Weight loss while marriage is falling apart.

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  • aylajane
    aylajane Posts: 979 Member
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    amyvanblaricom wrote: »
    I cant find anything butt bitterness in my heart towards this woman that is tearing my family apart.

    What everyone else said... but also... "this woman" is the not the one tearing your family apart - she is with a man she thinks she is in love with. Probably doesnt give you much thought. The one tearing your family apart is your husband. Wouldnt even be possible if he didnt let it. Put the blame squarely where it belongs. She doesnt have to be your favorite person, but honestly if it was not her it would be someone else. People cheat for lots of reasons, usually because they are seeking something they are missing. If they dont find it in one person, they will keep looking. (other reasons for cheating too - including just horny, but since he carried on with her without physical relationship, probably not why for him). You should not give her another thought - any anger you have or hostile feelings belong right at your husband.

    And I second what someone else said about taking the choice for him. Think about this for a second... If a girlfriend of yours, someone you have been friends with a long time and feel like you are lifelong friends, came to you one day and said "I have too many friends and need to cut some out. I am not sure if I want to keep being friends with you, but I will be making my decision this weekend and will let you know" -- would you honestly sit on pins and needles hoping you "win"? Seriously? I dont want to be with someone - especially a husband -- who has to make a conscious decision on whether they want me in their life or not. I want to be with someone who cannot imagine their life without me - there should be no decision to make. If it were me, I would make the decision easy for him - by taking away the choice. Choice is power. You are letting him have all the power of this "decision". Yes it will hurt, but the best way to hurt someone back (my little revenge) is to make them think it doesnt hurt you. Maybe childish, but makes me feel better . Nothing worse than leaving him wondering if you ever cared anyway. That will hurt him a bit. Then you go mourn and cry and hash it out in private (or with better friends).

    Anyway, I feel bad for you, and hope it turns out like you want. But choice is power, and you have just as much as he does - make YOUR choice, dont wait for him to make his.
  • flickingersandy
    flickingersandy Posts: 2 Member
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    _dracarys_ wrote: »
    First of all, don't give him the chance to make a choice. YOU make the choice and remove yourself from the relationship. There is no way in hell I'd be letting him dictate my life and marriage.

    Secondly, start lifting weights. There's nothing better than picking up/putting down heavy schit when you're angry.

  • flickingersandy
    flickingersandy Posts: 2 Member
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    I agree! I had this same thing but mine went beyond emotional. I found a man years later that was my one true love. Don't let him control your life. He isn't the guy you want, move on even though it's really tough. I started walking while listening to headphones and it helped me get it off my mind. Get a busy to work out with. Hugs and prayers
  • billbraskey
    billbraskey Posts: 99 Member
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    First of all dump him. If he has to think about it then hes a jerk. Also whenever something terrible happens u just have to go straight through it. Be sad and stay busy but not so busy u burn out. Process what happened and move on. Hes already made vows to u and not her so the decision should be automatic. You are far too beautiful to be sad about him
  • amyvanblaricom
    amyvanblaricom Posts: 62 Member
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    I gave him a week to decide. I told him I want an answer by the end of the day. So far he told me he chooses both. So I guess I have to make the choice. I have to listen to my heart or stay in constant heart ache. Its not fair I have to deal with this but all comment have helped me know I am making the right choice no matter how conflicting my feelings are.
  • Tblackdogs
    Tblackdogs Posts: 324 Member
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    If he chooses both that means he is childish, selfish and not very kind. I wouldn't make a big scene, I'd just tell him that you can't be part of that kind of relationship and you wish him well. Walk out with your head held high and do the best you can to be happy and healthy. You have a long life ahead of you and the world is full of awesome guys who might actually put you first! Good luck!
  • LCbaby0x
    LCbaby0x Posts: 290 Member
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    He sounds like a fool. Dump him!
  • upoffthemat
    upoffthemat Posts: 679 Member
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    If he chose both he didn't choose you. What is the next thing you want to give in on?
    I know that sounds harsh, but he wants to have it all and he wants you to make the sacrifices. I know marriage isn't a 50-50 thing, but there comes a point where it is fair to ask the other person to step up or get out.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    edited February 2016
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    amyvanblaricom wrote: »
    I gave him a week to decide. I told him I want an answer by the end of the day. So far he told me he chooses both. So I guess I have to make the choice. I have to listen to my heart or stay in constant heart ache. Its not fair I have to deal with this but all comment have helped me know I am making the right choice no matter how conflicting my feelings are.

    It's going to hurt like crazy now, but there will come a time when you'll look back and wonder why you didn't leave sooner. Good luck to you.
  • mrschikin
    mrschikin Posts: 45 Member
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    makingmark wrote: »
    If he chose both he didn't choose you. What is the next thing you want to give in on?
    I know that sounds harsh, but he wants to have it all and he wants you to make the sacrifices. I know marriage isn't a 50-50 thing, but there comes a point where it is fair to ask the other person to step up or get out.

