Sexual Harassment
Replies
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Also, when it comes to your safety, don't be a lady. So many women have trouble with that because a lot of us are raised to be nice and polite, we're not supposed to get into fights and so on. That can be a very hard thing to overcome, which is why a self defense class is helpful.
Yes!! I can't state how much I agree with this. Amazingly, I had a harder time learning to yell out loud in public than doing any of the self defense techniques. The "lady" conditioning is difficult to overcome.
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kirstinlee, 3. For those of you asking why I get harassed so often, I work at a popular truck stop/travel plaza. Sexual harassment is just part of the job, and pretty much an every day thing for me now. They actually warn you when they hire you. A customer can stand at the counter and tell you his entire fantasy about you, and unless he touches you, the fact that he just bought $900 in fuel trumps your feelings about it.
regardless of them telling you it's "part of the job", it's NOT okay. it never has been, it never should be. i realize changing jobs may not be an option, but you need to report ALL Sexual Harrassement. It CAN'T be acceptable, regardless of the person or the job.0 -
I'm so sorry that happened to you
I carry around bear spray.0 -
Also, when it comes to your safety, don't be a lady. So many women have trouble with that because a lot of us are raised to be nice and polite, we're not supposed to get into fights and so on. That can be a very hard thing to overcome, which is why a self defense class is helpful.
Yes!! I can't state how much I agree with this. Amazingly, I had a harder time learning to yell out loud in public than doing any of the self defense techniques. The "lady" conditioning is difficult to overcome.
While I agree that self defense training is super important and can really help, I had five years of martial arts training when I was assaulted and I didn't fight back. I agree with every one that fighting back is great and all, but I also just want to say for any survivors who, like me, didn't fight back, there are reasons why you didn't fight back. It doesn't make it your fault- I know that's not what the above posters intended by their statements, but it can feel that way and some folks actually think that way...if it was rape she would have fought back, blah blah blah.0 -
There are so many great responses... These are my few thoughts...
1) I agree that the "I love you" part is a little concerning... it suggests that he's seen you before. If it's a truck stop, then it's likely he's semi regular. In this case, for your safety, it's probably a very wise thing to report it... if he is a regular, he'll be easier to catch
2) It is not your size that caused it. YOU didn't cause this. No matter what size you are, or what you are wearing, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS
3) You are working in a dangerous workplace if your employer recognizes and embraces this behavior. I say embrace because they choose to warn you instead of giving you tools to combat it. You have a right to fight back!
4) Consider talking with co-workers and then approaching management AS A GROUP about posting a notice at the till, or doorway, or washrooms, indicating that sexual disrespect to employees won't be tolerated.
5) Come up with a few sentences you feel comfortable using when someone disrespects you and lays a hand on you, and then use those IN A LOUD VOICE so as to raise attention from other people...
- EXCUSE ME, DID YOU JUST TOUCH ME?
- PLEASE REMOVE YOUR HANDS FROM MY BODY
- GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME
- STOP TOUCHING ME
The embarrassment the harasser feels may be enough to cause them to think twice.
6) perhaps you should look into a place you can call (a hotline or phone/online counselling) to help you address these feelings.
*sending you lots of e-hugs*
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I found a youtube video that covers a training I went to on the neurobiology of trauma and covers why someone might not fight back. This is designed for prosecutors and judges, etc.... it's amazing. If anyone wants to geek out about what can happen in the victim's brain during assault:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwTQ_U3p5Wc 0 -
CorvusCorax77 wrote: »Also, when it comes to your safety, don't be a lady. So many women have trouble with that because a lot of us are raised to be nice and polite, we're not supposed to get into fights and so on. That can be a very hard thing to overcome, which is why a self defense class is helpful.
Yes!! I can't state how much I agree with this. Amazingly, I had a harder time learning to yell out loud in public than doing any of the self defense techniques. The "lady" conditioning is difficult to overcome.
While I agree that self defense training is super important and can really help, I had five years of martial arts training when I was assaulted and I didn't fight back. I agree with every one that fighting back is great and all, but I also just want to say for any survivors who, like me, didn't fight back, there are reasons why you didn't fight back. It doesn't make it your fault- I know that's not what the above posters intended by their statements, but it can feel that way and some folks actually think that way...if it was rape she would have fought back, blah blah blah.
