Pre-Marital test has me feeling depressed!

2»

Replies

  • NanBar
    NanBar Posts: 283 Member
    You should ask some friends or family that are already married to take the same test and see what their results are. You might find 67% is a really good result!

    Coming from someone in a VERY happy marriage- I think THIS is the best advice you have received.
  • AEisele
    AEisele Posts: 98 Member
    I felt like we were good together, that we understand eachother. We have fun together, we make eachother laugh, we do a lot of things together.


    Has your oppinion changed just because of the test? A good marriage is based on bendability not so much compatability. You learn to give more than you take and change when needed. With good communication and shared spiritual goals, you'll be fine. Remember ; Two are better than one.......and a three fold cord can not be easily broken.

    This from someone who has been happily married to her best friend for 34 years. And believe me, we are very different in our likes and dislikes. I know we wouldn't pass that test. But we love each other and share storng spiritual beleifs and goals.
  • kelsully
    kelsully Posts: 1,008 Member
    The issue with tests like this is that is does not take certain things into consideration. ie..men and women read the same question differently...what does the word support mean to each of you? There was a post earlier today in which a husband suggested that his wife have plastic surgery when she expressed a frustration about her stomach. Men and women view the exact same situation differently..so while he was most likely "helping" his wife by giving her a possible solution to her problem she just needed someone to listen and hug her and tell her it was ok...They don't have a lack of compatability etc they are a man and a woman doing the best they can...upon a further discussion they worked it out...that is marriage...figuring out how to make it work despite doing things and seeing things differently...marriage is not always being in agreance from jump street....

    Also...I do a lot of things because it is how I want to be treated thus think I am being supportive etc. When I am stressed out or sad over a situation...ONE offer of help, company etc is great..even better in a text or email but mostly I want to know the help is there if I need it but I really want to handle things myself. I in turn give people the same space...one mention of my concern, care etc then I back off and give them space...my sister in law sees me as cool and unsupportive because of this. She wants people all around her and to be busy etc...I don't do enough for her in her times of need and when I have a time of need her business is aggravating and crowding...I think I am doing the right thing and so does she...when we talked about it once it helped...she backs off, not enough for my liking but she is trying and I try to be more present when she is in need....it is about trying to meet in the middle...
  • LilChickPea
    LilChickPea Posts: 122 Member
    Don't sweat it! I'm Catholic and my hubby is not, but he went through pre-cana with me. We did a test as well. The priest looked at us and said you are not compatible at all. We looked at each and laughed. He said with a straight face, "I'm serious. This is not good." Well, here we are, 7 years and doing great! Our marriage has gone through some SERIOUS tough times in just those 7 years, but it has only made us stronger.

    Take it with a grain of salt!

    Not to get too religious here, but God brought you together and God does not make mistakes.

    Good Luck!
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
    Although it would be hard to hear when you are so in love, instead of letting the results get you down, let them fuel you into working on those areas that need work. You are blessed to find out these things now rather than after 5 years of hard feelings and misunderstandings. I will be praying that God's will is done in your relationship and that you are both obedient to what you hear from HIM.

    What she said. :smile: And congratulations on your upcoming wedding. You two will be just fine. :flowerforyou:
  • goron59
    goron59 Posts: 890 Member
    Congratulations on your engagement!

    Forget about the 67% being bad.

    You have a lifetime to grow in compatibility. If you were 100% at the start, the only way you can grow is apart!

    Here's to your golden anniversary :)
  • stacygowler
    stacygowler Posts: 4 Member
    In my experience with pre-marital counseling, we learned that a lot of couples go into marriage thinking that their relationship is awesome and that they are in a good spot. Obviously you want to be in a good spot going into the marriage, but you also don't want to let 'good spot' translate into 'don't need to work at it'. Marriage, and relationships of any kind, take a lot of work. Try to think of this 'test' as a spring board for conversations, and let those conversations move towards actions and behaviors that will build your relationship up. I also would recommend the books "for men only" and "for women only". They give great insight into how the opposite sex is thinking.

    http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1308088036&sr=8-2
    http://www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Straightforward-Guide-Inner/dp/1590525728/ref=pd_sim_b_1

    I know that we took a similar test during our pre-marital counseling, and I honestly can't remember what our score was. Don't let a number define your relationship, but learn from the insight that the results can give you.
  • ladygloria
    ladygloria Posts: 279 Member
    Look at it as a starting place for open conversations. For example, you can say "it says you don't feel like I support you in your job, can you tell me why? What can I do to help you feel more supported." Maybe using it this way you can talk about things that would otherwise never come out in the open but might fester under the surface.

