Family Problem - Need Advice - Mom wants $

Kolohe71 · June 2011

My mother has been extremely bad at managing her finances her whole life. She has filed for bankruptcy twice that I know of, she owed my grandparents over $10K when they died and she now owes me close to that the same amount. She has never taken ownership of her financial problems and always blames someone or some circumstance which has put her in her current predicament.

About once a year she will call me and ask for a loan because "My paycheck didn't get direct deposited this month" or "So-and-so owes me money, but they haven't paid me yet" etc. This is always followed by a sob story about how they are getting ready to shut off her utilities, the house is going into foreclosure, and can I give her a loan (usually for ~$3K) until her direct deposit gets cleared up etc.

On at least 4 occasions now, I have agreed to loan her money provided she makes small payments ($100 a month) until it is paid off. She always agrees, accepts the money, pays her bills and makes her payments to me for 2-3 months. Then, all of a sudden, she will begin to forget to mail me a check, and when I asked about it, she will usually respond with "Oh don't worry, you'll get paid back when I die and you sell my house."

So this past Saturday night, she e-mailed me (didn't call this time) with the usual story and requested yet another loan. (I haven’t responded to her yet because my wife and I are still trying to decide how to best handle the situation). Then this morning, on FB, she is posting about how she is in such financial straights that her cell phone was turned off today, her utilities will be shut off on Wednesday and that foreclosure on her house will be starting on the 15th because “My selfish son won’t help out his mother even though he can easily afford it”. Making ME out to look like the bad guy.

So to break it down simply:
1) Her house is upside-down by $60K, so any money I loan her will end up as a “Gift” because we will never recoup the money through its sale.
2) I know there is more to her problems than the reason she gives, because banks don’t typically foreclose on a home because the loan is behind one month (unless it’s habitual) and the same goes for utilities.
3) To loan her more money, requires me to pull it from my own retirement savings; putting my own future security at risk and creating stress between my wife and I for the same reason.
4) Without taking over her entire finances I don’t see a way to break this cycle, and she is not willing to let me do this.

Sorry this was so long, but thank you for reading. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am not really sure how to handle the situation any longer.

babydull · June 2011

My advice would be to refuse the loan, you are not financially responsible for her, she is not your child. Sit down with her (if geographically possible) and explain the effect her selfishness in mis-handling her money is having on you, especially including her emotional blackmail. If necessary, I'd limit communication with her. She's making your life stressful, and endangering your future.

thelandofwin · June 2011

It sounds like setting boundaries would be a good start. It's unfortunate that she is having these financial issues, but she is responsible for her well being and her choices. It is admirable that you have helped her as much as you have, but I would be careful about enabling her. Perhaps suggest financial counseling of some sort.

soshotout · June 2011

Mother or not, the post on FB would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I say keep your money. You've done enough. Some people really need to learn to take responsibility for themselves.

Just sayin'....

Pam3 · June 2011

wow i left like i was re-living my life....you could have been writting about my mom and me......my advise is simple cut her off dont give another cents.....

journeytoahealthy51 · June 2011

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. I vote that you should try some tough love, and let her dig herself out. However, that is easy for me to say, since I have never been in your position. Good luck!

brneydgrlie · June 2011

Tell her that the only way she is going to get anything from you ANY MORE is if she lets you take over her finances. End of story, no longer up for discussion. Since this has been going on for years, this could not possibly be a shock to her - even with being in heavy denial like she is. Then tell her you want to go with her to meet with the bank regarding the forclosure.

DO NOT let her make you feel guilty! You have been a wonderful child - any parent would be proud to have you!

BeautifulScarsWECHANGED · June 2011

She needs to take responsibility for her own actions. It's not YOUR fault she can't handle money properly. You've done as much as you can....it's time to draw the line and create bounderies. "I love you mom, BUT......"

krlaws2 · June 2011

This may not sound kind, but your mother's financial problems are her own. She is not your financial responsibility. She is choosing to make bad choices and looking to you to save her time and time again. Quite frankly, she's not really motivated to do better when you keep enabling her by saving her over and again.

As far as FB goes, you don't have to be her friend on FB or you can change your settings so you don't see her posts.

lotty1987 · June 2011

i understand its your mom but as you have already learn t you will not recoop the money therefore i wouldnt lend her the money - I would just say its all tied up in non touchable bank accounts etc and you are not allowed to take it out x

lejess · June 2011

Wow, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I have dealt with a some what similar situation.
Best advice I can offer you is leave her alone. Do not give her anymore money. You have tried to help her in the past and she does not learn from her mistakes. She is your mother, you shouldnt have to bail her out because she should be a responsible adult setting an example for you.
You mentioned you are married, and even if you weren't I'd say the same thing, but you have to look out for your family. You and your wife and your own lives to support.
You're right, banks dont foreclose when you're only behind 1 month. Same with utilities. She's likely several months behind, if not more than that.
I think the part that I keep focusing on is that you have helped her before and she doesnt change. She doesnt change because she knows she can take advantage of you.
Stop enabling her. As painful as it is for you, you've got to let her stand on her own or she will never change. Heck, she may never change anyway. So stop letting her be this way at your expense.
Good luck.

