Weight loss while marriage is falling apart.

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  • Unknown
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  • mrschikin
    mrschikin Posts: 45 Member
    makingmark wrote: »
    If he chose both he didn't choose you. What is the next thing you want to give in on?
    I know that sounds harsh, but he wants to have it all and he wants you to make the sacrifices. I know marriage isn't a 50-50 thing, but there comes a point where it is fair to ask the other person to step up or get out.

    Exactly. He's already told you in both words and actions that he is not willing to do what it takes to make your marriage work. Instead of going to counselling and working through his issues, he has chosen to use the coping mechanism of an emotional affair with another woman.

    HE is at fault in this situation, not her. The sooner you stop blaming her for the problems of your marriage and look seriously at your husband's actions and how little he seems to value your emotional wellbeing, the better for you.
  • amyvanblaricom
    amyvanblaricom Posts: 62 Member
    makingmark wrote: »
    If he chose both he didn't choose you. What is the next thing you want to give in on?
    I know that sounds harsh, but he wants to have it all and he wants you to make the sacrifices. I know marriage isn't a 50-50 thing, but there comes a point where it is fair to ask the other person to step up or get out.

    I know and What I was saying is since he didnt choose I did. I'm walking away.
  • abijones75
    abijones75 Posts: 116 Member
    He sounds like a selfish, greedy, uncaring *kitten*...and you sound absolutely lovely. This man is not for you, he's not going to make you happy he's just going to make you insecure and miserable. You're a beautiful girl and somewhere out there there's a beautiful man with a kind heart who will love you and only you, don't let this loser play with your heart and ruin your chance of future happiness. And please don't let him make you ill either x
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
    Sorry to sound so harsh, but the woman is not tearing your life apart, that responsibility rests with your husband who made promises to you to be faithful and is not keeping them. Now is that woman was a friend, I would say that she owes you something, but maybe she does not even know that your husband is married. He is probably playing both of you.

    You need to focus on yourself and your children. Either he is going to be in the marriage 100% or out the door, there should not be half way about it. And it is going to take a lot of trust to return to where you two were, something both of you need to work on. Stop blaming the other woman and blame the person right in front of you - your husband.
  • Lisasgurl
    Lisasgurl Posts: 2 Member
    I'm sorry to hear this and mostly sorry for the betrayal but the fact is that is he even cared he would not do that to you. The fact that you do and still wants to be with him is beyond my comprehension even if he is or was the love of your life you owe yourself more then to be treated that way specially if he is or was the love of your life( witch seems one sided) poly relationships aren't or everyone and even so I agreed on maybe you accepting that bit with another person. Your anger should not be directed towards her but towards him who ultimately owed you the decency and respect to have bring this poly option b4 getting involved in any way with someone else... I would suggest going to the gym elliptical are awesome as well as some swimming. Maybe hot yoga is great to cleanse the body and meditate.. If a work out partner is needed I would be available depending on location of course ... Best of luck
  • amyvanblaricom
    amyvanblaricom Posts: 62 Member
    socajam wrote: »
    Sorry to sound so harsh, but the woman is not tearing your life apart, that responsibility rests with your husband who made promises to you to be faithful and is not keeping them. Now is that woman was a friend, I would say that she owes you something, but maybe she does not even know that your husband is married. He is probably playing both of you.

    You need to focus on yourself and your children. Either he is going to be in the marriage 100% or out the door, there should not be half way about it. And it is going to take a lot of trust to return to where you two were, something both of you need to work on. Stop blaming the other woman and blame the person right in front of you - your husband.

