looked at my husband and he looks so ooooo fat!
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I don't think this would have been an issue had she not used the 'f' word in the original post. Take that word out and reread it. Have a good weekend everyone
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i didn't read the other posts... but...
if your husband is getting fat and ugly, tell him. We see ourselves every day and it's really hard some times to see what we objectively look like. I would bring up your lack of attraction due to his weight and perceived laziness.
do it tactfully of course, but how else is he going to know you're unhappy? You going to resent him into physical fitness? I dont think so!0 -
On a happier note, have you ever looked at your SO, and like really saw them, and thought damn they look good. I was in the bank the other day and I'm happy to say, my husband walked in and I thought,'man, he looks good.' It was kinda cool. I can say that on the internet, right?
I do! I get that whole "world stops for a minute" sensation when he walks into the room.
Could he lose weight? Sure. He definitely doesn't have the 6 pack he used to have in our early 20's (we've been together 16 years - straight out of high school). But even though he's not perfect, he's perfect for me.0 -
JustMissTracy wrote: »I wont lecture you about dissing your spouse publicly as others already have. Instead, I'll offer you some advice. Here's what I do if ever I start thinking poorly about my hubby, when I start comparing him or wanting to change him. I think this to myself "What would I do if he died tomorrow. How would I feel? Would I care about his little belly, or the fact he chews his nails?". Works for me, EVERY single time!!! See, I have friends whose spouses have passed. They are completely devastated. They no longer care about the little annoying things that drove them nuts. The sox on the floor, the cigarette smoking, the binge tv watching, those things, and everything else, became totally insignificant.
I like this so much. Hugs to you.0 -
My husband is significantly overweight, but he knows it. He doesn't need me to tell him! He tries to do something about it and falls down. Tries and falls down, tries and falls down, etc. Like we've all done, I'm sure. I feel better being there to pick him up, rather than say, "You are so disgusting to me right now. You'd better do something about it, because, as you know, I look amazing". (He's still attractive, btw, but even if he weren't I would never tell him. I'd phrase my concerns about his weight much differently).
And, to the OP: if your husband is bigger than you, and works outside doing manual labor, THEN HE DOES NEED MORE CALORIES THAN YOU DO! To make him eat what you eat is likely not giving him enough food, so he's hungry. You're basically setting him up for failure.0 -
Hey has anyone here looked at their spouse differently lately? Ok I'm not perfect and we are both getting old, but gosh I have tried hard to look healthy,,,,and he has not ...and so I look ok for 54 but he's 56 and looks fat and unhealthy. I am sorry, I wouldn't say this to him. I'm just venting off here in private
....In have nobody else to tell
. I feel terrible now...
Not me. My dh is younger than me and lost weight before I did. We both gained weight in 16 years together but the only thing he ever said to me was he loved me no matter what my weight was and thought I was sexy. When he was bigger I didn't really notice and I didn't really notice his weight loss until he had gone down 30 lbs. He looked good both ways to me and I love him for so many things other than his appearance. We have been through so much together.
Has your husband seen a doctor regularly? Is your husband actually at an unhealthy weight for him? Is he unhappy with his weight or appearance? I would ask him how he feels then talk to him about his health not his appearance.
If you can't talk to him, go see a therapist to work through your issue instead of posting on the internet in a public forum.Thanks rosemary. Well I fast 3 days a week. That's how I keep my weight down. He eats much the same as I do, maybe a bit more , on my non fast days. The thing is, he eats the same amount every day. He does not eat a high amount one day and compensate with a much smaller amount the next day. He says he needs the larger amount of calories every day because he does a manual job, outside in cold weather!
He is bigger, a man and active. He does need more calories than you every day. You absolutely have different calorie needs.
Fasting several days a week is not the method of weight management for everyone. No way would I fast. I stick to the same calorie deficit every day and that is what works for me.
I think you are having a "I'm feeling so good and awesome. This thing I do works for me. Now everyone else should do the same." kind of mood. Your dh might like himself the way he is or not be ready to make changes yet.
Do you love him?
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On a happier note, have you ever looked at your SO, and like really saw them, and thought damn they look good. I was in the bank the other day and I'm happy to say, my husband walked in and I thought,'man, he looks good.' It was kinda cool. I can say that on the internet, right?
I hope you took the opportunity to tell your husband how good he's looking? Mu husband has also been looking exceptionally sexy lately, which I let him know after I got home from work last night and all the kids were asleep.
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My husband and I have been married for 47 + years. We have been fat and thin together and healthy and not so healthy, together. I may tell him he is getting a gut and he may tell me that my butt really does look fat when I wear that pair of pants; but I would never bad mouth him on social media.
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noobletmcnugget wrote: »
Really? Having the compassion and respect for your spouse to discuss it with them personally instead of on a public forum is rubbish logic?0 -
Good lord. I'd expect a thread like this from someone in their 20's, not 50's. Everyone has the ability to change their physical appearance, but he should want to do it for himself, not to satisfy you or others. He deserves better than you.0
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Maybe he realises how you feel so comfort eats
We all realise we don't look as good as we can when over weight
Maybe he thinks he's not attracted to you anymore so doesn't care if he's overweight
We don't see ourselves or hear ourselves maybe your showing him signs your finding him fat and unattractive maybe you drop hurtful hints
All this none of us know but if you had a healthy marriage you would feel comfortable disgusting anything
On that note if he died tomorrow you'd feel his weight wasn't an issue its true I nearly died last year & your outlook changes
Imagine losing him or if he read what you wrote & he left how does that feel if you imagine that ?
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Maybe he realises how you feel so comfort eats
We all realise we don't look as good as we can when over weight
Maybe he thinks he's not attracted to you anymore so doesn't care if he's overweight
Maybe he's on the internet right now complaining to strangers about how shallow his wife has become. "She's lost weight and now all she cares about is her looks".
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Actually, yes. I've lost almost 50. He's gaining. Was recently diagnosed with diabetes and doesn't take care of himself. He's almost 100 lb more than me now. Idc about weight really, but he's killing himself. That hurts.0
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TheLittleRedHairedGirl wrote: »I am actually offended by this. If you can't have a talk with him about it, then what makes you think it's okay to talk about him behind his back? If you're not happy with the way he looks, then take charge of his nutrition and start making healthier meals.
Sometimes you need to vent. I have talked to mine MANY times. Many.
I am glad I'm not alone here.
My husband is killing himself with food. He's got type 2 diabetes, cholesterol issues, high bp etc.
Refuses to make changes. He's 33, we have 4 kids.... And he's choosing food.
Don't judge someone like me for venting to strangers about this.
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BoomstickChik wrote: »TheLittleRedHairedGirl wrote: »I am actually offended by this. If you can't have a talk with him about it, then what makes you think it's okay to talk about him behind his back? If you're not happy with the way he looks, then take charge of his nutrition and start making healthier meals.
Sometimes you need to vent. I have talked to mine MANY times. Many.
I am glad I'm not alone here.
My husband is killing himself with food. He's got type 2 diabetes, cholesterol issues, high bp etc.
Refuses to make changes. He's 33, we have 4 kids.... And he's choosing food.
Don't judge someone like me for venting to strangers about this.
She's not like you though? Your husband has serious health issues caused by and impacted by weight. From the info she provided, her husband is healthy, active, and unaware that she has a problem with his weight. Also, when talking about your husband, do you tell people 'he looks soooooooo fat'? Your concerns are coming from a place of respect, hers are not.0 -
BoomstickChik wrote: »TheLittleRedHairedGirl wrote: »I am actually offended by this. If you can't have a talk with him about it, then what makes you think it's okay to talk about him behind his back? If you're not happy with the way he looks, then take charge of his nutrition and start making healthier meals.
Sometimes you need to vent. I have talked to mine MANY times. Many.
I am glad I'm not alone here.
My husband is killing himself with food. He's got type 2 diabetes, cholesterol issues, high bp etc.
Refuses to make changes. He's 33, we have 4 kids.... And he's choosing food.
Don't judge someone like me for venting to strangers about this.
She's not like you though? Your husband has serious health issues caused by and impacted by weight. From the info she provided, her husband is healthy, active, and unaware that she has a problem with his weight. Also, when talking about your husband, do you tell people 'he looks soooooooo fat'? Your concerns are coming from a place of respect, hers are not.
^^This.0 -
My hubby has a belly not big but he looks good with it. Men are different than women. They can pack it on and loose it just as easy. He doesn't even have to try unlike women. The bigger picture is as long as he is happy and loves himself. You should talk to him about this and see how he feels and if he's on board with you. Then challenge each other. Don't discourage motivate. He may appriciate it. He may not realize he has a problem. Communication is the key.0
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RosemaryBronte wrote: »could you make scrumptious meals from the Weight Watchers recipe books
Scrumptious is a meaningless word, I hate that.Michaelg235 wrote: »I don't have a spouse or anything but my mom went through the same thing with my dad she actually switched foods out for healthy foods like if there was peanut butter she would put low fat peanut butter in the container without him knowing he did that with all of this food
Full fat peanut butter is not unhealthy.TheLittleRedHairedGirl wrote: »I am actually offended by this. If you can't have a talk with him about it, then what makes you think it's okay to talk about him behind his back? If you're not happy with the way he looks, then take charge of his nutrition and start making healthier meals.
