How to handle a spouse who doesn't want you to lose the weight?
Evoletlove
Posts: 12 Member
Well I will first say that I met my Fiance in my freshman year in high school. We could never stop checking in on each other even when we had moved on into other relationships. Years later when I left a long term relationship I had found he had left one too. ( she cheated) , but sooner than I had. He was there for me to heal and we ended up together in time.
He has always been heavy but I'm now 235 pounds and was only 150 threw high school or thinner. My mother died and I had a baby and threw other stress factors have ended up doing this to myself. He gets a little worked up when I talk about the weight loss and outfits I cannot wait for. I have always had guys after me, but threw my parents love story have learned to hold out for real love. Yesterday I started eating better with a big passion.
I work 3rd shift and today slept a lot to ketch up, only to wake up to him ordering pizza for everyone. I asked if he remembered our talk of the wedding coming in a year and a half and our health for the baby to grow up with good habits. He said yes and that he was sorry and would try harder then wakes up from a nap and ignores the veggie trays and other health food and polished off the rest of the pizza ,claiming he didn't want to waste food when he leaves the health food rot all the time.
He knows right now its hard for me to say no to these kinds of foods and that he is so unhealthy he snores threw my ear plugs and fan. He cant get up the stairs easy and believes he is mostly muscle with crazy stories. I could care less if he were to stay big , but I'd like him to be around a long time and at least stop giving me "treats" and "gifts" out of "love".
He is always aggravated if I say I'm going to the gym or deny take out for healthy food. It's not till my sisters hubby comes over with his px - 90 gear that he does good for a while or works out because he doesn't want someone to look better than him. I tell him all the time to get a work out buddy to compete with or go out with the guys, but he hasn't in a year.
If this comes off harsh I don't mean it. I just would like a shot at sleep with out his snores and squealing noises and him to stop tempting me. I have no intention of leaving him even if I lost every pound. Sometimes I think he will snap out of it when I get so far along and he see's how happy I am. And maybe he would even join me but after losing my mother to health problems, some from being heavy I don't want to lose him too.
His dad has diabetes and heart problems. Even has had a few heart attacks in his 40's. His mom has health problems as well. Any advice on this would be great from guys or girls. I want to be fair. I have talked and talked to him and nothing gets threw.
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Replies
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I'm sorry ( I can relate to the sleep thing. I haven't slept well in 15 yrs because of my husband. Lol )
As far as the health stuff just remember this is hard for him too. Some people don't respond well to change. Give him time and reassure him you love him. Just keep doing it for yourself and hopefully he will catch on. You can't change others but do have the power to change yourself. So keep up the good work . and don't be afraid to enjoy a slice of pizza. Instead of eating 6 slices though, just have one along with him and have a side salad. Show him how treats can be incorporated into a healthy diet and show him about portion control and moderation. Maybe he will catch on.0 -
I am confused - you say it's about your weight loss but it comes across as if for you his being big is the real problem and you try to push him too much. That's the picture I get from your post, I could be wrong of course.
We have supreme authority over our own bodies. You lose the weight when you're ready; he lsoes it when he is ready. Trying to influence him probably won't help, and it might just ruin your relationship. As for your weight loss, nobody can tempt or sabotage you but yourself.
You mention repeatedly the snoring, with a lot of zeal - sweetheart, everybody snores. Even thin people, although probably less. The snoring will come and go and if you can't learn to live with it, well...
If it is a symptom of a serious issue, may be get him to talk to a doctor? But if he never changes, what will you do? Is it a deal breaker for you? You say you won't leave him if you lose the weight - and if he doesn't lose his extra weight? Are you prepared to love and accept him as he is? Even if he has a shortened life expectancy?
Time for introspeçtion I think...0 -
Make changes for yourself and don't expect him to make changes just because you are. If you keep pestering him, the only thing you're likely to do is make him more likely not to make the changes you want. It's just human nature. He has to decide for himself that he wants to, and then when and how, he's going to make changes.
Is it hard to stand by and watch him make bad choice? Sure. Believe me, my mom is on dialysis now because she let her Diabetes run unchecked for lots of years. It didn't have to be this way. But she made her choices. It's been a major source of motivation in my own weight loss journey. But the fact is you have to let people make their own choices.0 -
It is obvious that your husband is simply not ready to make the changes that you are. That's why he sabotaging you every step of the way.
You will not be successful in changing him. He has to change him. Keep your eyes on your own plate and lead by example.
One other thing: Has your husband been tested for sleep apnea? Being overweight and snoring a lot are two of the key components. Your family doctor would be the first step in getting him tested.