Everyone is different. While I say I would probably hit someone that assaulted me, truth is when it happened (very minor, but still unwanted contact), I didn't. I did yell at him to leave me alone and jerked away, but looking back I should've at least kicked him. Still, that response was something I had learned to do, not something I would naturally do. I'm naturally shy and introverted and tend not to look people in the eye when talking to them. If I can overcome that to yell stop at a guy while looking him in the face and jerking away, others can as well, though the time it takes and the response they learn will be different.
There's also a difference between martial arts training and self defense training. There's a lot of cross over, but at least the self defense class I had focused more on 1) doing your best not to put yourself in a bad situation and 2) how to get away from a bad situation. We were taught different ways of breaking lose of a hold and what you can do to hurt the attacker while you're struggling to get away. And then, once you get away, you run like hell yelling at the top of your lungs. So, at least for the one I took, there wasn't a focus on turning you into a martial arts fighter, it was more geared to getting away and to somewhere safe. Plus, for most martial arts that I know of (I'm sure not all are like this), the focus isn't on how to translate the moves to an actual fight. The fighting is regulated and follows rules. Self defense doesn't. Anything goes when your life is on the line.0 -
CorvusCorax77 wrote: »Also, when it comes to your safety, don't be a lady. So many women have trouble with that because a lot of us are raised to be nice and polite, we're not supposed to get into fights and so on. That can be a very hard thing to overcome, which is why a self defense class is helpful.
Yes!! I can't state how much I agree with this. Amazingly, I had a harder time learning to yell out loud in public than doing any of the self defense techniques. The "lady" conditioning is difficult to overcome.
While I agree that self defense training is super important and can really help, I had five years of martial arts training when I was assaulted and I didn't fight back. I agree with every one that fighting back is great and all, but I also just want to say for any survivors who, like me, didn't fight back, there are reasons why you didn't fight back. It doesn't make it your fault- I know that's not what the above posters intended by their statements, but it can feel that way and some folks actually think that way...if it was rape she would have fought back, blah blah blah.
Everyone is different. While I say I would probably hit someone that assaulted me, truth is when it happened (very minor, but still unwanted contact), I didn't. I did yell at him to leave me alone and jerked away, but looking back I should've at least kicked him. Still, that response was something I had learned to do, not something I would naturally do. I'm naturally shy and introverted and tend not to look people in the eye when talking to them. If I can overcome that to yell stop at a guy while looking him in the face and jerking away, others can as well, though the time it takes and the response they learn will be different.
There's also a difference between martial arts training and self defense training. There's a lot of cross over, but at least the self defense class I had focused more on 1) doing your best not to put yourself in a bad situation and 2) how to get away from a bad situation. We were taught different ways of breaking lose of a hold and what you can do to hurt the attacker while you're struggling to get away. And then, once you get away, you run like hell yelling at the top of your lungs. So, at least for the one I took, there wasn't a focus on turning you into a martial arts fighter, it was more geared to getting away and to somewhere safe. Plus, for most martial arts that I know of (I'm sure not all are like this), the focus isn't on how to translate the moves to an actual fight. The fighting is regulated and follows rules. Self defense doesn't. Anything goes when your life is on the line.
My class was a self defense class that you graduated to start the martial arts training, which covered street fighting. The self defense class covered what your class covered. ....Watch the video I posted. Neurobiology can shut down your ability to do anything, even if you have been trained... which isn't to say training is wasted. One time I was strangled by a stranger at a show and I responded beautifully with her larynx in my total control because my neurobiology and my habit resulted in that response..... but then another time I shut down, which is also a neurobiological response to trauma.0 -
Yeah, I understand. There have been times I fought back (even at age 9), and times I didn't. It's a psychological thing that happens.0
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CorvusCorax77 wrote: »CorvusCorax77 wrote: »Also, when it comes to your safety, don't be a lady. So many women have trouble with that because a lot of us are raised to be nice and polite, we're not supposed to get into fights and so on. That can be a very hard thing to overcome, which is why a self defense class is helpful.
Yes!! I can't state how much I agree with this. Amazingly, I had a harder time learning to yell out loud in public than doing any of the self defense techniques. The "lady" conditioning is difficult to overcome.
