Should I just give up on her? Rant/Need Advice
LJSpady
Posts: 311 Member
Ok, so 3 or so months ago my girlfriend and I decided to make changes in our lives to be healthier and get fit. I was broke and not working at the time, and she had a really good paying job so she went out and got both of us gym memberships, which she still pays on monthly basis (hers is $35 a month, mine is $20 a month). Well, after the first week I noticed that she was starting to lose motivation. She would make excuses (although, back then I considered them valid reasons) why she couldn't make it to the gym, and why she couldn't eat like she should, but she was still vowing to do this with me, and as soon as the semester was over, that she'd be in the gym 3-4 days a week and all that jazz. Well, she's been out of school for a month now, and I can count on one hand the number of times she's been to the gym. But it's NOT from a lack of me trying. I get up (most) mornings at 6 am to go to the gym. Now, her main excuse is that she's not a morning person, and that it's hard for her to get up that early. Which is fine by me, because for a while we actually would go in the evenings when she got out of school after I'd already been to the gym that day, so I got 2 workouts in one day! But even when we did that, I could only get her to commit to MAYBE one day a week. And now with our new work schedules we can't go in the evenings anymore. The only time either of us is free is in the mornings.
And her excuses are getting worse and more varied and more frequent. It seems like every single morning her back hurts or her legs hurt, or her head hurts, or she went to bed too late. Yesterday's excuse was that she had somewhere to be with her dad at 10am , so she couldn't go with me (the water aerobics class that we go to gets out at 10). So I go without her, and get back at 11am to find her IN BED ASLEEP!!!!! She didn't end up leave with her dad until NOON! I get so sick of her excuses and bull****! And almost every night I ask her if she wants to get up in the morning and go to the gym with me, and sometimes she's honest and says no, which I'm ok with, but I guess she starts to feel bad for turning me down (and herself down, really) so much that she'll say yes, but in the morning I'll get some lame *kitten* excuse as to why she can't/won't go. For a while just stopped inviting her to the gym and just up and went without her, and she had the nerve to get offended and ask why I never want to take her with me!
Just this morning I tried waking her up (which is a battle in of itself) 'cause she said she'd go to the gym with me today and I told her straight up I was getting up at 7am. So I try to wake her at 7, and it takes 15 mins to get a response from her. She asks why we're gong so early ('cause I have stuff to do today) and if we can go in 2 hours. klshyourdfhkuadfshiablidbkbh
So now I'm waiting until 9am so that she'll get up and go with me (which so no longer has a choice anymore)... but it's so damn frustrating! I want to just give up on her, because clearly she's given up on herself. I put so much time and energy into getting her to do something she says she wants but doesn't really want.
I know I'd feel bad if I completely gave up on her, especially since she's paying for my gym membership, but at the same time she is wasting my time, and some days, 'causing me to shorted or miss my workout all together. GRRR
What do you guys think?
And her excuses are getting worse and more varied and more frequent. It seems like every single morning her back hurts or her legs hurt, or her head hurts, or she went to bed too late. Yesterday's excuse was that she had somewhere to be with her dad at 10am , so she couldn't go with me (the water aerobics class that we go to gets out at 10). So I go without her, and get back at 11am to find her IN BED ASLEEP!!!!! She didn't end up leave with her dad until NOON! I get so sick of her excuses and bull****! And almost every night I ask her if she wants to get up in the morning and go to the gym with me, and sometimes she's honest and says no, which I'm ok with, but I guess she starts to feel bad for turning me down (and herself down, really) so much that she'll say yes, but in the morning I'll get some lame *kitten* excuse as to why she can't/won't go. For a while just stopped inviting her to the gym and just up and went without her, and she had the nerve to get offended and ask why I never want to take her with me!
