How can I help my son?

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kekagel
kekagel Posts: 94 Member
edited March 2016 in Health and Weight Loss
I'm at a complete loss. My son is 19, still lives at home, starting college in the Fall. He's 5'9" and was a little over 200 pounds a few years ago. He did cut some of it down was roughly 175-180 last October or so. My husband was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in December and since then my son has been terrified - my words based on his actions - of developing it himself or heart disease. He has gotten down to 130-135 pounds and looks frail.

He does eat dinner but that's usually it. He'll occasionally eat snacks or treats. But then he gets on our elliptical for at least an hour at a time, sometimes I have no idea how long he's been on it because his sleep schedule is backwards and he's up at night. I'm sure he's on it a lot and also says he lifts arm weights. That's also an issue because he barely sleeps typically less than 6 hours per day. He says he has bad dreams and also he constantly feels like he's struggling to breathe. He has purple bags under his eyes and honestly looks strung out. He does have asthma and allergies that he takes medications for. He recently saw the doctor and I thought he would tell him everything, but his Dad went with him and for some reason very little was talked about. The doctor did tell him that he's ont he very low end for his weight catagory and losing additional would be bad. But I'm sure he's lost weight since then.

Because I'm obese and have plenty of my own unhealthy issues - he refuses to listen to anything I say. I've struggled with my weight since middle school, taking Dexetrim thinking I was fat at 125 pounds. I've been everywhere from under 100 to 300 and I know how hard the struggle is, but anything I suggest to him is blown off. I've offered him my Fitbit and to make him a MyFitnessPal account so he can see how many calories he should eat a day. I've tried to explain that his body needs a certain number of calories just to function let alone if he wants to exercise and work out.
What can I do? I'm afraid if he keeps on this path he'll seriously hurt himself.
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Replies

  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
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    Honestly, this screams to me that he needs counseling, though how you'll get him to accept it I don't know. Hopefully someone else will have more practicable ideas.
  • Marilyn0924
    Marilyn0924 Posts: 797 Member
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    He's 19 and technically an adult, hard to force them to do anything, but you and your husband both need to stand together and talk to your son about getting some counselling.
  • LuckyNumbers
    LuckyNumbers Posts: 208 Member
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    One hundred times over, he needs to get to a therapist, yesterday. It sounds like he has a variety of issues going on - I'm not a doctor, but I've experienced those symptoms both in myself and in witnessing loved ones go through the same thing: anxiety, depression, OCD, ED, etc.

    If he has any friends who could influence him to make that step to see a counselor, that might be more motivating than hearing it from his parents, but you know him better than we do.
  • kekagel
    kekagel Posts: 94 Member
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    I suffer from OCD and anxiety myself. He saw a therapist a few times when he was younger, but it has been a long time. His father and I can sit down and hopefully convince him to get into counseling again. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him with eating?
  • bellabonbons
    bellabonbons Posts: 705 Member
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    You obviously have a number of issues that warrants seeking professional help. I have an eating disorders therapist in my family. She would recommend that You seek counseling for yourself and your son needs it as well I hope you follow through with it for your sake and for his.
  • sonjavon
    sonjavon Posts: 1,019 Member
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    I would recommend calling the National Eating Disorders Association's helpline (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/parent-family-friends-network) and talking to them. Perhaps they can send someone out to talk to your son or provide you with some ideas. Someone (other than his parents) needs to at least explain to him that being under-weight can be JUST AS unhealthy as being overweight.
  • BZAH10
    BZAH10 Posts: 5,710 Member
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    kekagel wrote: »
    I suffer from OCD and anxiety myself. He saw a therapist a few times when he was younger, but it has been a long time. His father and I can sit down and hopefully convince him to get into counseling again. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him with eating?

    Really hope the counseling helps! In the meantime, can you reinforce to him the importance of fueling his body to support his exercise habits? Try calculating the amount of protein he should be having and ask him what foods he would like to have available to reach that goal.

    Instead of negatively denouncing his current habits (which I'm not saying you're doing) I'd try to encourage healthy eating and emphasize that he should be trying to gain some muscle. I'm hoping that would appeal to him.
  • Charlot4444
    Charlot4444 Posts: 170 Member
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    Also if possible lead by example, put into play what you hope for your son. Eating habits, therapy (you mentioned OCD and anxiety) even at 19 he is influenced by what he sees. If he sees the household is dedicated to living 'better'. Maybe he'll want to too.

