Family Problem - Need Advice - Mom wants $

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  • PuppyBandit
    PuppyBandit Posts: 57
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    Find the book called "boundaries" it would help you very much.

    Get your Mom a Dave Ramsey book and mail it to her. It's called Total money make over.

    I would not loan her any more money.
  • thurberj
    thurberj Posts: 528 Member
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    My mother in law enabled her youngest son all of his life and he has no money in the bank, no money in retirement and is upside down in his condo. Continually bailing out loved ones NEVER teaches them anything and doesn't make them more responsible. You love your mom and are a great son, but you are not helping her or yourself. The ONLY way I would "lend" her anymore money would be with the stipulation that you take over her finances and give her an allowance....no discussion. I would be very clear and also sure that you want to take on this monumental task and that your wife will support this decision. Do not let threats or facebook postings get to you...that is what she is trying to do. You have NO reason for any guilt. She should feel bad and guilty for putting you in this position time and time again. Good luck!! Feel proud that you did not take after her when it came to managing money. If you have children, I believe that it is part of your job as a parent to teach them the value of a dollar and how to handle money and stay out of debt! They will thank you later....I know mine did!
  • Thriceshy
    Thriceshy Posts: 707 Member
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    Don't do it. It's not that you can teach her responsibility at this late date (you can't--my 77 year old mother's in bankruptcy right now in similar circumstances), it's that you can't keep rescuing her at your own expense. Not when it's chronic fiscal irresponsibility at the root. You could easily turn this around and say, on Facebook, "My selfish mother is chewing her way through my retirement."

    Tell her no. Tell her that, until she can make good on all the money she still owes you, you cannot lend her another dime. Tell her if she's low on food you'd be glad to have her over for meals until the crisis passes. But not a dime more into her maladaptive money-pit of a world. Money doesn't equal love, and neither does manipulation. You're being manipulated.

    Sorry if I sound cold--believe me, I sympathize. But after years of loaning money, jumping in to pay property taxes or income taxes, swooping in to pay utilities to keep them from being shut off, I've backed away from the money pit. While my mother is a bit more hapless and less manipulative than yours seems to be, the final result is the same--she blows her money on restaurant meals and foolish endeavors and expects others to step in and bail her out.

    Kris
  • Setof2Keys
    Setof2Keys Posts: 681 Member
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    I would give her the money as a gift. I would consider just how much money goes into raising a child into adulthood and how much effort. It has long been the custom that children take care of their parents once they reach working age
    . It's only now in time that people begin to question it. Parents are owed respect and support and while it can be draining, it's nonetheless a societal responsibility on adult children. We should love and care for our aging parents in any way possible.

    Just my opinion, of course. I know full well how inconvenient it is to send parents money, however I feel it's important to do so in a respectful, non demeaning, non embarrassing way. Asking for money-even when youre thinking you'll receive it- is never easy.

    Sounds like your going to be that same parent, expecting your child to enable your irresponsiblity, or you have allowed someone to guilt you into doing this. It is not that he is not willing to help her because he has. He should not, under any circumstances take from retirement. She will not pay it back and she has been doing this for years. Not only to him but to her parents before they died. How sad is that. He was willing to assist her, she is willing to abuse him. In the future, read the entire post before assuming he is just hanging her out to dry...
  • KrisFit11
    KrisFit11 Posts: 1
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    First, congratulations that you are taking steps to make changes in your life and are meeting the fitness goals you have set for yourself. You are wise to work this out with your wife before responding to your mother. Being in agreement with your wife, and having her point of view and support in whatever you both decide is imperative. It is hurtful that your mom would take a private issue between the two of you and make it public on facebook...this indicates her position that she is entitled to whatever she asks from you. I believe we are to honor our parents, but giving to the point of damaging our own families isn't honoring. One thing you could do is talk with your wife and come up with some optiions you are willing to offer her. Some ideas: you paying her bills for/with her (helping her set up a budget she can live within and help her administrate it); a small, short-term loan drawn up with a signed paper agreement for pay back; requiring her to see a financial counsellor in exchange for your help; offering to pay for here to attend a financial class (Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover is wonderful and you can access it online for many freebies); even just letting her know your family lives on a budget and you only have X-amount of unallocated funds to go around and unfortunately you aren't able to help this month financially. At some point in all our lives we have to become responsible for the choices we make and sometimes the consequences are painful but that pain is what ultimately forces us to make better choices. Good luck to you as you deal with this difficult situation.
  • Setof2Keys
    Setof2Keys Posts: 681 Member
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    Find the book called "boundaries" it would help you very much.

    Get your Mom a Dave Ramsey book and mail it to her. It's called Total money make over.

    I would not loan her any more money.

    Good idea. Probably piss her off since she has no accountability, but maybe just maybe she'll open it and read it.
  • natersmama
    natersmama Posts: 157
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    i would definitely have to say no. putting your own future in jeopardy in today's economy is not a wise choice. and clearly she isnt learning anything but to resort to you as her ATM. she will probably get very mad at you and say some harsh things. but in the end, its your family you need to look out for. she is a grown woman. best of luck to you.
  • runlorirun
    runlorirun Posts: 389
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    My MIL was the same way. We finally cut off any more money to her. It was hard but it was the best thing we ever did for her. Yes, she lost her house and truck, she has to move into an apartment and use public transportation. She still has money problems but not as bad as it was before and she's learned to make ends meet, even giving blood and plasma.

    It was really hard to do but we just could not afford to give out 'extra' money to her. We needed it for our kids college education, our retirement and our own family things.