I wish you well with this. It's never an easy journey.
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The only thing I can comment on are the "treats" out of "love". I had to have a talk to my husband about that one too. We are doing this together so we agreed that we'd stop buying each other junk as a sign of love but rather encourage health in one another as a sign of love.0
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He was actually the first one to start wanting to work out and drop weight and be fit. But when it comes to it he won't go threw with it long. Yes I would stay with him and said so lol but it was a long post. His father and grandfather had the same snoring issues and weight loss helped a lot. When I called the doctor he said weight loss would probably help a lot. But this would mean this man going to the doctor lol and he won't. He says if he goes he will just get bad news and get upset. Thank you everyone for the advice. I will focus on me and my plate. ( I like how that was said). He was big both times we have been together and that's fine. But when he has to stop half way up the stairs or pushes junk food on me or even freaks his mom out when he downs 4 plates at a cook out I tend to worry about him.
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You have to find focus for yourself. Ask him for support, show him by example that you're serious. Then let it go. People we live with are sometimes annoying, hey we're not perfect peaches, either!! The advice I gave my young adult daughters when various issues came up with their loved ones? "Are you better off with him, or without him?" AND, if you can't change a situation, you have to change your attitude about it. Life is too short to be stressing over everything!!! 0
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Ok just have to say.... It's through not threw!
Threw = I threw the ball
Through = I'm going through something
That said, you have to start making changes for yourself and not let him distract you. Hopefully he will come around as he sees you losing weight and want to join you. I have been having the same issue with my gf and she tries to make it sound like I want her to lose weight with me because I don't like the way she looks. For me it's about trying to live a healthier lifestyle together so we are both around to enjoy each other's company longer.
She seems to be coming around though and I'm optimistic we will do this together!0 -
Honestly, I would just set a good example and hope he follows.. He doesn't have to live in your body, you do. You have to be happy with it, no one else matters.0
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For the sleep side http://www.screwfix.com/p/howard-leight-laser-lite-35db-ear-plugs-200-pairs/38688?kpid=38688&cm_mmc=Google-_-Product Listing Ads-_-Sales Tracking-_-sales tracking url&cm_mmc=Google-_-Shopping - Safety and Workwear-_-Shopping - Safety and Workwear&gclid=CjwKEAiAh560BRDu-aD93r-J_zoSJACrxZG2FQfMvZ2ZSmXtazDeprkfZxZKskPL3C8zmJr6yhPRTRoC04jw_wcB
This works for me , seriously :-)
My first thought when you mentioned sabotage was "insecurity". Does he feel more secure if you think you are less attractive to the opposite sex ? Just a guess but its one I would expore.0 -
I do not undrstand your post. You have been into this new lifestyle for 1 day. When did he have time to support you or not support you? He probably has no reason to even think you are serious at this point. And the title says you are upset he does not want you to lose weight, but then the post is about him not acknowledging he needs to lose weight.0
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The snoring issues she is pointing out, especially in context of his weight, suggest sleep apnea which isn't just "everyone snores." Sleep apnea is when the walls of the throat narrow or collapse and restricts breathing, in some cases breathing stops altogether for various amounts of time. This is very dangerous for those with acute sleep apnea. Especially in the context of his family history of diabetes etc.
I can completely understand why the OP is concerned for her husband - not because of "being big" — but as she says "I'd like him to be around a long time."
In relation to people saying they're confused why she's talking so much about her husband's lack of weight loss, again it's important context to may be why he is potentially not as supportive in her current health journey.
OP - I don't know what to suggest other than having a proper (and possibly painful) sit down and go over all of this by him, even if it turns a bit heated. He may be feeling less than adequate while you are losing weight and he is the same. Some of us find it harder to get the motivation to be as dedicated as you are, as it sounds. Obvs none of us know him like you but he may be indirectly, or without knowing, sabotaging because needs more help himself to be on the same page.0 -
The snoring issues she is pointing out, especially in context of his weight, suggest sleep apnea which isn't just "everyone snores." Sleep apnea is when the walls of the throat narrow or collapse and restricts breathing, in some cases breathing stops altogether for various amounts of time. This is very dangerous for those with acute sleep apnea. Especially in the context of his family history of diabetes etc.
I can completely understand why the OP is concerned for her husband - not because of "being big" — but as she says "I'd like him to be around a long time."
In relation to people saying they're confused why she's talking so much about her husband's lack of weight loss, again it's important context to may be why he is potentially not as supportive in her current health journey.
