Marriage and separate friends?

Options
SemperAnticus1643
SemperAnticus1643 Posts: 703 Member
in Chit-Chat
I met my husband 2 years ago. We got along great and were each other's best friend. So I really quit talking with my friends before I met him and focused solely on us. We recently went thru a situation where I was ready to file for an annulment after just 5 months of marriage. I turned to friends for support. Since then my husband and I have reconciled and are working on making our marriage work. I feel like at this point I need to keep my friends. To turn to when things are going wrong or when things are great and I want to brag a little. He thinks I don't need them now cause I never needed them before. My question is, is it healthy to have separate friends?
«1

Replies

  • Karyn1120
    Karyn1120 Posts: 184 Member
    Options
    It is definitely healthy to have separate friends!!! Enjoy your time wiht them.....friends are a precious commodity!
  • iAMaPhoenix
    iAMaPhoenix Posts: 1,038 Member
    Options
    Simple answer...YES.
  • AngieM76
    AngieM76 Posts: 622 Member
    Options
    Is very much healthy to have seperate friends and I would in no way give them up again.
  • ak_in_ak
    ak_in_ak Posts: 657 Member
    Options
    Friends are one of those things you don't realize how importnat they are untill they are gone. I lost a lot of friends when i first started dating my boyfirend, 4 years later we are still going strong but I miss my ex-best friend terribly. We are both so different now but it is important to have a females around!
  • marybailey
    marybailey Posts: 4 Member
    Options
    Absolutely, you should both have your own friends!! You are an individual, after all and so is he. :smile:
  • TakuraHunt
    TakuraHunt Posts: 208
    Options
    I did the same thing you did, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I cut off communication with my closet friends, and focused all of my time and energy solely on him. We have been together for 11 years, married for 6 and there is not 1 year that goes by when we don't talk about getting a seperation. I miss having my friends to turn to... to talk to... to cry with... to laugh with...
  • jenjenlv
    jenjenlv Posts: 42
    Options
    It is healthy and I would say necessary to have separate friends. As much as you love your significant other, you still need to be you and have friends and have that "me" time.
  • smpearce13
    smpearce13 Posts: 32 Member
    Options
    Completely necessary! I think my wife and I would go crazy if we didn't have our circle(s) of friends!

    To turn this around a little, he doesn't think you need any other friends, but does he have a group of friends, or people to talk to/hang out with?

    I've watched that with my wife's family (they're Mormon). Her (step)dad has people he hangs out with, does his fishing and hunting trips with, and her mom basically has her daughters and grandkids. You can tell sometimes that's just not enough for her.
  • elliecolorado
    elliecolorado Posts: 1,040
    Options
    Never been married, but been in several long term relationships. And yes it is healthy to have separate friends!
  • outersoul
    outersoul Posts: 711
    Options
    Separate friends is a must. For as much as marriage is a union, there's also a need to get away. Removing yourself from situations is often the best view.
  • SandersWifey
    SandersWifey Posts: 387
    Options
    YESSSS!!!!:bigsmile:

    My husband IS my best friend..
    BUT I also have my own friends and he has his own friends
    and we have like 3 mutual friends.

    I live with the thinking that there needs to be 3 'times'
    'us' time
    'me' time
    'girl time' <--or 'friend' time if you have mixed gender friends.

    And honestly he should want you to have friends!!!! Friends are good for the soul!
    Hopw everything works out for you!:flowerforyou:
  • amyyellis
    amyyellis Posts: 7
    Options
    I don't have any male friends that I talk to or spend time with apart from my husband. I feel like that is just asking for trouble.

    Its very normal when you get married to transition from having mostly single friends to more couple friends. Our premarriage counselor told us that, and its proved true. My best friends now are all married, and we talk constantly. But its very important to remember that your husband is your priority. E.g. I tell my friends when we are fighting, but I don't speak badly about my husband. I also never share anything too personal about our relationship, because its between him and I.

