Cheating husband.
DanniB423
Posts: 777 Member
My husband told me he cheated on Saturday. I am not going to get into how terrible I feel, where to go from here with my family or any of that. I really just need help and advice because my self esteem is absolutely shot. I am consumed with thoughts that this is all because of my weight and if I was slim this never would have happened. I know I'm wrong but I feel like I'm drowning. Calling the counselor today but just didn't know if any of you had experience with these feelings. Thank you.
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No matter what you think, this is NOT your fault. It is an issue with HIM, not you.
I have been cheated on by many of my exes. Many of them very, very good liars and I never saw it coming. I have let it destroy me in the past. It's not an easy thing to get through, but you have to realize it's not your fault and it wouldn't matter what size you are - he's a cheater. Period.
I'm sorry for what you must be going through. Try to understand that you are better off without him and it's better to find out now rather than later.0 -
Oh, by the way, you are gorgeous and he's a fool.0
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I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Your husband cheated on you because of his own selfish reasons. It has nothing to do with you. Even him telling you is more for him unloading his guilty conscience than it is about "doing the right thing ".
Get yourself a counselor and I hope you have some people in your life you can talk to as a support system as well.
You didn't do anything wrong. People cheat on thin spouses just as often as heavy spouses. Please don't blame yourself.1 -
what were his reasons for doing it?0
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meganridenour wrote: »Oh, by the way, you are gorgeous and he's a fool.
Yeah sorry to hear that but have to agree here. It probably wasn't because of looks.0 -
I look forward to your next stage of grief, which is anger. You can be angry at him. It's allowed. I hope it goes well with the counselor to consider if this betrayal can be worked out or not.0
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We met when we were 18 and fell in love very fast. I was pregnant 6 weeks into our relationship and we always joked thank god we liked each other. We are now 28. He had never been full on intimate with anyone else before me. He said after 9 years he was having a really hard time. We were going through a rough spot and he says he was lost and it was just a new experience. The woman is 25 years older than us. They met at a hotel last August and had sex. He said he felt so terrible afterward and made him realize he wasn't "missing out" on anything and it was the biggest mistake of his life. Cute, huh?0
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And thank you everyone for the kind words. I know deep in my heart it isn't me. But it's really hard not to think that way sometimes.0
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She is a co worker and her husband is a manager at his work. She told her husband about my husband and another man she slept with there. He said to save their marriage she had to quit and she did. This is how I found out because my cousin works there too ( all in the family haha) and told me this lady left due to cheating. And I just flat out asked my husband if this was him because I know they texted and he just burst into tears and said yes. I was half joking too. Damn.0
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And thank you everyone for the kind words. I know deep in my heart it isn't me. But it's really hard not to think that way sometimes.
That's why a counselor is good. There is something else going on (as you said you guys are having a rough time). Fat/Slim probably has nothing to do with it.
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I am so very sorry to hear that, Some of us guys are just *kitten* for lack of a better word and only think of ourselves!0
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I know you're feeling crushed and destroyed and questioning everything but let me say a few things...This had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him from what I hear. You can be 250lbs or 150lbs if that's what he was going to do then it was going to happen. The bright side is that he doesn't sound invested in this woman. It would be a lot harder if he had a woman that he was emotionally not just physically attached to (imo) Fighting for your marriage is one thing, fighting someone else to save your marriage I think is worse. Make sure you get all your questions answered. He owes you that much. Then figure out where do you go from here. Vent when you want to, cry when you need to, then work on you for you...not for him.0
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They are not invested at all. Her vagina is invested in everyone at this work apparently. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I refuse to run out of my house like a high schooler. I don't need to rush into anything. I'm just hitting the gym and spending time with our seven year old and keeping it classy for her lol. I need some serious space. It is too raw to even muster an intelligent thought or think of repair. It's time for me.I know you're feeling crushed and destroyed and questioning everything but let me say a few things...This had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him from what I hear. You can be 250lbs or 150lbs if that's what he was going to do then it was going to happen. The bright side is that he doesn't sound invested in this woman. It would be a lot harder if he had a woman that he was emotionally not just physically attached to (imo) Fighting for your marriage is one thing, fighting someone else to save your marriage I think is worse. Make sure you get all your questions answered. He owes you that much. Then figure out where do you go from here. Vent when you want to, cry when you need to, then work on you for you...not for him.