    She knows full well he was married and is polygamous herself. She simply doesn't care. I am not putting the blame on her but she is the one who pushed the door back open and so some of the responsibility is on her. But I'm not blaming her. It is My husbands fault and I know it.
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
    Not at all, the full responsibility rests with our husband, he is committed to you and should be man enough to say no, cut the phone or whatever off and lose that person. Obviously he is does not have the will power to say no. I hate when men/woman blame the other person. Stop giving your husband a break, and see him for what he is.
  • allabouthegains
    allabouthegains Posts: 46 Member
    Not to be blunt but this dude is straight trash a Nd doesn't deserve you it a second of your time. @amyvanblaricom
  • Tonga4116
    Tonga4116 Posts: 5 Member
    edited February 2016
    Ok my husband, his X wife, and his best friend were in a polygamous relationship.... He said it was the biggest mistake of his life.....they have 5 kids together. She is now with his best friend of 30 years,she has a new baby by him, , she isn't a nice person, and although I know he loves me dearly I still see the hurt in his eyes sometimes..... No matter how you look at I believe someone will get hurt. My opinion because I'm dealing with the aftermath of that type of relationship is DONT DO IT!!!! If he truly is the love of your life then he will choose you, you may not like the answer when he chooses but you deserve what YOUR heart wants. Good luck... If you need to talk , I have some experience with this and none of it it good!!! :-(
  • Hotshot_Barretta
    Hotshot_Barretta Posts: 67 Member
    I'm sorry you are going through this. It's great he is being honest but don't let him think he has a choice. It seems like you love him trust me I know. I just gt out of an 8 year marriage. I thought he was the love of my life until I realized I doing better without him and the stress he caused me. And wouldn't it know it I'm smiling and healthy. 60 pounds lighter the healthy way. You have the power, not him. He's made his intentions clear, you are your feelings aren't his actual priority. Don't make him yours any longer. Time for you! !!
  • PTSDUK
    PTSDUK Posts: 276 Member
    When l started working out a few years back, my wife stated l was having a mid life crisis. She even accused me of having an affair with somebody at the gym, despite my denial, she grew suspicious. I was working out for me and not become a slob, there was no other person involved, but the trust was damaged. I now find myself separated.
  • chunky_pinup
    chunky_pinup Posts: 758 Member
    If he needs time to "choose", then he's already chosen, and trying to find a way to say it. Drop him, turn that love you have for him into love for yourself, and realize that you deserve so much better.
  • kchuskey
    kchuskey Posts: 882 Member
    "Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half"
  • mrschikin
    mrschikin Posts: 45 Member
    I should mention something I didn't mention above: This is a wakeup call for you as well. You need to seek out a therapist or other mental health professional who can help you understand why you are attracted to this man in the first place, and help you build a healthy relationship with yourself. That's the most important thing that can come out of this situation.
  • markus5767
    markus5767 Posts: 10 Member
    Be happy !! Move on ! There is somebody out there that will love you !!

  • fishtaco19
    fishtaco19 Posts: 14 Member
    hgallagher7 wrote: »
    I'd suggest leaning on friends, and getting a punch bag.

    I am all for this too!

    In all seriousness though, even though it has been just an 'emotional affair', he has clearly indicated he wants to take it the next level by being in a polygamous relationship. If you are good with that (no judgment, some folks roll that way), then stay, if not, RUN FAST!

    What would happen if you called his bluff and said, ya me too, I would like to invite (insert his best friends name here, or his brother, etc) into our marriage?

    I don't think he is the love of your life, maybe at one point yes, but not anymore. You have the rest of your life ahead of you for another one(s).

    Good luck, stay strong!
  • 2snakeswoman
    2snakeswoman Posts: 655 Member
    Only you can decide what is or is not a deal breaker in your own marriage. My husband and I started out having an open marriage, so each of us has had serious relationships with other people. It's hard; that's for sure. I remember one particular woman who wanted my husband's attention all for herself. She was prettier and younger than I am, and I was sure my husband would leave me for her. However, he eventually broke it off with her, telling me "why would I want to be with somebody selfish enough to try to take me from my wife and son when I'm with someone generous enough to share?" We eventually got tired of putting each other on the emotional roller-coaster and have been monogamous only for a couple of decades now.

    So really - take it easy, breathe. You don't have to decide what to do today, but I believe deep down inside - you already know.

  • fishtaco19
    fishtaco19 Posts: 14 Member
    salembambi wrote: »
    i suggest banging all his hot friends

    and working out more

    oops, this was the post I agreed with above :blush:
  • dbanks80
    dbanks80 Posts: 3,685 Member
    If he chooses you it will be a matter of time he will find someone else. He can kick rocks and kiss my *** if that was me.

    You are a beautiful girl and deserve better than some self serving jack A.
  • Meganthedogmom
    Meganthedogmom Posts: 1,639 Member
    @amyvanblaricom my heart breaks for you. I got emotional just reading your post as I have been in similar situations time and time again. Once the trust is broken, it is VERY difficult to get back and takes a long, long time. And even then only possible if he truly wants you and chooses only you, which unfortunately it sounds like he has doubts.
    You deserve better than constant heartache. Don't let yourself think anything different.

