How to handle a spouse who doesn't want you to lose the weight?
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May sound harsh: it's your trek to weight loss and fitness, so don't make a big fuss about it. If what you say is true, make sure you have a life insurance policy just in case.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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When I met my husband, he was 35 years old and had been smoking since he was a teenager. I was never a smoker.
Did I want him to quit? Yes.
Did I ever say, "If you loved me, you would quit. Don't you want to live a long life with me???"
Nope. Not once. Never. He's a grown man. He knew smoking wasn't good for him. He knew his father was a smoker and had had two heart attacks.
On our first Christmas together (we were married 3 months) he came to me and said that he was having his last cigarette that day because he wanted to live a long time and grow old with me. It's been 24 years and he hasn't had a cigarette since.
How did that happen??? Was it witchcraft??? It must have been!!!
Or maybe I just treated him like an adult and let him come to the realization on his own. It takes some people a bit longer to get to that moment when the light bulb goes on.
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you cant control what he does and if you try this relationship will NOT last.
you worry about YOU and dont worry about what hes doing. he may or may not follow in your shoes if you show true commitment to it.
I can tell you that my ex didnt take me seriously till I had been doing it consistently for several months. He didnt make any changes, but i didnt ask, or expect him to.
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.0 -
One thing about snoring. I used to snore badly. My dear wife did too, last winter and spring I slept many nights in a recliner as her snoring was bad.
Last May I decided to do something about my weight, sick and tired of being sick. Much to my surprise dear wife chose to eat differently too. Both of us were a little above 30 BMI(obese), today we both have normal BMI's! Guess what neither of us have snored since sometime in the summer!
Best wishes on making changes in your life.0 -
markrgeary1 wrote: »One thing about snoring. I used to snore badly. My dear wife did too, last winter and spring I slept many nights in a recliner as her snoring was bad.
Last May I decided to do something about my weight, sick and tired of being sick. Much to my surprise dear wife chose to eat differently too. Both of us were a little above 30 BMI(obese), today we both have normal BMI's! Guess what neither of us have snored since sometime in the summer!
Best wishes on making changes in your life.
I still snore, lol. And I had nose surgery 3 years ago too!
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White noise machine saved my marriage or at least kept us in the same bed. Sleep apnea should be checked.
I don't think you can make someone lose weight. All you can do is set a good example. Mine did not take me seriously about this until he saw some results and that it wasn't a passing fad.
I know my husband loves me and is happy for us about the weight loss. However, he really doesn't care about the day-to-day stuff. He tries but I also try not to bore him to death about how many calories I have left for the day or how many steps I've taken.
Treats for love - we had some issues with that. Time took care of that. He brought me the most beautiful red grapefruit the other day. I was thrilled that he thought of me seeing fruit instead of a high calorie dessert.
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lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
Who said anything about getting angry at him?
He's not a child. She shouldn't be "nagging" or "coaxing" him.
As was said by more than a couple of people here, she should just lead by example. Hopefully he'll see the positive impact of the changes she's making in her own life, and then will jump on board voluntarily, without being emotionally blackmailed or treated like a child.0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
Who said anything about getting angry at him?
He's not a child. She shouldn't be "nagging" or "coaxing" him.
As was said by more than a couple of people here, she should just lead by example. Hopefully he'll see the positive impact of the changes she's making in her own life, and then will jump on board voluntarily, without being emotionally blackmailed or treated like a child.
Thank God you're here to tell people how everything should be in their relationships!0 -
lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
Who said anything about getting angry at him?
He's not a child. She shouldn't be "nagging" or "coaxing" him.
As was said by more than a couple of people here, she should just lead by example. Hopefully he'll see the positive impact of the changes she's making in her own life, and then will jump on board voluntarily, without being emotionally blackmailed or treated like a child.
Thank God you're here to tell people how everything should be in their relationships!
and you too0 -
I couldn't understand this. But good luck!0
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I would find it awful if my hubby wasn't on this journey with me...
I suggest separate fridges.0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »
Or maybe I just treated him like an adult and let him come to the realization on his own. It takes some people a bit longer to get to that moment when the light bulb goes on.
True, but the other person in the relationship also gets to set boundaries for themselves about how long they are willing to put up with it. In your case, it was 3 months, which is a blip in the scheme of things. When couples have been together for years and one partner is still engaging in behavior they know to be harmful to their health (and in the case of smoking, harmful to those around them), it's not unheard of for the other partner to begin to question where their priorities lie and urge them to think about the impact their behavior is having on those around them.
OP, I think you need to decide for yourself what you want out of your relationship and where your boundaries lie. You can't force another person to change, but I do think you should sit down together, both of you clearly outline your expectations for your relationship, and work together to reach an agreement. I don't think the situation you are describing is grounds for splitting up, but I do think that being honest with one another about what you need from the other person and how you see your relationship moving forward is helpful.0 -
lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »lithezebra wrote: »booksandchocolate12 wrote: »Yes, she is nagging. And laying a guilt trip on him: "Remember our wedding/the children", etc.