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I had a very similar experience. Married young, no kids though, and my best friend told me three years after it happened that she happened to sleep with my (now ex) husband about two years after we were married. It took me 6 more years to realize that it wasn't me that was the problem, it was him. When I realized that, he was out the door. It also took a really awesome man to help me pick up the pieces.0
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Double check with him and your counsellor but it reads to me that your husband was seeking novelty. Grass is greener and all that. I bet you are plenty attractive and able to keep his interest.0
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Wow, I am so sorry.
It has nothing to do with you, or your weight. I promise. He was selfish and childish and probably didn't think of how it would affect you or anyone (the woman's husband) at all.
Do everything you can to take care of yourself right now. Take long walks, have lunch with friends, breathe- breathe a lot! Counseling will be a great way for you to figure out if you can forgive him and continue with your relationship, but right now, your priority needs to be you. Don't make any big decisions or big changes, not right away- Just breathe.0 -
@DanniB423 ...... I have been in your shoes sweetheart, and it hurts and it is going to hurt for a long time if not forever. Will it get easier with time yes but it will always hurt. I do not know if you two are going to stay together but if you two are going to need to talk it out. there will be hurt, grief and the rage feeling worthless and helpless. But remember he did this , he made the choice. This is not your doing, you are beautiful and you are strong. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this...my ex husband did this to me when our youngest was 7 weeks ...she is now six I left the next day. Get a good support group and remember to take care of yourself. Lots of Hugs and love to you0
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TavistockToad wrote: »what were his reasons for doing it?
This is probably a multi-faceted answer, partially of which he undoubtedly has no clue. In addition to reasons, whatever they are, never being justification for that choice, I think we don't need to know the nitty gritty personal and painful details, don't you agree?0 -
Basically this yes. He said he knew he messed up right after and the grass isn't greener (he even said that) and he isn't sure why he ever felt like he needed to sleep with more than one person to be sure I was the one (oh thanks!!!) and he regrets it every day. Awesome. I'm seriously just flatline right now.Double check with him and your counsellor but it reads to me that your husband was seeking novelty. Grass is greener and all that. I bet you are plenty attractive and able to keep his interest.
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The grass is always greener on the other side because of all the Bull *kitten*!0
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They are not invested at all. Her vagina is invested in everyone at this work apparently. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I refuse to run out of my house like a high schooler. I don't need to rush into anything. I'm just hitting the gym and spending time with our seven year old and keeping it classy for her lol. I need some serious space. It is too raw to even muster an intelligent thought or think of repair. It's time for me.I know you're feeling crushed and destroyed and questioning everything but let me say a few things...This had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him from what I hear. You can be 250lbs or 150lbs if that's what he was going to do then it was going to happen. The bright side is that he doesn't sound invested in this woman. It would be a lot harder if he had a woman that he was emotionally not just physically attached to (imo) Fighting for your marriage is one thing, fighting someone else to save your marriage I think is worse. Make sure you get all your questions answered. He owes you that much. Then figure out where do you go from here. Vent when you want to, cry when you need to, then work on you for you...not for him.
Keeping it classy! I like it. Good luck to you. I wish you the best!0 -
I am going to be the "it isn't an excuse but" person here - so he went and experienced because he thought he was missing out. People usually cheat because there is something lacking in their relationship - be it excitement, be it communication, be it emotional connection -- mind you the cheating doesn't happen immediate when those things start lacking but if the relationship isn't strong enough in which either partner can speak up of how they are feeling and what needs are not being met then the cheating occurs...
Addressing the situation with an open mind is very important - we walk in to relationships believing that we are the one and only and without really knowing the real longings and needs of the other person, what are their fantasies, their kinks - do we even explore what their love languages are.
