Advice: 12 year old is overweight :(
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Your kids learn from you. My son was 5 when his dad and I split up. I pretty much gave up exercise for 5 years, and I gained 60 pounds. I absolutely hated the way I looked and felt, and realized I had to stop being a slug. I started back at the gym, and got back to running. My son and his neighborhood pals first started riding bikes along with me, then they started running too. Within a couple of years, my son was leaving me in the dust. We did 5 half-marathons together, with his friends along too. About once a week after work I would haul a car-full of them up to the high school and we all ran bleachers and the track. My son joined my gym at age 12, as did some of his buddies - and yeah we all worked out together until he started driving himself. He is 23 now (finishing college) and is outrageously fit, and is very mindful of what he eats, nutrition-wise. The other boys are about the same. I am quite proud of all of them, and I know that I played a big part in how seriously they take their health now.
You can do the same...but you need to start NOW.0 -
A treadmill would be really boring to a 12 year old. What about dance class if she doesn't like sports? I used to be into dance and tennis in HS.
You also need to address why she's over eating. Is it because you are? Why are you? Are you and your ex fighting a lot? Is there bullying happening at school? I don't want you to answer these questions here, but I want you to really think hard to yourself about it. Consider seeing a counselor for both of you and work out what's going on inside as well as outside.0 -
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Thanks everyone for the advice.. First of all I do set the example because I run 45 minutes on the treadmill every day (or at least 5 times a week) and we do eat good at my house, problem is that the next week when she's at her dad's she'll eat cake and sit on her butt all day. I must say there's no sugar in my house and no junk food.
Now my daughter is a very smart girl, she doesn't move enough because she's always at the kitchen table doing her homework, she's always studying and she's going to a private school next year for high school so yes I do very much encourage her to keep in her books
and I do tell her that her needing to take care of her weight is NOT about being pretty.. it's about her health.
And I do not 'force' her to get on the treadmill, last night when I got off she right away got on without me asking her, I told her I'll coach her and help her and we can be partners in this so she fast walked and jogged for a good 30 minutes and then she was full of energy the rest of the evening so I told her makes you feel really good
Just wanted to say that being a good student does not preclude being an athlete. In fact, sports can actually help them in school. They learn great time management, focus, etc.
Also, she would seriously be better off developing some activities that she will enjoy for the rest of her life, to make a habit of, and walking on a treadmill won't be it, I can pretty much guarantee, plus it's something she won't have available half the time, while she's at her dad's.
Also, earlier I suggested working with a counsellor, but wanted to add that you could also try a mediator.0 -
Does she have a MyFitnessPal account? That could help educate her on what she's putting in her body. I started counting calories around 16, and I don't think it was a bad thing. My dad was actually the one who intervened when I started overeating and gaining weight in high school, and I'm so glad that he did. It helped me set good habits while I was young and prevented me from getting in an even unhealthier relationship with food. Sports are a great way to socialize, get out of the house, and feel better physically and emotionally. If she can find an activity she's passionate about or at least try some different activities, it can really help in the long run. Some examples: walking, biking, swimming, running, dancing, yoga, weight training, volleyball, soccer. kickball, roller derby. Physical activity is going to be challenging at first, but sticking with it will have tremendous benefits. I also think you should do it together or with friends, rather than make her do it alone. Much more motivations and even more fun! My parents made me do all sorts of things I didn't want to do when I was a teenager (chores, curfew, etc.), but I'm so grateful for their guidance now.
Best of luck to you and your daughter with your weight loss journeys!0 -
Does she have a MyFitnessPal account? That could help educate her on what she's putting in her body. I started counting calories around 16, and I don't think it was a bad thing. My dad was actually the one who intervened when I started overeating and gaining weight in high school, and I'm so glad that he did. It helped me set good habits while I was young and prevented me from getting in an even unhealthier relationship with food. Sports are a great way to socialize, get out of the house, and feel better physically and emotionally. If she can find an activity she's passionate about or at least try some different activities, it can really help in the long run. Some examples: walking, biking, swimming, running, dancing, yoga, weight training, volleyball, soccer. kickball, roller derby. Physical activity is going to be challenging at first, but sticking with it will have tremendous benefits. My parents made me do all sorts of things I didn't want to do when I was a teenager (chores, curfew, etc.), but I'm so grateful for their guidance now.
