselfishly, without pride, without demanding and with work, joy, peace and passion.
    Marriage is work but damn the rewards are worth it when you look back and see all you've accomplished together.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,146 Member
    Don't do anything stupid. Sorry it that is harsh. I'm glad you are feeling good about yourself. But you won't feel so good about yourself it you turn into a cliche of a person who loses a little weight and leaves the man who loved them when they were heavy.
    There will be a point when you get used to being at this weight and realize that casual attention from men..(who will look at any woman younger and better looking than you in an instant) is not to be taken that seriously.

    I keep a sense of humor about it all. As in my life as I've lost and gained...I know I'm looking good when men start looking at me again. It is their nature.. and I don't take it seriously…and they don't intend it that way either.

  • iloveclones67
    iloveclones67 Posts: 13 Member
    I actually view this from another viewpoint. My wife is always joking about all the women buzzing like bees around me now (they don't). She treats it like a joke, but I can see how on some level she might worry. She's only ever known me as heavy, why wouldn't she worry that I might behave differently if I were thin. Some people let money do the same thing to them.

    At a minimum, you owe your husband the same honesty that you're laying out here (which you may be...), preferably in a counseling type setting. If you're unhappy, by all means grab for as much as you can. But with a husband and children in the mix, you have a higher duty to be introspective and really figure out what's going on in your head. If your husband made a big change (maybe having to move the family for a job), you wouldn't want him to let you just deal with the consequences by yourself.


    Bill Cowher, former coach of the Steelers used to always say, "Don't let the highs the you too high, or the lows get you too low." Losing weight, and getting attention you didn't get before can be a bit of a drug. But it's very superficial and transitory.
  • csa_129
    csa_129 Posts: 4 Member
    I can say that losing weight can have negative effects on lots of relationships - friends can get jealous, partners get jealous. people can get 'comfortable' with you being the fat friend. all I will say is that don't lose sight of what really matters, the novelty of 'transforming' will wear off...
  • burtisfamily7
    burtisfamily7 Posts: 44 Member
    First, is he abusive? Did he put you down at your heaviest? If so maybe a life change. If he has supported you, if he has been there. retrain your brain. Start dating HIM. Start looking sexy for him! Surprise HIM, flirt with him. Its easy to get in a rut, and hard to get out of it. You get complacent. I would bet my life that if you started dating him again he will respond. I dont mean to say its on you. But make him NOTICE you!!

    Get him all sexied up and tell him how hot it is to have him look at you like he cant wait to get you home. Guys respond to those kinds of cues, they have to be shown/told how what we need. Not all "lets talk, I feel blah blah bla,,,,,,ignored, not loved, you dont do enough" That makes them retreat further as well as us. You married him, no resentments, just put your self out there and get your self to fall in love with him again!

    When i get pissy and think, man we havnt done anything, he doesn't surprise me anymore with quickies and kayaking :) I think, when was the last time i surprised HIM with that? When was the last time i walked up and told him how sexy he is? Or sent "fun" photos to him while he was at work? Its been awhile, time to up the stakes :)

    We have 5 kids, been together along time, and i got my sexy back, I started to pursue him like i wanted to to that hot sales guy. I made my husband hot again. It worked! I am happy to know we made it through "one of those times you think about jumping ship) I cant wait to see our grandchildren and grow old and die with him. The Grass isnt greener on the other side.

    That being said, i divorced my last husband and will never look back. He was verbally abusive, called me "tree trunk" etc He was killing me. My now soulmate, would never ever even think about calling me a name, he adores me! It feels good to look, we are wired to. It feels good to feel attractive. And there is nothing wrong with fantasies. Its normal. But it is NOT what you think out there.

    So happy you feel sexy and have confidence! But please exhaust ALL possibilities first! You wont regret it. Then if you decide to leave, you can honestly look in the mirror and at your children and say i really did do everything possible. Its your life, you must me content with your choices overall.

  • burtisfamily7
    burtisfamily7 Posts: 44 Member
    My mom lost weight and left a marriage of 20 years because she liked the male attention and dancing and stuff. She had a few relationships, nothing really great.

    She is now in her 60s and alone. My dad remarried a wonderful woman that loved the man he was.

    Get help. This is just a phase.

    YES!! This is it, over and over and over!