    And to answer your question, try to exercise to take your mind off and have your "me" time. It may help.
  • TeraGC
    TeraGC Posts: 40 Member
    amyvanblaricom wrote: »
    but I kept bugging because how can we be fine but he have another woman on the side.
    You can't and you won't be until you decide you are worth more than being 2nd place
  • amyvanblaricom
    amyvanblaricom Posts: 62 Member
    2snakeswoman wrote: »
    Only you can decide what is or is not a deal breaker in your own marriage. My husband and I started out having an open marriage, so each of us has had serious relationships with other people. It's hard; that's for sure. I remember one particular woman who wanted my husband's attention all for herself. She was prettier and younger than I am, and I was sure my husband would leave me for her. However, he eventually broke it off with her, telling me "why would I want to be with somebody selfish enough to try to take me from my wife and son when I'm with someone generous enough to share?" We eventually got tired of putting each other on the emotional roller-coaster and have been monogamous only for a couple of decades now.

    So really - take it easy, breathe. You don't have to decide what to do today, but I believe deep down inside - you already know.

    Thank you. You have no idea how much I have thought of your words. They have helped a lot. I wish I could find a way to be open to this but you are right. I already know deep down what is right for me.
  • renousmal
    renousmal Posts: 1 Member
    I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, youre far too gorgeous and you seem too sweet to have to handle this kindof situation. It was impressive on my mind for me to hear what you said about him being the love of your life, and despite what hes done, if he would just turn back and sincerely appologize youd forgive him and accept him back. That means sooo much now adays, youre a good person.

    I know im kindof late to this, but I went through a similar situation, I had typed it all out but I figured no one would really care. Anyways the one thing I had to realise is that if love is a competition, its not worth competing. Everyone is right, its going to suck for a while, but youll find someone better who wouldn't ever try to replace you, someone who realises that they need no one else but you. The girl who did this to me now calls, texts or knocks on my door regularly. Always saying that other guys dont treat her like I did and she wants to be back with me, but I never respond. Maybe im not strong enough to be a good person and take her back after everything thats happened, but it doesnt matter now because I know I can find someone else that wont take me for granted and thinks the same way I do. No doubt youll find that oneday too. Anyways, I know everything will work out in your favor at the end. Dont let him take your happiness :)
  • Bluwaves1
    Bluwaves1 Posts: 191 Member
    I am sorry to read about your situation! I went through something like this in my family. My brother who is 46 married a younger women and immediately had 2 twin boys and 11 months later a girl. So they are young 6 and 7. He actually did the same thing and cheated on her. With 3 kids it is tough. Everyone was pissed at him. That was a year ago. On the good side he is a great father to his kids and keeps them with him probably 70% of the time. He does take them on weekend trips and even boards a horse so they can ride it. I thought it would be a disaster but both him and his ex are dating other people and all appears to be fine. They still keep in touch because of the kids and seem to communicate well.
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
    aylajane wrote: »
    amyvanblaricom wrote: »
    I cant find anything butt bitterness in my heart towards this woman that is tearing my family apart.

    What everyone else said... but also... "this woman" is the not the one tearing your family apart - she is with a man she thinks she is in love with. Probably doesnt give you much thought. The one tearing your family apart is your husband. Wouldnt even be possible if he didnt let it. Put the blame squarely where it belongs. She doesnt have to be your favorite person, but honestly if it was not her it would be someone else. People cheat for lots of reasons, usually because they are seeking something they are missing. If they dont find it in one person, they will keep looking. (other reasons for cheating too - including just horny, but since he carried on with her without physical relationship, probably not why for him). You should not give her another thought - any anger you have or hostile feelings belong right at your husband.

    And I second what someone else said about taking the choice for him. Think about this for a second... If a girlfriend of yours, someone you have been friends with a long time and feel like you are lifelong friends, came to you one day and said "I have too many friends and need to cut some out. I am not sure if I want to keep being friends with you, but I will be making my decision this weekend and will let you know" -- would you honestly sit on pins and needles hoping you "win"? Seriously? I dont want to be with someone - especially a husband -- who has to make a conscious decision on whether they want me in their life or not. I want to be with someone who cannot imagine their life without me - there should be no decision to make. If it were me, I would make the decision easy for him - by taking away the choice. Choice is power. You are letting him have all the power of this "decision". Yes it will hurt, but the best way to hurt someone back (my little revenge) is to make them think it doesnt hurt you. Maybe childish, but makes me feel better . Nothing worse than leaving him wondering if you ever cared anyway. That will hurt him a bit. Then you go mourn and cry and hash it out in private (or with better friends).

    Anyway, I feel bad for you, and hope it turns out like you want. But choice is power, and you have just as much as he does - make YOUR choice, dont wait for him to make his.

