Ladies, am I being selfish for making my Girlfriend lose weight?
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Hoo boy.
My opinion is that dating is like a job interview, granted one that can be quite long. If I am interviewing somebody for a job and don't like something about him, I don't hire him. I don't keep him around, introduce him to my staff, ask him to hang out in my office, etc. If there is something about this woman that you dislike enough that you want to change, and it isn't something minor and quickly changeable ("hey, could you please be sure to put your dishes in the sink after dinner?") I'm not sure why you're together. It seems like a waste of time for both of you. Cut your losses and move on. Not every interview ends in a hire.
Dishes in the sink is not minor...
http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/0 -
If this post isn't a troll post and you are actually asking a sincere question, here's my answer:
You can't make anyone do anything. They'll do it in their own time. If it's not what you want, get out. Don't waste her time or yours.
You are young and I'm sure you think you have the best intentions (helping someone get healthy, yada yada) but you can't change ANYONE, EVER.0 -
3dogsrunning wrote: »Hoo boy.
My opinion is that dating is like a job interview, granted one that can be quite long. If I am interviewing somebody for a job and don't like something about him, I don't hire him. I don't keep him around, introduce him to my staff, ask him to hang out in my office, etc. If there is something about this woman that you dislike enough that you want to change, and it isn't something minor and quickly changeable ("hey, could you please be sure to put your dishes in the sink after dinner?") I'm not sure why you're together. It seems like a waste of time for both of you. Cut your losses and move on. Not every interview ends in a hire.
Dishes in the sink is not minor...
http://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
Ha!0 -
Hubby and I are both health-minded; it's a quality we admire in each other. For most of our marriage however, I was much heavier. That's OK, he likes plump, "As long as it is healthy." Well, now the tables are turned and it's mind boggling how insensitive acquaintances and family can be. Hubby fields all sorts of crass comments on his physical appearance, and it has even been suggested he's at risk of losing me! (Apparently attractive women automatically have a roving eye. *rolls eyes*).
We help each other by encouraging the other to come along to a fitness class, do an activity, and so on. When he wasn't prepared to go, I went myself, and vice versa. He thinks smoothies and fruit are healthy, and nags me if I forget to eat my fruit at lunch. I think veggies are healthy, and nag him if he forgets to eat the salad I've left for him in the refrigerator. This gentle nagging is a signal of our love for each other and our desire for continued health and vitality.
I think couples can approach each other about getting more active, watch what they eat, and do things to improve their health (say, quitting smoking). It is kinder if it is treated as a mutual affair.
BUT if the partner is not ready to tackle it, allow them to be their own selves, and do what you need to do to be healthy.0 -
If my wife knew back then the effect on her health and our relationship at this point in our lives, would she have made small adjustments to keep her health at her personal best? Would she have been more open to try as hard as she could on her own knowing the problems she is incurring today? Likely...Probably. Who knows. If the shoe was on the other foot, would I? Probably.
If one young person read what I said and considered that maybe they are the one heading down the same path with their spouse or significant other, maybe they would be motivated to take some small action to give their spouses their best version of themselves, whatever that may be. Hopefully. It certainly wasn't meant to whine, I made my bed, it was meant to be prophetic, to take heed, and consider the alternatives to the norm.
I personally believe that I owe it to my family to be my personal best, to be the man that they expect me to be. Whatever that means to me individually. That is how I live my life, right wrong or indifferent, that is how it is and it works for me.
Good luck.0 -
Internet head shrinking, projecting, and likely trolling all rolled up into one thread. It's glorious!0
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Because you are a man, you are probably going to get some answers that a bit aggressive because some men have the reputation of being controlling. The first thing you need to do is be honest WITH YOURSELF. Are you really trying to change her to suit your liking or are you planning on taking this relationship further in the future and are genuinely concerned for her. If you just want her to look good for you, then I guarantee you this will be a bad idea because there is a big possibility then she may fail to lose weight or may regain it later, which would put quite a bit of bitterness in your relationship. If you love her no matter how she weighs and are not going to judge her if she is unable to lose weight, then it's worth a try.
