How can I help my son?
kekagel
Posts: 94 Member
I'm at a complete loss. My son is 19, still lives at home, starting college in the Fall. He's 5'9" and was a little over 200 pounds a few years ago. He did cut some of it down was roughly 175-180 last October or so. My husband was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in December and since then my son has been terrified - my words based on his actions - of developing it himself or heart disease. He has gotten down to 130-135 pounds and looks frail.
He does eat dinner but that's usually it. He'll occasionally eat snacks or treats. But then he gets on our elliptical for at least an hour at a time, sometimes I have no idea how long he's been on it because his sleep schedule is backwards and he's up at night. I'm sure he's on it a lot and also says he lifts arm weights. That's also an issue because he barely sleeps typically less than 6 hours per day. He says he has bad dreams and also he constantly feels like he's struggling to breathe. He has purple bags under his eyes and honestly looks strung out. He does have asthma and allergies that he takes medications for. He recently saw the doctor and I thought he would tell him everything, but his Dad went with him and for some reason very little was talked about. The doctor did tell him that he's ont he very low end for his weight catagory and losing additional would be bad. But I'm sure he's lost weight since then.
Because I'm obese and have plenty of my own unhealthy issues - he refuses to listen to anything I say. I've struggled with my weight since middle school, taking Dexetrim thinking I was fat at 125 pounds. I've been everywhere from under 100 to 300 and I know how hard the struggle is, but anything I suggest to him is blown off. I've offered him my Fitbit and to make him a MyFitnessPal account so he can see how many calories he should eat a day. I've tried to explain that his body needs a certain number of calories just to function let alone if he wants to exercise and work out.
What can I do? I'm afraid if he keeps on this path he'll seriously hurt himself.
He does eat dinner but that's usually it. He'll occasionally eat snacks or treats. But then he gets on our elliptical for at least an hour at a time, sometimes I have no idea how long he's been on it because his sleep schedule is backwards and he's up at night. I'm sure he's on it a lot and also says he lifts arm weights. That's also an issue because he barely sleeps typically less than 6 hours per day. He says he has bad dreams and also he constantly feels like he's struggling to breathe. He has purple bags under his eyes and honestly looks strung out. He does have asthma and allergies that he takes medications for. He recently saw the doctor and I thought he would tell him everything, but his Dad went with him and for some reason very little was talked about. The doctor did tell him that he's ont he very low end for his weight catagory and losing additional would be bad. But I'm sure he's lost weight since then.
Because I'm obese and have plenty of my own unhealthy issues - he refuses to listen to anything I say. I've struggled with my weight since middle school, taking Dexetrim thinking I was fat at 125 pounds. I've been everywhere from under 100 to 300 and I know how hard the struggle is, but anything I suggest to him is blown off. I've offered him my Fitbit and to make him a MyFitnessPal account so he can see how many calories he should eat a day. I've tried to explain that his body needs a certain number of calories just to function let alone if he wants to exercise and work out.
What can I do? I'm afraid if he keeps on this path he'll seriously hurt himself.
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Replies
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Honestly, this screams to me that he needs counseling, though how you'll get him to accept it I don't know. Hopefully someone else will have more practicable ideas.0
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He's 19 and technically an adult, hard to force them to do anything, but you and your husband both need to stand together and talk to your son about getting some counselling.0
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One hundred times over, he needs to get to a therapist, yesterday. It sounds like he has a variety of issues going on - I'm not a doctor, but I've experienced those symptoms both in myself and in witnessing loved ones go through the same thing: anxiety, depression, OCD, ED, etc.
If he has any friends who could influence him to make that step to see a counselor, that might be more motivating than hearing it from his parents, but you know him better than we do.0 -
I suffer from OCD and anxiety myself. He saw a therapist a few times when he was younger, but it has been a long time. His father and I can sit down and hopefully convince him to get into counseling again. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him with eating?0
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You obviously have a number of issues that warrants seeking professional help. I have an eating disorders therapist in my family. She would recommend that You seek counseling for yourself and your son needs it as well I hope you follow through with it for your sake and for his.0
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I would recommend calling the National Eating Disorders Association's helpline (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/parent-family-friends-network) and talking to them. Perhaps they can send someone out to talk to your son or provide you with some ideas. Someone (other than his parents) needs to at least explain to him that being under-weight can be JUST AS unhealthy as being overweight.1
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I suffer from OCD and anxiety myself. He saw a therapist a few times when he was younger, but it has been a long time. His father and I can sit down and hopefully convince him to get into counseling again. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him with eating?
Really hope the counseling helps! In the meantime, can you reinforce to him the importance of fueling his body to support his exercise habits? Try calculating the amount of protein he should be having and ask him what foods he would like to have available to reach that goal.