OP - I don't know what to suggest other than having a proper (and possibly painful) sit down and go over all of this by him, even if it turns a bit heated. He may be feeling less than adequate while you are losing weight and he is the same. Some of us find it harder to get the motivation to be as dedicated as you are, as it sounds. Obvs none of us know him like you but he may be indirectly, or without knowing, sabotaging because needs more help himself to be on the same page.
She has reached 235 lbs. She has just decided to lose weight. If she starts lecturing him about HIS weight and health, he is either going to laugh or think she is crazy. If she had changed her lifestyle and had e.g. lost the first 50 lbs, it woudl be a different story. But, as this point of the journey, she has no right being upset with him.0 -
Leave him alone. When my husband nagged me about my weight, it always backfired. It would send me right to the couch with a bag of Oreos.
The best you can do is stick to your own goals and lead by example.0 -
I agree with most of the comments/suggestions here. Miss you have to do this for yourself and if and when he is ready he will follow suit. You cannot blame his eating or lack of motivation as a reason to get derailed from your weightloss journey. When I got tired of my postpartum weight gain, I did it for myself. Sure, I mentioned it to my husband and tried to motivate him to get back to the gym and focus on portion control but he just wasn't ready. It was my consistency that finally motivated him to jump on board. When we ordered out I ate as well, just less of it. There is no need (imo) to do a 180 degree change. Sometimes small changes are better and are more likely to stick. GL0
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Are you planning on having more children with him? Is he your baby's father or is he planning on adopting your baby? With his attitude towards his health I would frankly rule him out as husband or father material, especially given the health history of his parents. Yes, he's going to get bad news from the doctor - that if he doesn't change something, he too will have a heart attack in his 40s, if not sooner. He needs to man up and face this. You should go with him to the doctor's.
I would not marry someone who was eating himself into an early grave. Don't confuse love with enabling or codependency.0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Are you planning on having more children with him? Is he your baby's father or is he planning on adopting your baby? With his attitude towards his health I would frankly rule him out as husband or father material, especially given the health history of his parents. Yes, he's going to get bad news from the doctor - that if he doesn't change something, he too will have a heart attack in his 40s, if not sooner. He needs to man up and face this. You should go with him to the doctor's.
I would not marry someone who was eating himself into an early grave. Don't confuse love with enabling or codependency.
It works both ways. He could probably say the exact same things about her.
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The snoring issues she is pointing out, especially in context of his weight, suggest sleep apnea which isn't just "everyone snores." Sleep apnea is when the walls of the throat narrow or collapse and restricts breathing, in some cases breathing stops altogether for various amounts of time. This is very dangerous for those with acute sleep apnea. Especially in the context of his family history of diabetes etc.
I can completely understand why the OP is concerned for her husband - not because of "being big" — but as she says "I'd like him to be around a long time."
In relation to people saying they're confused why she's talking so much about her husband's lack of weight loss, again it's important context to may be why he is potentially not as supportive in her current health journey.
OP - I don't know what to suggest other than having a proper (and possibly painful) sit down and go over all of this by him, even if it turns a bit heated. He may be feeling less than adequate while you are losing weight and he is the same. Some of us find it harder to get the motivation to be as dedicated as you are, as it sounds. Obvs none of us know him like you but he may be indirectly, or without knowing, sabotaging because needs more help himself to be on the same page.
She has reached 235 lbs. She has just decided to lose weight. If she starts lecturing him about HIS weight and health, he is either going to laugh or think she is crazy. If she had changed her lifestyle and had e.g. lost the first 50 lbs, it woudl be a different story. But, as this point of the journey, she has no right being upset with him.
I am reading this differently to you. Yeah, you can't be upset with someone for not wanting to lose weight. You do it for yourself and for your health. But at the same time, especially when you're in a partnership or whether it is a family member, you do have every right to speak in an appropriate and sensitive manner to let them know you are here to help if they need it, or help get them on the right track. I don't see how having a sit down talk is seen as automatically "lecturing." It's just called being adults. We're not mind readers.
Yeah, who gives a stuff if someone in huge, tiny, whatever — but if there are serious health issues happening, I'm sorry but who the heck wouldn't be upset seeing a loved one get ill especially if there is a family history of diabetes or heart failure, then why not chat to see how they are?0 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »It is obvious that your husband is simply not ready to make the changes that you are. That's why he sabotaging you every step of the way.
You will not be successful in changing him. He has to change him. Keep your eyes on your own plate and lead by example.
One other thing: Has your husband been tested for sleep apnea? Being overweight and snoring a lot are two of the key components. Your family doctor would be the first step in getting him tested.
I wish you well with this. It's never an easy journey.
This. My husband sleeps with a mask now and it's made life much easier for both of us...