So with that said... this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage -- it could be the start of a line of communication between you and your husband which will open the doors for a stronger relationship. Did he break the trust, of course he did. You can work together in understanding each others needs and figuring out how to meet them -- if it comes to the point that there are certain needs that you are either unable or just not willing to meet then figure out how to best work the good byes then.0 -
Men cheat on 'skinny' women too! I am sorry you are going through this. Everything will be okay and I just wanted to encourage you. I am glad he was honest with you about it. That doesn't make it better but at least you know the truth. Best of luck with the counselor0
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always_smilin_D wrote: »I am going to be the "it isn't an excuse but" person here - so he went and experienced because he thought he was missing out. People usually cheat because there is something lacking in their relationship - be it excitement, be it communication, be it emotional connection -- mind you the cheating doesn't happen immediate when those things start lacking but if the relationship isn't strong enough in which either partner can speak up of how they are feeling and what needs are not being met then the cheating occurs...
Addressing the situation with an open mind is very important - we walk in to relationships believing that we are the one and only and without really knowing the real longings and needs of the other person, what are their fantasies, their kinks - do we even explore what their love languages are.
So with that said... this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage -- it could be the start of a line of communication between you and your husband which will open the doors for a stronger relationship. Did he break the trust, of course he did. You can work together in understanding each others needs and figuring out how to meet them -- if it comes to the point that there are certain needs that you are either unable or just not willing to meet then figure out how to best work the good byes then.
I have considered this. A very good friend of mine went through the same and they worked it out. I'm too shocked and angry right now to let myself really think this way but I think counseling will do that for me. 9 years is a long time. Life gets very kids,work, tired repeat. I admit we lost ourselves. But he should have handled it so differently..0 -
I know they do. I really didn't meant it the way it came out.im sorry. My weight has always been an insecurity and this just amplified it ten times.bmayes2014 wrote: »Men cheat on 'skinny' women too! I am sorry you are going through this. Everything will be okay and I just wanted to encourage you. I am glad he was honest with you about it. That doesn't make it better but at least you know the truth. Best of luck with the counselor
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ok first of all , is your husband blind???!!! to be honest i dont think i need a second !!
i cant even pretend to understand what you're going through but just surround yourself with friends and family , have a think about whats best for you and then go from there.0 -
I'm sorry for what you are going through. You know that its nothing to do with you, everything to do with him and his failures. It just hurts you a lot and I'm sorry you are feeling that pain. I think its normal to look for the reason why and its easy to blame what you perceive to be your fault (your weight) but you know that is not the why. You look lovely in your picture and I'm sure you are a wonderful person.
It is most important to take care of yourself (and any children you may have) right now. I've found that pouring that kind of pain into exercise has beneficial results, the endorphins make you feel better, the physical changes are good for your self esteem and health. Walk, meditate, do yoga, do whatever helps you with stress.
I'm glad you are calling your counselor to talk. You are right not to rush into anything, you have lots to think about and the decisions are all yours. I don't know you but want to send you a big hug for support. Hang in there.0 -
Southampton_PT wrote: »ok first of all , is your husband blind???!!! to be honest i dont think i need a second !!
i cant even pretend to understand what you're going through but just surround yourself with friends and family , have a think about whats best for you and then go from there.
He has to be blind because this woman is a dog. I know that is mean and it isn't her fault but I was so shocked. I'm no super model but wow. He said she is basically the work skank and she offered and he just accepted for the sake of trying someone else and it was just for the experience. Adorable isn't it?0 -
This is so sad. I know there are plenty of people on this site who choose to cheat on their spouses. I've seen photos of the spouses and trust me, people aren't cheating because they have unattractive partners. They are lacking something from their marriage and or seeking attention to make themselves feel better. It's not about you. It's about the cheater needing help. If you stay w/ your husband he will likely continue to cheat at various points during your relationship. You deserve someone more confident who isn't going to need that outside attention in order to feel complete. Trust me. I have friends in real like who cheat and online friends who cheat. It's not your fault! But I would get the heck out of that relationship and get counseling.0
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