Instead of negatively denouncing his current habits (which I'm not saying you're doing) I'd try to encourage healthy eating and emphasize that he should be trying to gain some muscle. I'm hoping that would appeal to him.0 -
Also if possible lead by example, put into play what you hope for your son. Eating habits, therapy (you mentioned OCD and anxiety) even at 19 he is influenced by what he sees. If he sees the household is dedicated to living 'better'. Maybe he'll want to too.
Also agree with encourage his current behaviour but make it more about muscle gains etc, not about being frail and weak.1 -
You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off0
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I suffer from OCD and anxiety myself. He saw a therapist a few times when he was younger, but it has been a long time. His father and I can sit down and hopefully convince him to get into counseling again. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him with eating?
His body image and thinking about eating is disordered. Unfortunately, it's not likely you can help him with that. He needs professional help.0 -
LittlePikinini wrote: »You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off
As a person who once suffered from a severe eating disorder, neither of these would phase me. In fact, switching off the WiFi would just give me more time to work out.
OP, he needs counseling, but he also may need medical help as well. I would take him back to his physician and lay everything out on the table. It may take a short inpatient stay to help him break the cycle. This screams to me of ED-NOS.1 -
LittlePikinini wrote: »You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off
Setting punishments for an eating disorder? No.0 -
It has to come from him.1
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LittlePikinini wrote: »You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off
Really? Why? Is he "misbehaving"? Interesting that you believe that people should be punished for having an illness.
OP, I have no experience with this, but I do know that your son's behavior is not the same as staying out past curfew or refusing to clean his room, so treating it as such by withholding money or privileges would be of little use.
I echo this advice:I would recommend calling the National Eating Disorders Association's helpline (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/parent-family-friends-network) and talking to them. Perhaps they can send someone out to talk to your son or provide you with some ideas. Someone (other than his parents) needs to at least explain to him that being under-weight can be JUST AS unhealthy as being overweight.
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Join a gym with him. Do a few personal training consultations. He'll probably be resistant to therapy since he doesn't listen to you, but a pt might be able to help him find a new health goal and change his focus. Just do some research to find a good one before you go. Maybe talk to a few first about what your son is going through.0
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He is nineteen, not five....You should not give advise.....LittlePikinini wrote: »You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off
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When I was 19, if one of my parents had come to the doctor with me whilst the other one was offering me their fitbit and to set up an MFP account for me, I probably would have done my utmost to control those things in my life that my parents had no say in - like food, exercise and sleep - until they backed off and treated me like an adult (which includes making mistakes and learning consequences).0
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Also, I know you want to help by offering him your fitbit and to set up an MFP account, but if he has an eating disorder there is a very real chance that he sees that as you encouraging him to lose weight. I'm sure he knows he isn't eating enough calories, and your encouraging him to be fixated on the numbers isn't going to be good for him. You and your husband have clearly struggled with your weights; do you talk about that a lot in the house, and with your son? That's probably not helping. You should try to not talk about food during meal times. Also encourage him to get on a more normal sleep schedule if you can.
Beyond that, ditto what everyone else has said about counseling. He needs professional help.0 -
Leave him alone about the food.
Get him to a psychiatrist for an appropriate diagnosis and possible medication.0 -
CurlyCockney wrote: »When I was 19, if one of my parents had come to the doctor with me whilst the other one was offering me their fitbit and to set up an MFP account for me, I probably would have done my utmost to control those things in my life that my parents had no say in - like food, exercise and sleep - until they backed off and treated me like an adult (which includes making mistakes and learning consequences).
I want to clarify that his father went to his doctor's appointment with him because my son wanted him to. My son also attends his father's appointments, it's something they do together. The reason I offered to let him use my Fitbit and an MFP was to help him determine how many calories he is actually consuming. I thought it would be beneficial to see it in plain sight. I even offered to do it for and with him. These offers were made only after he started displaying some issues. Otherwise, he was making his own decisions and mistakes. I know I'm limited on what I can do for him or try to get him to do on his own, but I have to try.
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Charlot4444 wrote: »Also if possible lead by example, put into play what you hope for your son. Eating habits, therapy (you mentioned OCD and anxiety) even at 19 he is influenced by what he sees. If he sees the household is dedicated to living 'better'. Maybe he'll want to too.
Also agree with encourage his current behaviour but make it more about muscle gains etc, not about being frail and weak.
I think that's a very good approach. We all need to get healthy, we each have our own struggles. As a family if we can approach living better, I think we'll have a good chance.0 -
Also, the therapist he saw when he was younger were for other issues entirely.0
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Also, the therapist he saw when he was younger were for other issues entirely.
