regular user going anonymous for needed advice!

It's great that you know it's a problem...if you were denying it was an issue, it'd be more worrisome.
However, I don't think you should stay on any website that justifies your actions even a little bit. It is a problem whether it happens once a week or 3 times a day.

I think you should seek out an in-person counselor. I don't know your age, so I don't know if your parents can help you look for one or you need to contact your own insurance company to find places, but find a way to do it. Bulimia will wreak havoc on you mentally and physically, so if you can do something soon it well help so much in the long run. You'll save your self confidence, your body image, your self control, your teeth, your breath, your esophagus, your WHOLE body...the list goes on. You're robbing yourself of nutrients and self discipline. Please find someone to talk to, whether it's a counselor, a friend, a nutritionist...someone who can offer personal support and set you in the right direction. :flowerforyou:

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. There are plenty of people here who either suffer with this problem or have in the past. A couple thoughts I can share:
1. You don't lose any weight by throwing up. Most of the fats are stored in your body within four minutes of eating. If you are sitting and eating for an hour, then it means that you've already started digesting.
2. You need to allow yourself that ONE cheat treat. Maybe you're depriving yourself too much when you're doing good that your body doesn't know what to do. Maybe plan something CHEATABLE every day at the end of the day. Set it aside, put the rest of the package well out of reach. Then maybe you won't have to binge so much.
3. Think before you eat the second helping about why you're doing it. Is it emotional? Could you rush out and get a new book, a haircut, a manicure, or even just go for a walk or call a friend to distract you?
4. Find one person, whether it be here or in your personal life, and let them know your struggle. Then have them hold you accountable. Private e-mails or phone calls. If you know someone is going to ask you about it, you're more than likely going to think twice before doing it.
5. Most importantly, don't beat yourself up. You're obviously very smart to know that there is a problem and asking for help. I can understand you maybe being a little embarassed about it, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! If you've already lost a good deal of weight, then you have proven to yourself that you are a strong person. Look at the pictures of you before you lost the weight, think of all the things you can do more of now and focus on that. YOU CAN DO THIS BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE.

Those are my two cents worth. But I also want to say that I'm proud of you and impressed that you did say something instead of letting it continue unsaid. That means you are definitely on the right track.

http://www.nedic.ca/

This is a Canadian website, but it seems to have lots of good information. Beware of looking for "support" sites online, as many of them are aiming to "support" the illness, not recovery from it.

I don't wish to sound alarmist, and insinuate that you are "diseased", but what you're doing (and you seem to be aware of this) is disordered eating. IMHO, doing this more than once is very dangerous, and if you slip into letting it become habitual, it's very not good.

Maybe you could search your local yellow pages (old school!) for crisis support hotlines, who would be equipped to refer you to professional help, which you should seek. (not judging, just observing.)

You are not alone! Don't be so embarrassed that you can't ask for help. :flowerforyou:

Hi TI,
Glad you thought to create a new user name for asking this so you feel you could...good for you for reaching out:drinker:

I just clicked on Bulimia support and it gave me 228,000 hits ....here's the link
http://www.google.com/search?q=bulimia+support&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-US&ie=utf8&oe=utf8

OK, so that being said... whether you purge one time a week, several times a month, 24 times a day...purging is definitely a sign of an ED. It's a behavior that brings comfort and solace momentarily but makes a person miserable and out of control as well. It can give you a bit of a high realizing you have control over getting rid of the food, when in actuality we really are the ones that are giving our control over to our ED.

There are many places you could seek help and find others going through similiar situations in your area, like a support group for instance where you don't feel so alone and 'crazy' (I don't know how large your community is) but first off checking out an ED nutritionist/dietician will help give you a perspective on how this can become a much larger problem if you don't grab hold now. There are some of the most wonderful ED specialists out there, some that have dealt with this themselves and conquered it.