    As far as the "67% compatible" - don't read too much into that!! My husband and I would have probably come out as very incompatible - our likes, our family backgrounds, our interests, etc were very different; about all we had in common was our religion and that we really loved each other. 16 years later, we've grown more like each other. I'm actually interested in cars now *gasp* and he is a reader -has read Pride & Prejudice (the real one by Jane Austin) and loved it. We still have plenty of different interests and desires - he's a self-professed redneck and I'm a math geek - but we work to complement each other (one of us has a gap, the other can often fill it in). A marriage is more about what you are willing to put into it than what you bring into it.
    .

    All important points. The point of this counseling is to prepare you for the open and honest communication you need in a successful marriage. Far too many people divorce on key issues that are brought up in those tests and are things that must be discussed to learn how to build your relationship on trust. Trust and communication are the keys to a good marriage, which will cause lots of hurt feelings over the years because of how much the simplest act or word stings from the ones we love the most. Starting now, you two are working on becoming one and don't worry, you don't have to be a 100% copy of one another to happily live in a successful marriage. Remember that this relationship doesn't boil down to a day of ceremony, no matter how fancy, but a lifetime of commitment, hard work, patience, trust, communication, and love.
  • 37mom
    37mom Posts: 74
    Don't sweat it! I'm Catholic and my hubby is not, but he went through pre-cana with me. We did a test as well. The priest looked at us and said you are not compatible at all. We looked at each and laughed. He said with a straight face, "I'm serious. This is not good." Well, here we are, 7 years and doing great! Our marriage has gone through some SERIOUS tough times in just those 7 years, but it has only made us stronger.

    Take it with a grain of salt!

    Not to get too religious here, but God brought you together and God does not make mistakes.

    Good Luck!
    What kind of priest did you have...lol...I am catholic and we did some test also. I am pretty sure we didn't do as well as we thought we would...but our priest just smiled and said" now you know what to work on" ......What a silly priest you had!
  • kristelpoole
    kristelpoole Posts: 440 Member
    There are so many things on there that are bringing me down right now! Like how I think I support him in his career and he doesn't think I do, or how he doesn't think we solve our conflicts.

    The test means nothing, but this does.

    Agreed. You have to be able to hear this kind of honest (albeit hard to hear) feedback and put it to good use. Talk about it, work on it. You want him to feel supported, right? But he doesn't. So what does that mean to him and what does he think would make him feel that you support him? It's okay to have a conflict like this, but you have to solve it together and that takes active participation and communication from both sides without building up resentment. Good luck! It's a great opportunity to build an amazing marriage!
  • femmerides
    femmerides Posts: 843 Member
    i think 67% is great. remember, you are bringing two very different people together. your biggest challenge will be learning how to combine these two lives together and be happy. my husband and i only have a few things in common but we compliment each other really well. and we're best friends! also, i think this test is awesome. it now gives you guys things to work on BEFORE you get married. it's better to work it all out before than to get married and have big problems. so look at the test and figure out what needs work and work on it. marriage is so awesome but it's also a lot of work. good luck hon!
  • sculley
    sculley Posts: 2,012 Member
    Dear I understand your stressing but honestly, when you love someone you overlook certain things and you learn about one another and eventually mesh...If you guys have no problems warning signs etc other than a test honestly I wouldn't let it get to you. It will never be a high percentage for anyone becasue everyone is SOOO different no matter how much you have in common. Just breathe remember that if ya'll are insync like my husband and I any stress that you have can rub off on your man. My husband and I never did good on those types of test. I have known him for 12 years we are newlyweds and yes we have our moments but everyone does........Best of luck to you atleast now you have something you can work on if you think it is an issue. the test isn't meant to tell you your not meant to be but to bring up things that could be an issue later. Stay positive!
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    I just had another thought about this - be happy that your fiance felt he could be honest about his feelings on these matters. Not everyone would express how they feel because they're afraid to hurt the other person's feelings or afraid of how it would look to the counselor who's reviewing the results. Better to be out in the open so it can be dealt with than hidden and causing resentment.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories