Ladies, am I being selfish for making my Girlfriend lose weight?
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oh_happy_day wrote: »TechOutside wrote: »Well, I'm not a lady, but I will tell you my experience. I was in the same situation at your age. I was into biking, running, outdoor stuff, trying to stay healthy. She wasn't into what I was, and frankly opposites attract. I loved her and just as she did, we both overlooked the negatives as the positives were overwhelming.
Year after year, I would ask her to come with me to the gym, go on a bike ride, walk around the block and there was always something more important to do. The kids, the house, the job. I would take on more responsibilities to free her to be able to do more to help her lead a healthier lifestyle. I would cook, clean, take the kids more, well over the 50/50 that a successful marriage requires. I had a career job and she worked to stay out of the house, to pay for daycare, and help with bills. I just needed to do more, be even more supportive, take on even more responsibility.
I never complained and I always praised her, trying to be supportive, never once bringing up her weight, ever. Trying to subtly change the dinners to more healthy meals. Parking the car further so we could walk a little farther. Things like that. Nothing worked, she just had her reasons for not leading a healthy lifestyle, and I followed the advice of all the professionals, I read all the books to try to understand, I tried every possible way to help her without ever saying that I was trying to help her. I just sat back and lived the life that I needed to and allowed her to live hers as all the people told me to do.
I chose to stay with her, I chose to remain silent and allow her to be her. That was my choice and I own it.
Here we are at 50, after 32 years, the kids are grown, the peak of our lives and we are unable to do the things we always wanted to do, or what we said we wanted to do. I lift weights, I run, I am active and she is not. She has health problems that come with being overweight, I do not, not yet anyway...
Don't get me wrong, I am no Adonis. I know what I am, and I know that I still love her, but I also know that everyone here is giving or going to give you the same advice that I have heard for 32 years. Be supportive, it's not your job in changing her. It's her life.. etc. Enabling her to continue her chosen lifestyle. Fine, good, then you will have to consider the position you will be in later in life.
You have to consider that this is YOUR life too, (You know, the other HALF of the combined life together) after 32 years with maybe 20 left to go of a potential active lifestyle, I have to make a choice for ME, someone has to be supportive of ME, and I am the only one who will do that.
Will I choose to remain silent, will I choose to walk away, will I choose to take a stand and force the issue to an eruptive state? I can't say at this moment, but walking away is a consideration. Is it worth the effort and the fight? Who knows, I will make the call for me.
I will no longer listen to those who claim to know, because every person and every situation is different. I am mad, I am frustrated, and I am feeling like my needs were never part of the equation, but they are every bit as important as your partners. Don't think you are being selfish for thinking this way, it's the right way to think in my opinion.
If I were to have the chance to do it over, I would have fought, and fought hard to keep her healthy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me how much of a selfish jerk I was. I would fight like it was for my life, because it frankly is.
So just be prepared to see what you may sacrifice for being supportive, enabling, and such. Go ahead people, attack away, I don't care, I have played that game internally for a very long time, and frankly I'm done listening to those who haven't played the game.
Good luck.
I'm genuinely curious, what do you think you could have done in the past that would have altered this? What do you think you could have done that could have changed the behaviours that lead to her being overweight? Because it sounds like you think it's something you could have controlled or influenced. (I'm not judging, just curious.)
I would say his option is the same as one the OP can exercise now, if they so choose: they could leave. It's a legitimate choice if the issue is important enough to them0 -
You can change people, don't kid yourself.
My wife has changed me in ways that may seem inconsequential to some, but I did make changes for her, for my family, to make them happy. That is changing people. Be nice (ex Military) Clean more, cook more, drink less. Fold the laundry this way, turn the toilet paper over this way. Little things, little changes, but changes none the less. This is cleaning day, not that day. Not today. Not tonight!
Choices in life, made for the benefit of either yourself, or those around you. There are certainly subtle changes that she has made to make me happy too. Just not this one.
Your choices are long lasting. Maybe I am fooling myself to think that I could have done more, tried something else. I can't say, but here I am. When you are young, you don't consider long term as much as you probably should.
For me, my kids lives were more important than my own. Had we not had kids, I can't say if I would have stayed, but back then it wasn't as big of an issue as it is today.
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It seems sometimes we're ready to make a change, and other times we actively resist them for any number of reasons0
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Oh, I think you know the answer to that already.0
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A couple tips. My wife knows I am sexually attracted to her when she weighs 170 or 260 and seven months pregnant. Make sure your girlfriend knows this through both your words AND deeds.
For us trust and two way communication are vital to maintaining our love. One Ill timed or poorly considered remark can outweigh fifty compliments. Positive reinforcement is the way to go.
If she has decided she wants this for herself. Do not be the only source of support. Have her go on forum threads and talk to other people and educate herself. Weight loss myths and diets that are actually counter productive are highly prevalent.
Also consider some of the knee jerk reactions of other posters. There are many many wrong ways to do what you are trying to do. It is a sensitive and emotionally charged topic. Tread carefully.0 -
Alatariel75 wrote: »I think you sound like a controlling jerk. You sound really entitled. What else are you going to start telling her to change to suit your idea of what she should be?
Woah you seem to judge a lot eh? Mind elaborating a bit more why you think like that? I don't control her and i dont keep on bugging her. Her BMI is 33.3. What to do think about that?
@Tavistocktoad - Ofcourse not, why would i dump on such petty reason. Do you mean I should just let her go and cross 200 lbs?
Honestly, this response makes it seem like you're locking for someone to reinforce your choice way more than you want people's actual opinions.
Having said that, I don't necessarily think it's wrong to VERY CAREFULLY speak up on the issue, but it has to he carefully approached, and the person must be allowed to make their own decision.0 -
Hoo boy.
My opinion is that dating is like a job interview, granted one that can be quite long. If I am interviewing somebody for a job and don't like something about him, I don't hire him. I don't keep him around, introduce him to my staff, ask him to hang out in my office, etc. If there is something about this woman that you dislike enough that you want to change, and it isn't something minor and quickly changeable ("hey, could you please be sure to put your dishes in the sink after dinner?") I'm not sure why you're together. It seems like a waste of time for both of you. Cut your losses and move on. Not every interview ends in a hire.0 -
If she is losing weight for you, it won't work. I mean yes, she may lose weight, but she will not maintain it. She needs to lose it because she wants to, because she is doing it for herself.0
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rchlthompson wrote: »
OP couldn't care less how this thread goes. Scratch that, OP is delighted by the direction this thread has taken and this was the hoped for outcome. I'm surprised so many people are falling for it.0 -
oh_happy_day wrote: »TechOutside wrote: »Well, I'm not a lady, but I will tell you my experience. I was in the same situation at your age. I was into biking, running, outdoor stuff, trying to stay healthy. She wasn't into what I was, and frankly opposites attract. I loved her and just as she did, we both overlooked the negatives as the positives were overwhelming.
Year after year, I would ask her to come with me to the gym, go on a bike ride, walk around the block and there was always something more important to do. The kids, the house, the job. I would take on more responsibilities to free her to be able to do more to help her lead a healthier lifestyle. I would cook, clean, take the kids more, well over the 50/50 that a successful marriage requires. I had a career job and she worked to stay out of the house, to pay for daycare, and help with bills. I just needed to do more, be even more supportive, take on even more responsibility.
I never complained and I always praised her, trying to be supportive, never once bringing up her weight, ever. Trying to subtly change the dinners to more healthy meals. Parking the car further so we could walk a little farther. Things like that. Nothing worked, she just had her reasons for not leading a healthy lifestyle, and I followed the advice of all the professionals, I read all the books to try to understand, I tried every possible way to help her without ever saying that I was trying to help her. I just sat back and lived the life that I needed to and allowed her to live hers as all the people told me to do.
I chose to stay with her, I chose to remain silent and allow her to be her. That was my choice and I own it.
Here we are at 50, after 32 years, the kids are grown, the peak of our lives and we are unable to do the things we always wanted to do, or what we said we wanted to do. I lift weights, I run, I am active and she is not. She has health problems that come with being overweight, I do not, not yet anyway...
Don't get me wrong, I am no Adonis. I know what I am, and I know that I still love her, but I also know that everyone here is giving or going to give you the same advice that I have heard for 32 years. Be supportive, it's not your job in changing her. It's her life.. etc. Enabling her to continue her chosen lifestyle. Fine, good, then you will have to consider the position you will be in later in life.
You have to consider that this is YOUR life too, (You know, the other HALF of the combined life together) after 32 years with maybe 20 left to go of a potential active lifestyle, I have to make a choice for ME, someone has to be supportive of ME, and I am the only one who will do that.
Will I choose to remain silent, will I choose to walk away, will I choose to take a stand and force the issue to an eruptive state? I can't say at this moment, but walking away is a consideration. Is it worth the effort and the fight? Who knows, I will make the call for me.
I will no longer listen to those who claim to know, because every person and every situation is different. I am mad, I am frustrated, and I am feeling like my needs were never part of the equation, but they are every bit as important as your partners. Don't think you are being selfish for thinking this way, it's the right way to think in my opinion.
If I were to have the chance to do it over, I would have fought, and fought hard to keep her healthy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me how much of a selfish jerk I was. I would fight like it was for my life, because it frankly is.
So just be prepared to see what you may sacrifice for being supportive, enabling, and such. Go ahead people, attack away, I don't care, I have played that game internally for a very long time, and frankly I'm done listening to those who haven't played the game.
Good luck.
I'm genuinely curious, what do you think you could have done in the past that would have altered this? What do you think you could have done that could have changed the behaviours that lead to her being overweight? Because it sounds like you think it's something you could have controlled or influenced. (I'm not judging, just curious.)
And regardless of the obviousness of the OP...
Because loved ones, the people closest to a person in their life, are completely incapable of any influential affect.
We aren't isolated islands. We influence and affect and are influenced and affected by the people we are with most everyday, even without our realizing it. Show me the person that claims they're never influenced by those around them and I'll show you a liar or a fool.0 -
Hoo boy.
My opinion is that dating is like a job interview, granted one that can be quite long. If I am interviewing somebody for a job and don't like something about him, I don't hire him. I don't keep him around, introduce him to my staff, ask him to hang out in my office, etc. If there is something about this woman that you dislike enough that you want to change, and it isn't something minor and quickly changeable ("hey, could you please be sure to put your dishes in the sink after dinner?") I'm not sure why you're together. It seems like a waste of time for both of you. Cut your losses and move on. Not every interview ends in a hire.
Dishes in the sink is not minor...
http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/0 -
If this post isn't a troll post and you are actually asking a sincere question, here's my answer:
You can't make anyone do anything. They'll do it in their own time. If it's not what you want, get out. Don't waste her time or yours.
You are young and I'm sure you think you have the best intentions (helping someone get healthy, yada yada) but you can't change ANYONE, EVER.0 -
3dogsrunning wrote: »Hoo boy.
My opinion is that dating is like a job interview, granted one that can be quite long. If I am interviewing somebody for a job and don't like something about him, I don't hire him. I don't keep him around, introduce him to my staff, ask him to hang out in my office, etc. If there is something about this woman that you dislike enough that you want to change, and it isn't something minor and quickly changeable ("hey, could you please be sure to put your dishes in the sink after dinner?") I'm not sure why you're together. It seems like a waste of time for both of you. Cut your losses and move on. Not every interview ends in a hire.
Dishes in the sink is not minor...
http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
Ha!0 -
Hubby and I are both health-minded; it's a quality we admire in each other. For most of our marriage however, I was much heavier. That's OK, he likes plump, "As long as it is healthy." Well, now the tables are turned and it's mind boggling how insensitive acquaintances and family can be. Hubby fields all sorts of crass comments on his physical appearance, and it has even been suggested he's at risk of losing me! (Apparently attractive women automatically have a roving eye. *rolls eyes*).
We help each other by encouraging the other to come along to a fitness class, do an activity, and so on. When he wasn't prepared to go, I went myself, and vice versa. He thinks smoothies and fruit are healthy, and nags me if I forget to eat my fruit at lunch. I think veggies are healthy, and nag him if he forgets to eat the salad I've left for him in the refrigerator. This gentle nagging is a signal of our love for each other and our desire for continued health and vitality.
I think couples can approach each other about getting more active, watch what they eat, and do things to improve their health (say, quitting smoking). It is kinder if it is treated as a mutual affair.
BUT if the partner is not ready to tackle it, allow them to be their own selves, and do what you need to do to be healthy.0 -
If my wife knew back then the effect on her health and our relationship at this point in our lives, would she have made small adjustments to keep her health at her personal best? Would she have been more open to try as hard as she could on her own knowing the problems she is incurring today? Likely...Probably. Who knows. If the shoe was on the other foot, would I? Probably.
If one young person read what I said and considered that maybe they are the one heading down the same path with their spouse or significant other, maybe they would be motivated to take some small action to give their spouses their best version of themselves, whatever that may be. Hopefully. It certainly wasn't meant to whine, I made my bed, it was meant to be prophetic, to take heed, and consider the alternatives to the norm.
I personally believe that I owe it to my family to be my personal best, to be the man that they expect me to be. Whatever that means to me individually. That is how I live my life, right wrong or indifferent, that is how it is and it works for me.
Good luck.0 -
Internet head shrinking, projecting, and likely trolling all rolled up into one thread. It's glorious!0
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Because you are a man, you are probably going to get some answers that a bit aggressive because some men have the reputation of being controlling. The first thing you need to do is be honest WITH YOURSELF. Are you really trying to change her to suit your liking or are you planning on taking this relationship further in the future and are genuinely concerned for her. If you just want her to look good for you, then I guarantee you this will be a bad idea because there is a big possibility then she may fail to lose weight or may regain it later, which would put quite a bit of bitterness in your relationship. If you love her no matter how she weighs and are not going to judge her if she is unable to lose weight, then it's worth a try.
She seems okay with it, so I don't see why not. At 24 she is likely not going to have any immediate health concerns related to obesity, but thinking further into the future it's not a bad idea to make a change now. If you are going to support her through this, make sure you let her know how beautiful she is to you no matter what. Try to help her understand that you want her to lose weight FOR HERSELF, not for you, and that it's 120% HER choice and her choice only. That you aren't going to judge her no matter what she choses to do and no matter what happens throughout. You don't want her to feel pressured by you. Some women feel pressured even if you don't pressure her directly, that's why you need to let her know that this is entirely up to her and the outcome will never change the way you feel.
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Yeah, talk like that is what gave my friend an eating disorder.0
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As long as your intentions are sincere and you ensure that she fully understands you and your loyalty to her then I don't see the harm in telling her how you feel. Just don't let it get to the point where this becomes detrimental to your relationship0
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If you approached it from a health standpoint I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I can't imagine standing silently by as someone I loved destroyed their health.0
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