MB_Positif · June 2011

That's rough. Honestly sounds like she needs the tough love. I know we all hate to do things like this to our parents, but come on now. You can only do so much. It's clear that she doesn't have any intentions of ever paying back the full amount. Guilting you into it is even worse! So sorry you have to go through this. That said... What happens if she does lose her house, will she try to live with you? If you decide to do it stand firm that she will need to turn all of her financial matters over to you, and maybe make her sign and have papers notarized that she will pay you back or give you the financial control? Yikes!

Bridgetc140 · June 2011

Mother or not, the post on FB would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I say keep your money. You've done enough. Some people really need to learn to take responsibility for themselves.

Just sayin'....

Agreed!

alohabrie · June 2011

Wow. Rock and a hard place. I think you probably know what you need to do. If you are having to pull out of your own retirement - that puts you and your family in danger of not being taken care of later on. Where would you draw the line? At half of your retirement savings that you have been working hard at? More? You need to do what you can live with - it sounds like you have always helped her out so maybe it has been enabling her?

talysshade · June 2011

It's harsh.. I love my family , but in a situation like that I'd have to stop sending the money. Once or twice.. fine, if it's getting paid back, no problem. But you're just gifting and gifting and you don't even know where the money's going to! It's obviously not going to house and utility payments, so what's happening to your money? I'd not give anything else until you know exactly what's happening with your money. Then, once the cause of the problem is known, you can try and fix it together with her.

Oh yes.. the facebook post, please do not let that bother you. It's nothing but emotional blackmail. If that's the way she thinks about you? Then why give her more money? Selfish, she should check how much you've given her already..

RedneckWmn · June 2011

I agree with the others. She is your mother but you have done more then enough. And you are right, she's not going to change her cycle if she hasn't already. Sounds like she is going to have to learn the hard way. So sorry you are having to go through this. I would just tell her that you aren't able to help her out anymore. That you helping her isn't helping her in the long run. I'm sure anybody who sees that post on facebook probably knows the truth behind it. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

Jenscan · June 2011

Yup, tell her what you just told us. And you're right - banks don't foreclose the first month, nor are occupants removed from the home immediately; especially with how foreclosure regs are being tightened up right now.

SHE got HERSELF into this - you've been way more than patient and helpful.

ETA: un-friend her on FB... or remove her from your news feed.

misschoy · June 2011

Wow. I'm mostly shocked that she put that business on FB like that. I would deny the loan. It sounds like you've helped her out one too many times. Good luck with everything.

sarah44254 · June 2011

A similar situation happened to me when I was a teenager. My mother would not pay her bills correctly (she would pay less than she owed, then spend the rest on booze) and constantly asked me for money, telling me I owed it to her because she raised me.

My solution? I left her home, I stopped all contact, I let her to her own ways. After a few months she finally contacted me, asking for money, whining and crying 'why doesn't my daughter care about me?' and so on. I told her of course I care, and I know she can find a way to take care of herself. As for me helping, I have my own finances to worry about, and they are taking the front seat.

She found a way out of her hole by her own means, I think she found a guy and smuggled money from him or something, I don't really know. I do know that I was able to pay my own way, save up my own money, and feel no guilt about leaving my mother to do her own thing.

She is an adult, can make decisions to benefit or detriment herself, and should be left to make those decisions on her own sometimes. This sounds like one of those times.

I'm sorry you have to put up with the insult of her spreading *kitten* around facebook, that wasn't around when I had troubles or else I'm sure my mother would have done the same. Just ignore her comments and try not to get into details with folks who ask, it's not their business in the first place.

Focus on your life with your wife and keeping yourself on your feet. The government offers plenty of programs to help folks in debt, she can move out of her house and into a small government approved apt. for very low rent, file for another bankruptcy and try to start over. Her bad decisions should not effect you, as you are both adults and she is living her own life.

It is HARD because it is your family, but understand that in dire situations, sometimes hard decisions must be made. I hope you can find a solution of any type soon, because the stress of a situation like this is immense, I know. Perhaps paying for her financial counseling instead of loaning her money will be a cheaper and smarter/safer route? I get the feeling she will claim she doesn't need counseling, though.

mandysue1980 · June 2011

I feel for you, I agree with thelandofwin "It sounds like setting boundaries would be a good start". Question is, if she did loose her house where would she live? With you? That would not only be a financial strain for you but also a strain on your marriage. Sorry i don't have any advice, I hope it works out for you though.

laurad1406 · June 2011

It is extremely immature of your mother to post on FACEBOOK! Especially regarding sensitive family issues. I definitely agree there is more to this issue than being behind ONE month's mortgage. As someone suggested, counseling might be a good idea, and her reaction to even the suggestion might tell you a lot. My mom and dad have always been extremely hard workers and are both the oldest siblings in large families....and both my parents (now in their late 50s) are still loaning their siblings money! And let's just say my parents don't really have the money to be supporting adult family members with families of their own.

Sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into an all-about-me post, I just think if you don't stop with the lending now, the asking will NEVER end.

Family Problem - Need Advice - Mom wants $

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