Emotionally manipulating him won't work.
I disagree. Sticking to your guns, and reminding your spouse that you care about him when you nag him for his own good is a heck of a lot better than getting angry. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to coax your husband into better habits, so take care of yourself, even if he doesn't change. But keep on showing your love and concern.
Who said anything about getting angry at him?
He's not a child. She shouldn't be "nagging" or "coaxing" him.
As was said by more than a couple of people here, she should just lead by example. Hopefully he'll see the positive impact of the changes she's making in her own life, and then will jump on board voluntarily, without being emotionally blackmailed or treated like a child.
Thank God you're here to tell people how everything should be in their relationships!
My apologies. If you find that the best way to get people to act a certain way is to be their mother, then have at it! I prefer to use that on, you know, my child. I'm silly that way.
PS: Does your husband call you "mother"? Just curious....0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »*through.
The grammer nerd in me was also bothered by this.
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Advice from an old dear You are 2 individuals in a relationship, it's alright having different opinions and not everything (dieting/whatever) has to be done together. Ideally a supportive partner would be cheerleading you on, but regards your own weight just get on with it & put your own needs first.
Also if the relationship doesn't work out through lack of support, consider it a lucky escape!0 -
Evoletlove wrote: »
His dad has diabetes and heart problems. Even has had a few heart attacks in his 40's. His mom has health problems as well. Any advice on this would be great from guys or girls. I want to be fair. I have talked and talked to him and nothing gets threw.
Choose a mate that's more statistically likely to be around long enough to help raise the kids you plan on having with him.
Or don't. But stop whining when a grown man doesn't drastically change his lifestyle from what you've known him to be his entire life.0 -
Not meaning to derail this thread, but please explain this white noise machine ???? Is it one of those music players that people put in infants bedrooms that plays music and ocean noises ? It is really that much of a help ? ( I haven't slept in 15 yrs because of my husband. Lol ! I now have my own bedroom because I couldn't function on 3 hrs of sleep each night. )0
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thorsmom01 wrote: »Not meaning to derail this thread, but please explain this white noise machine ???? Is it one of those music players that people put in infants bedrooms that plays music and ocean noises ? It is really that much of a help ? ( I haven't slept in 15 yrs because of my husband. Lol ! I now have my own bedroom because I couldn't function on 3 hrs of sleep each night. )
I think when people talk about white noise for snoring, they mean pure white noise rather than the ocean sounds type. Pure white noise is one constant sound - think about how when you get static on your TV or radio it seems to drown out other noises. I haven't ever used one for snoring, just for the kids, but apparently they make white noise apps now? If you have an external speaker for your device, it might be a cheap way to see if it works before investing in a machine.0 -
thorsmom01 wrote: »Not meaning to derail this thread, but please explain this white noise machine ???? Is it one of those music players that people put in infants bedrooms that plays music and ocean noises ? It is really that much of a help ? ( I haven't slept in 15 yrs because of my husband. Lol ! I now have my own bedroom because I couldn't function on 3 hrs of sleep each night. )
I have a white noise app on my phone for when I'm away, but i just use a fan at home. The machine i used to have was a combination with a clock; all it does is play whatever sound you choose that doesn't have much variation. My phone app has options like heavy rain, light rain, thunderstorm, flowing water...no loud ups or quiet downs, just constant level of noise to help cover any other noises that might wake you up at night0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »How did that happen??? Was it witchcraft??? It must have been!!!
Or maybe I just treated him like an adult and let him come to the realization on his own. It takes some people a bit longer to get to that moment when the light bulb goes on.
And sometimes it never happens. My wife and I have been together 23 years, and she still smokes. I agree that adults get to make their own choices and that kind of choice has to be the person's own idea. I disagree that letting someone make their own choices means that they'll eventually make the one you think is right.
OP, if this weight-related dynamic is truly a deal-breaker for you, you need to walk away now. If not, you need to get over it. Maybe one day he'll change, but maybe this is what the rest of your life together will look like, regardless of what you do or don't do.
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Thank you both for answering my question. I will search for an app right now ! I seriously can't even sleep with my husband in the next room. ( he snores, coughs, gets up and down 55433344 times, and even walks around ),so even though we now have separate rooms , I'm still bothered by all his noise. I must sleep with a Tv on and a fan to try to drown out his noise. The tv is often annoying and the fan is cold! So yes I'm whining, but I haven't slept in 15 yrs so I deserve to whine and make this thread about ME now ! Lol ! ( sorry op, I really didn't want to derail your thread !)0
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Blueseraphchaos wrote: »thorsmom01 wrote: »Not meaning to derail this thread, but please explain this white noise machine ???? Is it one of those music players that people put in infants bedrooms that plays music and ocean noises ? It is really that much of a help ? ( I haven't slept in 15 yrs because of my husband. Lol ! I now have my own bedroom because I couldn't function on 3 hrs of sleep each night. )
I have a white noise app on my phone for when I'm away, but i just use a fan at home. The machine i used to have was a combination with a clock; all it does is play whatever sound you choose that doesn't have much variation. My phone app has options like heavy rain, light rain, thunderstorm, flowing water...no loud ups or quiet downs, just constant level of noise to help cover any other noises that might wake you up at night
Here's the one I'm using - http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000OCK9S2?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_search_detailpage
I like the "white" noise setting. There are many different sounds but the white noise is what we're used to. I have a white noise app on my Kindle for travel. I'm not kidding that the white noise saved us. He sleeps because I don't wake him to stop snoring. I sleep because he isn't keeping me awake.