She seems okay with it, so I don't see why not. At 24 she is likely not going to have any immediate health concerns related to obesity, but thinking further into the future it's not a bad idea to make a change now. If you are going to support her through this, make sure you let her know how beautiful she is to you no matter what. Try to help her understand that you want her to lose weight FOR HERSELF, not for you, and that it's 120% HER choice and her choice only. That you aren't going to judge her no matter what she choses to do and no matter what happens throughout. You don't want her to feel pressured by you. Some women feel pressured even if you don't pressure her directly, that's why you need to let her know that this is entirely up to her and the outcome will never change the way you feel.
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Yeah, talk like that is what gave my friend an eating disorder.0
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As long as your intentions are sincere and you ensure that she fully understands you and your loyalty to her then I don't see the harm in telling her how you feel. Just don't let it get to the point where this becomes detrimental to your relationship0
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If you approached it from a health standpoint I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I can't imagine standing silently by as someone I loved destroyed their health.0
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If she does not want to lose weight for herself, regardless if it is for appearance or health reasons, chances are, she will either not lose much, or gain it back. Ask yourself if you are ok with this or not. Do not pretend you are ok if you are not.
This. 100%. Everyone on this site knows that weight loss is an intensely personal thing. You can't really motivate someone with external forces to want to lose weight or change their lifestyle. It is something that really has to be self motivated, otherwise it won't last. When I weighed 240 pounds I certainly wanted to be thinner and more attractive to men, but that was never enough to keep me motivated and pushing through even when it sucked. It wasn't until I just wanted to do it to make myself happy that I was successful at it.
She might be able to lose some weight but until she's doing it for herself, it won't be lasting.0 -
TechOutside wrote: »If my wife knew back then the effect on her health and our relationship at this point in our lives, would she have made small adjustments to keep her health at her personal best? Would she have been more open to try as hard as she could on her own knowing the problems she is incurring today? Likely...Probably. Who knows. If the shoe was on the other foot, would I? Probably.
If one young person read what I said and considered that maybe they are the one heading down the same path with their spouse or significant other, maybe they would be motivated to take some small action to give their spouses their best version of themselves, whatever that may be. Hopefully. It certainly wasn't meant to whine, I made my bed, it was meant to be prophetic, to take heed, and consider the alternatives to the norm.
I personally believe that I owe it to my family to be my personal best, to be the man that they expect me to be. Whatever that means to me individually. That is how I live my life, right wrong or indifferent, that is how it is and it works for me.
Good luck.
Both of your posts could be me and my husband. We have been married 36 years and most of it has been good, except for his poor choices, the most detrimental, his smoking. He had a stent put in his brachial artery 4 years ago and quit smoking cold turkey. I thought that would be his wake up call. No...since retirement he has been sedentary, not extremely overweight, but with his eating habits (that I have tried and failed to change) he ended up in ICU 5 months ago today with diverticulitis complete with perforated colon. It has been a nightmare that if I had a crystal ball 36 years ago and could foresee this I may have run fast in another direction. OP needs to tread lightly, but I understand his concerns. I go about my daily life with the understanding that mostly I'm on my own in my journey to stay healthy. I'm about 25 pounds over weight so I am the last to criticize someone else's choices. I am determined this time (my second on MFP) to do this once and for all. I hope my husband, once he has his final surgery, will join me, if not, I will stay by his side, but also do what I need to do for myself.0 -
OP I agree with TechOutside. In a relationship the health of one partner impacts the other. I am not sure how long you've been in the relationship, but be very careful how you approach your partner in regards to weight loss. I have no answers, but be careful as you don't want her internalizing the messages that she is fat and not good enough for you. In the end she has to do this for her. You can be a source of support, motivation and encouragement. good luck0
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Alatariel75 wrote: »"I feel like I am being good to her as I am trying to change her" - you just sound like you're patting yourself on the back for being such a swell guy by telling her she needs to lose weight and asking her to lose weight "just for you".Do you mean I should just let her go and cross 200 lbs?