Google 'Stephen Fry' and 'offended'. Saying you're offended doesn't entitle you to anything here.
This is as much internet silliness as I can tolerate on one page of the same thread.The best part is how people are offended for someone else. Let alone an internet stranger.
People love a bit of internet outrage.
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lagoscarrie wrote: »
I'm not sure how old you are saying one needs to be to have an opinion on this. I'm 53 and I've been in a 22-year marriage and am now in a 1-year-old one. A person in his or her 50s has a lot of years of sexual activity ahead and I don't think a lack of attraction is anything to sweep under the rug.Unless one has been in a long term relationship or marriage and is also relatively old, I think these concepts are impossible to grasp.
I am in my 40s so no, I do not mean 90 years old I mean just that some people replying who are e.g. 20, of course they cannot understand what OP is talking about. Because they have not experienced how a relationship progresses long term, and how caring for someone does not replace the need for some spark to be there. It is not enough to love your partner, you still need to feel attraction for a marriage to be happy. A 20 year old or someone with only brief relationships cannot understand this. 0 -
noobletmcnugget wrote: »
Really? Having the compassion and respect for your spouse to discuss it with them personally instead of on a public forum is rubbish logic?
A public forum, same as discussing issues with friends or a therapists serves several purposes: it helps you practice how to phrase the problem, it helps you realise what is bothering you just by trying to express it, it helps get feedback and see how common or weird your feelings are, it helps put things into perspective, it helps get suggestions about how to approach the issue in real life. It is not that weird.0 -
On a happier note, have you ever looked at your SO, and like really saw them, and thought damn they look good. I was in the bank the other day and I'm happy to say, my husband walked in and I thought,'man, he looks good.' It was kinda cool. I can say that on the internet, right?
This is my favourite comment.
My OH has gained 5 stone in under 3 years. He's 6'3 so he carries it off well. But still looks very chubby. Sometimes I look at him and think WOW, you're a really beautiful person.
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My husband and I have been married for 47 + years. We have been fat and thin together and healthy and not so healthy, together. I may tell him he is getting a gut and he may tell me that my butt really does look fat when I wear that pair of pants; but I would never bad mouth him on social media.
That's why you've been married 47+ years. That's quite an accomplishment.0 -
I don't think anyone is disputing the importance of being physically attracted to your spouse. But when you love someone, their other (non-physical) qualities can help you feel physically attracted to them, even when they gain a little weight or lose their hair or get wrinkles.
Maybe the OP wouldn't have gotten the comments that she got if she had also said, "He's my best friend/a wonderful, generous man/a great husband and father. I wish he would take better care of himself". But no. All she said was "He's soooooo fat. And I look good." Is that all that's important to her?
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noobletmcnugget wrote: »
Really? Having the compassion and respect for your spouse to discuss it with them personally instead of on a public forum is rubbish logic?
A public forum, same as discussing issues with friends or a therapists serves several purposes: it helps you practice how to phrase the problem, it helps you realise what is bothering you just by trying to express it, it helps get feedback and see how common or weird your feelings are, it helps put things into perspective, it helps get suggestions about how to approach the issue in real life. It is not that weird.
So does writing it down in a Word document or journal - neither of which are public, then deleting it. Discussing something like this in a public forum is shameful for the OP and potentially embarrassing for her spouse. Further, it is a bright, neon sign pointing to a definite lack of trust within her marriage. She needs to focus on why she feels she cannot discuss the problem with her spouse, work on that, then, in a loving way, explain to her spouse why his weight is a concern for her.0 -
Yeah, this struck me the wrong way, too.booksandchocolate12 wrote: »I don't think anyone is disputing the importance of being physically attracted to your spouse. But when you love someone, their other (non-physical) qualities can help you feel physically attracted to them, even when they gain a little weight or lose their hair or get wrinkles.
Maybe the OP wouldn't have gotten the comments that she got if she had also said, "He's my best friend/a wonderful, generous man/a great husband and father. I wish he would take better care of himself". But no. All she said was "He's soooooo fat. And I look good." Is that all that's important to her?
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