Just this morning I tried waking her up (which is a battle in of itself) 'cause she said she'd go to the gym with me today and I told her straight up I was getting up at 7am. So I try to wake her at 7, and it takes 15 mins to get a response from her. She asks why we're gong so early ('cause I have stuff to do today) and if we can go in 2 hours. klshyourdfhkuadfshiablidbkbh
So now I'm waiting until 9am so that she'll get up and go with me (which so no longer has a choice anymore)... but it's so damn frustrating! I want to just give up on her, because clearly she's given up on herself. I put so much time and energy into getting her to do something she says she wants but doesn't really want.
I know I'd feel bad if I completely gave up on her, especially since she's paying for my gym membership, but at the same time she is wasting my time, and some days, 'causing me to shorted or miss my workout all together. GRRR
What do you guys think?
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Replies
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When she's ready she will join you again. You can't force someone to believe in what you believe in or live the lifestyle you are currently living.
Set an example, be her inspiration. Once she sees your dedication and commitment, that is bound to inspire her to improve her health.
Right now focus on you....0 -
You can only do so much. You should feel proud of yourself for trying so hard!0
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When she's ready she will join you again. You can't force someone to believe in what you believe in or live the lifestyle you are currently living.
Set an example, be her inspiration. Once she sees your dedication and commitment, that is bound to inspire her to improve her health.
Right now focus on you....
AGREED!!! Sit her down, tell her you're not going to rearrange your schedule for her, you really want to do this together but you're finding it hard to keep yourself on track trying to adjust for her. Don't ask her to come with anymore, just tell her when you're going and what your plan is, and that she's more than welcome to join you!0 -
You can't want it more for her then she want for herself. Good luck0
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You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.0
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When she's ready she will join you again. You can't force someone to believe in what you believe in or live the lifestyle you are currently living.
Set an example, be her inspiration. Once she sees your dedication and commitment, that is bound to inspire her to improve her health.
Right now focus on you....
I agree.... go by yourself, show her your progress and she will be inspired
That is how I motivate people. I also am public about my weightloss. I have the website post on Facebook my checkins for weight and my daily completion of my dairy. I will help you by showing you the way, but it is up to you to go down the path 0 -
The night before I would invite her to go, tell her what time you're leaving and if she wants to join you, she can be an adult and set an alarm like the rest of us. You shouldn't feel like you need to wake her up or wait. She knows what time you are planning on leaving, and when she makes the choice for herself, she will get up and go as well.
Sorry you're having to deal with this tho! Just remember, its all about choices, and you are making the right ones! You can't make someone else do something they don't want to do. Just stick with it!
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You're doing this for you so just keep up your hard work. If she joins you, great. If not, you just get your workout in & keep going!0
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Well, first of all, congrats to you for sticking to it and really committing to your new lifestyle! As for your friend, I don't think you should give up on her completely. You should still invite her to come with you, but don't wait around for her either. When she is ready to commit like you have, she will. Until then all you can do is keep the invitation open and be a good example! Keep up the good work!0
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When she's ready she will join you again. You can't force someone to believe in what you believe in or live the lifestyle you are currently living.
Set an example, be her inspiration. Once she sees your dedication and commitment, that is bound to inspire her to improve her health.
Right now focus on you....
That's exactly what I was going to say. SHE has to be the one who wants this... So until she gets to the point where enough is enough, there's not much you can do.
In the meantime, yes... set an example. Keep pressing on. Keep improving yourself. Keep losing more weight and toning that fine body of yours. At some point, she'll look at you and be jealous she didn't keep going... THEN she'll have to get motivated if she wants to see the same results. :-)0 -
it sounds like she may have other issues blocking her motivation. its one thing to procrastinate, but to turn you down almost every time- maybe try talking to her about what made her feel motivated to change back when you both started together. Maybe she's feeling a bit depressed and when she sees you working out it makes her feel even worse. just tell her that you won't judge her if she doesn't want to work out, that you won't be disappointed in her, but you've made a change and you don't want to go back.0
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Just go without her.