Yeah, Joss forbid you let an adult woman make her own decisions. That wouldn't do at all.
...I think I'm in love with you, Alatariel.
But here's the thing.
A lot of us women are coming from the point of view of someone who has been in 'that' relationship. You know the one I mean. The guy who orders pizza and makes mac & cheese for dinner, and then turns around and tells us that "You know, you're a little rounder than you were when we got together." At first, the concern comes off as healthy, and genuine. So, we start making changes. We start making salad instead of eating the mac & cheese, and then we get criticized because we 'just want to eat rabbit food all the time'. And then we start running, or biking, or going to the gym, and 'why can't we just stay home and watch tv?' 'We never spend time together anymore' We invite them to go running with us, but get 'I don't run unless something's chasing me'. So we give up. We go back to eating mac & cheese, stop running, and just stay home and watch tv.
Sometimes, not all the time but sometimes, what started as "you're rounder than you were" swiftly becomes, "that haircut makes you look fat", "that dress'd look better if there was a little less" etc, etc. And by the time we finally come to our senses and get the hell out of the relationship, we are broken, our self-esteem is destroyed, and there are barely enough pieces of ourselves to pick up and patch back together.
So, when a lot of us go "You sound like a jerk", it's because that's our experience with this kind of thing.
If you want your girlfriend to be healthier, make healthier food at home, and make better choices for eating out. Find activities that would be fun and active for both of you to do on dates, like going bowling, open-swim at the pool, going on hikes. YOU may think that you're fit and eat well and don't need to change, but if she sees YOU making healthier changes and inviting her along, she's going to take it far better than telling her that she's fat and you're concerned about her health.
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If you approached it from a health standpoint I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I can't imagine standing silently by as someone I loved destroyed their health.
Yeah. For me, if it's really endangering my loved one's health, I feel the need to speak up. How is that selfish/jerkish behavior?0 -
Don't let your soon-to-be-ex stop you from ripping me a new one. I'm sure you not being able to do that is also her fault.-2
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stmokomoko wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If you approached it from a health standpoint I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I can't imagine standing silently by as someone I loved destroyed their health.
Yeah. For me, if it's really endangering my loved one's health, I feel the need to speak up. How is that selfish/jerkish behavior?
At what point does it become endangering?
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3dogsrunning wrote: »stmokomoko wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If you approached it from a health standpoint I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I can't imagine standing silently by as someone I loved destroyed their health.
Yeah. For me, if it's really endangering my loved one's health, I feel the need to speak up. How is that selfish/jerkish behavior?
At what point does it become endangering?
Obesity is a disease, plus it's a risk factor for a slew of other diseases. It's always endangering.
The more overfat we are, the greater our risk of disease.0 -
Oh boy are you gonna get some flack for this post buddy. Anyway, I understand where you are coming from; and I understand and accept that you do love your girlfriend, and you want her to live a long a healthy life with you. That said, weight loss is a very personal journey, and you can't force it on someone; it's like quitting smoking, you can't force someone to quit smoking, they have to want it for themselves to be successful.
What I've learned is that putting pressure on someone, or judgement will only make things worse, but what does work is support.
My boyfriend weighs much less than I do, but he understands the journey I'm on and the struggle I face, and he is there for me thick or thin (literally), no matter what crazy thing I'm into or want to try, he's down for it, and if I feel lazy that day, or if I want to eat junk, he doesn't judge me for that, and that's what you have to remember.
This is her struggle, not yours, and if you love her all you can do is back off and show your support.
Keep healthy snacks in your house, and do not talk to her about her weight or what she's eating. I promise you, she will do it, but she has to do it for her, not you.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »3dogsrunning wrote: »stmokomoko wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If you approached it from a health standpoint I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I can't imagine standing silently by as someone I loved destroyed their health.
Yeah. For me, if it's really endangering my loved one's health, I feel the need to speak up. How is that selfish/jerkish behavior?