Best of luck to you and your daughter with your weight loss journeys!
You have to be 18 to use myfitnesspal, and 12 is pretty darn young to be counting calories. Activities, activities, activities, and include cooking healthy meals together, too. Teach a life skill while improving nutrition and that may help when she's at her dad's, too.0 -
I havent read all of the responses, but ....
MAKE IT FUN to get active... I have a Wii and my daughter and I LOVE Just Dance.. we have 4 different ones. We also have Zumba for Wii... and Wii Fit which is also like a game. You would be surprised how many calories you can burn playing an active video game.
Also, There are so many fun dance workout DVD's or YouTube videos.
We also used to do water aerobics at the local public pool in the summer.
My daughter is not overweight, but she loves to be active and have fun doing the things that I am doing to get healthy and fit. I feel like she is a huge support system for me. So find out what your daughter likes to do and make it into an activity that you can do together.0 -
DrifterBear wrote: »Don't put her on a 'diet' and don't put her on a treadmill. It all starts and ends with YOU! You have 30 lbs to lose too, so you both need to eat better and be more active. If you are a good role model and serve healthy portion controlled meals and go for walks, etc., she'll follow. Get a couple bikes, look up local hiking places near you. Maybe get a camera and get her out in the woods or wherever you live. Take pictures of wildlife and go home and try to figure out and document what you found. Whatever it is, if you start spending time with her doing healthy activities, she'll be more likely to pick up that lifestyle.
Bingo. This. I have a 12 year old who is not overweight, but she's short and as she grows, has no room for extra weight. I started a couch to 5K program with her when she was 9 because I felt like with my work and her school, we never got time alone without one of us being busy. We jogged and walked. On weekends, we hiked, and she loved getting out her phone to take pictures of nature. At first, it bugged me that we stopped so often, but she really enjoyed being outside. We don't run together anymore, but we do swim. I signed her up for lessons and then put her in a very low key summer swim league. Turns out, she really enjoyed it. It's a team sport, but you're really competing with yourself. Now, I go to a water cardio class and she swims laps while I'm there. Sometimes I see that she's only been in the pool 20 minutes, but it's 20 minutes that she's off the couch. And I thank her each time for being my "swim buddy" because it's so much more fun to get out and move with someone else.
I made an appointment with a reg dietitian because my daughter became a vegetarian 6 months ago. I want someone other than myself to talk to her about nutrition, meals, etc. Maybe you could go together. Can she help you in the kitchen? It can be really fun to buy a Cooking Light magazine or something and try a new recipe. It's also fun to see how delicious good choices can be. You probably can't control what she eats at her dad's, but maybe just focus on being a role model at home and give her time.
Start with you. She's watching. She gets it
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That's the thing tho in the summer we go swimming almost every day (that she's with me) but in the winter when it's -30 outside I don't want to swim (indoors of course LOL) don't want to go out for a walk in the winter.. that's why right now I'm thinking of the treadmill but last night she loved it, I will never force her but it's right there in our living room so she can use it as soon as winter goes away then we are a lot more active and she still doesn't really lose weight because of the way she's eating when she's with her dad. I will talk to him on Friday when he picks her up (and someone asked if me and him fight often and no we're on very good terms except for her weight)
I do not want to get her into counting calories but like last night after supper she was hungry again and I told her no more food.. veggies or fruits that's IT so that's what she did.. but she's use to asking for seconds all the time, no more. I told her she'll have to control herself when she's at her dad's because he lets her have seconds I said if your tummy isn't growling then no seconds.