Tell her what time you are going and say if you want to come I am leaving @ blank blank time and if you arent ready I am going with out you and then just go. that way she cant say you didn't ask - but then you also dont have to fight with her to get up.
You cant force her to go- it wont help her. I had the same issue- the more people pushed me the less I wanted to do it.
She will see how much better you feel and look and then she will decide to either join the club or not....
about her paying for the membership- dont worry about it for now- cross that bridge when you get to it. She apparently doesnt feel bad about paying for hers and not going so why should you feel bad - about her paying for you when you are going.
She'll come around but it has to be when she is ready.
Good luck!0 -
I think it's a good thing you got this out here! Clearly this has been pent up for a little while...I feel your pain though! I try to get my bf to go and he never really gives a reason why he won't- he just says no....He doesn't have any weight to lose but I want to help him be healthy. The most important thing you can do is set an example for her. Focus on you and keep going for YOURSELF--she'll either come around or she won't but unfortunately you cannot FORCE her to care. I would be willing to bet she might change her attitude when she sees how it's paying off for you. But don't let her guilt you either- if she doesn't want to go that's on her and she has no right to fuss at you for "not taking her"- she's a big girl she can go if she wants to! Good luck!0
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I think the day before, you should just say "I'm going to the gym tomorrow at __am if you want to come" and then just go. That way you have given her notice, but you're not bugging her in the morning.
When you just get up and go, she'll make her own mind up about whether she wants to come or not, and she'll know you'll go without her if she's not up or about.
Then you have invited her, but its up to her to make the commitment to come with you.0 -
Once she sees the weight dropping off of you, she'll be jealous and that will probably get her moving! Good luck!:laugh:0
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I dont think you can force it. If she doesnt want to go to the gym, she wont. But you keep going and working on yourself. Because while you are trying to do this with her, you have to think about yourself and what is right for you.0
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lead by example. you are doing a great job btw!0
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Stay the course. Tell her your gym schedule (the one you create to fit your needs) and if she shows great if not don't stress. It's wonderful she helped you with the gym membership. It was a gift. Thank her for helping you achieve your goals but past that you do not owe her anymore. When your friend starts to see you achieve your goals through your hard work and dedication, she will either be motivated or jealous about it. You cannot do the work for others but you can for yourself. This is a life lesson in friendship and choices. Be there for her if you want but do not expect that it may be returned. Stay strong and make this time given to you count. Best of Luck on your journey0
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you're girlfriend is the person losing out not you, all you can do is make it clear that you are going on such day at such a time and if she wants to come too you'll be more than happy, leave it at that , no more nagging or feeling frustrated because you can't get her up etc , it's her choice.......... i can't believe she's still happy to pay out all that money every month strange indeed0
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I agree with the above posters. I also think its important that you have a honest conversation when you're calm, and tell her how you feel about it. But I wouldn't take a hard approach or lay on the guilt. More like "This is what I'm going to do, because I need to do it. I love it when you come with me, but it's stressful if I feel like it's difficult to get you to come on days you're not up for it. How about this: when I go, I would so love it if you would come. If you want to come, just get ready and join me. If you don't feel up to coming, you don't have to say anything but 'have a great workout. I'm proud of you."0
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Go for you staying motivated even without your partner! My fiance and I had this problem. Lately we started trying to get in shape and we came up with a rule. If we both work out 6 days a week we either go out for dinner of get ice cream or pizza. If one of us works out for less than 3 days than the other person gets control over the remote for 2 days. haha
It's been working for us so far and it's a way to motivate each other. But if your girlfriend isn't motivated at all just do your own thing and when that weight starts coming off and your feeling great about yourself, your girlfriend might get newfound motivation
Good luck!0 -
Don't let an unwilling friend derail your excellent efforts! Why not write up your gym schedule and stick it on the fridge. Tell her that's when you intend to go and she'd be more than welcome to join you at any of those times. then the ball's firmly in her court! If not, hopefully your results will inspire her to start again. Good luck!0
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I would say let her know every so often that you'd love it if she came with you, and something the two of you could do together but I wouldn't press the issue every time. Just get on with your own workouts and leave her to do what she likes.
