Family Problem - Need Advice - Mom wants $

My husband and I supported his mother financially for 20 years. When we could no longer do so in the manner to which she was accustomed, she accused us of stealing from her. As of January 1st of this year, we have not sent her any money at all. She complains constantly that she doesn't have money for food, medications, etc, yet she is still financially supporting one of my sisters in law (she's 35) AND buying clothing, shoes etc for her grandchildren. Now I'm not saying that she shouldn't do those things, but to do them and expect money from us is ridiculous.

Don't put yourself in danger to help your mom. She is a grown woman and really needs to figure it out for herself. The longer you continue to help her, the longer she can be irresponsible. I'd cut her off, and I'd tell her it's for her own good. She, like I mother in law, needs to learn to live within her means like the rest of us.

this is just my opinion, but I think you have done way more than most would have. You might almost be enabling her to continue doing whatever it is that is putting her in this situation. She thinks she can bully you into bailing her out each time. If anyone wants to believe the stuff she posts, then they are not worth your time, because those who know and love, I am sure will know you are not like that. If they ask you, tell the truth, maybe you can offer your mom to stay with you, if she cannot get a loan modification on her home. Just be firm and say no. If you have kids, the best thing you can do for them, is secure your own retirement so that they will not have to carry the burden of taking care of you and your medical bills.

My wife and I were in a position where we could have loaned my mother money for a very similar situation. I decided no because it would be the equivalent of putting a band-aid on cannon ball hole. Tell her that she would be much better off selling the house and moving to a new one that is smaller and more manageable for her. I almost think you should tell her no just because of the facebook post.

As much as it sucks as with any addictive or negative personality or habit you at some point need to stop enabling her. I realize how much it sucks because she's your Mother but she should also be held accountable for her own choices and actions. When someone is always the victim they never learn or see their own short comings and you can't make her change only she can. It's harsh but you need to cut her off and explain why. Putting anyone on blast is never easy especially if they are your family but as someone that used to be careless like your Mom with my finances, my parents refusal to help me financially, made me hit rock bottom, figure some stuff out and then accept my responsiblility in the situation and now I'm a firm believer and practicing bills or responsibilty first, and play second. Good luck because I know it's easier said than done and she will lash out and try to hurt you but maybe you need to step away. I'm praying for you.

i totally agree with the othe posters... i understand the desire to help your mother but there comes a time when help is turning into enabling... i would find a credit union or something that has financial councelors that could sit down with her and find out where things are going wrong.. maybe teach her how to get back on track.. she will be mad but its time she starts living on her money and not yours.. you have to protect the future of your family too..

give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will never go hungry.


be the teacher and you just may save her from herself.

Tell her no. And I know this sounds simplified compared to the thoughts and feelings that you may be having, but thats the perks of not being emotinally involved in the situation. From reading (with my whole self) what you just wrote, EVERY single time that you bail her out of the results of her bad habits, you enable her to 'lean' on you again, once she needs to. From what it sounds, she has not taken any responsibility for her lack of fiscal aptitude--and simply chooses to ask you (her selfish son) who up until now has continued to bail her out time and time again. If you are willing to give all you can give and then some, continue to do so. But to go into your retirement is a bit much for ANYONE to ask...yes, even mom. And I'm sure your wife is LIVID!!! I cant even imagine what she is going through, watching you continue to deplete your familiies resources for the irresponsible actions/or inaction of mom. At some point, you are going to have to come face front with mom and let her know htat you cant continue to hold the weight of her choices. Your family CANNOT and should not have to pay for that. You should nto feel OBLIGATED either. Now if she were making payment arrangments, trying seminars to learn more, making any lifestyle chnages, then I'd say maybe...but at this point, you are an inexhaustable ATM.... and its not your job to take care of your mom in this way. This hurts me to say, as I have two sons...but I also would NEVER want them to feel like taking care of me (in this way) is a must. Ya know what I mean? The roles have def. flipped. And I'll bet if you stand firm on your no, her acceptance of the proposal to handle her finances just may be more attractive to her. And if not, its simply because she doesnt want anyone else monitoring her questionable spending, which to me would be another sign, that she doesnt want help. YOu want a bail out. And that cycle is almost impossible to break. I am wishing you and your family the best of luck!

I know its hard to see family struggle. With the best of intentions, your help to her really is only enabling her to not take responsibility. If she feels she has a "safety net" she doesn't have to try as hard to manage her finances because you'll be right there if she needs a loan.

I would pace every response and every reaction you have. The facebook thing- that's her trying to provoke a response....take your time getting back to her, and when you do, just explain that you can't keep helping with money. You can help with love, and emotional support, and maybe even the assistance with a financial counselor- but actual money isn't possible.

Sorry you're going through this, it's stressful.

I am sorry you are in this situation, but this is one area where I am fairly good...it's what I do for a living!

First, do not touch your retirement accounts. That is for YOUR retirement. Do you want to be in the same situation, asking your children for "loans"?

Can you afford to gift the money? (No touching retirement, long term savings, equity in your home etc.) Realistically, you will not be paid back. Sounds to me like you can not, despite what your mom might think.

This is tough, but I think you need to just say no. You can not afford to keep doing this. It will continue to happen over and over. Where are you prepared to draw the line?

There will be emotional blackmail, such as the FB post. As hard as it may be, don't respond in kind. Mom is an adult and as such is responsible for her own choices. (We are adults and responsible for our food choices too!) It's a kind of tough love, but for your sake, your family's sake and your mom's sake, say no.

Good luck!

If you've got the money no biggie but if it comes from your retirement plan jeopardizing you're future life plans etc, nope, there's enough options out there to make some extra, rent out a room, find something to sell, live in a cheaper house...

I would give her the money as a gift. I would consider just how much money goes into raising a child into adulthood and how much effort. It has long been the custom that children take care of their parents once they reach working age
. It's only now in time that people begin to question it. Parents are owed respect and support and while it can be draining, it's nonetheless a societal responsibility on adult children. We should love and care for our aging parents in any way possible.

Just my opinion, of course. I know full well how inconvenient it is to send parents money, however I feel it's important to do so in a respectful, non demeaning, non embarrassing way. Asking for money-even when youre thinking you'll receive it- is never easy.