    Exactly. He's already told you in both words and actions that he is not willing to do what it takes to make your marriage work. Instead of going to counselling and working through his issues, he has chosen to use the coping mechanism of an emotional affair with another woman.

    HE is at fault in this situation, not her. The sooner you stop blaming her for the problems of your marriage and look seriously at your husband's actions and how little he seems to value your emotional wellbeing, the better for you.
  • amyvanblaricom
    amyvanblaricom Posts: 62 Member
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    makingmark wrote: »
    If he chose both he didn't choose you. What is the next thing you want to give in on?
    I know that sounds harsh, but he wants to have it all and he wants you to make the sacrifices. I know marriage isn't a 50-50 thing, but there comes a point where it is fair to ask the other person to step up or get out.

    I know and What I was saying is since he didnt choose I did. I'm walking away.
  • abijones75
    abijones75 Posts: 116 Member
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    He sounds like a selfish, greedy, uncaring *kitten*...and you sound absolutely lovely. This man is not for you, he's not going to make you happy he's just going to make you insecure and miserable. You're a beautiful girl and somewhere out there there's a beautiful man with a kind heart who will love you and only you, don't let this loser play with your heart and ruin your chance of future happiness. And please don't let him make you ill either x
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
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    Sorry to sound so harsh, but the woman is not tearing your life apart, that responsibility rests with your husband who made promises to you to be faithful and is not keeping them. Now is that woman was a friend, I would say that she owes you something, but maybe she does not even know that your husband is married. He is probably playing both of you.

    You need to focus on yourself and your children. Either he is going to be in the marriage 100% or out the door, there should not be half way about it. And it is going to take a lot of trust to return to where you two were, something both of you need to work on. Stop blaming the other woman and blame the person right in front of you - your husband.
  • Lisasgurl
    Lisasgurl Posts: 2 Member
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    I'm sorry to hear this and mostly sorry for the betrayal but the fact is that is he even cared he would not do that to you. The fact that you do and still wants to be with him is beyond my comprehension even if he is or was the love of your life you owe yourself more then to be treated that way specially if he is or was the love of your life( witch seems one sided) poly relationships aren't or everyone and even so I agreed on maybe you accepting that bit with another person. Your anger should not be directed towards her but towards him who ultimately owed you the decency and respect to have bring this poly option b4 getting involved in any way with someone else... I would suggest going to the gym elliptical are awesome as well as some swimming. Maybe hot yoga is great to cleanse the body and meditate.. If a work out partner is needed I would be available depending on location of course ... Best of luck
  • amyvanblaricom
    amyvanblaricom Posts: 62 Member
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    socajam wrote: »
    Sorry to sound so harsh, but the woman is not tearing your life apart, that responsibility rests with your husband who made promises to you to be faithful and is not keeping them. Now is that woman was a friend, I would say that she owes you something, but maybe she does not even know that your husband is married. He is probably playing both of you.

    You need to focus on yourself and your children. Either he is going to be in the marriage 100% or out the door, there should not be half way about it. And it is going to take a lot of trust to return to where you two were, something both of you need to work on. Stop blaming the other woman and blame the person right in front of you - your husband.

    She knows full well he was married and is polygamous herself. She simply doesn't care. I am not putting the blame on her but she is the one who pushed the door back open and so some of the responsibility is on her. But I'm not blaming her. It is My husbands fault and I know it.
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
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    Not at all, the full responsibility rests with our husband, he is committed to you and should be man enough to say no, cut the phone or whatever off and lose that person. Obviously he is does not have the will power to say no. I hate when men/woman blame the other person. Stop giving your husband a break, and see him for what he is.
  • allabouthegains
    allabouthegains Posts: 46 Member
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    Not to be blunt but this dude is straight trash a Nd doesn't deserve you it a second of your time. @amyvanblaricom
  • Tonga4116
    Tonga4116 Posts: 5 Member
    edited February 2016
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    Ok my husband, his X wife, and his best friend were in a polygamous relationship.... He said it was the biggest mistake of his life.....they have 5 kids together. She is now with his best friend of 30 years,she has a new baby by him, , she isn't a nice person, and although I know he loves me dearly I still see the hurt in his eyes sometimes..... No matter how you look at I believe someone will get hurt. My opinion because I'm dealing with the aftermath of that type of relationship is DONT DO IT!!!! If he truly is the love of your life then he will choose you, you may not like the answer when he chooses but you deserve what YOUR heart wants. Good luck... If you need to talk , I have some experience with this and none of it it good!!! :-(

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