My daughter uses one too. It sounds like dueling sound machines in my house at night.
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OP, Don't let yourself enable your cravings for junkfood by blaming them on your boyfriend. If you're ready to lose weight, do it. If you want your boyfriend to lose weight, lead by example.
The night snoring and squealing is a different issue. I've had roommates with sleep apnea, and gave serious consideration to smothering them to shut them up. I feel your pain. This is where you need to make your stand to figure out what your lives together in the future will be like. A sleep study is easy, and I've never met an apnea sufferer who didn't wish they had sucked it up and did the sleep study "a long time ago". You'll both feel a lot better after bringing a CPAP into your life. Of course, the other option, assuming you aren't going to dump him, is to sleep in different rooms, possibly at different ends of the house. As in weight loss, it's up to you.
People usually consider my evaluations to be blunt and insensitive, something I'm working on in 2016, so, puppies and kittens.0 -
I only have one more thing to add to this: i had a very good friend who had sleep apnea, and he died from it when he was 23. Just quit breathing one night and didn't wake up to start again. Pretty devastating for everyone involved, and i strongly urge a sleep study....not just to stop the noise that's keeping you awake.0
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Hubby and I have had separate rooms for 20 years. Possibly the secret to our happy marriage.
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spkout2005 wrote: »A spouse should be supportive..anything short of that ..is a deff indicator of bigger probs to come and prob a divorce if your stromg enough for it
Well since they're not married they probably aren't divorcing.
But this male you are describing appears to be an immature child. If you grow up and he doesn't there are going to be problems in the relationship.
Go luck.0 -
Don't get me wrong, I really love having my own room. I rest and relax better by myself and definitely can not sleep next to another human. ( I can't even sleep with my child in my bed once he was old enough to kick and move around a lot )
But I'm still awoken all night by the noises from my husband in the next room. Once I hear it, I can't help but fixate on how much it drives me nuts . so I've downloaded several white noise apps ( thank you everyone here ! ) I hope I can sleep tonight!
As far as the op and the conversation as to whether she should " nag" or not. I would not advise her to nag him.
I remember every single time that my husband brought up my weight. I'm sure he did it out of concern, but it backfired each time. Even when he would make it about health or fitness. I wasn't ready for change and the comments made me resent the idea even more.
People change when they are good and ready to. Change must come from within ones self. If and when ops husband is ready, he will. Otherwise those constant comments of concern may turn to resentment. Then that would likely push him further away from the idea .
Op- continue to do what you want and lead by example. You can do this without the support of your husband if needed. Make this all about you and bettering yourself. Maybe he will catch on once he sees all the positive changes and even if he never does , at least you accomplished it for yourself . we can't change loved ones , they must be ready and willing.0 -
thorsmom01 wrote: »
As far as the op and the conversation as to whether she should " nag" or not. I would not advise her to nag him.
I remember every single time that my husband brought up my weight. I'm sure he did it out of concern, but it backfired each time. Even when he would make it about health or fitness. I wasn't ready for change and the comments made me resent the idea even more.
People change when they are good and ready to. Change must come from within ones self. If and when ops husband is ready, he will. Otherwise those constant comments of concern may turn to resentment. Then that would likely push him further away from the idea .
Op- continue to do what you want and lead by example. You can do this without the support of your husband if needed. Make this all about you and bettering yourself. Maybe he will catch on once he sees all the positive changes and even if he never does , at least you accomplished it for yourself . we can't change loved ones , they must be ready and willing.
Augmenting the highlighted comments from my own perspective/experience ...- As the one who was nagged for years, I can say from my own experience ... don't. For me it led to more frustration and more overeating of crap food.
- There will eventually be a moment of self-revelation and self-determination, at which point he will be truly ready.
- And do so quietly and consistently. Don't be self-righteous about it.
Finally, don't get annoyed with your partner if/when he sees the light, and surpasses you. (Yes, this happened too)
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Over the last year, I have been the only person in my family actively trying to lose weight. The hubby and three kids were not. Here's what I learned:
1. Their weight does not effect mine.
2. "I statements" work. As in "I feel like you aren't taking me seriously when you buy me pizza, and that hurts my feelings."
3. Sometimes I act irrationally and I need to take responsibility for it. This pertains to food choices and dieting and how I treat my husband.
4. The only person I can control is my myself.0
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