It's soo different because my other daughter who's now 21 years old was into every sport she could find.. gymnastics about 20 hours a week and then cheerleading.. always moving but I have full custody of her and total control easier to 'Force' her to be in sports. I had signed up my 12 year old for sports which I'd bring her the week she's with me but then her dad wouldn't bring her the week she's with him, then she wanted to quit because she's the 'fat' kid...
Anyway thanks again I love all your advice and I'm really going to do this for my daughter, I told her stick with my plan and we'll be feeling very good in our skin this summer 0 -
I was also a overweight kid. In 7th grade I weighed 180lbs and over the course of a few years I lost 40lbs but was never able to get to a healthy weight. I would recommend maybe just having healthy foods in the house and making low calorie meals. Also try hiding veggies in everyday foods- I have a fiance who eats like a 5 year old so when I cook for him I hide veggies in everything. I usually grind up zucchini, peppers, and onion in a meatloaf in which you would never know its there. (do you know how many veggies you can put in a meatloaf?) Maybe also try taking your daughter to the gym with you.0
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Structure.0
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And I do not 'force' her to get on the treadmill, last night when I got off she right away got on without me asking her, I told her I'll coach her and help her and we can be partners in this so she fast walked and jogged for a good 30 minutes and then she was full of energy the rest of the evening so I told her makes you feel really good
To add to the fact that she will get on the treadmill and walk or run, can you find some fun 5Ks to do on the weekend?0 -
That's the thing tho in the summer we go swimming almost every day (that she's with me) but in the winter when it's -30 outside I don't want to swim (indoors of course LOL) don't want to go out for a walk in the winter.. that's why right now I'm thinking of the treadmill but last night she loved it, I will never force her but it's right there in our living room so she can use it as soon as winter goes away then we are a lot more active and she still doesn't really lose weight because of the way she's eating when she's with her dad. I will talk to him on Friday when he picks her up (and someone asked if me and him fight often and no we're on very good terms except for her weight)
I do not want to get her into counting calories but like last night after supper she was hungry again and I told her no more food.. veggies or fruits that's IT so that's what she did.. but she's use to asking for seconds all the time, no more. I told her she'll have to control herself when she's at her dad's because he lets her have seconds I said if your tummy isn't growling then no seconds.
It's soo different because my other daughter who's now 21 years old was into every sport she could find.. gymnastics about 20 hours a week and then cheerleading.. always moving but I have full custody of her and total control easier to 'Force' her to be in sports. I had signed up my 12 year old for sports which I'd bring her the week she's with me but then her dad wouldn't bring her the week she's with him, then she wanted to quit because she's the 'fat' kid...
Anyway thanks again I love all your advice and I'm really going to do this for my daughter, I told her stick with my plan and we'll be feeling very good in our skin this summer
Why wouldn't her dad bring her?
It's important for you two to be on the same page. I'm glad you're going to talk to him. I'm wondering if a talk in a more serious setting is in order - like at her doctor's office or counseling.
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That's the thing tho in the summer we go swimming almost every day (that she's with me) but in the winter when it's -30 outside I don't want to swim (indoors of course LOL) don't want to go out for a walk in the winter.. that's why right now I'm thinking of the treadmill but last night she loved it, I will never force her but it's right there in our living room so she can use it as soon as winter goes away then we are a lot more active and she still doesn't really lose weight because of the way she's eating when she's with her dad. I will talk to him on Friday when he picks her up (and someone asked if me and him fight often and no we're on very good terms except for her weight)
I do not want to get her into counting calories but like last night after supper she was hungry again and I told her no more food.. veggies or fruits that's IT so that's what she did.. but she's use to asking for seconds all the time, no more. I told her she'll have to control herself when she's at her dad's because he lets her have seconds I said if your tummy isn't growling then no seconds.