I have no idea how much you have lost but it sounds like you share you lost it in a healthy manner. It's scary losing weight!!! I don't care what anyone says.. I get alot of attention for my ticker saying what it says (the PM's are wonderful but it's the number that is freakin me out of lbs lost, it's almost mindblowing)..but to me, it freaks me out. Losing weigh in a healthy manner feels good, we are once again in control...but losing and maintaining are 2 very different things.:ohwell: Maintaining is scary in a whole different way.

I am so proud of you that you are coming to the boards asking for help. I truly think the best thing you could do is find help in your community, what you'll get here is lots of opinions and also folks that have been where you are...which may help make you realize you're not alone in this.

But seeking help with a professional is truly what you want to strive to do...we all care about one another here but we aren't able to give you the true help you need right now. If you haven't already read up on what Bulimia can do to our bodies, it's definitely time to educate yourself.. you've lost weight in a healthy way in the past. Don't allow your body to now pay for it in harsh ways. It can effect your esophogus, your teeth, your other organs...so much that can happen from this that is irreversible. But most of all it's a crazy making behavior because it makes you feel so very out of control and it's shame based. Feel shame is not fun as you know and can so damage our self worth.

Please if nothing else do some serious reading from the Google link I shared up above and see what you can do about getting referred to someone in your area. If you don't want to talk to your regular doc, then simply go to someone that doesn't know you well yet and spill it to them how you're feeling and what's been going on in your life.

Bulimia is a symtom of a greater issue...sounds like fear is hard at work in your mind. You're NOT crazy...you're awesome!!! Why do I say that because you are seeking help here...and you WILL find support here as you know already being a member but the type of help you need now might not be found on this board.

I'm soooooooo proud of you for posting, I KNOW it's not easy, so many times I've needed and wanted to post about something and found myself to afraid thinking someone wouldn't understand.

Some on here may not understand but you will get support.

Please feel free to contact me or add me as a bud and PM anytime. I dealt with this in a bad way some years back and the urge even nowadays (though it's been quite sometime that I've used the behavior) my mind kicks in the thought of doing it...it's like a drug, a love hate thing. Your brain actually releases a chemical when you are both overeating and purging, that's how we get in the grip of it...it sounds repulsive to some but when our brain is sending comforting chemicals it's like an addiciton, ok, who I am kidding, it is an additction of sorts.

Hugs and hang in there, you can work your way back out of this TI but you'll need to get help to do it and learn what it's doing to you ...it's not just crazy making in our heads but is seriously effecting our bodies in an unhealthy way more than we realize.

FC

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think the best thing you could have done is to at least admit it to yourself. From the title of your post it appears that you don't want anyone - even us in cyberspace who you probably don't know anyway - to know your secret. I think there's a lot of guilt and shame that you're feeling. But you're not alone. So many people suffer from bulemia but, like you, they don't want anyone to know. That guilt and shame further fuels the problem. And so the cycle continues...

My advice is twofold. One, you need to see a therapist to talk about the underlying feelings that are causing your behavior. Two, iVillage.com is a site for women and it has a million message boards on everything you can think of. I'm almost positive they have one for eating disorders and they may even have one for bulemia.

You are not alone. I'd be willilng to bet alot of people on this site are battling the same thing. I'm a binge eater too and I just hate that I'm such a slave to food. So far, I haven't purged but that's obviously the next step. The more you are able to talk about this with people you trust, the better off you will be. It's hard to "come out of the closet" with an eating disorder but, I think that if you do, you will feel a great deal of relief. You have already made the first step, Keep up the good work and I wish you well.

Thank you all so far for your thoughts and comments. I just don't think I am ready right now to admit this to another live person or counselor.

I don't think you should ever expect to be ready. If you're this uncomfortable now, how will you feel when this progresses to an everyday occurrence? It will always be difficult to talk about, but doing it sooner rather than later will prevent serious health problems. Just something to think about.

Hey there. i am not going to give you any more practical advice-those above have much more than covered it. All i want to say is that I understand-I did and do still struggle with it. Thats why i joined this site in the first place. I know how completely miserable it can and will and already has made you. i don't know if you are a religious person, but i will say a prayer for you and hope you will do the same for yourself. If you need to talk, message me on this name or your real one, i don't care. Good luck dear!