But yeah... stop focusing on what he's doing. Focus on what you're doing. I would never have lost the weight if I was expecting my husband to eat like me. He still snacks on junk and orders the highest calorie items at the restaurant... it doesn't mean I have to (plus honestly the lower calorie stuff is often better than all that fried/high in fat food). My husband gave me some food gifts too and I had some of them in moderation but some of them he ended up eating because I hadn't touched them after a month... then he stopped bothering.0 -
A spouse should be supportive..anything short of that ..is a deff indicator of bigger probs to come and prob a divorce if your stromg enough for it0
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*through.
People don't like change. But you have to do what's right for you. He will take your weight loss personally, but you have to just do it for you. Just buy veg etc for yourself, don't push it on him if he doesn't want to do it.0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Leave him alone. When my husband nagged me about my weight, it always backfired. It would send me right to the couch with a bag of Oreos.
The best you can do is stick to your own goals and lead by example.
Yes! We are stubborn people, aren't we? The best thing would be to incorporate your healthy habits into your family meals. I make tacos for the family, but tear apart my taco and put it on a big bed of romaine lettuce. Nobody feels like I'm not eating the same meal as them. I just "jazzed it up a little". When we cook steak, mine is a small piece with a HUGE helping of steamed broccoli and a small serving of boiled potatoes (I take my potatoes out before mashing them for my husband). You're going to need to be able to function around "normal" foods your family wants to eat by adding lots of low-cal additions. It will help you make lifelong changes.
But here's where you will get the most support from your fiance: Nothing will get him on board faster than if HE feels supported. Best bet, start with a little white lie, "Honey, you look like you're starting to lose weight too! I guess some of my changes are working for you too." It doesn't have to be true, and don't add any more "helpful tips". But if someone told me I was looking slimmer, and my fiance was already making it easy for me to lose more, I'd totally jump on board. Don't nag him, don't lecture him. Don't give him a deep talk about how he's being an awful supporter. It will just make both of you miserable and he'll probably turn to bad food MORE.0 -
My husband used to buy me chocolates as a treat, I had to sit down and say to him I know he does it because he loves me, and knows I love chocolate, but it's not helping me. He used to say you're fine, you don't need to lose weight etc. Our son is about the weight that I need to lose. When he picked him up one night, he said how heavy he had got and how it was a struggle to carry him into his room to put him to bed. BAM that's when it hit me. I told him imagine carrying that extra weight every minute of every day. That's what I'm doing. It actually made him realise how much my extra weight is in fact a problem0
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Also meant to say, he went shopping this morning and bought lots of low calorie treats so I can still satisfy my sweet tooth but not go over my daily calories0
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I see very little in your post about what you are doing with respect to your plan and a whole lot about what you're trying to force him to do on a plan you have for him. That's not the way to start anything that you want to last or be a positive experience.
Lead by example. Your relationship isn't prison or the military. Stop barking orders at him and let him figure out what he wants to do. You are too busy worrying about what he is doing and using it as an excuse for early failure for yourself, and conveniently blaming him in the process.
Stop that.0 -
You do you
Let him do him
This is not a marriage guide but a weight loss one0 -
You met in high school, you are 24 but he had heart attacks in his 40's? EDIT I see you said his dad! MY BAD.
OK THEN!
You only control what you do. So take care of yourself and let everything else go. Seriously. It is all you can do. He either will or won't.0 -
I think that OP is focusing on his weight because he is doing everything he can to sabotage her attempts at weight loss. It doesn't sound to me as though she is nagging him to lose weight; just that she wants him to stop sabotaging her weight loss. Many times, spouses who are heavy themselves DON'T want their partner to lose weight because they are afraid of losing that person, or because the spouse's ability to lose weight seems like a rebuke to them. And of course she is concerned about his health as well. I understand where you are coming from, and wish you well in focusing on your own goals, even if your husband won't join you on that journey. Reassure him that you love him as he is, but that it is important to you to improve your own health and well-being. It won't be easy, but it is your only choice.0
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First of all, congratulations on finding each other again, and wanting a future together! We all struggle with extra weight in our family, and my sons wives are all good about maintaining a healthy weight. I see my daughter in laws not eating the pizza my sons order, and not making a deal. Yes there is a roll of the eyes, but no other negativity. Yes they fuss when they want to go get ice cream/fro yo, etc., but sometimes they join, but often not. What I am trying to say is they are showing by example, they are encouraging, etc. I am blessed with awesome daughter in laws who love my sons, and some day they too, hopefully will pass on the pizza, and maybe only occasional sweets, and reach for the carrots, apples, etc. that are better for us. Good luck and congratulations!
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Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.0
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