At what point does it become endangering?
Obesity is a disease, plus it's a risk factor for a slew of other diseases. It's always endangering.
The more overfat we are, the greater our risk of disease.
OP's girlfriend is overweight, not obese.0 -
3dogsrunning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »3dogsrunning wrote: »stmokomoko wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If you approached it from a health standpoint I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I can't imagine standing silently by as someone I loved destroyed their health.
Yeah. For me, if it's really endangering my loved one's health, I feel the need to speak up. How is that selfish/jerkish behavior?
At what point does it become endangering?
Obesity is a disease, plus it's a risk factor for a slew of other diseases. It's always endangering.
The more overfat we are, the greater our risk of disease.
OP's girlfriend is overweight, not obese.
5'2" and 185 BMI = 33.2 BMI > 30 is obese.0 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »3dogsrunning wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »3dogsrunning wrote: »stmokomoko wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »If you approached it from a health standpoint I don't see anything wrong with it at all. I can't imagine standing silently by as someone I loved destroyed their health.
Yeah. For me, if it's really endangering my loved one's health, I feel the need to speak up. How is that selfish/jerkish behavior?
At what point does it become endangering?
Obesity is a disease, plus it's a risk factor for a slew of other diseases. It's always endangering.
The more overfat we are, the greater our risk of disease.
OP's girlfriend is overweight, not obese.
5'2" and 185 BMI = 33.2 BMI > 30 is obese.
My bad, some charts I looked at had her at overweight.
ETA - nope, I looked at the colour coding wrong.0 -
rchlthompson wrote: »
OP couldn't care less how this thread goes. Scratch that, OP is delighted by the direction this thread has taken and this was the hoped for outcome. I'm surprised so many people are falling for it.
This. I wish I could figure out a way to monetize troll-feeding; MFP alone would make me very wealthy.0 -
This post, troll or not, has given me a whole new level of appreciation for my partner. We are 24 too.
He loved me at 140lbs. He loved me at 250 lbs. He loved me hugely pregnant and he loved me when I could even look in the mirror.
He worked a 12 hour shift, then came home and dragged me off the sofa to do the 30 day shred. He must have been exhausted.
He gratefully ate every healthy meal I cooked even though he secretly wanted pizza.
He's never been anything but grateful for what I bring to our relationship. And I am grateful for him too.
And now after a fair few years together, we are a many lbs heavier than we were when we met, and we are doing this weight loss together. For ourselves. For each other. For our children. And for our future.
She doesn't need you to tell her to lose weight. She will decide for herself. Perhaps are more loving approach is best?
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xmichaelyx wrote: »rchlthompson wrote: »
OP couldn't care less how this thread goes. Scratch that, OP is delighted by the direction this thread has taken and this was the hoped for outcome. I'm surprised so many people are falling for it.
This. I wish I could figure out a way to monetize troll-feeding; MFP alone would make me very wealthy.
Want to help me set up a Kickstarter?
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Ignoring the potential troll factor, and hoping that this may be useful to lurkers:
Mrs Jruzer provided a strong motivation for me to lose weight. But she did it by speaking the truth with love.
She met me, fell in love with me, and bore all of our children when I was fat. She never shamed me. But she did make me want to change because she knew I was putting my health and longevity at risk. She gently coaxed me, reminded me, encouraged me. She wanted me to be around to see our grandkids. She wanted to be there for my own kids as they grow up. Even with all that, it took me years of false starts, not trying at all, and half-hearted attempts to finally get it right.0 -
It's why I stress to people I know that although opposite attract, if you don't share much of the same beliefs and some hobbies, there will be trouble in paradise down the road. Obviously couples don't agree on every little thing or spend every waking hour together, but things such as living a healthy lifestyle, vacations, enjoying recreational pursuits are a biggy. An example is my husband and have our own hobbies (me horses ( though he does ride) he loves hunting/fishing. But we go to the gym together, do yoga, snowshoeing, take the dogs hiking, etc. What fun would vacation be if we go to the mountains and he hikes or snowshoes and I sit in a room reading? Or long walks on the beach picking up seashells without him? We married each other to spend time and share a life together not go our separate ways. He supports me in my weight loss/healthier eating journey (he stays slim burning calories off at work) eats foods he wouldn't choose for himself, but is finding he rather enjoys. He never said a word that I picked up 42 extra pounds, although he noticed it, how could he not? But he understands that a person can only make changes in their life because they want to, not because someone else says they need it.TechOutside wrote: »Well, I'm not a lady, but I will tell you my experience. I was in the same situation at your age. I was into biking, running, outdoor stuff, trying to stay healthy. She wasn't into what I was, and frankly opposites attract. I loved her and just as she did, we both overlooked the negatives as the positives were overwhelming.