It's soo different because my other daughter who's now 21 years old was into every sport she could find.. gymnastics about 20 hours a week and then cheerleading.. always moving but I have full custody of her and total control easier to 'Force' her to be in sports. I had signed up my 12 year old for sports which I'd bring her the week she's with me but then her dad wouldn't bring her the week she's with him, then she wanted to quit because she's the 'fat' kid...
Anyway thanks again I love all your advice and I'm really going to do this for my daughter, I told her stick with my plan and we'll be feeling very good in our skin this summer
If she enjoys swimming as you say, put her into a youth development program through a local swim club, or put her in lifeguard club. With lifeguard club, it's fun, it encourages getting fit, and it builds skills that will allow her to certify as a lifeguard and learn CPR etc. Surely the Ex would be on board with that! There's no reason not to swim when it's -30 outside, my kids do it every day except Sundays (8-9x per week each), and sometimes then, too.0 -
Ditto on talking to Dad, even if he "can't" feed her right, he should be supporting her in sports or activities.
Is there a Crossfit Kids program near? Our twins do gymnastics one night, and CFK 2 nights a week. Although they love gymnastics, they spend more time talking about what their WOD will be on those nights. Plus their coaches discuss things like making healthy choices, personal responsibility, and integrity during class.
And you could always sign up for a class at the same time!kshama2001 wrote: »
Why wouldn't her dad bring her?
It's important for you two to be on the same page. I'm glad you're going to talk to him. I'm wondering if a talk in a more serious setting is in order - like at her doctor's office or counseling.
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My 15 year old has made a drastic change that we started at 12. He was 165 pounds. Now he's 154, 8" taller (so he looks about 50 pounds thinner) and one of the star high school swimmers. He has put in an astounding amount of work. He couldn't even touch his toes without falling over at 12 and he felt very insecure in PE bc of his size.
The advice here so far is really good.
I'd go with no off limit foods and doing this together. But some foods don't have to be in your house - go out and have the best ones you can afford once in a while for a treat.
I would NOT tell her to use the treadmill as her main source. Let her use it all she wants. Pick activities that cater to *her*(she's socially driven, right?).
I'd get a list of hikes or walks or stairway walks in your area and make a goal to work through all of them together. This can be the central activity all other things work towards, or a weekly extra. I also agree with Tae Kwon Do (my 12 year old is almost to his black belt).
My husband was not on board with the food and workouts and did things to specifically antagonize me. But how I handled it was watched closely by my boys. My husband has done a 180, but it took a few years to get to this point.
And let her know, that no matter how she looks, you love her and she is valuable.0 -
KathleenKP wrote: »My 15 year old has made a drastic change that we started at 12. He was 165 pounds. Now he's 154, 8" taller (so he looks about 50 pounds thinner) and one of the star high school swimmers. He has put in an astounding amount of work. He couldn't even touch his toes without falling over at 12 and he felt very insecure in PE bc of his size.
The advice here so far is really good.
I'd go with no off limit foods and doing this together. But some foods don't have to be in your house - go out and have the best ones you can afford once in a while for a treat.
I would NOT tell her to use the treadmill as her main source. Let her use it all she wants. Pick activities that cater to *her*(she's socially driven, right?).
I'd get a list of hikes or walks or stairway walks in your area and make a goal to work through all of them together. This can be the central activity all other things work towards, or a weekly extra. I also agree with Tae Kwon Do (my 12 year old is almost to his black belt).
My husband was not on board with the food and workouts and did things to specifically antagonize me. But how I handled it was watched closely by my boys. My husband has done a 180, but it took a few years to get to this point.
And let her know, that no matter how she looks, you love her and she is valuable.