    I am sure she will blame you for loosing everything, have stuff shut off, but it's not your fault. We would occasionally get her a gift card for a local grocery store so we knew she was eating.
  • thumper44
    thumper44 Posts: 1,464 Member
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    I wish you the best luck in whatever you decide to do.
    Obviously you don't want her out on the streets, and you probably do not want her living with you.

    Give her an ultimatum.

    If she's gambling, or if she's addicted to drugs, or addicted to shopping.
    She has to quit spending money, it's obviously going somewhere.
    She should cancel all her luxuries. If she smokes, then she should quit smoking.
    Cut out TV, CABLE, and INTERNET.
    If she is living beyond her means, then maybe she should downsize.

    If you want to pay the mortgage company to keep a roof over her head that's different. You pay them directly.

    It's no different than if your mom was an alcoholic, or a person on drugs. You would want to help, but you would not give them money directly.
  • TourThePast
    TourThePast Posts: 1,753 Member
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    You know what will happen if you give her a "loan" - a few years down the line she'll be asking for more. And more. And more.

    As long as you bale her out, she will continue to spend more than she earns. If she's in debt why does she have a cellphone in the first place? What else does is she spending money on that she doesn't need?

    The ONLY thing that will help her situation in the long term is for her to reduce her spending to a level that is lower than her income.

    Only she can do that. If you keep throwing money at her, why should she bother?
  • acakeforawife
    acakeforawife Posts: 207
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    Money doesn't equal love, and neither does manipulation. You're being manipulated.

    This was my thought too. To be honest, I doubt she is in danger of her house-foreclosing -- I think she's just trying to scare / guilt you into giving her the money she wants. I also agree with what someone else said, that there has to be SOMEWHERE this money is going (shopping problem, gambling, something?) and until that gets addressed, it doesn't sound like the money thing is going to straighten itself out either.

    I know it is going to be REALLY hard, but I think you have to tell her no. You are merely enabling whatever problem she has. Good luck!

    PS: I hope you and your wife find some comfort in these comments and the fact that they almost 100% unanimous.
  • Grimmerick
    Grimmerick Posts: 3,342 Member
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    I would give her the money as a gift. I would consider just how much money goes into raising a child into adulthood and how much effort. It has long been the custom that children take care of their parents once they reach working age
    . It's only now in time that people begin to question it. Parents are owed respect and support and while it can be draining, it's nonetheless a societal responsibility on adult children. We should love and care for our aging parents in any way possible.

    Just my opinion, of course. I know full well how inconvenient it is to send parents money, however I feel it's important to do so in a respectful, non demeaning, non embarrassing way. Asking for money-even when youre thinking you'll receive it- is never easy.

    Is this a joke??? God I hope so, what horrible horrible advice, maybe if this wasn't the umpteenth time he has tried to help her out then this would be ok advice but seriously....................need i say more
  • Opusarlo
    Opusarlo Posts: 53
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    Don't enable with money - give her what she needs. Food, Gas, Electric bill (make check out to electric company). She may scoff at this, but then you need to ask yourself what she really needs the money for
  • mommyoftwins05
    mommyoftwins05 Posts: 645 Member
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    I wouldn't help her anymore.. man she sounds like my mom. she would never pay her bills.. spend it on stupid stuff like lottery and bingo and so on... good luck
  • Schraudt814
    Schraudt814 Posts: 496 Member
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    Wow this is so hard- I'll defintiely be praying for y'all! I have to say this might be a situation where tough love is in order- I do think you should sit and have a heart to heart to see if you can come to a solution. I also don't think it will help but it's necessary to preserve your own feelings. The fact that she would mention that on facebook is immature and frankly it's not going to stop. If she hasn't learned to at least appreciate all you've done for her then she never will- and you will only hurt yourself and your family. There comes a point when you as hard as it is, you have to think of your own family that you are raising and stop trying to "raise" your mother.
  • sue26
    sue26 Posts: 412
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    This is not really advice - but - I would love to have a mother to give money to.
  • thumper44
    thumper44 Posts: 1,464 Member
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    This is not really advice - but - I would love to have a mother to give money to.

    I know the feeling.
  • yankeefamily05
    yankeefamily05 Posts: 657
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    Its one thing if she asked for 20 dollars here and there to help her get by until next pay day. But this is not the case, It sounds like she is depending TOO much on you. Sadly enough! I know she is your mom but you have to think about yourself. Its really not about the money. Its the fact that she expects you to bail her out whenever she needs it.

    Keep your head up. Don't give her anymore money. By doing so you would only be enabling her.

    Sorry hun!:(
  • yankeefamily05
    yankeefamily05 Posts: 657
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    I would give her the money as a gift. I would consider just how much money goes into raising a child into adulthood and how much effort. It has long been the custom that children take care of their parents once they reach working age
    . It's only now in time that people begin to question it. Parents are owed respect and support and while it can be draining, it's nonetheless a societal responsibility on adult children. We should love and care for our aging parents in any way possible.

    Just my opinion, of course. I know full well how inconvenient it is to send parents money, however I feel it's important to do so in a respectful, non demeaning, non embarrassing way. Asking for money-even when youre thinking you'll receive it- is never easy.

    the normal parent doesn't "expect" their child in the future to support them fully. I could see if she was laid off or didn't have a job etc...or even a job that didn't pay enough to cover her expenses. But she shouldn't expect anything. My mom on the other hand is wheelchair bound with 4 younger siblings at home. She can't work. Do I help her, yes I do. But its a totally different situation and she doesn't expect it.
  • sushisuzi2
    sushisuzi2 Posts: 111 Member
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    Just say NO. Where does her money go? I'd give her the phone number for a consumer credit counceling center.
    Are there any shopping addictions there??

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