Year after year, I would ask her to come with me to the gym, go on a bike ride, walk around the block and there was always something more important to do. The kids, the house, the job. I would take on more responsibilities to free her to be able to do more to help her lead a healthier lifestyle. I would cook, clean, take the kids more, well over the 50/50 that a successful marriage requires. I had a career job and she worked to stay out of the house, to pay for daycare, and help with bills. I just needed to do more, be even more supportive, take on even more responsibility.
I never complained and I always praised her, trying to be supportive, never once bringing up her weight, ever. Trying to subtly change the dinners to more healthy meals. Parking the car further so we could walk a little farther. Things like that. Nothing worked, she just had her reasons for not leading a healthy lifestyle, and I followed the advice of all the professionals, I read all the books to try to understand, I tried every possible way to help her without ever saying that I was trying to help her. I just sat back and lived the life that I needed to and allowed her to live hers as all the people told me to do.
I chose to stay with her, I chose to remain silent and allow her to be her. That was my choice and I own it.
Here we are at 50, after 32 years, the kids are grown, the peak of our lives and we are unable to do the things we always wanted to do, or what we said we wanted to do. I lift weights, I run, I am active and she is not. She has health problems that come with being overweight, I do not, not yet anyway...
Don't get me wrong, I am no Adonis. I know what I am, and I know that I still love her, but I also know that everyone here is giving or going to give you the same advice that I have heard for 32 years. Be supportive, it's not your job in changing her. It's her life.. etc. Enabling her to continue her chosen lifestyle. Fine, good, then you will have to consider the position you will be in later in life.
You have to consider that this is YOUR life too, (You know, the other HALF of the combined life together) after 32 years with maybe 20 left to go of a potential active lifestyle, I have to make a choice for ME, someone has to be supportive of ME, and I am the only one who will do that.
Will I choose to remain silent, will I choose to walk away, will I choose to take a stand and force the issue to an eruptive state? I can't say at this moment, but walking away is a consideration. Is it worth the effort and the fight? Who knows, I will make the call for me.
I will no longer listen to those who claim to know, because every person and every situation is different. I am mad, I am frustrated, and I am feeling like my needs were never part of the equation, but they are every bit as important as your partners. Don't think you are being selfish for thinking this way, it's the right way to think in my opinion.
If I were to have the chance to do it over, I would have fought, and fought hard to keep her healthy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me how much of a selfish jerk I was. I would fight like it was for my life, because it frankly is.
So just be prepared to see what you may sacrifice for being supportive, enabling, and such. Go ahead people, attack away, I don't care, I have played that game internally for a very long time, and frankly I'm done listening to those who haven't played the game.
Good luck.
Another good example of a healthy relationship is when a partner is asked if they like your hair long or short and they respond, "either way babe, whichever makes you happiest and feel better about yourself".
To the OP, think long and hard about what you want in a partner and how you want your future life to be......be sure that you found the right person and vice versa.
Just my two cents (okay maybe a quarter worth).0 -
OP, if you love her then the two of you will figure it out. Be kind, don't judge, and don't be a doormat or expect her to be one. That said, my only specific advice is don't ask for relationship advice on MFP. Or, for that matter, pretty much any other advice that requires individualized knowledge about you or your situation.0
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