If she get's annoyed your not inviting her, say again that you'd love it if she came but since she often can't make it you'll just leave the decisions up to her but she's welcome everytime. Also bring it into conversation what time you're leaving every morning so she knows, and can't say she didn't know you were going so early/late.
In the end she will either decide to give up completely or realise what she's missing, and how well you are doing and decide to come, but it will be from her own choice then and probably more likely to stick to it.0 -
I, too think you should focus on you. You should say something to her like "look, do you want to do this or not? I can't keep planing my workouts and plans around you if you are going to keep bailing on me. It isn't fair to me." As for her excuses, they are just that. My sister in law always makes excuses why she can't spend time with the family because she is "so busy" Like we all arnt!!! She dosn't even have any kids!!! LOL! Your time is just as valuble as hers, so if she is going to keep bailing on you and making excuses, don't bother anymore!0
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I know the feeling completely. My fiance and I have done this back and forth for years. Seriously. When he's motivated and working out everyday, I had 40 hours of work, 20 hours of internship, 6 hours of graduate school class, homework and research for said graduate school, and my sister's son to care for. or some variety thereof. When I was motivated and working out everyday, he had work, class, homework, and family issues going on. We tried to keep each other motivated as best we could, but in the end we had to look out for ourselves. I would be honest and tell her "this is what I'm doing, you're welcome to join me when you want but you don't have to" and just go. The good thing is that diet-wise she'll also benefit from you eating better.
Good luck, I know the feeling. You do you, let her do her.0 -
Tell her the night before and tell her to set her alarm clock, because you won't be waking her up!! If she's not ready to leave when you are, then you can just assume she can't/won't/ doesn't want to go! You can't hold her hand all thru life! Love her dearly...but hold her accountable for her own actions!! Keep a visable calendar with the dates/times you go to the gym. Have both your names on there with a little place to check off whether you attended that day or not. Maybe if she can visibly see that she isn't going like she should....it may help. Hard to get someone to do something they don't want to do. Maybe when she sees the progress you've made .... she will come to realize she's got to get her butt in gear!!! Good luck! 0
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yeah give up tbh. That would really annoy me0
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She's letting both herself and you down. Keep up the good work and hopefully she'll come around again and start joining you. 0
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My Grandma always said you can lead a horse to water but u can't make them drink it. Sounds like her mindset isn't ready for this journey you are dedicated to. I have a friend the same way. I don't give up on her but I have to think about my journey and this journey is hard enough without someone that isn't dedicated pulling me down. Let her know you love her and would love for her to join you on your new journey. But this journey is about you. She is more than welcome to come to the gym with you. But you are not going to let her money be wasted by not going to the gym and get her money's worth. When she sees how much you are losing and all the attention you are getting she will get back on track. Just be there when this happens to support her. Good Luck. Need extra modivation you can add me as a friend.
Sarah :flowerforyou:0 -
Exactly....Don't bug her anymore...just go do your own thing (and be dam proud of yourself). If she asks when you going let her know, but don't try to push her or even give her a wake up call. She's an adult and needs to be accountable to herself! So sweet that's she's taking care of the GYM....I'm sure you've thanked her so go enjoy it and take care of you!When she's ready she will join you again. You can't force someone to believe in what you believe in or live the lifestyle you are currently living.
Set an example, be her inspiration. Once she sees your dedication and commitment, that is bound to inspire her to improve her health.
Right now focus on you....
That's exactly what I was going to say. SHE has to be the one who wants this... So until she gets to the point where enough is enough, there's not much you can do.
In the meantime, yes... set an example. Keep pressing on. Keep improving yourself. Keep losing more weight and toning that fine body of yours. At some point, she'll look at you and be jealous she didn't keep going... THEN she'll have to get motivated if she wants to see the same results. :-)0
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