    I think you can find a healthy balance. Sounds like you guys need some support from other couples, and maybe an older couple who can give you advice from their experience?
  • rs2361
    rs2361 Posts: 40 Member
    Options
    keeping your friends when you are married is EXTREMELY important!
  • sweetmeka238
    sweetmeka238 Posts: 16
    Options
    Keep your friends, keep your sanity lol. Realistically we all need a break from our significant other from time to time or just some form of outside activity. Although you are ex. "Steve's wife", you still have an identity. Dont lose site of who you were before you got married.

    I had cut all of my friends back significantly (like a once a month outing to Olive Garden with 1 or 2) or I didnt talk to them at all. Totally not healthy! I am now separated going through a divorce and after a few dirty looks and verbal beatings, my friends acted as if I had never neglected them.
  • mikethom
    mikethom Posts: 183 Member
    Options
    Friends are so important. I am going through the whole divorce thing; after we broke up I realized how estranged I had allowed myself to become from my friends because of the relationship. I was lucky that my friends were willing to take me back in and they have been such a tremendous support to me since. I realize now that regardless of my relationship with a partner, I shouldn't let that relationship force me to lose my support network.

    Mike
  • mrsbrown2k1
    mrsbrown2k1 Posts: 139
    Options
    Yes seperate friends is a requirement!!!! When my ex-husband and I seperated all our friends were his friends. I was left with no one. Loneliest time in my life. My current husband and I have the same friends and seperate friends!
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
    Options
    I agree, it's really healthy to have separate friends. Like SandersWifey, I strongly believe in "us time", "me time" and "girl time". I'm totally crazy about my hubby, he's definitely my #1 best friend and I do like to get as much "us time" in as I can BUT there's nothing like hanging with your girlfriends. My two besties have been in my life for almost 20 years now so we're more like sisters and we pretty much know every little detail of each others lives so besides hubby, there's no one else I feel as comfortable around.

    Plus, here's the thing - if you only call your friends when you need their support and then you lose contact, that means you're not reciprocating by being available to them when they need you. Like any relationship, it's all about give and take. So keep those bonds going and have a girl's day now and then and I'm sure you'll be much happier.
  • SemperAnticus1643
    SemperAnticus1643 Posts: 703 Member
    Options
    Completely necessary! I think my wife and I would go crazy if we didn't have our circle(s) of friends!

    To turn this around a little, he doesn't think you need any other friends, but does he have a group of friends, or people to talk to/hang out with?

    I've watched that with my wife's family (they're Mormon). Her (step)dad has people he hangs out with, does his fishing and hunting trips with, and her mom basically has her daughters and grandkids. You can tell sometimes that's just not enough for her.

    My husband is from Las Vegas, and we live in Oklahoma. His closest friend lives in either Vegas or Utah. He calls his friend but doesn't make friends here.
  • NewVonnie
    NewVonnie Posts: 683 Member
    Options
    My husband and I have couple friends we hang out with together, and I'll also hang out with just the wife. But we both also have single friends that we each hang out with. You need couple time, me time, and time with your friends. The key is balance. You cant neglect your relationship but you also need to pursue other things that fullfill you too. At least that works for us and we've been married 22 years.
  • SemperAnticus1643
    SemperAnticus1643 Posts: 703 Member
    Options
    My husband and I have couple friends we hang out with together, and I'll also hang out with just the wife. But we both also have single friends that we each hang out with. You need couple time, me time, and time with your friends. The key is balance. You cant neglect your relationship but you also need to pursue other things that fullfill you too. At least that works for us and we've been married 22 years.

    See that's the thing. We started playing softball together. His depth perception is messed up so he decided he didn't want to play anymore and quit going. So now I'm going by myself. He works from 9 to 830 most days so going out for us is a really late outing and his 2 days off are wednesday which is a school/work night for kids/me and sunday which is when we pick the kids up from their grandfathers. So my friday nights are spent at home, which i'm cool with most times, or at my dads until he gets home. So I have the opportunity to go to a concert tonight with some girlfriends and after everything that he and I have been thru this past month he feels like I don't want to be around him. I have a chance to get away from him and I'm taking it. Which is not true. But otherwise I would be spending most of the night by myself anyway.

Categories