    This .
  • jefishin61
    jefishin61 Posts: 16 Member
    amyvanblaricom wrote: »
    I started this journey for me an my family. I needed to be healthier and feel better about the way I looked. Not far into it I found out my husband had been in an emotional affair with another woman. He stopped all contact with her and things continued to be rocky. Finally things started getting better and he started talking to her non stop again. I asked him where we stood and he said we were fine but I kept bugging because how can we be fine but he have another woman on the side. He finally started talking and telling me he wanted a Polygamous relationship. He wants me but wants to keep her. I told him it has to be one or the other. Even for a poly relationship lines have been crossed it need be truthful and be able to have trust. Everything in me is against it but he is the love of my life. It hurts knowing I have a chance to keep him but my heart would constantly be broken. He even admitted he isn't sure which he will choose. The stress has caused me to be sick and drop weight even quicker than before. In the 3 days he's told me about this I have lost 5 pounds. I am so emotional and having a hard time. I cant find anything butt bitterness in my heart towards this woman that is tearing my family apart. I want him more than anything.. The only thing I've had positive lately to focus on is weight loss and its been very successful but its not enough to focus on anymore. How do you all handle stress and find a healthy way to handle heart break?

    That sucks. Although my parents are still living together he cheated on her constantly. Being gone from 2days to 2 weeks at a time. My mom loved him. Idk why. He was/is a drug addict alcoholic. She tried everything. Making deals with him, if he only did it when she was there. More then i care to know. It never mattered to him. She did cheat on him almost 9 yrs into it. I don't have a good answer for you. I know they hurt me in a way that was difficult to live with. Self esteem, self worth, relationships, drugs, I have learned to live with it. I now have a great wife. And except her love the best I can. P.s. Mom did pray for his sex drive to go away and it work. Lol. For sometime too. Poor guy. So pray. Maybe not for that. But from the heart. Hope the best for you
  • scootergirlinpink
    scootergirlinpink Posts: 34 Member
    I don't need to say anything all the advice is spot on . I've been married for 29 years this year and I'm not happy not been for a while , I'm in a controlling relationship put up with mental abuse for years . But slowly but surely I'm getting stronger mentally to decide were I go from here .
    Stay strong I'm sure you will make the right decision for you (((((()))))) x
  • amyvanblaricom
    amyvanblaricom Posts: 62 Member
    jefishin61 wrote: »
    amyvanblaricom wrote: »
    I started this journey for me an my family. I needed to be healthier and feel better about the way I looked. Not far into it I found out my husband had been in an emotional affair with another woman. He stopped all contact with her and things continued to be rocky. Finally things started getting better and he started talking to her non stop again. I asked him where we stood and he said we were fine but I kept bugging because how can we be fine but he have another woman on the side. He finally started talking and telling me he wanted a Polygamous relationship. He wants me but wants to keep her. I told him it has to be one or the other. Even for a poly relationship lines have been crossed it need be truthful and be able to have trust. Everything in me is against it but he is the love of my life. It hurts knowing I have a chance to keep him but my heart would constantly be broken. He even admitted he isn't sure which he will choose. The stress has caused me to be sick and drop weight even quicker than before. In the 3 days he's told me about this I have lost 5 pounds. I am so emotional and having a hard time. I cant find anything butt bitterness in my heart towards this woman that is tearing my family apart. I want him more than anything.. The only thing I've had positive lately to focus on is weight loss and its been very successful but its not enough to focus on anymore. How do you all handle stress and find a healthy way to handle heart break?

    That sucks. Although my parents are still living together he cheated on her constantly. Being gone from 2days to 2 weeks at a time. My mom loved him. Idk why. He was/is a drug addict alcoholic. She tried everything. Making deals with him, if he only did it when she was there. More then i care to know. It never mattered to him. She did cheat on him almost 9 yrs into it. I don't have a good answer for you. I know they hurt me in a way that was difficult to live with. Self esteem, self worth, relationships, drugs, I have learned to live with it. I now have a great wife. And except her love the best I can. P.s. Mom did pray for his sex drive to go away and it work. Lol. For sometime too. Poor guy. So pray. Maybe not for that. But from the heart. Hope the best for you

    Thank you. I have constantly been praying for everything. Mostly for healing.
  • gillianomeley
    gillianomeley Posts: 16 Member
    Oh my sweet.. Your husband and mine must be from the same f..ing Mould.. This happened to me just before Christmas as I had to leave him for three months as my mum nearly died on us..
    I gave him a time frame and he had to delete all messages and contact.. I had to except it happened and trust him that he is choosing his family we made.. Let me tell you it has been bloody hard as there are trust issues there now..
    But I believe time and exercise has saved me
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