Even so, it all ties together. Whatever problems he was having then have probably, in some way, affected his self-perception now.
So many people here have more experience with this kind of thing than I do, and have offered such wonderful advice. All I can say is try to get therapy not only for him, but for yourself. Watching an adult child slip away can be a very hard thing to do, whether it's to an eating disorder, drugs, or an unhealthy relationship.
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Depending on how deep mentally into the disorder he is he might be in denial about the damage he's doing to himself. He might look frail but in his eyes he probably still sees himself as fat. So try not to comment on looks but instead say "oh I hear if you exercise too close to bedtime it keeps you awake, maybe that's why you have trouble sleeping." Or ask him what fruits and vegetables he likes best and keep them stocked in the fridge.
I struggle a lot with eating and I've engaged in pretty much every ED tendency at one point or another. I would suggest you do your research and look up anorexia and eating disorders and how they effect men. You could print out some info on nutrition/ effects of calorie restriction etc. and then leave it on the table for him to see and see what he does. You don't want him to feel backed into a corner but you want him to know that you're aware of the issue. The idea to call a clinic or help line for advice is a good idea.
It's a twisted disease but I promise there's hope and a way for him to get better. Stay strong!0 -
When I went to college and dealt with a lot of issues the one thing that really helped me was counseling from the school. It feels less formal than an actual therapist but they still have all the skills to really help. Also, i always thought one of the reasons it worked for me was because it was a chance to get a new perspective from a different counselor without my family being around the office. That really forced me to face my issues rather than make excuses for them. I'd look up if the school he's starting or any other local college has a similar facility. Good luck and best wishes for him.0
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I hope he'll understand he'd get the most out of his workouts and exercise if he ate adequately. It could be so easy for him to maintain a healthy, perhaps lean physique, as he just needs to eat as much as a 19-year-old young man needs + exercise calories. But, of course any deeper issues with him need to be dealt with first, before any diet advice. I wish your family the best!0
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Maybe a subscription to a fitness magazine? The info in them is usually rubbish but at least he may be inspired to change his body by looking at the pictures? Something that simple may be enough to get the ball rolling.0
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Hey kekagel, I'm a big fan of counselling and therapy. But I know that if others don't, they can be very resistant. Even when you're on board, it's hard to find a therapist that is a good fit, so it can take a few that really turn you off before you find one that works. You probably already know, but it might be worth mentioning to him, that while it's worthwhile, it can be a long process and it requires effort!
I'm in a watered down, but similar situation with a family member. I'm trying hard to lead by example and gently share information and tools, as you are, but honestly, I haven't got it all together. I'm ok that I'm not perfect, but I know that from her point of view, she won't believe a thing I suggest until I'm perfect. And if I ever do become "perfect" she'll see me as someone who has a life so completely different, my ideas couldn't possibly work in her life. It's a no-win unless she gets out of that mindset. Keep going for your own goals. No need to put that extra pressure on yourself, I believe that wouldn't solve the issue in any case.
I was going to say try this and that, but a reread the post and he seems very lightweight for his height (I don't actually know 'cos I'm super short, but it just seems like he's much taller than me without being much heavier). One thing you could try is for the next doctor's visit, if he prefers to go with dad anyway, yes go together, and then plan ahead of time that half of the visit will be alone too. When I was 19... probably 90% of my health concerns I would have never mentioned in front of anyone, let alone my parents. I'm SUPER private even though I act like I'm not. It's comforting that doctors have that confidentiality thing, especially to a young person who might feel like there's something they need to be very sure of.
Maybe your own counselling resources can offer some suggestions too?
Best of luck. I know you're worried and trying hard, but go easy on yourself too, it's a tough situation.0 -
His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.0
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He is not underweight right now, a BMI of 19 is perfectly healthy, especially for his age. He was obese at 200 lbs, yet you are now concerned about his weight? You say you are obese and his father is a type 2 diabetic. The truth is that neither of you is at this point qualified to offer nutrition advice to him and you cannot yet lead by example, so it is nto about his attitude, he is making a very rational observation. I understand your concerns, not saying this is over nothing, but your approach does not make sense. If I was a healthy weight and my obese mother wanted to help me count calories, it would make me worry about her mental health, not convince me I am doing something wrong.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but start with therapy for yourself. You say you have a lot of personal issues. Your child can see this. Unless you deal with your issues, he cannot trust you to offer advice to him. I know that sometimes we can see what is best for our child even if we cannot do the best for ourselves, but, still, from his point of view, your advice is not something he can trust. Let him see you address your issues. This will be the leading by example that can make a difference to him.1
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