While I agree that self defense training is super important and can really help, I had five years of martial arts training when I was assaulted and I didn't fight back. I agree with every one that fighting back is great and all, but I also just want to say for any survivors who, like me, didn't fight back, there are reasons why you didn't fight back. It doesn't make it your fault- I know that's not what the above posters intended by their statements, but it can feel that way and some folks actually think that way...if it was rape she would have fought back, blah blah blah.
Everyone is different. While I say I would probably hit someone that assaulted me, truth is when it happened (very minor, but still unwanted contact), I didn't. I did yell at him to leave me alone and jerked away, but looking back I should've at least kicked him. Still, that response was something I had learned to do, not something I would naturally do. I'm naturally shy and introverted and tend not to look people in the eye when talking to them. If I can overcome that to yell stop at a guy while looking him in the face and jerking away, others can as well, though the time it takes and the response they learn will be different.
There's also a difference between martial arts training and self defense training. There's a lot of cross over, but at least the self defense class I had focused more on 1) doing your best not to put yourself in a bad situation and 2) how to get away from a bad situation. We were taught different ways of breaking lose of a hold and what you can do to hurt the attacker while you're struggling to get away. And then, once you get away, you run like hell yelling at the top of your lungs. So, at least for the one I took, there wasn't a focus on turning you into a martial arts fighter, it was more geared to getting away and to somewhere safe. Plus, for most martial arts that I know of (I'm sure not all are like this), the focus isn't on how to translate the moves to an actual fight. The fighting is regulated and follows rules. Self defense doesn't. Anything goes when your life is on the line.
My class was a self defense class that you graduated to start the martial arts training, which covered street fighting. The self defense class covered what your class covered. ....Watch the video I posted. Neurobiology can shut down your ability to do anything, even if you have been trained... which isn't to say training is wasted. One time I was strangled by a stranger at a show and I responded beautifully with her larynx in my total control because my neurobiology and my habit resulted in that response..... but then another time I shut down, which is also a neurobiological response to trauma.
I see your point. *you hadn't actually posted the video when I started mine, so I didn't see it first* It's why my first response wasn't to knee the guy in the balls, despite what I knew. It also depends on the situation and location. I'd be much more likely to physically defend myself if I was attacked outside my home rather than inside, for example, simply because it's a safe location and I'm not on guard. All you can really do is train as much as you can to make that response as automatic as possible so you have a much better chance of getting away.0 -
CorvusCorax77 wrote: »I found a youtube video that covers a training I went to on the neurobiology of trauma and covers why someone might not fight back. This is designed for prosecutors and judges, etc.... it's amazing. If anyone wants to geek out about what can happen in the victim's brain during assault:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwTQ_U3p5Wc
I'm listening to this. What an information. Thanks so much for posting this.0 -
CorvusCorax77 wrote: »CorvusCorax77 wrote: »Also, when it comes to your safety, don't be a lady. So many women have trouble with that because a lot of us are raised to be nice and polite, we're not supposed to get into fights and so on. That can be a very hard thing to overcome, which is why a self defense class is helpful.
Yes!! I can't state how much I agree with this. Amazingly, I had a harder time learning to yell out loud in public than doing any of the self defense techniques. The "lady" conditioning is difficult to overcome.
While I agree that self defense training is super important and can really help, I had five years of martial arts training when I was assaulted and I didn't fight back. I agree with every one that fighting back is great and all, but I also just want to say for any survivors who, like me, didn't fight back, there are reasons why you didn't fight back. It doesn't make it your fault- I know that's not what the above posters intended by their statements, but it can feel that way and some folks actually think that way...if it was rape she would have fought back, blah blah blah.
Everyone is different. While I say I would probably hit someone that assaulted me, truth is when it happened (very minor, but still unwanted contact), I didn't. I did yell at him to leave me alone and jerked away, but looking back I should've at least kicked him. Still, that response was something I had learned to do, not something I would naturally do. I'm naturally shy and introverted and tend not to look people in the eye when talking to them. If I can overcome that to yell stop at a guy while looking him in the face and jerking away, others can as well, though the time it takes and the response they learn will be different.