    Also agree with encourage his current behaviour but make it more about muscle gains etc, not about being frail and weak.
  • LittlePikinini
    LittlePikinini Posts: 6 Member
    edited March 2016
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    You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,912 Member
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    kekagel wrote: »
    I suffer from OCD and anxiety myself. He saw a therapist a few times when he was younger, but it has been a long time. His father and I can sit down and hopefully convince him to get into counseling again. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help him with eating?

    His body image and thinking about eating is disordered. Unfortunately, it's not likely you can help him with that. He needs professional help.
  • ShrinkingScientist
    ShrinkingScientist Posts: 68 Member
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    LittlePikinini wrote: »
    You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off

    As a person who once suffered from a severe eating disorder, neither of these would phase me. In fact, switching off the WiFi would just give me more time to work out.

    OP, he needs counseling, but he also may need medical help as well. I would take him back to his physician and lay everything out on the table. It may take a short inpatient stay to help him break the cycle. This screams to me of ED-NOS.
  • Marilyn0924
    Marilyn0924 Posts: 797 Member
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    LittlePikinini wrote: »
    You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off

    Setting punishments for an eating disorder? No.
  • MostlyWater
    MostlyWater Posts: 4,294 Member
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    It has to come from him.
  • booksandchocolate12
    booksandchocolate12 Posts: 1,741 Member
    edited March 2016
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    LittlePikinini wrote: »
    You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off

    Really? Why? Is he "misbehaving"? Interesting that you believe that people should be punished for having an illness.

    OP, I have no experience with this, but I do know that your son's behavior is not the same as staying out past curfew or refusing to clean his room, so treating it as such by withholding money or privileges would be of little use.

    I echo this advice:
    sonjavon wrote: »
    I would recommend calling the National Eating Disorders Association's helpline (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/parent-family-friends-network) and talking to them. Perhaps they can send someone out to talk to your son or provide you with some ideas. Someone (other than his parents) needs to at least explain to him that being under-weight can be JUST AS unhealthy as being overweight.

  • stephanie20314
    stephanie20314 Posts: 81 Member
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    Join a gym with him. Do a few personal training consultations. He'll probably be resistant to therapy since he doesn't listen to you, but a pt might be able to help him find a new health goal and change his focus. Just do some research to find a good one before you go. Maybe talk to a few first about what your son is going through.
  • astrampe
    astrampe Posts: 2,169 Member
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    LittlePikinini wrote: »
    You could take X money of his allowance for skipped meal or threaten to switch the WiFi off
    He is nineteen, not five....You should not give advise.....
  • CurlyCockney
    CurlyCockney Posts: 1,394 Member
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    When I was 19, if one of my parents had come to the doctor with me whilst the other one was offering me their fitbit and to set up an MFP account for me, I probably would have done my utmost to control those things in my life that my parents had no say in - like food, exercise and sleep - until they backed off and treated me like an adult (which includes making mistakes and learning consequences).
  • SoulOfRusalka
    SoulOfRusalka Posts: 1,201 Member
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    Also, I know you want to help by offering him your fitbit and to set up an MFP account, but if he has an eating disorder there is a very real chance that he sees that as you encouraging him to lose weight. I'm sure he knows he isn't eating enough calories, and your encouraging him to be fixated on the numbers isn't going to be good for him. You and your husband have clearly struggled with your weights; do you talk about that a lot in the house, and with your son? That's probably not helping. You should try to not talk about food during meal times. Also encourage him to get on a more normal sleep schedule if you can.
    Beyond that, ditto what everyone else has said about counseling. He needs professional help.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    edited March 2016
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    Leave him alone about the food.
    Get him to a psychiatrist for an appropriate diagnosis and possible medication.
  • kekagel
    kekagel Posts: 94 Member
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    CurlyCockney wrote: »
    When I was 19, if one of my parents had come to the doctor with me whilst the other one was offering me their fitbit and to set up an MFP account for me, I probably would have done my utmost to control those things in my life that my parents had no say in - like food, exercise and sleep - until they backed off and treated me like an adult (which includes making mistakes and learning consequences).

    I want to clarify that his father went to his doctor's appointment with him because my son wanted him to. My son also attends his father's appointments, it's something they do together. The reason I offered to let him use my Fitbit and an MFP was to help him determine how many calories he is actually consuming. I thought it would be beneficial to see it in plain sight. I even offered to do it for and with him. These offers were made only after he started displaying some issues. Otherwise, he was making his own decisions and mistakes. I know I'm limited on what I can do for him or try to get him to do on his own, but I have to try.

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