Awesome success story and exactly why I push swimming for inactive kids who enjoy it. Mine started swimming very late, oldest learned to swim (literally Red Cross 1) at 11, started winter swimming at 13, and will be competing at the Canadian Olympic Trials in April. It's amazing what finding the right sport can do for a 'non-athletic' kid (he did no sports prior due to medical reasons and was written off as hopeless the first few years of swimming, from a competitive perspective)
Edited to add he is 19 now, so it's only been 6.5 years of competitive
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You're the perfect position to make healthy changes for yourself that can help your daughter too, like having healthier meals and snacks, and getting more exercise. It never hurts to cut added sugar out of one's diet. Maybe you could start planning more family activities that are active. I know that my exercise habit was formed early. My parents walked and biked instead of driving whenever possible, and we went for hikes and bike rides on the weekend.0
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I missed the part earlier about shared custody. I agree with everyone that you and Dad need to have a serious talk (without your daughter present) to get your goals and expectations in line. It's not just you laying down the law, there will need to be some compromise on both sides. Hopefully, he will realize this is good for her and meet you halfway.
I also don't recall seeing an answer to this -- how tall is she? 130 pounds is only overweight if she is under 5 feet tall (by BMI standards, anyway). I know bone structure and such have a lot to do with things, but I'm a bit surprised the doctor wants her to lose 30 pounds unless she's really tiny. Most of the time, pediatricians would rather see kids "grow into" their weight, unless they are at the end of their growth ... and at the sizes you're talking about, I'm a bit surprised if that's the case. I'm not necessarily questioning the doctor, just trying to get some better info.0 -
I was going to write something about not pressuring her, but others have said it better than I could. I'm glad you're doing such a good job with her.0
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Keep junk food out of the house, limit screen time (which is entirely reasonable for her age), and engage her in fun activities: dog-walking, trampoline, skateboarding, roller blading, hiking, dance, biking. Go with her and encourage her to plan active outings with her friends. Learn to cook nutritious meals together and make it a bonding experience.0
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My son is nearly 13, and while he is within a normal BMI range, he has gotten softer around the middle as he approaches puberty. Given the choice, he would gladly live a very sedentary lifestyle and entertain himself nonstop with his iPod and computer games. However, we simply don't give him that choice. Technology time--including TV--is limited strictly to weekends, and it has to be earned with some form of physical activity. It sounds a little harsh, but earning screen time is a better incentive for our preteen than cutting calories or increasing his fitness. We also model a very active lifestyle and include all of our children in it.
As for diet, we've done some teaching at home about how to read a nutrition label and be aware of high calorie foods. I prepare an after school snack, and there is no other food allowed until dinner. No foods are off limits, but we really stress the importance of having reasonable serving sizes.0 -
This is just a FYI for you OP I don't have the studies that talk about it so take what you want from it.
Fat cell production stops at puberty. After that we just grow our existing fat cells, we don't produce more of them.
A fat to obese child therefore has a greater predisposition to become a fat or obese adult because of the higher amount of fat cells they accrued as a child.
Conversely, a child entering puberty slimmer will have less fat cells throughout their life ( these still can grow fatter)
I am not posting this for debate. It is something I read a long time ago and thought the OP may wish to research this further as I do not know the veracity of the hypotheses.
Cheers, h.0 -
At twelve I was about 130-140 lbs and needed to loose weight as well. My parents didnt encourage it, they felt I was fine and should focus on other. But Honestly, a child cannot be focused on other things when they are OUTCASTED, BULLIED, and UNCOMFORTABLE IN THEIR OWN SKIN. Encourage the fitness. Books aren't everything. She will need healthy skills to help her lead a long life.
Honestly getting her involved in JUST exercising could lead to possible bad future habits(because I was over weight, I exercised, and exercising became a control issue which developed into an eating disorder. As I said, my parents offered no help or support or suggestions. I didnt exercise because I wanted to, but felt I had too because of bullying). If she doesn't want to do an out-side of school sport or dance...Take one with her at the YMCA or local gym. she's young, overweight, and at that awkward phase. It's ALL About being comfortable. If anything, see if her and her friends would be interested in taking a dance class together, talk to their parents and see about signing them all up for the same thing. Once she gets in her element. You won't be able to stop her. She'll just want to keep going.0
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