There's also a difference between martial arts training and self defense training. There's a lot of cross over, but at least the self defense class I had focused more on 1) doing your best not to put yourself in a bad situation and 2) how to get away from a bad situation. We were taught different ways of breaking lose of a hold and what you can do to hurt the attacker while you're struggling to get away. And then, once you get away, you run like hell yelling at the top of your lungs. So, at least for the one I took, there wasn't a focus on turning you into a martial arts fighter, it was more geared to getting away and to somewhere safe. Plus, for most martial arts that I know of (I'm sure not all are like this), the focus isn't on how to translate the moves to an actual fight. The fighting is regulated and follows rules. Self defense doesn't. Anything goes when your life is on the line.
My class was a self defense class that you graduated to start the martial arts training, which covered street fighting. The self defense class covered what your class covered. ....Watch the video I posted. Neurobiology can shut down your ability to do anything, even if you have been trained... which isn't to say training is wasted. One time I was strangled by a stranger at a show and I responded beautifully with her larynx in my total control because my neurobiology and my habit resulted in that response..... but then another time I shut down, which is also a neurobiological response to trauma.
I see your point. *you hadn't actually posted the video when I started mine, so I didn't see it first* It's why my first response wasn't to knee the guy in the balls, despite what I knew. It also depends on the situation and location. I'd be much more likely to physically defend myself if I was attacked outside my home rather than inside, for example, simply because it's a safe location and I'm not on guard. All you can really do is train as much as you can to make that response as automatic as possible so you have a much better chance of getting away.
Oh no worries. The video is like an hour and a half long. I saw this guy a few years back at a training about child abuse and it explained to me why I did what I did and really saved me from blaming myself.
Of course I want us all to fight back and report and put these horrible people away, but I also want survivors who don't fight back to understand why they didn't and to not blame themselves. That's all.
And you are right that the more you practice self defense, the more habitual your responses become and more likely it is that this is what would come out of you even with your prefrontal cortex shut down.0 -
Reading the gift of fear right now about this topic for a violent offenders psych class. Talks a lot about how certain people are victimized over others and how not to be a victim ever and trust your intuition. Might be a good read for you. Ive always been the type yo be scared to be rude to someone...but sometimes you habe to be. Sorry this happened to you and ur hubbie wasn't understanding. Men have a hard time understanding a woman's fear though. Their worst fear is being humiliated where we are afraid of being raped or murdered.0
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Report it. Even if it is someone you know. I used to be a "victim " it was because abusive people could tell was the type that would not "cause trouble" please report this man. He has probably done it to other people and will continue to do so it he is not confronted. Please tell, im begging you.0
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I am very sorry this happened to you.
Let this be very clear: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! YOU DID NOTHING TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN!!! don't let anyone tell you different!
Call the police and report it. Give the best description of the man as possible. I would contact the store as well to see if there was anything on camera.
Look into mace and possibly a rape whistle (if they still make those)
And shame on your husband for blowing you off. That's not how he should have handled it at all.
Maybe have your mom go grocery shopping with you next time? Maybe take a bus instead of the subway as well.
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Yep, is fight flight or freeze. Freezing is a defence mechanism too and freezing does not imply consent!
Please file a police report.0 -
this isn't about your weight or your looks or how you dress. its 100% an unstable person, clearly. who most likely needs professional help, not sure police custody will help, but thats a larger discussion.0
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Oh, gosh, this times a billion. I still struggle with that now that I've lost almost all the weight.I made a conscious choice not to let sexually hostile behavior (and the threat of rape) force me to live in a box. [From that perspective, it was a very rude awakening when I realized I'd been unconsciously, but deliberately, living in a fat box]0 -
CorvusCorax77 wrote: »I agree with every one that fighting back is great and all, but I also just want to say for any survivors who, like me, didn't fight back, there are reasons why you didn't fight back. It doesn't make it your fault- I know that's not what the above posters intended by their statements, but it can feel that way and some folks actually think that way...if it was rape she would have fought back, blah blah blah.
100% agreed. Saying, "If she didn't want it, then why didn't she fight back?" is like saying, "If that person didn't want to get hit by a truck, why did they freeze in front of it in the middle of the road?"
Honestly, someone needs to take a case against that truck stop for just letting that stuff happen. Their attitude towards it is an example of rape culture at its finest (or rather, lowest). They shouldn't be like, "Oh, it's just part of the job", and they should be taking it very seriously.0
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